Here’s Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin driving into Jennifer Aniston’s ridiculous ass Bel Air estate for a holiday party last night and in that picture it kind of looks like they’re just blindly driving along the road, which is the perfect metaphor for their lives.
So Jennifer Aniston threw a holiday party for her celebwhore friends and I’m sure it was just like your holiday party. But instead of serving food from Boston Market and Trader Joe’s frozen appetizers section on napkins, she served food made by a chef flown in on her private jet from wherever and served that food on brand new Hermes plates, which they later threw into the trash because reusing plates is gross. Instead of keeping bottles of Andre and cans of Cran-Brr-Rita chilled in a plastic trash can full of ice, she had three open bars and a giant wine fountain full of wine from her own damn vineyard. (Side note: The tanks of all of Jen’s toilets were filled with Miraval Rose.) And instead of the party ending after someone’s auntie projectile barfed up spiked egg nog, the party ended when Goopy Paltrow took a bite of chorizo in a blanket and barfed at the mouth in Spanish about her native Spain. FYI: Every country is Goopy’s native country. She’s that international.
Both UsWeekly and The Daily Mail made a big deal about Jennifer Aniston inviting a fellow ex of Brad Pitt’s to her party. It’s not that big of a deal really. Aniston invited Goopy, because she and Chelsea Handler needed a bitch to make fun of. But I’m sure Aniston and Goopy bonded at the cheese table when they both took a bite of warm munster cheese which reminded them of going down on Brad Pitt.
And here’s a few riveting pictures of famous hos like Courteney Cox (with a hot piece) and Will Arnett driving themselves to Aniston’s party. Why oh why didn’t the LAPD give us a beautiful Christmas gift by setting up a DUI checkpoint in front of Aniston’s gates?
Since Jennifer Aniston’s fiancé is a Ducati-riding badass bitch who uses motorcycle grease to slide his legs into a pair of XS wax-coated black jeggings and makes his manicurist put authentic dirt under his fingernails so he looks extra hard, she has to keep up with his butter knife edginess. And she is!
Jennifer’s makeup artist friend Gucci Westman (that sounds like the name of a shelved character from Beverly Hills Teens, or like the name of a white Pomeranian) Instagrammed a picture of their matching cartilage studs yesterday. Jennifer got a 1990s mall piercing after she took a machete to her hair because Keratin ate the life out of her locks. (A cold shiver of fear just crawled up the spine of the reigning Keratin Kween Justin Timberlake. JT should really cover Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen” and change the lyrics to “Keratin Kween.”)
After Jen and Gucci used forged letters from their parents to get their ears pierced, they listened to the Soul Asylum album at a listening station at Tower, tried to get free samples from the Clinique counter, stole a midriff turtleneck top from Contempo Casuals and while they were waiting for their moms to pick them up in the front of the mall, they did each other nails with Street Wear nail polish. But Jennifer’s boyfriend Justin Theroux showed up on his bike before her mom did and he gave her a ride home. Gucci was so fucking jealous.
Wearing a STUNT QUEEN dress with a built-in fetus globe worked for Jennifer Aniston yet again. Jennifer has another “Yup, There’s A Fetus In There!” cover of a tabloid to wallpaper her Beanie Baby nursery with. UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) says that the slight bump on Aniston’s body isn’t a bloat bubble of tequila and air kisses from her Baby Alive dolls. A source says that an actual fetus is growing in there, but she’s not ready to shout it in front of Maddox’s window just yet.
“She is scared of having a miscarriage, given her age, so they are not saying anything until she is six months along. Jen and Justin’s wedding plans are on hold for the time being, the baby is taking priority.”
I know we all have 50,000 words to spit out about Aniston having a case of the BABIES!!! for the 800th time, but let’s just let Holly Madison’s kid Rainbow Aurora say it all for us:
Aniston’s spokeswhore has already stamped the “LIES!!!” label on UsWeekly’s cover. But he should’ve just said that it’s Tabloid Wednesday and Jennifer Aniston is always knocked up on Tabloid Wednesday.
