I promise I won’t fill this post with stupid and nonsensical “shook” puns like I did with the last one.
Prepare to be SHOOKus (I lied). When the news of Ben Affleck and his new girlfriend, SNL producer Lindsay Shookus, came out earlier today, X17 said that the two have a history and he was even humping on her while he was dating Jennifer Garner. Multiple sources are now telling both People and UsWeekly that Ben and Lindsay have been boning on the side for years while he was married to Jennifer and she was married to fellow SNL producer Kevin Miller. Somewhere, The Nanny is filling with sadness and is not feeling so special, because she probably thought she was Ben’s lone side trick.
Earlier, Allison did a write-up on People’s cover story about how Jennifer Garner is moving on from Ben Affleck and that he’s the love of her life but she’s happy to be single, blah blah blah. The quotes were all from “insiders” and the article seemed pretty harmless. If I had to rate the offensiveness of People’s article from 13 Going On 30 (not offensive) to Nine Lives (beyond offensive), I’d say it sits firmly on 13 Going On 30. And yes, Nine Lives is Jennifer Garner’s most offensive movie. The cat tries to fuck her! That pussy wants to get some pussy action from her. Jennifer Garner shouldn’t be able to call out People on Facebook, because she should be in jail for engaging in soft-core bestiality porn! But I digress…
That’s great, because I think the rest of us were ready to move on from this drawn-out divorce drama about eight to nine months ago. But first! One more magazine cover about how she’s ready to move on. Jennifer Garner is the star of this week’s issue of People. She may look like she’s trying to sell wrinkle cream or wondering what’s in your wallet, but we’ll never find out what she’s really thinking. She doesn’t technically say anything to People. “Insiders” do the talking about her post-marriage life.
Last week, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck began the journey to legally cremate their marriage and spread its ashes at one of their favorite places: the pap stroll in front of the Brentwood Country Mart. They had been separated for an eternity (two years) and many of us thought that the chances of Nine Lives being inducted into the National Film Registry were greater than Jennifer and Ben divorcing each other. But they both filed papers and now People is popping up to say why they waited. A source tells them that Jennifer waited to file until Ben finished up rehab treatment for booze addiction. Ben apparently thought that if he cleaned up and got his shit together in rehab, he may have been able to save his marriage. We all know how that worked out.
Most of us probably assumed that right after Jennifer Garner officially filed for divorce, Ben Affleck grabbed his vape pen and sped down to Coachella in his mid-life crisismobile to look for his next wife. According to TMZ, Ben was already dating again after being in estranged husband limbo for so long. But E! News would like to add some info to that.
Yesterday, TMZ said that Ben is casually seeing someone new, adding that it’s not serious. A short while later, E! News let everyone know that a source tells them that’s not really the case.
“Ben is not dating anyone seriously,” our inside explained. “He and Jen are working on their relationship and have not ruled out dating in the future.”
TMZ says Ben is casually dating, whereas E! says Ben isn’t dating seriously. Okay. I think that’s an obtuse way of saying he’s just fucking fuck buddies for now.
Here’s Ben and Jen looking like The Heart Family while leaving church on Easter Sunday. Well, The Heart Family if the dad was the type who retreats to the garage after dinner to blast Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down from his car stereo.
After what has seemed like eons of “just fucking get divorced already,” Jennifer Garner finally filed the official documents to end her marriage to our saddest Batman – Ben Affleck. This means that Ben is going to have to move out of their Pacific Palisades property’s guest house, where he’s been living for the past two years. That also means he’s going to have to finally let the housekeeping staff into the guest house to pick up all the empties, nanny panties, and, of course, that autographed photo (you know he has one) of Tom Brady with the mysterious stains on it. He better leave them a tip!