If this is the engagement party, I cannot wait to see what kind of Stevie Nicks meets an upscale fabric store meets a coke-snorting Muppet mess their wedding will be like. I should start making the bingo card right now: vaguely-Native American feather headdress, fringe, a dress that looks like it smells like patchouli, exchanging healing crystals instead of rings, Papa Joe Simpson filling up his dance card with the phone numbers of every 22-year-old bartender, server, and valet (that’s the free square in the middle).
On Wednesday night, former singer/actress and current hair extension enthusiast Ashlee Simpson and her fiancé Evan Ross (who should legally change his name to Spawnofdiana Ross, because that’s all that matters in this life) made the mistake of a lifetime by throwing themselves an engagement party on the same day as Diana Ross’s 70th birthday. Oooooooh…Ashlee Simpson, you in danger, girl. You had 365 days to pick from and you decided to throw your cheap Coachella-looking engagement party on the 70th day of the birth of The Queen Supreme? Sure, Diana Ross probably acted like it was no big deal, but believe this: she’s deep in her lair, plotting the most exquisitely evil of wedding-day sabotage, as a crow sits on her shoulder squawking: “I’ll show you, you jig-dancing bitch.”
At least Jessica Simpson has enough working brain cells to know that it’s Diana Ross’s birthday first, engagement party second; which is exactly why she came dressed up as a backup dancer:
Jessica Simpson is six months postpartum after popping out baby number two with fiancé Eric Johnson and in an interview with USA Today (via USWeekly), Jess shilled for her non-human BFF Weight Watchers. She said the weight came off much easier this time and that she’s already down to her pre-baby weight (which I might buy if her posture in the picture above didn’t scream, “Oh no, the Spanx are gonna blow!!!“) with a little help in the kitchen and regular exercise.
“I saw the results really quickly,” she tells the paper of her success on Weight Watchers’ “Simple Start” plan and “PointsPlus” plan. It helps, of course, that she has “somebody who comes in and helps out” with the food preparation. “I do want to make sure I stick with the right recipes, and obviously my schedule is a little jam-packed,” she explains.
One thing she has gotten very good at? Fitting exercise into her daily routine. “With both kids, I’m running up and down my stairs a million times,” she tells USA Today of son Ace, almost 6 months, and daughter Maxwell, 19 months. “Kids can keep your metabolism going.”
She’s also been working out with celeb trainer Harley Pasternak four days a week for 45 minutes. And she and Johnson take long walks together, too. “I try and walk about four miles a day consistently,” she says. “It makes me feel better…Working out and being active overall makes me a happier person to be around.“
I feel a little sorry for Jessica. Because she has a private chef, she’s missing out on all the low-rent frozen meal magic Weight Watchers Smart Ones have to offer! They are easy to make and completely filling as long as you eat at at least five of them. If you’re worried about it fitting into your points allowance, just calculate your PointsPlus in dog years and multiply that by your goal weight. Voilà! Diet math!
It’s very touching to see Eric takes some time out of his long days of enjoying Jess’s money to put on his walking harness and get some exercise with her. It’s also good news that Jess has discovered what stairs are for and doesn’t treat her kids the same way she did laundry back in her Newlyweds days. Then again, if Jessica stayed upstairs and just chucked the kids over the railing in a tight spiral down to Eric, maybe he could use the training to get his ass a job playing football in an arena league somewhere instead of being a kept man.
I stared at this picture for a long ass time and I’m still not sure what the hell is going on here. At first, I thought it was Courtney Stodden after her hot air balloon titties gave up the limelight and migrated to her back , then I realized that even though the hair is a little ratty looking, it wasn’t harvested from a hobo living in Fraggle Rock, so it can’t be her.
It turns out when Jessica Simpson isn’t traipsing through a damn field to sing the praises of Weight Watchers, she’s lounging poolside is some Big-Tittied Frog Rorschach Test, which I obviously failed. I don’t need a therapist to tell me that seeing back boobs before giving up and wishing the guy in the photo would turn just a little so I can gauge the package situation means I have issues.
