It’s been over three weeks since Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux and not one picture of her wedding outfit has been released or “accidentally leaked.” Now we know why. Jennifer Aniston’s dress wasn’t an $80,000 custom couture gown and her veil had a J.Crew label on it. She’s obviously embarrassed! “Is bitch going poor? I should slip her a few hundreds during the money dance” is what guests said as she walked down the aisle in an off-the-rack wedding dress. It’s a good thing Goopy Paltrow wasn’t there. She would’ve fainted in her chair and her handmaiden doesn’t usually travel with a Baccarat crystal bottle full of artisanal smelling salts.
An Aniston “insider” tells UsWeekly that Jennifer bought her dress at a store and it didn’t cost the price of a new car.
The Friends alum, 46, who’s graced the most glorious red carpets wearing luxurious styles by Versace, John Galliano, and Saint Laurent, topped her knee-length frock with a veil from the popular chain store (whose veils typically sell for about $200).
Plus, the little white dress in question wasn’t super high-end, either. “Jen bought her dress at a store,” an Aniston insider shared. “It wasn’t thousands of dollars.”
Again, she bought her dress at a store. Who buys their wedding dress at a store?! Only poors, obviously. I can just picture the sad, sad scene. Jennifer walked into the store with dirt all over her face, picked out a dress and tried to pay for it using wooden coins, knocked-out silver fillings and a watch she swiped from a dude sleeping next to her on the bus. Will somebody please tell Jennifer’s agent to get her more endorsements, because she obviously doesn’t have enough of those if she’s buying a dress from a store. A store!
Here’s Jennifer shooting one of Gary Marshall’s “Day” movies in Atlanta. He’s done Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve Day and now he’s doing Mother’s Day. Will he stop fooling around and give the people what they really want, which are movies about National Dog Day and International Penis Appreciation Day. By the way, these pictures were taken before the important news about Aniston wearing an off-the-rack wedding dress broke. She’s obviously in hiding now and refuses to show her face in public.
I know, that can’t be Jennifer Aniston’s actual wedding band. I’m convinced her actual wedding band has the words “Final Sign Of The Apocalypse” written on it in tiny diamonds. That must be a stunt ring.
Jennifer Aniston, the last single bitch alive to get married, made her BIG PUBLIC DEBUT as a married woman at the L.A. premiere of some movie I’m not going to pay to see but will watch in a few months on Netflix when I’m drunk, stoned and emotional. While Jennifer’s engagement ring is so damn huge that it has to be put on her finger using a low-flying helicopter, half-a-dozen Strongman competition finalists and four cranes, her wedding band is pretty damn boring and looks like something your modest auntie would pick out for herself at Kay Jewelers.
As for the wedding, that’s probably the only thing hos asked her about last night, but Jennifer kept her lips shut about it. She told Entertainment Tonight that she wants to keep it private. The HELL?
“We had the beautiful luxury of having a beautiful private moment and I’m going to be selfish and keep it that way! I’m not telling you about any of that stuff!”
So, Jennifer Aniston gets married and at her first public event, she doesn’t rip open a trench coat, revealing a jumpsuit made of 500 pictures from her wedding and she doesn’t pull out a tablet showing video of the ceremony as dancers wearing replicas of her dress sing her vows while doing a kick line? Something in the milk ain’t clean. But you know, I’m going to use it. The next time one of my Facebook friends gets married and posts a million pictures from her wedding including pictures of her toe nail polish and the ugly food that was served, I’m going to tell her that if Jennifer Aniston can show some restraint, so can she!
A little over 70 guests watched HISTORY BEING MADE when they witnessed the former president of the Forever Alone Club, Jennifer Aniston, marry an actual living and breathing man. On the guest list was Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Chelsea Handler, Uncle Terry, Lake Bell, Howard Stern, Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, Jimmy Kimmel, Orlando, Bloom, Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, Jason Bateman, Tobey Maguire, Whitney Cummings, Will Arnett and nearly every famous ho alive except for Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc. Jennifer Aniston needs to spend a long time in a class titled “Priorities: Learn How To Get Them Together” at the Learning Annex, because there’s something wrong when she invites Uncle Terry’s nasty smegma ass, but not Chandler and Joey, to her wedding.
