We Have An Early Nominee For Messiest Mug Shot Of 2018

A friend of mine once came to after a drunken bender in Cancun to find himself behind a dumpster, missing his shoes and wallet. That human shipwreck still looked more presentable than actor Jeremy London, 45, does in his latest mugshot. Page Six and TMZ report that the former Party Of Five and Mallrats cast member caught a domestic charge on Friday. Hopefully his punishment involves delousing and a shower, because although it’s not as bad as his brother’s 2013 mug shot, it still gets a “damn” from me.  Continue reading

Jeremy London’s Wife Admits The Obvious

After Jeremy London gave all of us the laughs for claiming that he was forced to smoke crack and pass out booze in the gang areas of Palm Springs by evil kidnappers, his ventriloquist dummy of a wife spit out the same story. Melissa Cunningham went for the laughs herself by saying that the kidnappers drove her home after she cried about being scared. That joke never gets old and should really be inducted into the comedy hall of fame. There’s no gongs involved when Melissa and Jeremy open up their mouths.

Well, Melissa is now saying that she believes the kidnapping thing was really a drug deal gone wrong. Fuck me in the ass with a DUH! You don’t say?

Melissa and Jeremy are both shooting Celebrity Rehab right now, and she took a break from getting high on Dr. Drew’s glare to talk to Radar Online. Melissa admits that they were both messed up on Ambien before the “kidnapping.” Melissa says she told them to drive her ass home, because she overheard Jeremy asking them for Vicodin and she didn’t want any part of that.

Melissa said, “I did overhear him… he said something about Vicodin. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but that is what got me pissed and I asked to be driven home. I thought, ‘Get me out of this car, something shady is going to go on’, but Jeremy was like, ‘Oh, no problem, no problem’ and I said no, take me home, right now. I think they wanted me to leave, so they could go party with Jeremy or whatever they had planned.”

When asked if she thinks Jeremy made up the whole kidnapping thing, Melissa said, “I can’t answer that question with a clear conscious… because I don’t know what went on when I was out of the car.”

Meanwhile, 26-year-old Brandon Adams is still sitting in a jail cell on kidnapping charges.

It was nice of Melissa to clear up the obvious for us, but there’s still a million more questions that need answering. 1) Is it true that Jeremy London came up with that crackamaney scheme while watching a Six Feet Under rerun on a TV in a Super 8? 2) Is it true that Melissa is actually a discount blow-up doll version of Brittany from Daria? 3) In her expert opinion, does she believe that Ambien is having the BEST YEAR EVER? 4) More importantly, why am I still posting about Jeremy Fucking London?

You Saw This Coming

Dr. Drew is going to kidnap Jeremy London at gunpoint and drive him all the way to his clinic in Pasadena, CA (which is sort of like the “gang areas” of Palm Springs) to complete an entire season of “Celebrity” “Rehab“! Dr. Drew will soothe Jeremy’s nerves by telling him there will be plenty of trees for him to climb. Jeremy will join an all-star cast of A-listers including: The Empress of Lucite, Gummi Bear, Tila Tequila, and Jason Wahler (aka Shauna Sand and 3 names that even Google doesn’t recognize).

A source tells Radar that Jeremy will check into Celebrity Rehab early next week. Jeremy’s last visit to rehab was back in September of ’09 when he was treated for an addiction to prescription pills. Jeremy recently told People that despite being forced to smoke crack, he is totally sober (insert a trillion HAHAHAHAHAHs here). So I’m not sure what kind of addiction Jeremy will be treated for. Oh well, that never stopped Dr. Drew in the past, so they’ll figure it out along the way.

And let this serve as a tip to all the has-beens out there! There’s no need for you to stand outside of Michael Bay’s house while holding a “Will Wash Ferrari 4 Walk-On Role” sign. Simply call the police and give them some bullshit story about how you were kidnapped by a bunch of kidnapping crackhead makers. Before you know it, you’ll have your own TV show! So Mischa Barton, stop bothering your agent’s assistant and call 911 instead!

Crackhead In A Tree

You know what Jeremy London’s “kidnapped and forced to smoke crack” saga has been missing? Well, except for the truth. It’s been missing a big ass fucking tree, and now we’ve finally got one! Right after Jeremy supposedly escaped from his kidnappers (HA!), he showed up to a Ramada Inn at 2 in the morning. The clerk on duty at the time told Radar that Jeremy was tweaked out of his skull and acting all sorts of wrong. Why wasn’t this shit recorded in front of a live studio audience?!

The clerk said (this really needs a laugh track), “I was at the front desk and suddenly I looked outside and there’s this grown man clawing his way up one of the trees. He kept trying to shimmy his way up but he couldn’t do it.”

Jeremy finally gave up and he went into the lobby and told the clerk, “Do you know who I am? I’m Jeremy London. I need a room.”

