Chris Stark, who you may or may not know as the star of that awkwardly charming Mila Kunis interview, once again found himself in the middle of an awkward BBC Radio 1 interview with Jennifer Aniston, except this time it wasn’t so much charming as it was deeply cringeworthy. Us Weekly says Chris’s boss Scott Mills spoke to Jennifer Aniston before the interview and convinced her to help him pull a prank on Chris by reacting to every one of his questions with a face full of NO. And she did it, because if Jenny wants that Horrible Bosses 3 paycheck, she needs to first hustle the hell out of Horrible Bosses 2.
I have to give a slow clap to Jennifer Aniston, because whenever I try to prank someone (ie. every day at 4pm when I call my sister at work pretending to be the IRS) my dumb ass always end up breaking character 3 seconds in. But Jenny kept it together the whole time. It’s like she was pretending that every question he asked her was about Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, poor Chris Stark is sitting there all confused like “Bloody ‘ell, why is she so pissed? Not once have I asked her about Angelina!”
And if you watch this video for anything, it should be for Chris Stark stuttering over the words “bloke’s parts” at the 4:05 mark. BLOKE’S PARTS! Thanks for the charming new term for dicks and balls, Chris!
In case you want to see what Jennifer Aniston would look like wearing a shirt made out of your mother’s living room sheers, here’s Jenny arriving to Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday:
I have literally been staring at this picture of Jennifer Aniston with her 45-year-old tits out for about 18 minutes and wondering which I should be more jealous of: that her tits are 1,000x better than mine (“Well, start wearing a bra then, dummy!” – hissed my tits) or that she’s made herself a handy built-in shelf for holding her drinks when her arms get tired. Yeah, you’re right – the second one. I would give anything for a built-in booze holder.
Last night was the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere in Los Angeles, and I know I talked a lot about Jenny’s chichis at the London premiere, but that was NOTHING compared to the bridal boobs bonanza she was serving up last night. Everything about her look is so great, from the “Yeah I just woke up in a casino bathroom” hair to the hand-beaded beauty pageant pearl couture to the Orange Opulence spray tan. She’s beautiful – she’s exactly what I want to look like when I get married; like an upscale mermaid escort.
She also gets points for looking like a slutty cosplay of Kelly and Brenda at the Spring Dance, which is always a classic.
Here’s more of potential future Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston working wedding stripper on top and funeral stripper on the bottom at the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere, as well as all the dudes in that movie (smug SNL dude, Arrested Development dude, Charlie from It’s Always Sunny), and for some reason Bai Ling – you know what? She doesn’t need a reason to be there. Bai Ling should be invited to everything.
Since Jennifer Aniston was brave enough to go both SANS FARDS and SANS HAIR EXTENSIONS for her new movie Cake, many industry types are already whispering that she’ll probably get nominated for an Oscar. Because as you all know, the surest way to get nominated for an Academy Award is to give a performance that has at least one of the 3 Ts: titties, tears, or tired-looking eyes (aka no makeup). So People decided to corner Jenny at NYC screening of Cake last night and ask her what she thinks about everyone talking about the possibility of Jennifer Aniston becoming Academy Award-nominated Jennifer Aniston:
As for the early awards season whispers? Aniston is surprised, saying (with a laugh) she’s “flattered” and that she reacts to the buzz “awkwardly and stutteringly.”
Rachel Green, PLEASE! Jenny knew she was going to get nominated for an Oscar the second they applied that first janky Party City scar! Not to mention that that wig looks like she told her assistant: “No Denise, this hair is still too nice – I’m going for an Oscar nomination, not a Golden Globe. Bring me something that looks like a greasy Yorkie.”
If I was Jennifer Aniston (“You wish, hag” shouted the bottles of Living Proof shampoo in my shower) I’d just start responding to Oscar buzz questions by going “DUH – I better get nominated for an Oscar! Did you see my face? I looked like Madam Mim!” And anyone who does flawless Madam Mim drag should get all the Oscars in my book.
Here’s potential future Oscar-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston at the Cake screening last night looking like Hogwarts’ sexiest substitute teacher, as well as her hot hipster dracula piece Justin Theroux:
The London premiere of Horrible Bosses 2 happened on Wednesday night, and in case it’s not obvious, this isn’t the movie Jennifer Aniston is hoping to get nominated for an OSCAH for. Serious film actress Jennifer Aniston walks the red carpet in a tasteful black dress with her hair pulled back into a contemplative low chignon, whereas Horrible Bosses 2 actress Jennifer Aniston rolls up with her hair down and her right tit out. You know what? I don’t even care that it’s covered in fabric; one titty out is always the look.
Jenny’s titty dress is like a piece of abstract art. That weird cut-out can be interpreted in so many different ways! Is it an upside-down tube of lipstick? A ketchup-dipped french fry? A cartoon dog boner? The severed finger from Miley Cyrus’ VMA foam hand? I think I’m going to go with cartoon dog boner. Or maybe I’m supposed to be focusing on the negative space? Fuck, art is hard.
