The black mark on many a New Jersey resident’s soul is MTV’s old reality series, Jersey Shore. The true-to-life tales of a wild pack of bronzed goons and goblinettes sharing a rental and getting wasted, tanning themselves to a crisp, and physically assaulting one another inadvertently became a cultural phenomenon! Catchphrases were coined. Gnarly abs were celebrated. Everyone came to assume that any New Jersey resident under 40 was either an overly tanned juice-head compensating for sub-standard genitals with violence, or a drunken human halter-top ready to rake her nails down your face at a moment’s notice. They finally vacated the shore in December of 2012.
That lady in the front making a “Fuck this shit, where’s the open bar?” face is all of us.
At the St. Rose of Lima Catholic church in East Hanover, NJ yesterday, history was made when an Ewok married a juicehead gorilla. It was a major event for interspecies marriage activists. 27-year-old Snooki married her 27-year-old two-time baby father Jionni LaValle in a Catholic church while wearing white. So that rumble you heard yesterday wasn’t only from your stomach continuing to die a slow death after being filled with Stove Top and gallons of the sweet nectar. That rumble was also the sound of a thousand Catholic abuelitas collapsing to the floor from the ESCANDALOSONESS of it all.
UsWeekly says that the Chilean Ewok’s bridesmaids party included elegant Thundercat JWoww and Danny DeVito impersonator Deena Cortese. Pauly D was also there, but who knows about the other Jersey Shore messes. UsWeekly also says that Snooki wore two gowns, one of which looked like something straight out of Say Fuck No To The Dress. It’s a bridal nightmare that made her look like an Ewok mermaid drowning in a swamp of merengue.
Snooki and Jionni’s reception went down at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ and it was a Great Gatsby theme. I wonder how many times Snooki screamed, “No, you fricken moron, Great Gatsby is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie! It’s not a book!” after someone said to her, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book.” I know, nobody said that to her. We all know she can’t read.
But seriously, who knew that Snooki would turn out to be the normal, stable and semi-sane one from Jersey Shore. It seemed like it was just yesterday when she was pissing on the floor of a bar. Now she’s all grown up and marrying her future ex-husband in front of MTV’s cameras (Snooki can’t take a shit without them, so I’m guessing they were there). Fame whores usually never grow up, so it’s shocking when one does.
And since you can never have too much grace and sophistication in one post, here’s what Snooki’s bridal heels looked like:
There’s really something poetic about Snooki getting married in shoes that look like bedazzled mold.
So I guess God really did ignore us when during the first season of Jersey Shore, we asked him or her to please turn the Kamikaze shots they were downing into sterile juice and to not let any of them spawn. Because JWoww birthed out another cast member of TTV’s reboot of Jersey Shore in 2034. (Side note: In the future MTV will finally keep it real and change their name to Trash Television). E! News says that in a hospital in the Tri-state area somewhere, a living, breathing human baby is looking up at JWoww’s melting Thundercats Shrinky Dink face and realizing that yes, that rubber Lucky Cat creature is her mother. JWoww IS somebody’s mother.
JWoww gave birth to her first kid, a daughter, with her guido fiancé of two years Roger Matthews at 12:49 ET. Because JWoww is a fame whore at heart, she didn’t waste any time and four seconds after her daughter was pulled out of her body, she released a statement. JWoww’s statement probably came out before her Botox-infused placenta did.
“Jenni and Roger are so excited to welcome the newest guidette Meilani Alexandra Mathews to the world weighing 7lbs and 13 ounces. Meilani and her parents are doing great and are happy and healthy. Meilani is already looking to trade her baby bottle for barbells.”
I was hoping that JWoww would pay tribute to the Jersey Shore by naming her kid Karma-ella Duck Phone Matthews. Oh well.
I’ve said it before, but it’s still a miracle and mystery to me that Snooki, who’s growing a second baby in her Ewok uterus right now, has been in charge of another human for this long and hasn’t traded him in for a gallon jug of gin in a Costco parking lot. So maybe the silicone rose of the Jersey Shore and Roger won’t be the worst parents and if they are the worst parents, at least they’ll teach their kid one very important thing: always maintain a pristine and exquisite eyebrow situation. That’s really the only thing that matters.
And congratulations to JWoww, because now she can finally get the melting Tupperware bowls in her chest re-shapened and she can suck all the baby weight out of her legs since only the thighs of gross fatties touch.
I know you spent the last 24 hours pacing the floor in anticipation and wondering when we’d finally get to see the classic American beauty that Pauly D made a baby with. Who would have guessed that his type would be ‘grimy Atlantic City version of Backdoor Farrah’? I know, we’ve all collapsed from shock (or for those of you who’ve had contact with The Situation, Toxic Shock Syndrome). Proving once again that everyone gets to set 15 minutes on the fame whore clock, we have a new extravagant jewel to help us to temporarily forget about the last one that rolled under the couch (Courtney Stodden, you’re fine; stay there till we need you).
