This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
The Kentucky Derby was today and I don’t know who’s supposed to win (or if somebody already won, I don’t know who won) and I don’t think the celebrities who went even know. They just go because they want to wear a dead bird on their head and get drunk on whatever liquor brand is sponsoring the event. Larry Birkhead and his Sun-In highlights show up year after year after year and this year he figured that if he’s going to drag Dannielynn onto the red carpet he might as well let her wear a costume.
Larry and his daughter with Anna Nicole Smith served up some Penguin Dance realness at the Kentucky Derby today. It’s kind of cute and it’s kind of weird, but they looked better than 99.9% of the hos there. They should make this their thing. They should always wear matching or coordinating outfits. They can be the father/daughter version of Lucille and Buster Bluth.
That being said, Larry and Dannielynn weren’t the best dressed of the Kentucky Derby. The best dressed title goes to the reigning Queens of the Kentucky Derby, the Barnstable Twins! Get into their wonk-eyed satin glamour:
The Barnstable Twins were the Doublemint Twins once and now they’re actress/international beauties/socialite types who throw a charity gala during the Kentucky Derby every year. They’re the only reason the Kentucky Derby exists. Who cares about those racing horses. Everybody shows up just to see these two gorgeous melting Barbies in person.
And here’s pictures from various KD events of some hos who showed up just to see the beauty of the Barnstable Twins up close: Larry with Dannielynn Hope, Jennifer Tilly with Krysten Ritter, Star Jones, Miranda Lambert and Coco Rocha.
Every now and again, ageless flower Jennifer Tilly has to remind everyone that Christina Hendricks isn’t the only demure beauty in Hollywood who can suffocate and push up her titty globes so that it looks like she’s smuggling Right Said Fred in her dress. At The Dream Foundation Gala in Santa Barbara, CA on Friday night, Jennifer put her glorious butt cheek chichis on display. Yes, I get seriously hypnotized by a pair of magnificent chichis, but I’m gay, so my eyes still wandered down to her shoes and Jennifer’s shoes are a new kind of fugly.
One of my friends from junior high school invited me over to his grandma’s house after school one day and the first thing she said to me when I walked through her front door was, “Don’t go in my ‘nice’ living room.” I didn’t go in, but I looked in. Grandma watched Anna Karenina way too many times, because her nice living room looked like a low-budget Trading Spaces room inspired by baroque-era Russia. I have never seen so much gold spray paint and so many plastic roses in my life and that’s saying a lot, because I’ve been inside of many Catholic churches in East L.A. Grandma’s room put the BA-ROKE in baroque. Jennifer Tilly’s feet look like grandma’s fancy living room barfed on them.
Even though Jennifer Tilly’s shoes look two baroque dingles, I can’t hate on them fully. Because I’m sure that every time Jennifer took a step in those hideous heels, her chichis bounced slightly and it looked like two clouds blowing in the wind. Those heels are ugly, but they still served the greater good.
Here’s more of Tilly titty’s at the Dream Foundation Gala. Katy Perry and the Plastic Vampiress of Graceland were also there.