“What do you mean I look knocked up?!” asked a coy Jennifer Aniston while framing her fetus dome zone with her hands and wearing a dress that makes it look like she’s got a bump and a FUPA.
The Toronto International Film Festival ended last night with the premiere of Life of Crime starring Jennifer Aniston, Mos Def, Tim Robbins, John Hawkes and a bunch of other people. Since Jennifer Aniston will never pass up an opportunity to give the tabloids a picture for their next “BITCH IS KNOCKED UP WITH QUINTUPLETS” cover, she wore a wonky dress with a built-in baby bump sling. That dress is obviously a shameless STUNT QUEEN prop and it’s uglier than those diarrhea shoes, but I still like it and only because that sling part is a perfect place to keep a bottle of vodka. Any type of dress that has a vodka bottle hammock on it is my kind of dress.
Moving on from that dress, it looks like she had 2-day-old makeup on and instead of taking it off, she just put on more makeup, and that hair is a wreck. She looks like a drunk bridesmaid who passed out in the bushes after getting it on with one of the waiters in the men’s bathroom. In other words, I love it!
It’s been way too long since Jennifer Aniston has delivered a good old-fashioned staged bikini photo-op in Mexico (sponsored by SmartWater), so she gave us one yesterday. Although, those pictures are so damn blurry that it could be Brad Pitt kissing on Joan Jett for all we know.
To celebrate the fact that We’re The Millers didn’t flop, Jennifer, her piece Justin Theroux, Jason Bateman and his wife Amanda Anka all went down to Los Cabos. Jennifer is killing two birds with this shit. She started the latest pregnancy rumors by bumping it at her premiere a few weeks ago and now she’s killing those rumors by struttin’ around in a two piece. And she’s struttin’ around in a two piece while carrying a bottle of SmartWater. My favorite picture is the one above. Romance IS Jennifer Aniston whispering sweet nothings to Justin Theroux and by “sweet nothings” I mean: “Stop bitching about how my razor-sharp nipples are cutting into your chest and lean in closer. That SmartWater bottle needs to get in the shot, because I need that bonus! Your black skinny jeans aren’t cheap, whore!”
Since I’m extremely interested in everything that Jennifer Aniston wears to every single one of her premieres, here she is throwing awkward, wonk-eyed kissy faces at the camera like a regular Lohan at the German premiere of Wir Sind Die Millers in Berlin yesterday. That kissy face… Bitch, you’re not on Instagram, so quit posing like you’re on Instagram.
Jennifer wore a purple-ish satin dress (complete with a built-in tabloid cover magnet) to the NYC premiere of We’re the Millers, she wore a dress from The Laura Ingalls Collection to the London premiere and last night her ass was back in black. Everything is all right again when blogger types can once again type the sentence, “Jennifer Aniston wore a little black dress to…..” But of course, ho just had to bring attention to her fetus growing area by wearing that huge belt. I don’t even know what that belt thing is. It looks a saddle or like a black leather back brace worn backwards. She’s going to need a back brace to carry dozens of copies of Life & Style (with this picture on the cover next to the words “JEN FINALLY PREGNANT! WORE BABY BUMP PROTECTOR TO PREMIERE!) from her front porch to her scrapbooking room.
And Jennifer should give that hairstyle back to Kristen Stewart and never ever borrow it again.
At the NYC premiere of that movie where Jennifer Aniston plays the most unbelievable stripper in history, she wore a tight, satin dress that made it look like she had a littler of babies up inside there and so naturally everyone started screaming about how she’s knocked up and she started screaming back about how she just ate a few taquitos or something. Ho obviously planned it, because looking like she has a case of the BABIES!!! will get her at least two tabloid covers and denying it will get her at least two more tabloid covers.