USWeekly says the photo shows her getting ready to shoot ads for the Jessica Simpson Collection, which will probably be fucked so hard by Photoshop they’ll get pregnant and demand child support from Adobe. They should hurry, it’s only a matter of time before Jessica trips and lands on her man’s dick again and births out another kid she can sort of name after a beloved zoo animal. I vote for Panda Cam Johnson.
Here’s Jessica in Studio City yesterday. She looks pretty good, and that’s my say something nice for the day.
Jessica Simpson is old-fashioned and figures why post a picture of your 2-month-old baby on Instagram and Twitter for free when you can make that money by selling pictures of your newborn baby’s face to UsWeekly? Papa Joe taught her well.
While wearing the white lace table runner that my tia bought from a beach vendor in Rosarito Beach, Mexico, Jessica Simpson poses with her 15-month-old daughter Maxwell and her newborn kid Ace Knute on the cover of UsWeekly. SO MUCH WHITE! It looks like a Norwegian ad for cotton. Maxwell looks kind of tall for a 15-month-old, but then again she was up in Jessica’s womb for about 3 years.
Jessica tells UsWeekly that she gave birth to Ace Canoe via a scheduled C-section and she also said that she’s kind of done with making babies:
“Pregnancy is a lot. It was hard to do two so close together. I have this huge sense of accomplishment, and I feel in my heart that I’m done. But obviously, accidents do happen!”
“Mommy, how did I get here?” – Ace Canoe “Obviously, accidents do happen!” – Jessica
So that’s why Whatshisname Johnson wasn’t in the picture. I thought it was because nobody gives a shit about him, but it’s because he was crying in the corner after Jessica said that she’s done with birthing out babies. If Jessica never gives birth to another baby again that means she’ll never buy Whatshisname a $42,000 “push present” again.
And Ace Knute is barely 2 months old and even he’s trying to figure out what Miley’s doing. That double down-eye says it all.
The last time a baby was in Jessica Simpson’s womb, it was in there for approximately 2,000 Wendy Davis Filibusters (aka 36 months), so I thought she still had at least 6 months to go before popping out her second one. But I guess, her second kid decided to speed shit up , because at a hospital in L.A. this morning, he rode a wave of amniotic fluid out of Jessica’s vagine. Jessica’s rep tells UsWeekly that her and Eric Johnson decided to name their son and Maxwell Johnson’s little brother ACE KNUTE JOHNSON. My feelings about that name are best expressed through this picture of the late and great Knut the Polar Bear:
Actually, Jessica’s rep says that the name Knute is pronounced “ka-nute.” Jessica and Eric went with the name Knute because that’s his Swedish grandfather’s first name. Still. I KA-NUTE with the name Ace Knute Johnson. When Jessica said that she was naming her kid “Ace Johnson,” I slow clapped for her since Ace Johnson is a bro way of saying “Champion Penis.” But then she just had to throw KNUTE in there. According to this website, Knute is of Scandinavian origin and it means “knot.” So Jessica and Eric named their son Champion Knot Penis. He’s totally going to be the star of the Puppetry of the Penis reboot in 20 years.
And I’m sure that as soon as Ace Knute moved out, a new fetus moved in. I mean, it’s either put a baby in her body or fulfill the rest of her Weight Watchers contract. Buttered Pop Tarts for everyone!
Christopher Hurst and Tracy Gregory of Louisiana have filed a lawsuit against Jessica Simpson, OK! Magazine and Getty Images for using a picture of their kid without asking for their permission. Christopher and Tracy’s baby is right there on the cover of OK! Magazine looking absolutely terrified, because he’s so close to Jessica’s mouth and she could easily eat him up.
