Category: Jesus Take The Wheel

Justin Bieber Needs You To Pray For Him

March 11, 2019 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber needs your thoughts and prayers, but mostly just your prayers, because what good are thoughts if they’re not #blessed? Justin’s not doing so great lately, despite having recently become a happily married man. On Instagram, Justin posted that he’s been “struggling a lot” and “just feeling super disconnected and weird”, which I think a lot of us just call “M-F and Most Weekends”. But who is Justin Bieber if he’s not having a spiritual crisis? Just an extraordinarily wealthy young dude with an unfortunate haircut, I’m afraid. So for Justin, the only way to weather this storm is through vigorous piety and prayer. And the way you can tell how good you are at it, is by how hard you squeeze your eyes shut.

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The Queen Was Spotted Driving Without A Seatbelt A Day After Prince Philip’s Crash

January 19, 2019 / Posted by:

The guy above is making the same grin and bear it “oh shit” face many of us were making upon hearing that Prince Philip and The Queen are both out driving around well into their 90s. And now, just one day after Philip’s Land Rover flipped in a crash, The Queen has been photographed flipping a virtual middle finger while driving without a seatbelt near the site of Philip’s accident. That Queen Elizabeth is one little sassy filly. Royals: they’re just like us (except they don’t need drivers licenses, can’t be prosecuted for breaking laws and seem to never die)!

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Prince Philip, Who Is 97 Years Old, Is Still Driving And Got Into A Crash 

January 17, 2019 / Posted by:

Before we get into the details of this accident, let’s go over some things:

  1. Prince Philip is 97 years old.
  2. Prince Philip is married to the fucking Queen of England.
  3. Prince Philip is reportedly worth $30 million, and his wife is worth a ton more.

Add all that up together and it equals: OLE’ ASS COOT SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING HIMSELF! The other PP should be chauffeured in a gold chariot as royal minions hand feed him Werther’s Originals. But Prince Philip still drives, and he was behind the wheel of his Land Rover today when he got into a crash and it flipped like he does whenever a photographer takes too fucking long to take his goddamn picture. And because Prince Philip is invincible, he walked away without any injuries.

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Melissa Joan Hart Told Her Kids That She Doesn’t Know If Non-Jesus Believers Are Good People

January 6, 2019 / Posted by:

Melissa Joan Hart has gone public with her amazing transformation from Sabrina The Teenage Witch to Ice Cold Middle-Aged Holy Judgmental Bitch. You can go ahead and add Melissa to the list of former pre-teen idols that has fallen on hard times. Melissa has gone public with her innermost beliefs, which are that if you don’t believe in Sweet Baby Jesus, you are basically a terrible person who should stay away from her kids. This has many people calling her a lo-fi anti-Semetic.

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Looks Like Mel Gibson’s “The Passion Of The Christ” Sequel Is Really Happening

January 31, 2018 / Posted by:

Jesus Christ portrayer Jim Caviezel has some very exciting news to share. He got interviewed by USA Today! But that’s not even the most exciting part. Jim says we’ve got to hold onto our pants because Mel Gibson is going to raise his career from the dead by making a sequel to 2004’s The Passion of The Christ. So no, apparently Mel has not been cancelled. The lucky bastard got his bullshit grandfathered in.

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