Well, at today’s London premiere of We’re The Millers, Jennifer didn’t wear a tight, satin dress that makes it look like she’s growing a baby inside her body. Instead, Jennifer wore a cutesy dress she’d put on her baby if she had a baby. That is a baby dress on her body. It’s always babies with her. She looks like she got drunk at a house party, spilled a pomegranate margarita on her outfit and then stumbled into some random children’s bedroom and put on the first dress she found in the closet. It’s a look, I guess.
She kind of looks like Edith the Lonely Doll all grown up. And now I hate her for making me thinking of creepy Edith again.
The entire atmosphere nearly exploded due to massive amounts of awkward tension on Sunday when Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie ALMOST got on the same exact British Airways flight from LAX to London. The flight attendant who worked First Class on that flight is hating life, because think of all the coins they could’ve made from the blurry cell phone video of St. Angie throwing soul-killing glares at Aniston as Aniston swallows her 12th mini bottle of tequila whole while Googling to see if the hemp tea bags she brought with her are smokeable.
E! News says someone at British Airways told Jennifer Aniston’s people that St. Angie was booked in First Class on the same flight to Heathrow as her. Aniston’s people immediately moved her to a flight on Monday. Yeah, so St. Angie took her man and then took her flight eight years later! Shameless ass hussy whore! E! also says that when Brad and Jennifer were still together, they used to stay at this one fancy hotel in London all the time. Both of them got the hotel in the divorce and Brad still stays there with St. Angie whenever they’re in London as does Jennifer. This time around, both St. Angie and Jennifer chose to stay at a different hotel. So that obviously means they didn’t want to run into each other at the ice machine down the hallway.
Google Images tells me that a First Class seat on British Airways is bigger than a Manhattan studio apartment and more private than most dorm rooms, so I doubt these two would’ve even seen each other. And even if they did, they probably wouldn’t give a shit. But you know, since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are slowly morphing into the same physical body and almost look exactly the same, St. Angie wouldn’t have been able to control her urges and she would’ve pounced on Jennifer. Then the two would’ve scissored in the lavatory. That’s all.
Here’s Jen strolling through LAX on Monday. Those rolled pants and sneakers are killing me not-so-softly.
Who really cares that Craig Ferguson’s peen just exploded off of his body after finding out that his former bandmate and salt and pepper fox Peter Capaldi is the new Doctor, this picture of Jennifer Aniston’s SANS FARDS chin should really be the top trending shit on Twitter (served with an injection of coagulated sarcasm). Jennifer Aniston’s hairstylist dude Chris McMillan Instagrammed a picture of his face next to her paint-free face, because she’s got a shit show movie to sell and she’s already pulled the fake baby bump STUNT QUEEN move for attention this week.
Jennifer Aniston without makeup looks like Jennifer Aniston without makeup and she obviously wants us to know that she hasn’t had all the blood in her face replaced with Botox and doesn’t cover her skin with a thick layer of wax like some other hos in Hollywood do. A SANS FARDS Jennifer Aniston sort of looks like a slightly overcooked baked potato and now her arch rival Maddox will never eat a slightly overcooked baked potato again.
And here’s Jennifer in NYC yesterday.
Here’s Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of another one of her movies that I’ll probably watch in a few years on basic cable when it’s late at night, I’m vulnerable and need something to do while inhaling two bags of Milanos. So whenever Jennifer Aniston’s got a premiere, she puts on some tight satin dress and makes sure her next cover of UsWeekly is bumping all the way out. I see you, Aniston, and I see your first trimester Beyonce™ brand pillow baby. Or maybe that’s a bag of gin and it’s attached to a straw that sticks out of the top of her dress so she can suck on it and get shit-faced while watching her mess of a movie. That’s totally it.
Even though that dress is a STUNT QUEEN prop and she’s only wearing it because she wants everyone to think she’s knocked up with an entire child army that will take down St. Angie’s child army, I sort of like that dress. That line across her chest makes it look like her tits are squinting. No, I’m not stoned. I think.