Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren rang in the New Year to the ear-piercing sound of crying and screaming. But unlike you or I, those sounds didn’t come from the biggest drunk at a New Year’s Eve party after they stepped in a puddle of unknown origin. Theirs was the sound of their third baby being born. People says that Jessica and Cash announced the arrival of their first son on Instagram. Hayes Alba Warren was born on December 31st.
Hayes joins Jessica and Cash’s two other kids, Honor Marie (9) and Haven Garner (6). So just like I predicted back when she announced her third pregnancy, Jessica and Cash kept the H theme going. Hayes Warren sounds like a brand of boat shoes sold exclusively at a yacht dealership. Plus it could always be worse: Jessica and Cash could have fallen victim to Hollywood baby naming conventions and spelled it wacky, like Haiyzze. But not Haze. I think we can all agree that the world only needs one Hollywood spawn named Haze.
Last night I linked to some pictures of Jessica Alba on vacation, and she seemed in all of them to be attempting to cover her stomach area. At the time I was like “Who cares, you’re on vacation, let it all hang out.” But now I realize she had a very good reason for obscuring her midsection from the paps. Jessica Alba is pregnant for the third time.
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
This isn’t a story about how half the items in that travel essentials vending machine aren’t TSA approved. Although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we discover that too, since The Honest Company was apparently created on a bed of LIES!!
Back in September, Jessica Alba’s company was hit with a lawsuit alleging that things labeled “non-toxic” were actually full of synthetic chemicals, that she was being deceptive when she threw around the word “natural“, and that her sunblock was shit. Then in March, they were accused of putting a chemical in their laundry detergent that they swore they’d never put in. Now they’re in trouble for passing non-organic baby formula off as organic. Gasp! The star of Honey would never!
Page Six says The Honest Company is currently being sued by the Organic Consumers Association over the ingredient list on their organic infant formula. According to the lawsuit, 11 of the 40 ingredients listed are synthetic substances that are not allowed in products labeled as organic. The OCA also allege that some ingredients are federally regulated as “hazardous compounds“, that one ingredient is “irradiated” (ie. exposed to radiation), and some have been assessed as not safe for human foods. Hazardous? Radioactive? Are we sure The Honest Company baby formula isn’t just powdered Planters Cheez Balls?
The Honest Company isn’t the only company the OCA are coming after; they’ve also slapped at Earth’s Best for allegedly filling their organic formulas full of crap as well. Neither Jessica Alba or The Honest Company has said anything about this maybe-shady situation. But the company that owns Earth’s Best insists that their baby formulas follow the USDA’s organic standards, and are confident that the OCA’s lawsuit will be dismissed.
Regardless of what happens, I’m sure this lawsuit is a major wake-up call for other actresses-turned-organic lifestyle hustlers. At the very least, I bet it’s making Gwyneth Paltrow sweat a little. “Oh shit! Someone round up those bees and ask to see some IDs. I swear to god if one of them turns out to be a wasp and I get sued for misrepresentation, I’m taking all you bitches down with me!”
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”
Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.