Bounty of dick Justin Theroux did an interview with the New York Times in which he spoke about splitting from Jennifer Aniston. Justin was obviously taking notes whenever he and Jennifer hung around with GOOP and Coldplay because he describes the implosion of his marriage as a “gentle separation.” That means he had sanity enough not to challenge the pre-nup. Friends money can buy a caliber of lawyer that would have left Justin with nothing but two differently matched hipster boots and tumbleweeds blowing out of his wallet on the chain.
Seen above looking like she’s taking one quirky shit, Jennifer Aniston is on the cover InStyle’s September issue, and inside she talks to her friend/Jimmy Kimmel Live! co-head writer/Jimmy Kimmel’s wife Molly McNearney to promote her movie Dumplin, where she plays a former beauty queen. Molly and Aniston met through Justin Theroux, and have stayed friends even after she split up with the living and breathing pair of black meggings. Aniston and Molly don’t talk about Justin, but they do talk about how the tabloids and bloggers (for why is everybody looking at me?) continue to paint her as a human pile of uncooked cookie dough who squirts out lonely tears from her crying holes as she clutches her Baby Alive doll while staring at the window and waiting for the stork to bring her a real-life baby of her own. Again, Jen is FINE. She’s not heartbroken and wishes bitches would keep their magnifying glasses out of her womb.
Good granny C.J. was sick of seeing my mope into my potato salad one Thanksgiving after I broke up with a “girlfriend” one year, so she gave me the sage advice all southern grannies with a filthy mouth offer up: “You’re never gonna get over her until you get under two beefy daddies.” Or something like that. Apparently, Jennifer Aniston was taught the same lesson, because if you can believe a new report, Jen has moved on from Justin Theroux by dating two dudes. Continue reading
I just assumed the first lady-loving First Couple to head to the White House would be Oprah and Gayle King (“Fuck you,” –Cynthia Nixon), but Netflix is apparently more in line with the idea of Rachel Green and Tig Notaro.
This one comes out of the file marked “random, but I’m listening“. Radar reports that Justin Theroux is letting his fingers do the talking and the lady they’re talking to is Selena Gomez. According to Radar’s source, Justin has been flirtatiously texting Selena and has been crushing on her since before his split with Jennifer Aniston. I guess the message “snitches get stitches” never really took in Hollywood.
Jennifer Aniston either doesn’t love herself or she only loves herself. Those are the only explanations I can think of that would explain why she would squander the last shred of her integrity as an artist by signing on to do one of Adam Sandler’s nutsack gag ridden Netflix movies. It’s probably easy money sure but damn, girl. Him? Variety reports that Adam and Jennifer are teaming up again to bring us a Netflix movie called Murder Mystery.