Category: Jim Parsons

And Now For The Dudes Of The Oscars

February 27, 2017 / Posted by:

We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.

My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.

Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.

pherrettattheoscars207

And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.

 

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

The “Friends” Reunion (That Wasn’t Really A Reunion) Happened Last Night

January 25, 2016 / Posted by:

When it was rumored that the entire cast of Friends was going to reunite, people who watched all of that shit religiously had the same reaction I would have if an It’s A Living reunion was announced. They squirted out a foamy stream of excitement. But it turns out it wasn’t really a reunion. They just sat at the same table and said words together at NBC’s tribute to James Burrows which taped in L.A. last night. Johnny Galecki, who dressed up like a snobby French gallery owner, posted a picture on Instagram of the cast of Friends with the cast of The Big Bang Theory. Matthew Perry isn’t in the picture because even he doesn’t want to be seen with Kaley Cuoco. No, Chandler’s in London doing some play, so he couldn’t make it.

Never mind that Courteney Cox’s transformation into the plastic baby of Pete Burns and Michael Jackson is almost complete, I don’t think I ever really noticed how much of a hot silver top daddy Matt LeBlanc is now. And seeing him behind Jim Parsons and David Schwimmer is giving me Joey/Ross/Sheldon gay spit roast fantasies.

Pic: Instagram

The Three Main Hos From The Big Bang Theory Will Make $90 Million Each By 2017

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

The grandmas of the world who have been begging the Gods to save their favorite show while kneeling in front of their Jim Parsons saint candles can stop and get up, because their prayers were answered! Production on season 8 of The Big Bang Theory is supposed to start on August 6th, but as of yesterday, it didn’t seem like that was going to happen, because the show’s three main stars, Johnny Galecki (aka forever David from Roseanne to me), Jim Parsons and Henry Cavill’s former STUNT QUEEN partner Kaley Cuoco held hands and refused to show up to work if CBS didn’t drop a mountain of money on their heads. CBS should’ve fired their asses and replaced Johnny Galecki with DJ Connor, Jim Parsons with Estelle Parsons and Kaley Cuoco with Crystal Anderson-Connor (Basically, I want The Big Bang Theory to completely Roseanne-ize itself). But CBS didn’t do that. They showed them the money instead.

Johnny, Kaley and Jim made $325,000 an episode last season, but they asked for Friends money for season 8 and they got it. Deadline says that Johnny, Kaley and Jim will sign on for three more seasons of The Big Bang Theory and in return they’ll get $1 million per episode. Three seasons = 72 episodes = $72 million EACH. They also got a bump in their ownership of the show, so when you add that to the $72 million, they’ll make at least $90 million by 2017. If the show continues to make a lot of money in syndication, that $90 million will turn into $100 million. Basically, we’re all living in a world where Kaley Fucking Cuoco is making more money than REAL TV legends like Joan Collins, Morgan Fairchild and Heather Locklear combined.

Deadline says that the show’s other original cast members, Simon Helberg and Kunal Nayyar, are still working out their deals and they’ll definitely get a raise, but they won’t be shitting out solid gold bars like Johnny, Kaley and Jim.

With Parsons, Galecki and Cuoco signed on and co-stars Melissa Rauch and Mayim Bialik already on board for Season 8 after renegotiating their contracts last fall, the focus is on wrapping negotiations with the last remaining original cast members, Simon Helberg and Kunal Nayyar, before the table read planned for Wednesday. I hear the two are close and there is a possibility for them to reach new deals today though there have been some bumps in the back-and-forth.

I’m all for #getmoneybitches getting more money, but $90 million?! CBS knows they’re not actual experimental physicists and shit, right?

And if Kaley’s husband Ryan Sweeting didn’t sign a prenup, he’s the real winner here. Who knew that the mess who tattooed Kaley’s name into his arm after knowing her for three seconds could turn out to be the gold digging icon of the decade?

The Texas T-Rex Gives A Lesson About The Quality Of TV Today To A Room Full Of TV People

June 20, 2014 / Posted by:

The Critics’ Choice Television Awards happened last night and they did what the Emmys almost never does: they gave awards to people who actually deserve an award. Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black tied with Allison Janney from Mom for Best Supporting Actress In A Comedy, Tatiana Maslany from Orphan Black won Best Actress In A Drama, Julia Louis-Dreyfus from Veep won Best Actress In A Comedy and Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor In A Drama for mumbling his way through True Detective. The Texas T-Rex is known for dribbling out speeches that require at least 40 bong hits to fully digest. To watch one of the Texas T-Rex’s acceptance speeches is to know what it’s like to smoke peyote with him while shirtless in a tepee. He didn’t disappoint last night.

