Porn star and presidential irritant Stormy Daniels popped up during the cold open on Saturday Night Live last night. Stormy is POTUS’ current least favorite person and SNL knows that there’s nothing in the world more funzies than pissing off our humorless egomaniac of a president. So they had her pop up during a Trump sketch amidst a cavalcade of guest stars including Ben Stiller as Trump’s praying-for-death attorney Michael Cohen, Martin Short as Trump’s ethically challenged (and crazy as hell) physician Dr. Harold Bornstein, Scarlett Johansson reprising her Ivanka Trump, and Jimmy Fallon as Ivanka’s husband Jared Kushner. SNL’s MVP Kate McKinnon also debuted a startlingly accurate impression of gabby Trump hanger-on Rudy Guiliani, who continues to deplete all of the goodwill he inspired during 9/11.
David Blaine continued to stretch out the definition of “magic trick” on The Tonight Show last night when he used a needle and thread to sew his lips shut as The Roots and guest Priyanka Chopra got grossed out, and Jimmy Fallon got grossed out in an over-the-top theater kid on roids kind of way. And I can hear you hating haters saying, “Why didn’t David Blaine do that trick on Jimmy’s mouth?”
I didn’t get grossed out, because David Blaine sewing up his lips means he can’t almost murder an innocent frog by deep throating it. And if David Blaine sews up his lips, it also means that if the authorities want to talk to him about the rape accusation against him, he can’t say anything since his lips are sewn up. I bet Ole’ Puddin’ Pop wishes he came up with that trick.
And I’m not impressed. I mean, if repeatedly sticking a needle in your lips makes you a magician, then Kylie Jenner is a regular Harry Fuckin’ Houdini.
Christina Aguilera can sleep easy tonight on the giant makeup sponge she calls a bed (I assume), for I believe it’s safe to say the “WHY???” crown has been removed from her head and placed atop the goofy grinning mug belonging to Jimmy Fallon.
Once high atop the late-night pile as #1 with its “fun” mix of party games and celebrity ass-licking, The Tonight Show has sunk to third place in recent months. The reason? Because times are tough (and verging on terrifying), and people want to see a late-night host humiliate the current POTUS on a nightly basis. Enter Kimmel. Enter Colbert. Enter Meyers, and Noah! The Tonight Show’s host, jokey goon Jimmy Fallon, merely ruffled his hair. Hence, a show that focuses on Celebrity Beer Pong in 2017 has languished in the ratings. But Jimmy doesn’t care. Because Jimmy doesn’t care about politics! Continue reading
Besides the fact that she gets to regularly take in the luminous sight of the delicate sleeping raccoon on Billy Ray Cyrus’ head, the only thing that makes me jealous of Miley Cyrus is that her godmother is Dolly Parton. The only way Miley could have a greater godmother is if GOD herself (yes, I said herself) was her godmother.
Miley has growled out her godmother’s song Jolene so many times that Jolene should press charges against the trick for stalking, and Dolly is featured on the song Rainbowland from her new album Younger Now. Miley decided to take her love and obsession for her godmother to the next level by dressed up as Dolly on The Tonight Show last night.
There’s very few things that could make me appreciate the wig-patting simper of Jimmy Fallon. This isn’t one of those things. Fortunately, Seth Meyers passes muster, and he offset his former co-worker’s presence last night on Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday.