I don’t know who is buying these celebrity perfumes, let alone Jennifer Aniston’s bottles of stank. (Yes, that’s coming from a bitch who has several bottles of “Phoebe’s Phantasy” in his bathroom cabinet. But Phoebe Price isn’t just a celebrity. She’s a goddess on earth!) But apparently, people are buying the perfumed shit that Jennifer Aniston is selling, because she is following up her other two fragrances, “J’Alone” and “J by Jennifer Aniston,” with a new perfume called “Near Dusk.” I’m really disappointed in Jennifer Aniston for not naming this one “Uncool Water.” Still, though, get that money, Aniston. Justin Theroux’s skinny jeans and black polish hair dye aren’t cheap and her Aveeno, Smart Water and Living Proof money only goes so far.
Jennifer tells People that “Near Dusk” is a nighttime perfume. Jennifer used to spend her nights crying into a bowl of uncooked cake mix while clutching a teddy bear, so I was hoping that “Near Dusk” smells like a mixture of mascara tears, stuffed animal fur, dog drool and a hint of Duncan Hines batter. But no, it doesn’t smell like that, unfortunately.
“I’ve been wanting to do more of a nighttime fragrance, something a little sexier,” the star tells PEOPLE. “The others are a little lighter and more daytimey.” All three are beach-inspired, but Near Dusk takes a more sultry tone with notes of nectarine, sweet pink pepper, coconut water and jasmine. As Aniston puts it: It’s great for “date night.”
Jennifer also tells People that she’ll never do a men’s cologne (uh huh), because she loves it when dudes smell like sweat. Jennifer was married to Brad Pitt, so it’s no surprise that she grew to like the scent of warm armpit foam and nutsack syrup. As for that ad…
Never mind that they Photoshopped her to look like a rubber cat in a wig, I’m trying to figure out what they’re going for. It sort of looks like she’s getting an enema and not sure if she’s into it or not. She also looks like she just woke up on a Mexican beach after a day of drunken skinny dipping with Chelsea Handler. After waking up, she notices an almost-empty tequila bottle they left on the beach. Jennifer is crawling toward it and trying to get the last drop before Chelsea wakes up and goes for it. It has a slight “my preeeeeeeeeecious” vibe about it, but instead of reaching for the One Ring, she’s crawling toward tequila. Since I put it that way, the ad works!
“Quitter!” just hissed Tan Mom, as she smeared a layer of Crisco onto her skin, stuffed a handful of cornbread stuffing up her ass, and slid herself into a 425-degree oven for the next 6 hours.
America’s unofficial cultural suntanning attaché to Cabo Jennifer Aniston recently admitted to People that her days of laying out in the sun until her skin resembles that of the dust on a Nacho Cheese Dorito are over. And the Candy Finnigans of the world better watch out, because SPF 50’s former arch enemy says she held her own intervention.
“I gave myself a sun-tanning intervention a few years ago, where I was basically saying, ‘Let’s just quit while we’re ahead.’ I was not great as a kid with sunscreen. That’s one of my big regrets.”
I just pictured a tan-desperate Jennifer Aniston driving past a strip mall tanning salon called U-FRY 4 LESS, walking in, slapping a crumpled $20 bill on the counter, opening the lid of a filthy tanning bed and finding a pair of tanning goggles floating in a greasy puddle of accelerator, and thinking “Well, this is it – this is my rock bottom.”
Jennifer Aniston also wants you to know that she’s pumped the breaks on makeup too, which is something her fiance Justin Theroux is into:
“I’m less attached to [makeup] now. And Justin loves me without.”
Speaking of personal interventions, it sounds like Justin has a pretty heavy addiction to jewelery:
“He’s got a lot of hardware. He wears a chain. He has a gold chunky ring. When we get married he will be wearing his ring. It just won’t say Justin anymore,” she says of the ring he currently wears, adding that perhaps instead it will say Jen “on the inside.”
All that jewelery may seem harmless, even fun, right now, but it’s a slippery slope. Just ask Johnny Depp! If Jenny doesn’t act fast and get him some help, it’s only a matter of time before Justin is knuckles-deep in skull rings and gold teeth.
About a year ago, there was talk that a semi spin-off of Mean Girls called Mean Moms was happening and that Jennifer Aniston might possibly have something to do with it. I kept crossing my fingers that whoever created that rumor had accidentally misspelled Amy Poehler’s name wrong and that my dream of one day watching an entire movie devoted to Regina George’s mom was about to come true. But according to Deadline, Mean Moms is happening and it’s happening with Jennifer Aniston. Cue the countdown to UsWeekly’s “SHE’S FINALLY GOING TO BE A MOM!” cover.
Deadline says Mean Moms is based on a book written by the same woman who wrote the book Mean Girls is based on, and it will be directed by the same dude who did Horrible Bosses 2. If you’re wondering whether or not there will be a scene involving a Burn Book or slut dancing to Jingle Bell Rock, there might be. According to the plot summary on IMDB, it’s basically the same story as Mean Girls: “A happily married mother of two moves from small town America to the high class suburbs and is faced with confronting the cut throat world of competitive parenting.” I’m not sure how I feel about this news, so I’ll just shrug and eat a Toaster Strudel.
No word on whether Jenny will play the happily married mother or one of the mean moms, but I kind of hope it’s one of the mean moms. I’ve always loved that alternate-reality episode of Friends where Rachel Green marries Barry and becomes a snobby suburban bitch.
As expected by anyone who has ever gotten a good-time buzz going by drinking a couple soda cans full of white wine on their way to a formal event, everybody’s two favorite fun aunts were out in full sassy force last night, and they brought the party, because that’s what Jennifer “Pour Me Another” Aniston and Reese “Laura Jeanne If You’re Nasty” Witherspoon do, and I love it. I don’t know how drunk either of those two were when they arrived to the Oscars (do not tell me 0%, because I’ll refuse to believe it), but it was clearly at a messy enough level for Aunt Laura Jeanne to sneak up behind Aunt Jenny on the red carpet and grab her ass while she was talking to Ryan Seacrest. Way to turn the tables on ol’ ass-grabbin’ Aunt Jenny!
Later on, both of them brought the sassy aunt realness in their own sassy aunt way. Reese pulled a bunch of faces and stuck her tongue out backstage after she presented the award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling, and Jennifer photobombed Jennifer Lopez. Then I like to think they met backstage after Neil Patrick Harris introduced Jennifer and David Oyelowo by cracking a joke about them being getting snubbed so Laura Jeanne could give her a hug and say “Fuck it girl, you know you’re my sunshine.”
You know, in a perfect world, the Oscars would ditch the boring hour-long red carpet and replace it with a live stream of Aunt Jenny and Aunt Laura Jeanne’s ride to the ceremony. That’s the pre-show I legit would love to see: Aunt Jenny and Aunt Laura Jeanne chugging from a bottle of Boone’s Farm and laugh-singing along to “Uptown Funk” as they attempt to drunkenly spray Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs on each other.
Here’s more of Fun Aunt Laura Jeanne mentally counting down the minutes till she can get her dance on, as well as Fun Aunt Jenny hugging everyone she can throw her arms around last night, which included Emma Stone, her hot piece Justin Theroux, and Matt Lauer:
Buuuuuut only so she can approach the microphone and call out the name of someone who was nominated for an award. “Gee, thanks. Do you also need someone to clean up after the ceremony as well?” thought Jennifer Aniston, as she chugged down her third glass of Fuck-It-All Farms™ pinot greege.
People says that after being snubbed by the academy for her riveting turn as a sad lady with bad hair in Cake, Jennifer Aniston will be a presenter at the Academy Awards on February 22nd. Also joining her in the Snubbed Presenter Club is David Oyelowo, who the academy forgot to give a nomination for his portrayal of Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma. Other non-nominated presenters include Sienna Miller, Chris Pratt, Kerry Washington, and John Travolta, who I secretly hope gets trolled by the academy by presenting the award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling.
God, is that academy run by Regina George or what? First they’re all like “I don’t know Jenny…I only have one invitation to my super-exclusive birthday party left, and I was thinking of giving it to Angelina Jolie, so it looks like you’re going to have to prove to me how much you want it.” Then after Jenny pimps out Cake on every damn TV show from here to the all-penguin cable access channel in Antarctica, they’re like “Yeah, so I forgot I had to invite Meryl Streep. Sorreeeee.” Then they corner Jenny at her locker a month later and are like “I’ve got some good news, gurl – you can totally come to my party! There was a screw-up with the caterers and we need someone to work the shrimp cocktail station. You’re not allergic to shellfish, right? Swing by my house around 4pm and my mom will give you an apron and a hairnet.”
And I really hope she gets back at those shady bitches in the academy by announcing everyone in her category as “these fuckers“.
The Mani Cam Is Dead: The Likes Of Jennifer Aniston And Julianne Moore Refuse To Take Part In That Stupid Shit
At the 2014 Golden Globes, Elisabeth Moss flipped off E!’s stupid-as-fuck mani cam, because someone had to do it, and I guess E! didn’t take that as a hint. They brought back the mani cam at this year’s Golden Globes and at last night’s SAG Awards. But the anti-mani cam revolution has officially begun, because several tricks shut that mess down last night.
For some reason, Ghouliana Rancic wasn’t available to verbally lick up the ass juices of famous people at the SAG Awards for E! last night, so Maria Menounos had to do it. Maria Menonous was probably the only one there who was grateful for the mani cam’s existence, because it gave her something to talk about. While Giuliana makes me cringe by sucking on the assholes of celebrities, Maria made me cringe by being ten layers of awkward. There weird long pauses, a lot of “uhs” and stupid questions. Maria was like me on almost every first date I’ve had. The mani cam bullshit only added an extra layer of awkward. Asking a future Oscar winner like Julianne Moore to show off her nail polish and borrowed jewelry in a shoe box diorama is like asking my One Direction-obsessed little cousin what her favorite Taylor Swift song is. You will get a side-eye that says, “Dumb bitch, you know better than to ask me that,” followed by a wave of the hand.
No, Jennifer Aniston is not shoving pie filling from a jar into her mouth hole to keep herself from bawling while listening to “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” over and over again after Oscar became the latest asshole to screw with her emotions. As The Hollywood Reporter says, Jennifer Aniston is doing fine! She’s rich, she’s got Justin Theroux and she’s not wearing pants. She’s fine and you shouldn’t believe all the future tabloid covers that will read: “Poor, Miserable Jen In A Tailspin Of Emotions After Getting Rejected Again!”
Seen above looking like she’s taking a really happy shit, Jennifer Aniston did a really, really, long, long interview with The Hollywood Reporter where she talked about having Dyslexia, talking to Brad Pitt and having kids. You know, the usual.
Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie were in the same room last night (TMZ has riveting picture proof of it) and surprisingly they didn’t Vaseline up their faces, take off their jewelry, pull their hair back and scratch at each other while Maddox and Justin Theroux shouted, “Whoop that trick!” They didn’t run into each other and nothing happened, but hos (this ho included) made a big deal about it and Jennifer Aniston thinks we all need to move on. Jennifer told Entertainment Tonight that after 10 years, 10 million tabloid covers and 35 million blog posts (half of which probably came from this blog), it’s time for us to let go of the “Aniston vs. Brangelina” saga for once and for all. What Angelina did was very uncool, but Jennifer is long over it and wants everyone to join her.
“I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do. I mean, [Unbroken] is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness. It’s just tiresome and old. It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes.”
So if this shit is over, what are we supposed to talk about then? What are we supposed to fight about? Are we supposed to talk about the weather? Are we supposed to talk about our own boring lives? Doesn’t Jennifer Aniston know that if the feud that the media won’t let die truly dies, tabloids will crumble, people will lose their jobs and we’ll all aimlessly wander around in this new, confused world?
I see what Jennifer is really doing here. She’s trying to drop St. Angie’s guard. After those two go out for a cordial lunch, they’ll go shopping for those new shiny shoes and as St. Angie goes to try them on, Jennifer will grab that home wrecking hussy harlot whore’s hair and drag her across the floor while screaming, “Gotcha, bitch!” Yeah, that’s what’s going on and I can wait to read all about it in InTouch Weekly’s cover story titled: “Jennifer To Angelina: ‘You’re petty and tiresome!’“
The Critics’ Choice Awards were tonight and you’d think St. Angie Jolie would be busy sneaking into the houses of Oscar voters to suck out their souls and steal their children’s dreams for not throwing her a Best Director nomination, but she didn’t do that shit. She’ll save it for tomorrow night. Instead, she told Brad Pitt to stay his ass home with his bong and she threw on some shit she borrowed from the Dynasty wing of the Smithsonian (there’s a Dynasty wing at the Smithsonian, right?) and gave us some Alexis Carrington. I know, if you were next to me, you’d put on all of your rings and slap me back and forth for comparing anyone to the incomparable Alexis Carrington.
Since St. Angie Jolie did herself up like Alexis Carrington, I was hoping that Jennifer Aniston would serve up some Krystle Carrington and halfway through the show a fountain would be rolled out into the middle of the stage and the two would cat fight in it. Jennifer Aniston didn’t go Krystle Carrington, but she did wear an actual color and wore necklaces that made it look like she bedazzled her tits. Never mind that Jennifer Aniston is so damn orange that she has the complexion of a baked Dorito, I’m into this look. It’s very Prince if Prince was a Mary Kay saleswoman.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Woe is Jennifer Aniston. This week is turning out to be almost as shitty as the week where she lost the 2nd generation Quackers the Duck Beanie Baby on eBay. Jennifer got shut down by that mean asshole Oscar and the wife of her dead first love came for her in the media. What’s next? She’s going to get Chickenpox? Actually, that is highly possible (no, it’s not) since she has actual chickens living in her backyard.
Jennifer Aniston said in a New York Times interview that her first love, actor Daniel McDonald, died from brain cancer and she believes that he is an angel looking over her and gave her the gift of Justin Theroux. If an angel wanted to give Jennifer Aniston the gift of true, everlasting love, wouldn’t they send her a bottomless bottle of tequila? But I’m digressing. If you haven’t read it already, here’s the quote that Jennifer gave to the Times:
“He was my first love — five years we were together. He would have been the one. But I was 25, and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”