When Jessica did a meet-and-greet at a Dillard’s at the Lakeside Shopping Center in Metairie, LA in 2011, Christopher took his teenager daughter to meet her. Christopher also brought his baby son with him, because babies can’t be left at home alone and always need adult supervision. How selfish and difficult of them. While they were in line, two strangers in line told Christopher that he should get a private picture of Jessica and his baby son, also named Christopher. Christopher reluctantly put Christopher Jr. on the table in front of Jessica and a photographer immediately jumped in and started clicking away. The photographer from Getty never asked Christopher for permission to take pictures of his kid. Six months later, Christopher saw the picture of Jessica and his baby on a cover of OK! Magazine dated April 16, 2012.
The Times-Picayune got a hold of Christopher and Tracy’s lawsuit and in it their lawyer writes that Jessica was paid $800,000 by a different celebrity magazine for the first pictures of her baby and OK! Magazine has paid million upon millions of dollars to other celebrities for the rights to publish pictures of their babies. Yet Christopher and Tracy got a grand total of ZERO dollars for the use of their baby’s face. Their lawyer went on to write:
“In the case of Christopher Hurst, OK! magazine paid him nothing, despite clear intention to mislead some or all of the consuming public into believing the photograph on the cover of the subject issue was actually Simpson’s first child.”
They are suing Jessica because they believe she was in on the scheme and “knew that she would appear on front of the magazine with Christopher in her arms and that she had financial motive through the publicity she received.”
Christopher and Tracy want $75,000 in damages.
In Jessica’s defense, she’s not smart enough to come up with that scheme on her own. That shifty Papa Joe must’ve put her up to it. In Christopher’s defense, no baby deserves to be mistaken for a member of the Simpson family. But then again, maybe being mistaken for a Simpson isn’t such a bad thing. Some people who saw that cover of OK! and really think that Christopher is Jessica’s baby might take pity on him and give him money, a new identity and plane tickets to a destination far, far away from that crazy ass family.
But since Jessica is a multi-millionaire mogul (it hurt my insides typing that) and her queefs are worth more than $75k, she’ll throw the money at Christopher and be done with it.
And here’s Papa Joe looking like the sun-punched, peroxide beauty he is while leaving Chateau Marmont early Saturday morning with a young friend. I can’t hate on Papa Joe’s outfit, because at least somebody is keeping the memory of International Male alive.
98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what’s the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, “EVERYTHING!” Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey’s head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:
“The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don’t have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore.”
Okay, I’m interpreting that two ways:
1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn’t allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other’s parts on the down low.
2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick’s ass while blessing the food.
I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that’s the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I’m sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that’s my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I’d take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.
I’m still confused, so I’m just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick’s ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other….and now I’m disturbed.
Jessica and Asshole Simpson’s mother Tina Simpson wasn’t exactly shitting out rays of happiness when she found out that every time her husband of 35 years Papa Joe said he was going to bible study to get on his knees and pray to the lord, he was actually going to some studio apartment in the valley to get on his knees and worship some twink dick. Right after Tina Simpson found out that Papa Joe’s tongue regularly frolicked on the hairless ass cheeks of 20-something blond boys, she almost jumped from the edge and wanted to take him with her. That’s what Radar says anyway.
Tina allegedly wrote a suicide note saying that she was so angry that she wanted to shoot Papa Joe before shooting herself. Tina left the note inside of her house in Encino, CA, Papa Joe found it and immediately gave it to his lawyers to use it against her in their divorce war. How nice of him! The source put it like this:
“Tina was so distraught when she found out about Joe’s secret gay affair, she immediately wrote a suicide note. It was fairly detailed and she said she wanted to shoot herself for what Joe had done to their 35-year marriage. Worse still, Tina wanted to shoot Joe as well. She was just so angry with him. But, instead of killing herself, Tina headed straight to a New York hotel to confront Joe about Bryce Chandler Hill. However, when Joe returned to the Encino home in Los Angeles they shared, he found the note, made a copy and gave it to his divorce lawyer as a bargaining tool for the settlement.
