Please take Jessica Simpson’s huge tits as a sorry (I couldn’t find any new pics of the Hammaconda) for my lack of posts for the second day in a row. Yesterday, I was dealing with the tax man and a family thing. Today, another family situation has kept me from fully spreading the dumb celebrity fuckery with you. Tomorrow will be a lighter flow day for me as well. I thank my God Bea Arthur for Allison! And yes, I said, “family situation.” I sound like an unwed teen mother from the 70s who has to get an abortion without her strict Catholic mother finding out. Things will hopefully (I’m crossing my ass lips) be back to normal on Monday.
And now I leave you with these pictures of Jessica Simpson looking like the most popular truck bed dancer at a NASCAR tailgate party while vacationing in Cabo. Even though Papa Joe is pretty much out of the closet (the closet cannot contain this much gay glamour), I still picture him dribbling out a river of preacher saliva whenever I see Jessica’s spectacular chichis. You can wear as many pucker-inducing mid-life-gay-crisis ensembles as you want, Papa Joe, but I’ll still never forgive you for that!
The matriarch of the fucked-up Simpson family turned 56 a couple of days ago, so her family (sans her ex Papa Joe) took her to Mexico where it looks like she did whatever I do when I’m in Mexico: suck down that tequila like a 9 inch dick.
Tina Simpson’s drunk ass has been posting pictures from the trip on Instagram including this one of her and her son-in-law Eric Somethingoranother getting into some wholesome fun. HuffPo points out that several of Mama Tina’s followers shook their heads at this picture and called it highly inappropriate. Um, do Mama Tina’s followers even know this family? A picture of Jessica Simpson’s husband using her mom’s pussy as a pillow while he presents his hole to the camera is considered G-rated in that family. If Papa “Grab-Ass” Joe was on that trip, that picture would look a whole lot different. We wouldn’t even know that Tina was in it, because Papa Joe would be blocking her while sitting on Eric’s thumb.
Tina also posted this picture of her with her other son-in-law Evan Ross:
Now that picture really offends me on every level. No, not because of their pose. But because Evan Ross still has that busted Batman logo goatee on his face.
Drinking on the job? Millionaire fashion MOGULS are just like us!
I watch a lot of HSN and QVC, because they’re always selling pure, potent comedy for just 4 easy payments of zero dollars. It’s free laughs! I figure that some of them involved are either on pills, the sweet nectar, the good shit, the bad shit or all of the above, because some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths is unleaded WTF fuel and you’d have to be on something to sell that shit. Well, everyone’s favorite queef-brained fashion mogul was on HSN last night where she added more gold bars to her billion-dollar empire by selling crap from her fashion line. I hate myself for not knowing that she was on, because people who watched say that she was a mess from beginning to end. So far, there seems to be only one 30-second clip making the rounds and I’m not really getting “plastered” from this, but I am getting the Xanax rambles mixed with a few cups of red wine. Doctors call that a stage 2 Mariah Carey.
That doesn’t even come close to the Valium-induced train wreck of slurring messiness that Paula Abdul once served up on QVC. But if Jessica named those jeans herself, then all of the interventionists from Intervention need to drag her into rehab now. Because naming a pair of jeans “Kiss Me” jeans is a loud cry for help!
And here’s Messica and whatshisname at the airport a few days ago.
Jessica Simpson is still doing the media rounds to promote the 10th anniversary of being the luckiest bitch alive because she’s become mega rich from pointing at a pair of shoes in a line-up of samples while saying, “Purdy! Make those!” Jessica did an interview with CNBC’s Kelly Evans about her billion dollar business, her brand and decisions she’s made with her money. Jessica mostly just said that she has great people around her who have helped her build her fashion empire and have invested her millions of dollars well. When Kelly asked her what are some mistakes she’s made with her money, she paused for a second while the stoned hamster who runs her brain pulled his ass off of the sofa to jump on the wheel. Once he started running, Jessica said her first marriage was her biggest financial oops.
Kelly: What are some of the biggest money mistakes you’ve made, whether personally or with the business, that have helped you grow?
Jessica: The biggest money mistakes…. Hmmmm… I don’t know. For some reason I thought of my first marriage!
Kelly: That’s actually a common answer believe it or not.
