It wasn’t that long ago when Jennifer Love Hewitt was the human Miss Prissy and was so desperate for a husband that she’d bring an officiant, a wedding planner, a florist, an engagement ring and a wedding ring with her to a first date just in case. But then ole square bitches herself met her now husband Brian Hallisay while doing The Client List and she popped out their first kid, a daughter named Autumn James, in 2013. Well, 18 months after Autumn James (if that isn’t a Nicholas Sparks character name, I don’t know what is) checked out of her womb, JLove and her husband are parents again. The former Jennifer Aniston of basic cable and current stretch mark cream hawker gave birth to a son yesterday. JLove and Brian made it clear that they really love the letter A and really, really love James as a middle name. via People
Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has welcomed her second child with her husband, actor Brian Hallisay.
Son Atticus James Hallisay arrived Wednesday, the actress’ rep confirms to PEOPLE.
Atticus James sounds like a line of antique bronze monocles sold exclusively at Preserve.us. It also sounds like the name of a craft beer sommelier at Brooklyn’s most popular animal-to-table (farm-to-table is so out) restaurant.
I don’t mind the name Atticus. It could be a lot, lot worse. But if JLove named her kid after a book she loved, I’m surprised she didn’t name him TheRules James Hallisay since I’m sure she read that mess a million times during her OHMYGAWDINEEDAMAN phase.
Pic: Palmer’s Cocoa Butter
13 months after the birth of her first baby and 13 months after becoming married to someone, People says Jennifer Love Hewitt is knocked up with her second baby. Damn, bitch is motivated! In a little over a year, she’s managed to rent her womb out twice and get hitched. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here still trying to decide what to have for lunch yesterday.
A rep for Jennifer (Max Conners, I wish) says Jennifer and her husband Brian Hallisay are “thrilled” to be expecting a second baby. That’s it, just thrilled. Frankly, I’m shocked; Jennifer Love Hewitt always struck me as an “over the moon” type. She also totally strikes me as the type to post a picture of her Clearblue pregnancy piss stick to Instagram or vajazzle the words “WE’RE EXPECTING!” over her c-section scar, but that didn’t happen either. Jennifer Love Hewitt, are you ok?
Jennifer and her husband gave their 13-month-old daughter a name soaking in 70s glamour – Autumn James – so I’m really hoping that 9 months from now, they give us glamour pt. 2 by naming their baby something like Tuesday St. Cloud or Julie Stevens or Vicki LaCroix. And if it’s a boy, it should be just a whole mess of abbreviations, like T.J. Hallisay or B.J. Hallisay or R.J.J.R. Hallisay. Then again, having two kids named after seasons is cool too. Autumn and Summer? That actually sounds like a long-lost track from Let’s Go Bang. It’s perfect!
Jennifer Love Hewitt has a 4-month-old baby, a husband and a vajazzle addiction to feed, so she’s back out on the ho stroll to make that money. Kaley Cuoco’s desperate mess idol came out for the L.A. launch party for the line of maternity clothes she designed (read: put her name on and collected a check) for A Pea in a Pod. Because JLove never talks about her weight and body, she talked about her weight and body with E! News and says that she did the line for A Pea in a Pod to empower women. Oh, JLove, you have a crazy way of saying “to empower my checking account.”
On trying to lose the chunk after birthing a human: “It’s hard, it’s really hard. And I wasn’t sure where I was going to fall and what was going to happen and how I was going to feel. It just feels great to sort of be honest about the fact that it is tough and these clothes make it a little easier, make me feel beautiful. I’m still in a lot of my pregnancy clothes and there is just where I feel good right now. Everything hasn’t returned back to where I want it to be and put on my other clothes and feel good about that.”
On people talking shit about people’s clothes is the reason why she put her name on a line of clothes for the knocked up set: “We’re sort of in this odd time in our society right now where women are not being nice to each other. We’ve got a lot of reality stuff where people being mean to each other and, fashion-wise, people are talking bad about each other. I thought, ‘What a beautiful place to put my energy?’ Make a line for women, by a woman, who actually wants them to feel great and feel beautiful and look fantastic and look better than everyone walking around, especially at a time when you cannot feel very good about yourself.”