Just two days after Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux (which caused the makers of the the boyfriend pillow to close shop since there’s no use for their company anymore), we have learned all sorts of thrilling details about the wedding and honeymoon. I know you really care.
UsWeekly says that Courteney Cox was Jennifer’s maid of honor and Lake Bell’s husband was Justin’s best man. During the reception, Sia sang some songs, Lindsay Lohan’s former partner in pussy Samantha Ronson
DJ’d pressed the play button on her iPod touch, everyone ate pasta and Uncle Terry took the pictures. (I can’t wait to see the pictures of him fucking the wedding cake.) TMZ says that Jennifer and Justin kept everything on the shush by using a vacant $10.7 million house next door to hers to hide all the tables, chairs and decorations for the reception. She had a temporary pathway built from the vacant house to her house so workers could transport everything without the paps finding out.
The day after the wedding, Justin, Jennifer and their friends got on a private jet headed for Bora Bora. People says that Jennifer and Justin are also in Bora Bora to celebrate his 44th birthday, so they asked a bunch of friends to come along. Chelsea Handler, Courteney Cox, her man, Jason Bateman and his wife all tagged along for Jennifer and Justin’s honeymoon/birthday party. UsWeekly says that everyone is staying at the Four Seasons. Jennifer is a good sugar mama, because they celebrated Justin’s birthday in Bora Bora last year too.
Basically, all those words I typed above add up to one simple fact: Bitch is RICH as shit. Specifically, she’s as rich as Oprah’s shit since Oprah shits pure gold and diamonds.
At first I thought that a group honeymoon (which I guess is like group sex without the sex) sounded kind of a fun, because looking at the same face every day for a week can get boring. But then I saw grainy pictures of the group. Children came along! That sounds like a nightmare in paradise. Not only does Jennifer have to deal with screaming children, but she also has to deal with seeing Chelsea Handler strut her naked body all over the place since Chelsea doesn’t wear clothes anymore. If I was Jennifer I’d be afraid that there wasn’t enough booze on the island for me to deal with that shit.
And if you want to see a picture of Jennifer and Justin in Bora Bora, People has one. It’s so clear! It looks like a Monet painting of two turnips in hats.
Tabloid editors just dumped all their pre-written “Lonely Jen Cries Into A Bowl Of Ice Cream Soup After Justin Calls Off The Wedding” cover stories into the trash and are yelling at their minions to quickly write stories about how Jen is trying for baby even though her new marriage is on the rocks. Because according to both People and E!, sources (aka either Jennifer’s publicist or her greediest Cabbage Patch doll looking for some easy cash) confirm that Jennifer Aniston made Justin Theroux her second husband yesterday. This probably means that the Summer of Splits has finally come to an end now that Jennifer Fucking Aniston got married.
TMZ reported this morning that some kind of party went down at Jennifer Aniston’s house in Bel Air yesterday and it looked and smelled like a wedding. Well, it turns out it was a wedding. Paps caught a pastor going into her house and workers were spotted with a cake that had a groom puppet and a bride puppet on top of it. The likes of Chelsea Handler, Howard Stern, Sia, Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow and John Krasinski all showed up.
Jennifer and Justin started doing it full-time in 2010. They got engaged around his birthday, which is August 10th, in 2012 and many hos thought that pigs would sprout wings and learn to fly before these two actually got married.
There aren’t many details about the wedding, but I’m sure that in the next couple of weeks, we’ll see all the pictures in every magazine from People to Dogster Magazine to Haute Doll Magazine (her American Girl dolls, who were her bridesmaids probably, will get an exclusive spread in that one), because Jennifer’s publicist doesn’t play around. I’m guessing that Jennifer wore a dress made from her dried ~lonely~ tears and that everyone passed out at the end of the night. Jennifer passed out from doing celebratory tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler’s ass and Justin passed out after his tuxedo jeggings cut off his circulation completely. Congrats!
I don’t know who is buying these celebrity perfumes, let alone Jennifer Aniston’s bottles of stank. (Yes, that’s coming from a bitch who has several bottles of “Phoebe’s Phantasy” in his bathroom cabinet. But Phoebe Price isn’t just a celebrity. She’s a goddess on earth!) But apparently, people are buying the perfumed shit that Jennifer Aniston is selling, because she is following up her other two fragrances, “J’Alone” and “J by Jennifer Aniston,” with a new perfume called “Near Dusk.” I’m really disappointed in Jennifer Aniston for not naming this one “Uncool Water.” Still, though, get that money, Aniston. Justin Theroux’s skinny jeans and black polish hair dye aren’t cheap and her Aveeno, Smart Water and Living Proof money only goes so far.