There’s a question on the SATs that asks, “Do You Know Who I Am?” with a picture of Jeremy London next to it. The correct answer is “NO.” So obviously, Jeremy didn’t do too well on his SATs.

And I know I’ve mentioned the Crackhead Leprechaun in a Jeremy London post before, but now with this tree climbing shit it’s confirmed that they are one in the same. Seriously, has Jeremy ever been to Mobile, Alabama?

That sketch and Jeremy do have the same eyes…..

It’s The New Thing!

If an emotion called jealousy filled you up after reading about how Jeremy London’s kidnappers forced him to smoke crack, then find yourself a car with a flat tire and hit the streets of Palm Springs, because apparently that kind of shit happens all the time! That’s what Jeremy’s wife Melissa seems to think anyway. In an interview with Radar, Melissa says that the nay-saying bitches out there should stop fucking them with the doubt stick, because it could happen to you. “PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN TO ME!!!” – Lindsay Lohan

Melissa, who was also kidnapped but later driven home after she started crying, says that she is scared for her life still, because the cops have yet to find two of the kidnapping crackhead makers. Brandon Adams was already arrested and charged with stealing an idea from an episode of Six Feet Under.

Melissa went on to pull all of our dicks, “This is real. Jeremy’s still in shock. He was very scared. People don’t understand that police only have one of the guys in custody. There are still two suspects out there. We’re very scared. I just hope this never happens to them. Police told us this is the new thing to do down here (Ed note: The police didn’t tell them that)… rob people at gunpoint and make them do drugs so they won’t be reliable witnesses. It’s happening more and more.

We’re working with police to get the other two guys behind bars. Brandon Adams has already given a partial confession. As a woman and as a mother, I just want these people behind bars.”

Oh, and about that “mother” part. Melissa and Jeremy lost custody of their son Lyrik, because they named him Lyrik. No, they lost custody because of their addiction to the bad shit. Surprise, surprise.

This whole shit just keeps getting crazier and crazier. But what’s even crazier is that this is my 4th post about Jeremy London! It’s as if someone kidnapped me in the parking lot of a Jack in the Box and forced me to write about him over and over again. I wish they would force me to smoke crack instead. Oh, well. Maybe next time since this is the new thing.

And the detectives on this case should really investigate as to whether Melissa is in fact a plastic ventriloquist’s dummy made by the makers of the Real Doll (SPOILER ALERT: She is).

Jeremy London Was Kidnapped By The Most Polite Crackheads In Palm Springs

Jeremy London’s remake of that Six Feet Under episode where David Fisher gets kidnapped and is forced to smoke crack just got a rewrite! The only way this saga could get more unbelievable is if it turns out Jeremy London is telling the truth! In case a gun-toting crackhead kidnapped you and forced you smoke to the bad shit so you could forget all about this story, let me drop it in your brain again.

Jeremy London of Party of Five told Palm Springs police that two men he thought were going to help him change a flat tire ended up pulling a gun on his ass and forced him into his own car. Jeremy says that they drove him around and forced him to smoke crack. They apparently also made him buy and hand out booze in “gang areas” of Palm Springs. Jeremy later escaped. One of Jeremy’s alleged kidnappers, Brandon Adams, was later arrested and charged with hood rad stuff in the first degree. Brandon pleaded not guilty. Well, today’s twist involves Jeremy’s wife….

Apparently, Jeremy’s wife Melissa Cunningham was also kidnapped! Radar Online says that Melissa was with Jeremy when he got a flat tire. A source says that Melissa begged the kidnappers to let her go and she started crying. Since the kidnappers are obviously the second coming of Mother Theresa they drove her the fuck home and let her go but they kept Jeremy! Yes, just like that.

Let me guess, the kidnappers also opened the door for her and walked her inside. Then they made her a cup of chamomile tea, brushed her hair and massaged her wrists with lavender oil until she calmed down. Then they politely wrote their full names on a piece of rose-scented stationary and handed it to Melissa along with a telephone so she could call the police after they left. I mean, Jeremy is really waving a pinky finger in our faces and telling us it’s a 9-inch dick.

And just like Jeremy, Melissa also has a bad history with drugs. Both Melissa and Jeremy have to go through random drug tests because of the custody issue involving their 3-year-old son Lyrik. Lyrik is currently staying with Melissa’s mother.

So not only are Jeremy’s kidnappers nice enough to share their crack, but they also took pity on one of their captors and drove her home. Fuck prison time. Give them a Noble Peace Prize.

Part of me thinks this is all part of Jeremy’s master plan. Jeremy is telling these tall tales of fuckery so that truTV can turn his ordeal into a movie, which means he can play himself, which means he’ll actually get a check. Survey says that Jeremy is doing a good job in making that happen.