If a pop star from the olden times had to go after a nose-in-the-air pretentious Oscar-winning actress, my first choice would be Samantha Fox going after Goopy Paltrow for saying that she made yoga popular when we all know that Samantha Fox not only invented yoga, but made it popular too (see: Samantha Fox doing downward dog, sort of). But I’ll take Jessica Simpson dropping a fart on Natalie Portman for words Natalie said about her posing in a bikini when she was a teenage virgin.
Ashlee Simpson and her husband Evan Ross, known to us as Miss Diana Ross’ son, are continuing to milk money out of their family names by doing a reality show for E!, which premieres next month. To promote her show, Ashlee talked to E! News and I guess Evan was busy doing something because he doesn’t get quoted at all. Ashlee has been out of the game for a while. Her last album came out in 2008 and her MTV show ended three years before that. Ashlee talked about getting back into music, but who cares about that when she talks about the cringeworthy moment most of us know her from.
Over the last few days of this Boston heat wave, each time I’ve looked to see how hot it is outside, my iPhone just screams “MORDOR!!!!” at me. With that, I’ve basically just taken to lying on the tile of my kitchen sipping rosé with my dog (I don’t share, of course…that much) while I wait for the delivery man du jour to arrive with whatever nonsense I’ll shove into my gull. Well, if you can believe a new report, that’s a just a typical day for Jessica Simpson, who apparently has only just come to the realization that she’s not going to get a delayed Oscar for Dukes Of Hazzard, and just stays in her mansion running up a tab on delivery services – also known as a day that ends in –y at Mariah Carey’s manor. Continue reading
On today’s episode of This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again, a fermented naranja in a blond weave named Jessica Simpson was her usual kind of drunk last night and had to be helped to her car by her husband/human walking stick Something McWhatsHisFace. Now, ever since I had eyeball surgery five weeks ago, I’ve been off the booze, which is why my sober liver is singing “I’ve Never Had This Feeling Before” and also why BevMo! calls me daily to tell me how much they miss me. Since I’m a lightweight now, I got a quick, but fulfilling buzz, just from inhaling the vodka, gin, wine, whiskey, hand sanitizer, alcohol wipes breath wafting out of Jessica’s boozing hole. So thanks for that, Messica! A free buzz is always a good buzz.
And Jessica may consider becoming a polygamist so that she can marry another human walking stick, because it looks like she needs extra help.
You know you’re a next level kind of drunk when you’re the only one playing limbo with a limbo pole only you can see.
Yesterday. Jessica Simpson stepped out in NYC looking like a multi-tiered scoop of “Hoooooo Lawd!” Her shades most certainly were stolen from a 7-year-old, and who cares?! They look far better on the face behind the biggest line at Dillard’s…or Macy’s…or Big Lots…or…wherever the fuck that shit is sold. And what about that clutch?! Poor Lauren Hutton’s mouth got used for her purse! That blouse most certainly screams “oops! I’m just the substitute teacher and didn’t get the dress code memo, y’all!” Meanwhile, the leather coochie skirt is one wrong move on the mainstage away from ripping and airing out her Big Apples. Just kidding, that leather skirt says, “I’m leather, I’m red, and it’s fucking July in New York. Why the fuckity fuck did you fish me out of the closet?”
People shocked me silly by saying this outfit did not, in fact, come from a Baptist Vacation Bible School clothing swap. Instead, those shades cost $2,610 and were by, who else, Dolce & Gabbana. The only thing those two enjoy more than heaping doses of self-loathing is up-charging a hussy from a red state. The blouse is by Chloé and cost nearly $2,000. Chloé must be French for “Let’s see how far we can swindle this bitch.”
A Jessica Simpson interview is usually awkward wrapped in messy and doused with cringe-fuel, but shit really got awkward on yesterday’s episode of Ellen. Jessica went on Ellen to promote her billion dollar fashion (and whatever she puts her name on) empire, but it seemed more like a PSA for what happens to your brain when mix you wine, pills, nervousness and trying to be funny.