The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
The 2018 TIME 100 Gala was held last night in New York City to celebrate Time magazine’s annual list of the 100 most influential people. And whether the people were influential or not, the red carpet fashion pulled from a variety of sources. Like Leslie Jones in Christian Siriano, who is giving you Grace Jones after stopping at Studio 54 while thinking,”I wonder what the rent is on this place? Do they pay monthly or yearly? You know what, hand me my coke spoon and purse, I’m leaving to pursue a career in commercial real estate.”
According to People, there’s a very good chance that A-Rod will present Jennifer Lopez with a dazzling and beautiful symbol of their love this Christmas. No, not their Vanity Fair cover blown up eight feet tall in a polished gold frame. I’m talking about an engagement ring.
Before you know it, it will be the holiday season and that means there’s plenty of presents to buy. Jennifer Lopez and A-Rod’s respective publicists have clearly started planning ahead for those potential credit card bills in January by securing themselves an extra-large Christmas bonus this year. Apropos of nothing more than just dating for eight months, J-Rod made their magazine cover debut for the December issue of Vanity Fair.
Around this time last year, the completely natural and real couple of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston spread their organic love throughout Europe while keeping the paps working overtime. This year, it was the completely natural and real couple of JLo and A-Rod’s turn to graciously help out the paparazzi industry by leading them through France.
J-Rod started off their trip to France on a yacht in Nice (because what’s the point of doing a photo-op couples tour if you’re not going to give the paps at least one swimsuit shot) and they ended in Paris where they decided to really spice up a photo-op by bringing in props!
J-Rod’s couples photo-op choreographer gave them matching ice cream cone props J-Rod spontaneously bought ice cream cones and worked it for the paps while looking so in love. That picture above clearly shows who’s the pro and who’s the amateur. JLo is striking a perfect JCPenney catalog pose for the paps and knows not to completely eat the prop, while amateur ass A-Rod is eating the prop!
Every pro pap poser knows that you’re not supposed to completely devour the ice cream prop. A half-eaten ice cream cone looks ugly in pictures! You’re supposed to sensually lick it like it’s your lover’s down-low part. But in A-Rod’s defense, JLo eventually went in on her ice cream cone too (see: first picture in the gallery below). If the old rumor about steroid use is actually true, then JLo probably just wanted a mouthful of something for a change.
We all know A-Rod loves cheating, so it was really only a matter of time before someone started whispering that he might be working his sneaky cheater game on JLo. According to The National Enquirer (via Page Six), A-Rod might not be as committed to JLo as we have been led to believe.