When 29-year-old Colton Haynes got engaged to his 46-year-old flower daddy Jeff Leatham (he’s a floral designer), it was a big, gay extravaganza complete with fireworks, drama and an appearance by Cher. So when I heard they were getting married this weekend, I prepared to explode into a tornado of glitter from the glorious gayness of their wedding. I expected to see Barbra Streisand softly yodel out Evergreen while officiating their ceremony from a giant crystal swan covered with rhinestone-encrusted white orchids imported from Thailand. But I guess all their money was spent on the engagement ceremony, because they had to settle for Pimp Mama Kris as their officiant.
And yet, I still would. I would have back when he looked like a feral hamster, and I would now. Hell, I would even if he was dressed as The Snuggler, but I think that says more about me than I should admit out loud, so I’ll stop.
Zach Galifianakis must have gotten cursed out by an evil gypsy woman or something, because he showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like an emaciated chicken nugget. And everyone was like “who dis?“, because Zach Galifianakis doesn’t really look like Zach Galifianakis anymore. He looks more like a blond Joaquin Phoenix. It’s like The Curious Case of Jonah Hill Galifianakis – all eyes and neck.
As much as I want to believe some old lady pulled a Thinner on his ass, Zach’s weight loss is probably just the result of quitting booze. Zach told Conan O’Brien back in May 2013 that he quit drinking and lost some weight, so I guess he’s still not drinking. According to UsWeekly, a source close to Zach says he’s “continuing to stay healthy. People are really proud of him.” That’s all well and good, but did he have to get rid of that sexy beard too? Maybe the beard started missing booze too much and was like “Fuck this, I’m going to go live on Andrew Garfield’s face.”
Zach didn’t walk the red carpet, but here’s more handsome tuxedoed hos from the SAG Awards last night, including Adrien Brody, BILF (Beetlejuice I’d like to…you get the idea) Michael Keaton, and the Texas T-Rex looking like the maître d of a fancy topless surf n’ turf restaurant:
If it’s morning time for you and the liquid caffeine you inject directly into your forehead vein hasn’t hit your brain yet, the picture Sofia Vergara posted on Whosay last night might look all sorts of things like two uncooked corn dogs waiting to go into the fryer or an eclipse as seen through a slit in a Las Vegas showgirl’s costume. But it’s a picture of Sofia Vergara’s ass crack refusing to be ignored.
Twenty minutes before Modern Family won their 1,579,773th trophy at last night’s Modern Family Appreciation Ceremony, Sofia Vergara’s butt cakes busted her zipper right open. You might think that Sofia’s nalgas are a couple of fame whores and just wanted to get their pictures taken, because her chichis were getting all the attention, but I think it was doing what we all did. It blew out a gust of hot air, because Modern Family kept winning EVERYTHING.
They were winning so much that I’m sure when they got backstage, Publishers Clearing House gave them a check for $1 million, the California Lottery people congratulated them for having the winning ticket even though they didn’t buy any tickets and then ASkars gave each of them a vial of his own Swedish baby batter before saying, “Please have my child.”
Modern Family won Outstanding Comedy Series for the third year in a row, Julie Bowen won Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for the second year in a row and Eric Stonestreet won Outstanding Support Actor in a Comedy Series. But the winningest ho in that cast is Jesse Tyler Ferguson who gets to go home and comb and condition his piece’s luscious grizzly brows every night.
Yup, this is what that hot bitch in Alabama was talking about.