The last ballot I cast was in the election that saw Hottié McStud become Prime Minister of Canada, so I don’t get to vote in this one. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on. I know one of the candidates is a dry Buffalo chicken tender in a suit. I know that the other one is Hillary Clinton. I also know that they’ve got to make a lot of money before the election, so they hold fundraisers. Yesterday, a fancy money-making lunch was held in honor of Hillary at the Los Angeles home of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.
Jennifer Aniston received a lifetime achievement award in Italy this weekend, and not for Dealing with a Lifetime of Pregnancy Rumors from the Italian branch of the International Society of Supermarket Tabloids. It was just a plain old lifetime achievement award from Europe’s largest children’s film festival, the Giffoni Film Festival.
Because it would have been rude of Jennifer to show up, grab her lifetime achievement award and a couple sfogliatelle from the catering table, and hop back on her private jet, she answered some audience questions. If my teen self got to ask Lifetime Achievement Award Recipient Jennifer Aniston a question, it would probably be for an itemized list of every designer Rachel Green wore during all 263 episodes of Friends. The children and teens of Europe are much more mentally deeper than I was at their age, because The Hollywood Reporter says they asked serious questions about gender equality and bullying.
You could probably wallpaper the Great Wall of China two times over with a different tabloid cover claiming that forever lonely moth ball of a sadling Jennifer Aniston has finally gotten knocked up with the fetus she’s been dreaming of her entire life. We’ve been hearing about what’s going on in Jennifer Aniston’s womb for centuries, and if she never has kids, we’ll probably see the words “Jennifer Aniston Knocked Up With Miracle Quads At 100!” on the cover of Closer Weekly in 53 years. Jennifer has said before that the tabloids fart up nothing but lies, and she’s made fun of the pregnancy rumors in ad for SmartWater. But Jennifer is done laughing about all the 5 billion rumors about her uterus, and she has shit all over the tabloids in an essay for the Huffington Post. Oh how I wish I could hear the “Bitch, really?” that a tabloid editor will spit out the next time Jennifer’s PR team calls up asking for a favor….
Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux Wearing Everything Found In A Stereotypical Douche Hipster Starter Kit
The official start of slow summer gossip season started today when for the 9,123,980th time, a tabloid declared that a “miracle baby” has taken out a 9-month lease on Jennifer Aniston’s womb. InTouch Weekly screamed that Aniston is knocked up with Justin Theroux’s baby and they posted pictures of her in a bikini. Her belly looks like my gut when I suck in. But anyway, the Baby News Denial Department of Aniston’s PR Team quickly dropped a non-pregnant fart on that news.
But even though she denied the rumors, Aniston still hit the pap stroll in NYC today with a 16-foot long scarf and a wrinkled trench covering THAT area. She also looks kind of tired, but then again, you’d be tired too if you spent 3 hours of your morning using your body strength to pull your husband’s painted-on jeggings onto his body. If I was Aniston, I’d be using that giant scarf to cover my face, because I wouldn’t want to be seen with a grown dude who’s dressed like a cross between a 16-year-old circa 1992 who got suspended from high school for trying to start an anarchy club and a rejected member of the Village People who started his own music group in Brooklyn called the Borough People.
Proving once again that publicists are some of the hardest workers in Hollywood (second only to the person who made Johnny Depp look somewhat clean in that apology video), People magazine has named Jennifer Aniston as 2016’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman. Yes, Jennifer Aniston, of the soon-to-be released holiday-themed blockbuster Mother’s Day. I believe that’s what’s known in ~the biz~ as expert-level hustling. The Mother’s Day marketing team is really going hard. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Modern Hairpiece Monthly names Julia Roberts’ recycled Ronald McWintour wig 2016’s Best Comeback.
And she’s really selling it on that cover too. Her hand is saying “Who me?“, while her face is saying “Oh come on, you know it was going to be me. That beautiful bitch Thor doesn’t have to start hustling his next movie till 2017.” She’s also wearing florals, because of course she is. If Jenny had her way, she’d be in something black from Armani. But they’ve got a movie about moms to sell, so she’s working that casual Ann Taylor LOFT realness. That was probably the compromise. “Fine, I’ll wear the flower shirt. But I draw the line at the dress that has MOTHER’S DAY IN THEATERS APRIL 29 written all over it.”
Jennifer also has stuff to say about being the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. Jenny was “very, very flattered” when she was told that she beat out the other 3.52 billion women for the title. She also wants you to know the Jennifer you see before you is the result of cutting back on milkshakes and gravy-covered fries when she was younger. Well, I guess there goes my shot at the title; milkshakes and poutine are the load-bearing bottom brick of my food pyramid.
Obviously being named the Most Beautiful Woman in the World by People magazine is a high honor, but I still can’t help but think that it’s a popularity contest. Jennifer has won twice. Twice! I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it, but they could at least give some other beauties a chance. Like, I saw a woman in the mall yesterday who contoured eyebrows on top of her eyebrows. She had four eyebrows. If that doesn’t deserve at least an honorable Most Beautiful mention, then I don’t know what does.
In all seriously, I’m really glad to see that the flower wall from Kim and Kanye’s wedding is still getting work.
I wouldn’t have thought that Garry Marshall and the crew from his latest full-of-stars film Mother’s Day would would have enough time to throw a red carpet premiere. I figured that as soon as he croaked “That’s a wrap!” on Mother’s Day, he’d wrangle everyone back up and start working on Memorial Day or Susan B. Anthony Day or whatever his next sort-of-a-holiday holiday-themed movie is. But I guess you just can’t keep the stars (and the star-adjacent, as you’ll see below) from strutting down a red carpet, because they had one last night in Los Angeles.
As you can see, Jennifer Aniston was there with a smile on her face, despite the fact that she apparently didn’t do enough smiling and waving on her way in and got booed. I was really hoping that some of Justin Theroux’s red carpet antics would have rubbed off Jenny and she’d roll up to the premiere of Mother’s Day in a pair of elastic-waist Mom Jeans™ and an appliqué vest. But she didn’t. Instead she asked her limo driver for his jacket and wore it as a dress. Julia Roberts also walked the red carpet, but sadly she didn’t do it in that busted orange Ana Wintour wig she wore in the movie. Kate Hudson wasn’t there because she was too busy untangling herself from J. J. Watt’s wall of abs. No, she wasn’t there because she had another thing to go to.
Here’s more from the premiere of the movie that will make a million moms wish they could have snuck an extra mimosa for two from brunch into the theatre. Once you’re done slogging through all the nobodies at the beginning, you’ll get to the real stars of the night at the end. I’m of course talking about three-time Garry Marshall movie star Wedil David, all-natural beauty Kara Del Toro, and friend of Real Housewives Taylor Armstrong.