Like covers of “Imagine,” that “Melrose Place” reboot and fanny packs, sometimes it’s best to just let the original speak for itself…and never try to revive it. So when word got out that the same production team behind Jersey Shore were heading to the Florida Panhandle to revive it in the form of Floribama Shore, some people thought that might not work. Especially the original Jersey Shore wrecks cast. Continue reading
Back in August, I wrote about the mystic beauty of Destin, Florida. Some have the Hamptons, some have Palm Springs, but those of us who grew up in the South…we had big city dreams, a taxidermied pet or three, and the Redneck Riviera. Now it looks like MTV is ready to shine a light on this cathedral of crawfish stands, totally-illegal-but-fucking-awesome-BBQ stands in the Walmart parking lot, and nightly brawls down at the waterfront saloon. Continue reading
The first trailer for the Jersey Shore reunion was released, and anyone with any marketing know-how would have done this trailer right. They would have opened it with old b&w footage of former Jersey Shore hobbitess (and current thinner Jersey Shore hobbitess) Snooki celebrating pickles back in the day and how much she loves
those dick substitutes them. And then new 2017 footage of a svelte Snooki talking about how she might have lost weight but she still loves those dick substitutes pickles! It would hearken back to the old days, and comfort the viewer by showing nothing’s changed that much. Then again, it’s E! and all of their marketing intelligentsia are on the Kardashian project and mostly concerned with making that family palatable to humans. Continue reading
Because I’m a Grade-A, red-blooded, diva-loving gay gay gay, there is really no better medicine post-breakup than taking a bottle of rosé to the face, watching hours of Sex and the City, and thinking, “At least you ain’t as fucked in the head as Carrie Bradshaw,” before flopping into bed and crying myself to sleep to Danity Kane. Well, I wonder if that would be a bit too meta for Aubrey O’Day, because E! reports she is no longer riding Pauly D’s D. What?! Say it ain’t so! Who gets custody of the joint account at Sun Tan City?!?!?!
The black mark on many a New Jersey resident’s soul is MTV’s old reality series, Jersey Shore. The true-to-life tales of a wild pack of bronzed goons and goblinettes sharing a rental and getting wasted, tanning themselves to a crisp, and physically assaulting one another inadvertently became a cultural phenomenon! Catchphrases were coined. Gnarly abs were celebrated. Everyone came to assume that any New Jersey resident under 40 was either an overly tanned juice-head compensating for sub-standard genitals with violence, or a drunken human halter-top ready to rake her nails down your face at a moment’s notice. They finally vacated the shore in December of 2012.
That lady in the front making a “Fuck this shit, where’s the open bar?” face is all of us.
At the St. Rose of Lima Catholic church in East Hanover, NJ yesterday, history was made when an Ewok married a juicehead gorilla. It was a major event for interspecies marriage activists. 27-year-old Snooki married her 27-year-old two-time baby father Jionni LaValle in a Catholic church while wearing white. So that rumble you heard yesterday wasn’t only from your stomach continuing to die a slow death after being filled with Stove Top and gallons of the sweet nectar. That rumble was also the sound of a thousand Catholic abuelitas collapsing to the floor from the ESCANDALOSONESS of it all.
UsWeekly says that the Chilean Ewok’s bridesmaids party included elegant Thundercat JWoww and Danny DeVito impersonator Deena Cortese. Pauly D was also there, but who knows about the other Jersey Shore messes. UsWeekly also says that Snooki wore two gowns, one of which looked like something straight out of Say Fuck No To The Dress. It’s a bridal nightmare that made her look like an Ewok mermaid drowning in a swamp of merengue.
Snooki and Jionni’s reception went down at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ and it was a Great Gatsby theme. I wonder how many times Snooki screamed, “No, you fricken moron, Great Gatsby is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie! It’s not a book!” after someone said to her, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book.” I know, nobody said that to her. We all know she can’t read.
But seriously, who knew that Snooki would turn out to be the normal, stable and semi-sane one from Jersey Shore. It seemed like it was just yesterday when she was pissing on the floor of a bar. Now she’s all grown up and marrying her future ex-husband in front of MTV’s cameras (Snooki can’t take a shit without them, so I’m guessing they were there). Fame whores usually never grow up, so it’s shocking when one does.
And since you can never have too much grace and sophistication in one post, here’s what Snooki’s bridal heels looked like:
There’s really something poetic about Snooki getting married in shoes that look like bedazzled mold.