Discovering the identity of a crusty piece of trash’s baby mama is kind of like 2013’s version of a Debutante Ball. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m very proud to present to you all Miss Amanda Markert (is it market or marker? WHY NOT BOTH!) Miss Amanda is a proud alumnus of Hooters, a restaurant-slash-finishing school with a long history of producing classy sophisticated women for generations.
From what I’ve gathered in my rudimentary snooping as a slow-version Jessica Fletcher (aka reading TMZ), I can tell you the following:
1. She’s a college student who’s studying Forensics (something that grew out of a two-week TiVo obsession with David Boreanaz in Bones, no doubt)
2. She named Pauly D’s baby Amabella (I can’t I can’t I can’t)
3. She just wants to dress her baby in the finest accessories and costumes. You’re a millionaire, Pauly D: BUY YOUR BABY SOME EFFING COSTUMES ALREADY!
Since stone-cold dum-dums get together and bareback everyday, this shouldn’t really be news. HOWEVER, here’s what makes it juicier than a bottle of hair glue: Pauly D thinks Amanda Markert is an unfit mother because she worked at Hooters and has another child, so he wants full custody of Amabella (I still can’t). I know; a professional record player with Fraggle hair and a Dollar Tree spray tan is now an expert in parenting.
Pauly D needs to man-up and back a dump truck full of DJ Dollars into the driveway of her Egg Harbor, NJ duplex and make this whole mess blow over. The pictures of Rob Kardashian and Brody Jenner on Amanda Markert’s Instagram are very telling; I get the feeling that the longer she goes without child support, the sooner she goes on New Jersey local news to cry about how millionaire DJ Pauly D won’t buy her baby accessories and costumes (Fame Step.1), which then leads to interviews on national news (Fame Step 2.), and that of course leads to the greasy sleaze balls at Vivid knocking on her door with a cartoonishly-large sack of money to star in “I Had Pauly’s D” (Expert Fame Level COMPLETE).
(Pic via Instagram)
TMZ says that Jersey Shore whore and millionaire DJ Pauly D (that last part might’ve been the most depressing thing I’ve ever typed and I’m mad that the universe didn’t drop a bottle of Prozac in my lap after I typed it) dick pumped a load of tanned baby batter up into one of his tricks and now he’s somebody’s father! Maybe Pauly D’s barebacking ass should add a B (for buysomefuckingcondoms) to his daily GTL routine. Scratch that, because if he did that, GTL would become LGBT and the entire LGBT community does not deserve that.
Pauly D’s first baby mother (that we know of) lives in New Jersey, but their bundle of hair gel and bronzing tanning spray was made in Las Vegas. Pauly D and his trick met while he was DJing and she was partying. She birthed out their daughter a few months ago. You can easily find out if a kid is Pauly D’s by squeezing it to see if hair gel quirts out of the pores on its scalp, but he took a DNA test anyway and he IS the father. Pauly D told TMZ that he will take care of his kid, “I’m proud I’m a father. I am excited to embark on this new part of my life.”
Next to the duck phone and Angelina’s luxurious trash bag luggage set, Pauly D was my favorite whore on Jersey Shore, but then again, choosing your favorite Jersey Shore whore is like choosing which wart on your genitals is the one you want to spend just a little more time with. I’m sure Pauly D will make a wonderful father and by that I mean he’ll send all his child support checks in on time (until his DJ money runs out anyway) and he’ll teach his daughter important life lessons like how to properly do a Jägerbomb off of a trick’s stomach and how to charbroil her skin without burning her nips off.
And I hope that in the far future, Pauly D’s daughter and Snooki’s son will star in the reboot of Jersey Shore on WTV. (In the future, MTV will finally realize what we’ve all know for decades: they don’t serve up music anymore. They’ll flip that M upside/down and become Whore Television.) I mean, since we suffered through Jersey Shore, our children should also have to suffer through that shit. It will make them stronger.
While the has-beens and lessers were at something called the MTV VMAsomethings in Brooklyn, the real stars were at InTouch Weekly’s Icons & Idols (read: the opposite of that) party held in the back room of Dallas BBQ on 2nd Avenue in the East Village. No, it was held in some club.
The pores on your face are probably hyperventilating and I’m sure your eyelids suddenly feel really heavy, like they’re holding up 40 pounds of tar-covered tarantulas. Jersey Shore whore Deena Cortese and her natural beauty have that effect on most. A shortage of Bonne Bell foundation was issued in the Tri-state area and that’s because Deena wore every last bottle on her face. Bitch looks like an overused foundation sponge that somehow mutated into a living thing. I kind of want to stick my finger in her 7 layers of foundation and see how far it goes.
She looks like a Danny DeVito wax figure at a really terrible wax museum that wasn’t really popular with visitors so it was re-purposed into a JLo wax figure.
With all that said, she’s really not wearing enough make-up and a dark lip liner really would’ve completed the look.