Anyone who wished they could see more of Jerry O’Connell gossiping on TV (besides the times he’s hired as Ryan Seacrest’s unofficial seat filler on Live with Kelly and Ryan) was surely delighted to hear the news last month that Bravo was giving him his own TV show. Jerry’s late-night show was going to be called Real Men Watch Bravo, and it was set to premiere in the fall. Not many people were feeling the name, because it can be argued that real men already watch Bravo, and they’re called the viewers of every Real Housewives franchise in existence. And so a few days after the announcement of Real Men Watch Bravo, Bravo announced the show would be renamed. Jerry is now apologizing for that.
Shortly after Michael Strahan announced that he was taking the Michael out of Live! with Kelly and Michael and taking it over to Good Morning America, there were whispers that ABC had already drafted up a short list of replacements for him. Two names that were being thrown around were Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris, because I guess ABC was really feeling the idea of replacing Michael with a blue-eyed gay dreamboat.
But it sounds like ABC might want to think about throwing some lady names on that list too, because there could be a chance they’ll be replacing Kelly Ripa as well. A source tells UsWeekly that Kelly really wants Michael to be replaced by either Anderson Cooper (whose book she was not-so-subtly seen carrying around yesterday) or Andy Cohen. The source claims that if ABC doesn’t hire one Kelly’s choices to sit beside her, she’s thinking about leaving. And not in the “Bye bitches, see you in a couple days” way either. According to said source, Kelly is still a little pissed about the way things were handled with Michael that she’s ready to put in her permanent walking papers unless she gets her way. But wait, Kelly told us yesterday that everything is fine! I just don’t know what to believe anymore.
Kelly isn’t exactly reaching for a box to pack up her things just yet. ABC is still deciding who they want. They’re also apparently adding more names to the list. According to UsWeekly, they’re also considering Jerry O’Connell. But it doesn’t look good for Kelly. Anderson is currently busy covering the election, and Andy is under contract with Bravo for Watch What Happens Live. I guess if Kelly does end up quitting, that would give Disney a good excuse to pull the plug on Live! and give GMA that third hour they’ve been rumored to be looking at. Hmmm…how convenient for you, Disney.
I understand wanting to work with your friends, but this is all a tad dramatic. Would it honestly be so unbearable to make morning show small talk with Neil Patrick Harris while your bank account gets stuffed with millions of dollars? Hell, if the price was right, I’m sure NPH would throw a little silver in his hair if that’s what will do it for Kelly.
In case you didn’t know by the fact that Giuliana Rancic’s face is all over the news (and by the “news” I mean The Daily Mail and People since that’s pretty much “the news” to me), she’s been hitting the ho stroll harder than usual because she’s pimping out her third book called Going Off Script: How I Survived a Crazy Childhood, Cancer, and Clooney’s 32 On-Screen Rejections. Yes, she has more than one book, because everyone is dying to know every single thing about the life of a professional “What Are You Wearing?” asker. Because Giuliana needed some shit for her book, she dusted off a 10+ year old cheating rumor and threw it in.
Giuliana and Jerry O’Connell bumped nipples in the early aughts and she writes that he passed his peen to another twice before dumping her. According to Page Six, Giuliana writes that things between her and Jerry were heart-shaped queefs and rainbows until he cheated on her with Ginger Spice.
“I was being two-timed for one of the lesser Spices?” she writes. Confronted, O’Connell told her, “ ‘Yeah, I know. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.’ He had as much emotion as the customer-service representative who tells you your bags missed the flight.”
They broke up for a second, but got back together. That lasted about as long as a fried Twinkie casserole in front of Mama June’s face. Giuliana claims that Jerry quit her for good after meeting his now wife of 8 years Rebecca Romjin at a party in Vegas.
O’Connell wandered off. “Little did I know he was in the VIP area, talking up Rebecca. As a prelude to feeling up Rebecca.”
A week later, he departed for Las Vegas and stopped returning her calls. When she confronted him at his home, he refused to buzz her up.
“Nope. Sorry, homegirl,” he said, ending their relationship with: “Things change, but you take care, OK?”
Dumping a trick via a building intercom is like making someone come in on a Friday morning just so you can fire them. But the image of Jerry dropping that “sorry, homegirl” line on her after she tried to get him to buzz her in has taken me up, up and away.
And Giuliana’s ass needs to be taken away and jailed immediately for that ignorant “lesser spice” comment. Bitch needs more education! Ginger Spice isn’t the lesser Spice, because there are no lesser Spices. Choosing a lesser Spice Girl is like choosing a lesser of the Shiba Inu 6. It’s not possible! (But if I had to, I’d choose Sporty Spice. Fuck, here comes the screaming.) When I read that Giuliana accused Jerry of cheating on her with a lesser Spice, I pictured her walking in on him fucking a jar of dill seeds.
Here’s Giuliana whoring out her book for the paps in NYC today.