Jennifer tells People that “Near Dusk” is a nighttime perfume. Jennifer used to spend her nights crying into a bowl of uncooked cake mix while clutching a teddy bear, so I was hoping that “Near Dusk” smells like a mixture of mascara tears, stuffed animal fur, dog drool and a hint of Duncan Hines batter. But no, it doesn’t smell like that, unfortunately.
“I’ve been wanting to do more of a nighttime fragrance, something a little sexier,” the star tells PEOPLE. “The others are a little lighter and more daytimey.” All three are beach-inspired, but Near Dusk takes a more sultry tone with notes of nectarine, sweet pink pepper, coconut water and jasmine. As Aniston puts it: It’s great for “date night.”
Jennifer also tells People that she’ll never do a men’s cologne (uh huh), because she loves it when dudes smell like sweat. Jennifer was married to Brad Pitt, so it’s no surprise that she grew to like the scent of warm armpit foam and nutsack syrup. As for that ad…
Never mind that they Photoshopped her to look like a rubber cat in a wig, I’m trying to figure out what they’re going for. It sort of looks like she’s getting an enema and not sure if she’s into it or not. She also looks like she just woke up on a Mexican beach after a day of drunken skinny dipping with Chelsea Handler. After waking up, she notices an almost-empty tequila bottle they left on the beach. Jennifer is crawling toward it and trying to get the last drop before Chelsea wakes up and goes for it. It has a slight “my preeeeeeeeeecious” vibe about it, but instead of reaching for the One Ring, she’s crawling toward tequila. Since I put it that way, the ad works!
“Quitter!” just hissed Tan Mom, as she smeared a layer of Crisco onto her skin, stuffed a handful of cornbread stuffing up her ass, and slid herself into a 425-degree oven for the next 6 hours.
America’s unofficial cultural suntanning attaché to Cabo Jennifer Aniston recently admitted to People that her days of laying out in the sun until her skin resembles that of the dust on a Nacho Cheese Dorito are over. And the Candy Finnigans of the world better watch out, because SPF 50’s former arch enemy says she held her own intervention.
“I gave myself a sun-tanning intervention a few years ago, where I was basically saying, ‘Let’s just quit while we’re ahead.’ I was not great as a kid with sunscreen. That’s one of my big regrets.”
I just pictured a tan-desperate Jennifer Aniston driving past a strip mall tanning salon called U-FRY 4 LESS, walking in, slapping a crumpled $20 bill on the counter, opening the lid of a filthy tanning bed and finding a pair of tanning goggles floating in a greasy puddle of accelerator, and thinking “Well, this is it – this is my rock bottom.”
Jennifer Aniston also wants you to know that she’s pumped the breaks on makeup too, which is something her fiance Justin Theroux is into:
“I’m less attached to [makeup] now. And Justin loves me without.”
Speaking of personal interventions, it sounds like Justin has a pretty heavy addiction to jewelery:
“He’s got a lot of hardware. He wears a chain. He has a gold chunky ring. When we get married he will be wearing his ring. It just won’t say Justin anymore,” she says of the ring he currently wears, adding that perhaps instead it will say Jen “on the inside.”
All that jewelery may seem harmless, even fun, right now, but it’s a slippery slope. Just ask Johnny Depp! If Jenny doesn’t act fast and get him some help, it’s only a matter of time before Justin is knuckles-deep in skull rings and gold teeth.
About a year ago, there was talk that a semi spin-off of Mean Girls called Mean Moms was happening and that Jennifer Aniston might possibly have something to do with it. I kept crossing my fingers that whoever created that rumor had accidentally misspelled Amy Poehler’s name wrong and that my dream of one day watching an entire movie devoted to Regina George’s mom was about to come true. But according to Deadline, Mean Moms is happening and it’s happening with Jennifer Aniston. Cue the countdown to UsWeekly’s “SHE’S FINALLY GOING TO BE A MOM!” cover.