Maybe TMZ got it wrong in 2006 and Nick Lachey stuffed a whole lot of cash between his juicy man pecs in the divorce. Because at the time, TMZ said that Nick agreed to take a smaller cut of their assets, because he didn’t want to deal with an ugly court fight. Jessica refused to sign a prenup when they got married, so under California law, their assets were to be divided up 50/50. But shady and greedy Papa Joe reportedly figured that Nick wouldn’t want to go through a messy court battle, so Papa Joe offered him $1.5 million to go away. Nick shat on that offer and they eventually agreed on a number. Nick apparently got more than $1.5 million but a lot less than 50% of their $36 million fortune. So if that report is right, then Jessica didn’t do so bad in the divorce. Besides, without that marriage and Newlyweds, she might not have her billion dollar brand and would be co-headlining a residency at a casino resort in Laughlin, NV with an Ace of Base cover band (actually, that sounds like a pretty glamorous gig). And Nick Lachey deserved EVERYTHING for suffering through that alleged game of grab ass with Papa Joe.
And here’s Jessica catching flies in NYC yesterday.
As a proud nap enthusiast, I am loving the siesta sophistication being served up at these Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres! First it was Elizabeth Banks turning out gorgeous guest bedroom eleganza in London, and now we have Jennifer Lawrence working some flawless 5-star hotel room realness at the premiere in Los Angeles last night. That dress makes me want to order a $30 cheeseburger from room service and eat it in a pillow fort while watching a tasteful $20 adult film.
Now, I’m not sure what Jennifer Lawrence has stuffed under the skirt of her fancy Dior dress, but I will say this: it looks like it’s either comfortable as hell or a Slue Foot Sue nightmare. But knowing JLaw, there’s no way she’d cram herself into anything that would restrict a fart, so I’m going with “comfortable”. JLaw is smart – those Hunger Games movies are long as hell, and the best way to prevent getting a painful ass cramp from sitting too long is to make sure your butt is wrapped in a soft nest of plush booty cushioning.
Sadly, JLaw’s down-filled butt wasn’t my favorite look of the premiere. That honor goes to Fulton Reed from The Mighty Ducks (aka Elden Henson) who wore his hair in a gorgeous pair of formal gentleman braids!
The braids plus the bow tie make him look like sort of like a little girl at a dance recital that was like “Fuck this shit, I’m late for my job at the bank“. I love it! Here’s more of JLaw looking all kinds of comforter casual and Fulton Reed working a tight hair game last night, as well as Jena Malone serving up some drunk memaw at a wedding realness, and MISS DIANA ROSS!!
Yesterday in Greenwich, CT, a trick who is only semi-famous because of her sister married a trick who is only semi-famous because of his mom. 29-year-old Ashlee Simpson made 26-year-old Evan Ross her second husband at his mom’s estate. I figured that Diana Ross would pull a stage 10 Marky Mark and not show up to the wedding, because she had to meet with her lawyers to fast-track papers legally emancipating herself from Evan Ross for dragging her into that crazy family. But Diana Ross was there and she planned the whole wedding and performed. Miss Ross has gone insane.
UsWeekly says that Asshole wore a pearl-embellished, long-sleeved wedding gown and $750,000 worth of Neil Lane jooree including a tiara. Nobody really cared what Ashlee was wearing, because they were too busy gasping at the pretty-faced beauty of Evan Ross and the bow tie-shaped pube bush on his chin. Jessica Simpson was Ashlee’s matron of honor and her kids, Maxwell and Ace, were the flower girl and ring bearer. After the ceremony, Ashlee cut the cake with her chin and Diana Ross performed. Diana Ross performing at her son’s wedding reception makes sense, because: a) she’s Diana Ross and performing is her OXYGEN and; b) the more time she spent at the mic meant the less chances Ashlee had to get up on stage to “sing” to her groom.
UsWeekly has zero details about the only Simpson we care about: PAPA JOE! Bronx Mowgli walked Ashlee down the aisle, not Papa Joe. Ashlee is such a transparent bitch. I see what she did there. Ashlee knew that if Papa Joe walked her down the aisle, his glamorous ensemble (an ivory leather suit, a white fishnet tank, silver alligator sandals and a rhinestone headband) would take all the attention away from her who cares ass and Evan would want to marry Papa Joe instead and then the Ross family fortune would never be hers! It’s the only smart decision Ashlee has ever made.
And here’s pictures of Diana Ross looking like an exploding Muppet tampon while performing last year. I’m choosing to believe that this is what she wore to the ceremony.