Last week, we all threw several black lace mourning veils over our faces to mourn the death of every member of The Supremes, Gladys Knight, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, and literally every singer not named Jennifer Lopez, because that was the only explanation for why the Grammy people chose JLo to headline their tribute to Motown. I thought that maybe after the Grammys were hit with a million and one side-eyes for that decision, they’d make the right decision by replacing her with a hastily-made Marvin Gaye hologram or even Rancho Cucamonga’s third most popular The Temptations tribute group performing to a track blasting out of an iPhone 5. Even Diana Ross’ grandson and fucking Jaden Smith did a better tribute to Motown and it wasn’t even a tribute to Motown.
But the Grammys went through with it and JLo delivered the kind of Motown “tribute” you’d see at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday at a 2-star casino motel outside of Laughlin, NV. They should’ve went all the way with that vibe by putting a stale potato bar on the stage, along with a chain-smoking gambling addict who’d yell at JLo, doing double duty as his cocktail waitress, to get his G&T already.
Jennifer Lopez–is here to drop some hints about her relationship status with former baseball star turned struggling millionaire Alex Rodriguez. Or the couple thought that they weren’t in the news nearly as much as Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande and so they decided now that they’re out, a new couple could slide right in to the limelight. Get in there kids! Strike while the iron is hot!
Despite looking very much like an expensive weapon, there are no American Music Awards currently being held as crime scene evidence today, awaiting testing to see whose DNA is in the body shimmer lifted by forensics. Both Mariah Carey and her longtime nemesis Jennifer Lopez both hit the stage at the AM’s last night, and there were no casualties caused by thrown awards, pulled hair, or shoes. Technically, the only real throw down was possibly Mariah vs. Singing Live, a battle the internet thinks she might have won.
Selena Gomez recently announced she was once again taking a break from social media. But before Selena exited social media, she gave us a little peek into what kind of things and people gets Selena excited enough to whip out her phone and write a review. Apparently one of those would be seeing Jennifer Lopez perform in Las Vegas.
Last night at the MTV VMAs, Jennifer Lopez received the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, a trophy presented to recognize an artist’s accomplishments in music videos. I’m surprised that it took so long for MTV to present JLo with the award, since I firmly believe that JLo’s pink velour short-short tracksuit ensemble in the video for “I’m Real” is about as iconic as Michael Jackson turning into a zombie in “Thriller.” Or maybe it is to me, considering it inspired my best friend to work an identical look nearly every day that same summer, despite the fact that she almost caught heatstroke twice from wearing so much velour.
JLo performed a medley of her hits and when she was done, she accepted her award by thanking everyone in her life, including her family and her “two little angels” Max and Emme. Then JLo thanked her boyfriend of about a year and a half, A-Rod. And much like any time JLo and A-Rod are near a photographer, she got cheesy.
The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.