Tina eventually offered Joe half of the family fortune. An offer of a 50 percent split of everything under the Simpson name has been offered to Joe. That includes the coveted Jessica Simpson Collection, which Joe desperately wanted because that’s the real cash cow.”
Threatening to pull some murder/suicide shit is never a good idea, but if you found out that your husband was now dressing like the member of a failed 90s boy band that only played the county fair circuit (see: pictures from March below), you too might lose the sanest part of your mind. But Tina should really be relieved. Because she probably thought that Papa Joe was a creepy, sucio perv who wanted to motorboat his daughters, but it turns out he was just a cheating bastard who wants to motoroboat twink ass. Yeah, he lied to Tina Simpson all those years, but at least she knows he doesn’t want to do their daughters. There’s a bright side for everything!
And the lives of twink gold diggers and the makers of highlighting caps will be made if Papa Joe really does get half of the Simpson family fortune.
A knocked up Jessica Simpson was on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote that Fashion Dirt Star show and to also burp up about how she’s got a permanent case of the baby and still can’t believe that barebacking your man until he shoots dick sauce all over your eggs (“Isn’t that how they make Eggs Benedict?” – Jessica Simpson) makes a baby. Jessica still doesn’t know that doing a dude raw dog style can lead to pregnancy and nobody’s going to tell her, because more babies equals more MONAY for Eric Whatshisname and because Papa Joe really loves dressing up in a stork costume to sing “Look Out For Mr. Stork” to her on her due date.
After Chestica aw shucks’d about how she can’t stop making babies, she “accidentally” let it slip that she’s having a dude baby and the moment was completely natural and not-at-all staged. As Papa Joe pulled his fingers out of his twink toy’s butt so that he could cross them while wishing for Jessica to land the joke he paid writers to write for her, she said this:
“Yeah, I’ve been vomiting. The crazy thing is that I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous. Oh shucks! Well I guess told the world that I’m having a boy! I just did it so crude, too. I feel awful. I talked about wieners!”
Yes, this bitch said, “Oh shucks!” It’s nice to see that the writers of Hee Haw are still getting paid to write jokes. The funny thing is, Chestica’s ass is so damn fertile that when she said the word “wiener” a second time, her third baby started forming in her womb. But Jessica should’ve saved her pre-planned joke, because we already know that she’s having a wiener baby and we already know that she’s naming him Champion Penis.
And speaking of wieners that give you the barfs, here’s Papa Joe with a twink in tow leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live last night. Papa Joe really needs to get him a twink who will tell him that looking like the least popular member of a late 80s boy band who just can’t let go of the glory days IS not the look.
Jessica Simpson’s body doesn’t look like it’s storing a SeaWorld tank of amniotic fluid in it, so that means she’s got a long ass way to go before she births out her surprise baby. But a source tells UsWeekly that Jessica and her bought and paid for piece Eric Johnson have already burped up the perfect name for their second kid. No, Jessica isn’t naming her kid Buttered Pop Tart Johnson or Whoops Johnson. Jessica and Eric are giving their kid an even better name. The name they’re writing on the birf certificate is:
The source says that Eric and Jessica are going around telling people that they’re going to name their baby friend Ace Johnson. Ace Johnson sounds like the name of a frat boy at a community college who had dreams of becoming the most successful day trader in the Northern Orange County area, but ended up becoming a bar back at a sports bar before eventually getting a job as a driver on Bang Bus. Ace Johnson smells like Irish Spring, Abercrombie cologne and AXE hair paste. Ace Johnson uses his full name as his Xbox Live username, because his name is just that awesome.
When I translate Ace Johnson from bro talk to English in Google translation, it gives me the phrase “champion penis.” Jessica Simpson has really outdone herself this time.
And here’s Jessica with Baby Maxwell outside of a Mexican restaurant in Burbank a couple of days ago (yes, this is why a burrito shortage was issued in the Southern California area).