I’m not going to talk shit about JLove’s clothes, but I am going to talk shit about THAT UGLY ASS GUINEA PIG HAIR. After years of whispering to ghosts, couldn’t one of those ghosts returned the favor by whispering the word “NO” into her ear when she turned around and saw herself in the salon mirror for the first time after going blonde? I know some hos think that going blonde is going to make them look like a bombshell, but sometimes it can make you look like a third-tier 80s rocker whose body was just pulled out of a bathtub after lying there for days. But in JLove’s defense, she just had a baby. That barf color is the perfect color of hair to have when you’re taking care of a new baby. Because when your baby barfs on your hair, all you have to do is just rub it in and keep your day moving.
So that is why I heard the faint sound of what I thought was Jennifer Aniston wailing out the words, “That bitch beat me to iiiiiiiiiiit,” from the West side.
The entire Vajazzle industry has collapsed into a heap of cracked rhinestones and crushed dreams, because Former Forever Aloner and professional fiancee Jennifer Love Hewitt has actually married an actual breathing, living man AND she also pushed out a baby friend today. As the makers of engagement rings silently weeped over losing their #1 customer for a while, JLove’s rep pooted out this statement to UsWeekly about her new daughter:
“Jennifer Love Hewitt and her husband Brian Hallisay are thrilled to announce the birth of their daughter. Autumn James Hallisay was born on November 26.”
Some source said that JLove and Brian got married on the down low recently. I’m actually surprised we found out about JLove getting married from her publicist, I mean, “a source.” I’m surprised that as soon as JLove and Brian signed that marriage certificate, a swarm of bedazzled locusts didn’t cover the planet and end our misery. As a bedazzled locust poked my eyes out, I’d think to myself, “Oh, I guess this means Jennifer Love Hewitt finally got married. CONGRATS!” That’s how I thought I would find out.
Brian and JLove met on that hand job show The Client List and the story goes that the show was canceled because the producers wanted to write his character off and she wanted to write her pregnancy into the show and make his part bigger. So now they’re married, have a new baby and can spend their days staring at each other’s faces since they’re both job-less for now.
And as for the name Autumn James, it sounds like a cross between the name of a 90s soft-core porn star and the sassy best friend character in a Danielle Steel book. I approve!
In case you forgot that Jennifer Love Hewitt will be bedazzling a newly born human in a few months, here she is nearly poking a baby’s eye out with her bump and causing another baby to reach for her lechelicious chichis at a Pampers event at Grand Central in NYC yesterday. I can’t hate on JLove’s desperate ass for showing up to a Pampers event, because diapers cost more than coke and I’m assuming they gave her a few boxes. But I can hate on JLove for those bangs and that makeup. It makes her look like Shelley Duvall at the end of The Shining when she’s screamed the life out of her face and she really just wants to stop screaming and take a damn nap.
And thanks to those bangs, we now know what it would look like if Joey Ramone got knocked up.
I don’t know if that Brian Hallisay dude is making a pained face, because Jennifer Love Hewitt’s vajazzle stones are so sharp that they’ve cut through her jeans and are stabbing him in the stomach or because he knows he’s in the middle of making a baby with her. Or a little of both.
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s rep tells UsWeekly that a baby is growing in her uterus and she made it with her Client List co-star (and rumored fiancé) Brian Hallisay. UsWeekly’s source says that JLove is about three months along. These pictures of JLove and Brian shooting scenes for The Client List were taken in March, so let’s just assume that we’re watching them conceive. This is exactly how I would expect her mating ritual to look. She just throws her vagina at her boyfriend of the moment and hopes that one of his sperm fishes sticks to her ovary eggs. It worked!
JLove and Brian Hallisay started dating 15 months ago. Before Brian, JLove was engaged to Ross McCall and Jamie Kennedy (HA!).
Well, congrats to JLove for finally getting what she wanted and congrats to us all, because for the next 6 months, she’s going to go on and on about her pregnancy farts and about how she plans to bedazzle her placenta. I really can’t wait. I also can’t wait for her chichis and ass to get so huge that they cover the sun, sending us into darkness for the rest of the year. Show Kim Kardashian up, JLove!