No, that is not a screen shot of Ben Affleck making the face that his brother Casey Affleck made while jacking it to Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder. I don’t hate you that much.
Ben Affleck was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to whore out his Prohibition turd, Live By Night, and during the interview he pretended to be highly offended over his brother Casey Affleck not thanking him at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Ben got revenge on Casey for not giving thanks to the trick who made it all possible by burping up embarrassing facts about his brother. One of those embarrassing facts about Casey included him fapping while watching Small Wonder. I blame Casey Affleck for the reason why Jamie Lawson went on to live under a bridge.
The 89th Academy Awards are on February 26th, 2017, and earlier today The Hollywood Reporter claimed they knew who would be hosting Hollywood’s annual 4-hour wank-fest. THR says they’ve “learned” that the hosting gig for the Oscars is going to the other late-night Jimmy, Jimmy Kimmel. As it turns out, THR’s sources were right. Jimmy Kimmel confirmed on Twitter that he’ll be soon get fitted for a fancy new hostin’ tux. “Billy Crystal, passed over yet again” thought a bummed-out Billy Crystal.
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) December 5, 2016
Jimmy Kimmel Live! airs on ABC, and the Oscars will air on ABC, so it makes sense that they’d throw the job to someone already on ABC payroll. Jimmy also has recent major award show hosting experience: he hosted the last Emmys in September.
It was announced in the summer that Jimmy Fallon would be hosting the Oscars’ less-legitimate/drunk brother, the Golden Globe Awards. Having the GGs and the Oscars hosted by two Jimmys is good news for any dumb actors and actresses who will attend both ceremonies. Only one host’s name to remember! But how to tell them apart? Well, one will be grinning like a kid who just drank an entire pitcher of Kool Aid mixed with Red Bull. The other looks like your aunt’s boyfriend who always comes over to your house and heads straight to the toilet while shouting at you to be a sport and grab him a magazine.
If you watched the Emmys, then you know that Jimmy Kimmel made a big joke about how Dame Maggie Smith is too good to come to the Emmys. Jimmy joked that this year they were enforcing the “Maggie Smith Rule“, which states that if you’re not present to collect your award, it automatically goes to the next person on the nominee list. Maggie Smith has been nominated for nine Emmy awards, all Outstanding Actress and Outstanding Supporting Actress, and hasn’t shown up once. Minnie Driver and Michael Weatherly presented the Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series Emmy on Sunday, and when Maggie won, Jimmy stepped in, grabbed the award and said that her award will be waiting for her in the lost and found.
First of all, the title of this post should have been “Jimmy Kimmel Owes Actor David Krumholtz A Heartfelt Apology.“ You’ll understand by the end. The much-more-preferable late night “Jimmy” sat down with People and Entertainment Weekly and revealed that Ben Affleck’s live-in ex Jennifer Garner was the impetus for Kimmel’s “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” vid from 2009.
“Oh fuck my nerves with a butter knife dipped in acid, she’s about to have another thought…” – that dude on the right
Anyone who has been lucky enough to use their brain to ingest at least one Megan Fox interview knows that she is a never-ending fountain of wisdom, and melted plastic, but mostly wisdom. And on Jimmy Kimmel Live! (via E!) last night, Megan said that the unborn baby growing in her body has definitely inherited her super genius gene, because it has told her that it’s either going to be a Nazi rocket maker or an electric car mogul. Megan’s third baby also told her to move houses. Somewhere, scientists studying the long-term effects of Botox use have added, “hearing fetus voices,” to the list of shit to look into.
Eeesh, Jimmy Kimmel is brave; there’s no way I’d put my bare hand so close to Donald Trump’s dusty fiberglass insulation hair without a rubber hazmat glove on. There’s just too great a risk of contracting a second-hand case of Smug Loudmouthism if it makes contact with your skin.
Last night, human hospital food Donald Trump was on Jimmy Kimmel Live!. The Weeknd was scheduled to be there too, but E! News says he took a hard pass when he found out that he was going to be in the same studio as Donald Trump. The Weeknd was supposed to perform the song “Might Not” with rapper Belly, who released a statement after they bailed on the performance. (Side note from Michael: You know you’re an old bitch when you see the name Belly and immediately start singing, “Take your hat off, boooooy..“)
“I feel like the way I was raised was to be able to see through all the titles in this world—from religion to race. I just didn’t want to feel like I was a part of a celebration for somebody who has beliefs that majority of us don’t agree with.”
Shortly after, Belly’s rep added to his feelings by telling E!:
“Belly, a man of the world who grew up as a minority immigrant in Canada, has a strong conviction against Donald Trump’s radical beliefs. A strong believer in equal rights for all, Belly is taking a stand against a man who has made many negative and detrimental remarks about minorities, women, various religious groups and more.”
Jimmy Kimmel kept quiet about why The Weeknd’s emotional falsetto would not be ringing through the audience’s ears. Jazz singer Gregory Porter filled in. I guess producers weren’t able to get Trump’s favorite rapper Sarah Palin from Alaska to Hollywood in time for the taping.
I know Donald Trump probably couldn’t give 1/180th of a shit about The Weeknd and Belly ditching their performance. But it really says something when two Canadians don’t want to work with you so much that they quit a job without doing the polite thing and give a full two weeks notice first. I once worked a truly shitty job for a whole five days because it took me that long to think of an appropriate apology for why I was quitting. So yeah, they must seriously hate Trump.