Deadline says Mean Moms is based on a book written by the same woman who wrote the book Mean Girls is based on, and it will be directed by the same dude who did Horrible Bosses 2. If you’re wondering whether or not there will be a scene involving a Burn Book or slut dancing to Jingle Bell Rock, there might be. According to the plot summary on IMDB, it’s basically the same story as Mean Girls: “A happily married mother of two moves from small town America to the high class suburbs and is faced with confronting the cut throat world of competitive parenting.” I’m not sure how I feel about this news, so I’ll just shrug and eat a Toaster Strudel.
No word on whether Jenny will play the happily married mother or one of the mean moms, but I kind of hope it’s one of the mean moms. I’ve always loved that alternate-reality episode of Friends where Rachel Green marries Barry and becomes a snobby suburban bitch.
As expected by anyone who has ever gotten a good-time buzz going by drinking a couple soda cans full of white wine on their way to a formal event, everybody’s two favorite fun aunts were out in full sassy force last night, and they brought the party, because that’s what Jennifer “Pour Me Another” Aniston and Reese “Laura Jeanne If You’re Nasty” Witherspoon do, and I love it. I don’t know how drunk either of those two were when they arrived to the Oscars (do not tell me 0%, because I’ll refuse to believe it), but it was clearly at a messy enough level for Aunt Laura Jeanne to sneak up behind Aunt Jenny on the red carpet and grab her ass while she was talking to Ryan Seacrest. Way to turn the tables on ol’ ass-grabbin’ Aunt Jenny!
Later on, both of them brought the sassy aunt realness in their own sassy aunt way. Reese pulled a bunch of faces and stuck her tongue out backstage after she presented the award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling, and Jennifer photobombed Jennifer Lopez. Then I like to think they met backstage after Neil Patrick Harris introduced Jennifer and David Oyelowo by cracking a joke about them being getting snubbed so Laura Jeanne could give her a hug and say “Fuck it girl, you know you’re my sunshine.”
You know, in a perfect world, the Oscars would ditch the boring hour-long red carpet and replace it with a live stream of Aunt Jenny and Aunt Laura Jeanne’s ride to the ceremony. That’s the pre-show I legit would love to see: Aunt Jenny and Aunt Laura Jeanne chugging from a bottle of Boone’s Farm and laugh-singing along to “Uptown Funk” as they attempt to drunkenly spray Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs on each other.
Here’s more of Fun Aunt Laura Jeanne mentally counting down the minutes till she can get her dance on, as well as Fun Aunt Jenny hugging everyone she can throw her arms around last night, which included Emma Stone, her hot piece Justin Theroux, and Matt Lauer:
Buuuuuut only so she can approach the microphone and call out the name of someone who was nominated for an award. “Gee, thanks. Do you also need someone to clean up after the ceremony as well?” thought Jennifer Aniston, as she chugged down her third glass of Fuck-It-All Farms™ pinot greege.
People says that after being snubbed by the academy for her riveting turn as a sad lady with bad hair in Cake, Jennifer Aniston will be a presenter at the Academy Awards on February 22nd. Also joining her in the Snubbed Presenter Club is David Oyelowo, who the academy forgot to give a nomination for his portrayal of Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma. Other non-nominated presenters include Sienna Miller, Chris Pratt, Kerry Washington, and John Travolta, who I secretly hope gets trolled by the academy by presenting the award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling.
God, is that academy run by Regina George or what? First they’re all like “I don’t know Jenny…I only have one invitation to my super-exclusive birthday party left, and I was thinking of giving it to Angelina Jolie, so it looks like you’re going to have to prove to me how much you want it.” Then after Jenny pimps out Cake on every damn TV show from here to the all-penguin cable access channel in Antarctica, they’re like “Yeah, so I forgot I had to invite Meryl Streep. Sorreeeee.” Then they corner Jenny at her locker a month later and are like “I’ve got some good news, gurl – you can totally come to my party! There was a screw-up with the caterers and we need someone to work the shrimp cocktail station. You’re not allergic to shellfish, right? Swing by my house around 4pm and my mom will give you an apron and a hairnet.”
And I really hope she gets back at those shady bitches in the academy by announcing everyone in her category as “these fuckers“.