Because some sucio whores want to scratch at a fetish they didn’t know they had (read: watching a human bottle of Summer’s Eve squirt out douche tears while wearing a paper bag over his head), there’s a way-too-long line to see Shia LaDouche’s diarrhea-inducing performance art piece in L.A. But today, and today only, the people had a chance to feed their souls with some truly entertaining fuckery. Next door to Shia LaDouche’s poop-up (typo and it stays) performance art gallery, Jerry O’Connell copies Shia who’s copying Marina Abramovic. Now fucking with Shia LaDouche is my idea of real art. This is how you troll a troll. Trololololo.
Both Buzzfeed and Vice say that say that for today only, Funny or Die set up a stunt art piece titled #IAMSORRYTOO starring Jerry O’Connell. Just like Shia’s piss puddle of an art piece, one by one people were led into the gallery and had to pick up an object that represented one of Jerry’s movies. Sadly, there was no chewed-off peen from Piranha 3D. After the person picked up an object, they went into a room and came face-to-bag-face with some real HIGH ART! Jerry was sitting there with a bag over his head that read “SUPER FAMOUS” and unlike Shia, Jerry spit out words. Jerry spit out sowwies for what he feeds his kids and for not keeping a show on network TV. Buzzfeed stood in line and talked to Jerry about fucking with Shia and he delivered this jewel:
“Everyone’s talking about it, whether you want to call it art or a real apology, it’s hilarious. He’s getting people talking. I’m all for this artsy gallery thing. It’s fun to parody because all I have to do here is sit with a bag on my head, crying, and saying, ‘I sowwy.’ But I have to tell you; it’s freeing to continually apologize like he does. I get it. ”
O’Connell said he is curious to know if LaBeouf would find what he’s doing equally funny. “The only thing we’re fearing is that Shia, who I don’t know personally, is known to fly off the handle. I just need fair warning if he comes storming in here for a bagged man on bagged man fight because I can’t see out of this paper bag. I’m sweating like Shia in an apology booth in here. I just need warning to take cover. ”
A confrontation is doubtful though, as O’Connell said he has no plans to wait in LaBeouf’s queue. “There’s no fucking way I’m going over there,” he said. “I wouldn’t wait in that line to see a Shia movie!”
The only way this could’ve been better is if Jerry O’Connell did the entire stunt as Tommy Girl and called the piece #YOULLBESORRY.
I hope celebrities keep fucking with Shia by copying his ass and by that I mean I hope Jon Hamm sets up a glory hole gallery on the same street and calls it #YOUWONTBESORRYBUTYOURJAWWILLBE.
While I patiently waiting for an all-lemur production of The Munsters starring Mary-Kate Olsen as Lily, Bryan Fuller (the creator of Pushing Daisies and Wonderfalls) and Bryan Singer (the director of The Usual Suspects and the first X-Men movies) are working on a complete reboot of The Munsters for NBC called Mockingbird Lane. They have already cast Eddie Izzard as Grandpa Munster, Mason Cook as Eddie, Charity Wakefield as Marilyn and now they’ve found their Herman Munster in Jerry O’Connell. This is where you put your obligatory “Khloe Kardashian was ROBBED” jokes.
Vulture read the pilot script and they say it’s really nothing like the original. The Double Bryans have taken The Munsters, removed its laugh track, lengthened it to an hour and injected it with a whole lot of silicone-infused drama. Bryan Fuller described their version as The Real Housewives of Transylvania and an American Horror Story for the entire family. NBC is calling it a “visually spectacular one hour drama.” So I guess that means we’ll see Eddie Izzard in a rubber suit and Lily Munster performing her single Tardy for the Funeral at Transylvania Gay Pride.
I will never forgive Bryan Singer for butchering the greatest show in the history of shows, Footballers Wives, by trying to do an American version of it. Bryan can right this wrong by casting Footballers Wives’ Tanya Turner as Lily Munster. Yeah, Tanya Turner as Lily Munster is bizarre, but so far everything about Mockingbird Lane sounds bizarre, so they might as well take the bizarreness all the way. I mean, don’t you want to see Lily and Marilyn get into it like this:
UPDATE: Deadline says Lorena from True Blood might play Lily.
It wouldn’t be the Kentucky Derby without a tall crystal glass of sweet tea with just a hint of mint to give your tongue the tingles. Johnny Weir quenched the thirst of dry mouthed bitches when he hit the red carpet at the Kentucky Derby yesterday dressed like a fancy Bravo reality star (I’m looking at you, Dwight) going to a drag queen’s funeral.
This is the first time in the history of the Kentucky Derby that the race ended early and a winner was not declared. That’s because as soon all the horses spotted Johnny in the audience, they sprouted wings, pushed a crystal horn out of their heads and flew off towards the land of rainbows and glitter. Johnny freed them!
And the people who got to witness Johnny’s glittery magic at work were: two assholian clowns, Larry Birkhead with Dannielynn, Fran Drescher, Joey Fat One, Jeff Lewis with Jenni, Vanessa Manilafolders with Nick Lachey, LOCKE!, Ugh Mario Lopez, Marisa Miller, Rebecca Romijn with Jerry O’Connell, Fred Willard and the woman with the best hat at the Derby.