The Texas T-Rex’s speech started out normal. He thanked who he needed to thank and blah blah blah. Then at around the 1:55 mark he says that people always ask him why he, a movie star, would do TV. Bitch won an Oscar and now he suddenly forgets he was in Unsolved Mysteries. The Texas T-Rex then babbled out a lecture about how TV is raising the bar and how TV gives you juicy character development and how TV gives you weekly episodes (THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!) and gives you that Monday morning watercooler talk. The Texas T-Rex smoked so much of the good shit in the men’s bathroom that he forgot he was at the Critics’ Choice TV Awards and thought he was at a TED Talk.

The Texas T-Rex’s lecture/pep talk reminds me of when I worked in the accounts department of some referral service. We were basically the bottom bitches of the company. We would put together paperwork for new accounts and check references. There wasn’t much to it. Every now and again, some supervisor from one of the other departments would smugly sashay into our little cubicle alley and give us a pep talk. They’d list off all of our duties like we didn’t know and tell us how invaluable we were to the company and how we were the glue that held the company together. Every single one of us sat there thinking to ourselves, “Either tell me you’re going to give me a bonus or shut the fuck up and get the hell out of here so I can go back to playing Minesweeper. ” (The year was 1999. Don’t judge my game choices.)

That’s kind of what The Texas T-Rex’s speech reminded me of. I wish the camera would’ve cut to more people in the audience, because I would’ve died, come back to life and died again to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus make a “Bitch, WE KNOW, now hurry it up, so I can go home and take off my Spanx” face.

Here’s pictures of some of the winners and for a full of list of all the hos who won, click here.

Pics: Wenn.com

Didn’t We Already Know This?

May 23, 2012 / Posted by:

Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory (the show my mom watches religiously but always forgets the name of so just calls it the “other” How I Met Your Mother) is gay, like officially, and I thought we already swept up the popped rainbow balloons after having that party. I’m not serving that on a bed of warm sarcasm either. I know Jim thanked his partner Todd Spiewak (click here to see them in several states of awww) when he won a Golden Globe a couple of years ago, but I thought he already said the words out loud in a magazine or something. I guess not, because everyone is saying that Jim has “quietly come out of the closet” in an interview with The New York Times. High brow!

In a piece about Jim’s starring role in a Broadway revival of Harvey, the NYT casually dropped this in:

The Normal Heart” resonated with him on a few levels: Mr. Parsons is gay and in a 10-year relationship, and working with an ensemble again onstage was like nourishment, he said. As the production was ending last summer, he heard that the Roundabout Theater Company was considering a revival of “Harvey” — initially with John C. Reilly under consideration for Elwood — and last November the play’s director, Scott Ellis, asked him and Ms. Hecht to do a private reading of the work in Los Angeles.

The article also mentions that Jim is 10 months away from turning 40. Now that’s the real RED SIRENS GET CNN ON THIS news. Jim Parsons being gay is something we all learned in school, but Jim Parsons being almost 40 is the real shock. Jim Parsons looks like a come-to-a-life cartoon of a 5th grader as drawn by Charles M. Schulz. Dude looks eternally 11, so the headline should be: JIM PARSONS COMES OUT AS A 39-YEAR-OLD.

And I know everyone is waiting for Anderson Cooper to casually come out, but he better not do it like this or I’ll never speak to the cardboard cutout of him I have in the corner of my bedroom AGAIN! Usually, I’m not really into it when hos come out on the cover of People for a check, but I’ll make an exception for Anderson. Andy’s coming out needs to be a spectacle! It needs to be some “sliding down the rainbow, resurrecting Judy Garland, unicorn heads exploding” shit! It needs to be an international holiday and Lady GaGa’s stupid ass better copy another Madonna song when writing Anderson’s official coming out anthem. When Anderson finally comes out publicly to the media, I better turn on the TV and see an infomercial for the commemorative plates with his giggling face on them. It better be like that.

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