But as much as I love that Jenny is showing off her right titty, I’m also a little sad for her left titty. Poor left titty, hidden away behind all that fabric. I bet left titty feels left out.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston and her modest orange titty in London last night, as well as her Horrible Bosses 2 co-stars and a bunch of British “Who??”s, because it ain’t a British red carpet without the appearance of someone random chick from TOWIE:
During an interview with Carson Daily on the Today show Wednesday morning, the world’s most famous forever alone Jennifer Aniston was asked by the talking blue-eyed peanut himself about interviewing Gloria Steinem for the MAKERS Conference back in February where she touched on the fact that everybody cares SO MUCH whether or not Jenny’s womb has a fetus in it by saying “Being a woman, your value and worth is associated with marital status or whether or not you’ve procreated.” Rachel from Friends explained that just because a screaming baby hasn’t dropped from her crotch doesn’t mean she’s nothing more than a useless Smartwater-filled sack with a good set of highlights. »
Last night was the finale episode of Chelsea Lately, thus ending Chelsea Handler’s 7 year run as E!’s drunk aunt. And to celebrate being free from no longer having to walk the halls at E! and smell the stink of Lucifer’s ball sweat wafting off the Kardashians (or 7 seasons, whatever) she called up all the famous hos in her life and told them to put on something clean-ish and get their asses down to her studio to sing her ass off the stage. And they all showed up, probably because Chelsea’s dog Chunk commanded them to do so with his adorable face. Look at Chunk Handler! I’d rob a liquor store for that dog if he asked me to! No, you’re right, I wouldn’t; but I’d definitely consider it. »
Jennifer Aniston has said many times before that she tried Botox once, but she’ll never do it again, because she thinks it makes you look older and if she froze her face with that Nicole Kidman nectar how would she squirt out lonely tears of sadness into a bowl of ice cream soup after her man left her? While talking about her line of hair products and other shit with Bobbi Brown for Yahoo! Beauty, Aniston once again spit on Botox and said that Justin Theroux would threaten to murder her if she got plastic surgery on her face. So Jennifer Aniston keeps her face as smooth as a Cabbage Patch Doll’s ass by cleansing it with Smart Water and moisturizing it with Aveeno, obviously.
On how she wants to lose 5 pounds and is a freak of disgusting nature who only eats delicious carbs on the weekends: “I usually give myself bread on the weekends, but really, my body doesn’t love carbs. These days, if I was being super picky, I would love to drop 5 pounds. That is just where I have always been really comfortable at about 110 to 113 pounds. But it is harder at this age.”
On how women (cough cough Courteney Cox) who fill their face full of Botox look a mess: “There is also this pressure in Hollywood to be ageless. I think what I have been witness to, is seeing women trying to stay ageless with what they are doing to themselves. I am grateful to learn from their mistakes, because I am not injecting shit into my face. No honestly, I see them and my heart breaks. I think, ‘Oh god if you only know how much older you look.’ They are trying to stop the clock and all you can see is an insecure person who won’t let themselves just age. I also have a fiancé; who will put a gun to my head if I touch my face in any way.”
On how she uses lights and shit on her face and wishes she could tell her friends (cough cough hack cough Courteney Cox cough cough) in her life to stop Wildensteining themselves: “There are also so many things that women can do today with technology in terms of LED light therapy, good lasers that tighten the muscles, and massages for your face—and don’t forget great creams. I think that’s the route to go. I also understand that age is kind of awesome. I am fortunate enough to know women like Gloria Steinem, who I think is one of the most stunning women on the planet, and doesn’t touch her face. Diane Keaton, Annette Bening, all of these fabulous fearless women who are flawless, they embrace it! You know, to each their own; I don’t judge it if you do it, but sometimes I wish I could beg the people I know, who I am very near and dear to, to not touch their face.”
Um, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I’m pretty sure that a bullet to the face would screw up Aniston’s face more than a Botox injection would.
Aniston’s crazy, though. Like Justin Theroux is really going to hold a gun to the sole reason why he lives in a multi-million dollar Bel Air mansion with a coop full of chickens that poot out eggs. Real eggs! But I wonder if Justin would be mad if Aniston had plastic surgery before she got with his ass. Because if so, it’s going to be really awkward when he finds out that her nose didn’t get thinner from her hot, miserable tears burning off her nose skin after Brad Pitt left her for that hussy whore skank slut.
Here’s Aniston at some clinic the other day. No, it wasn’t a plastic surgery clinic, Justin, so you can put down the gun and go back to dying your hair with black shoe polish.
Details Magazine threw a party for their current cover ho Justin Theroux at the Tower Bar in L.A.’s Sunset Tower Hotel on Tuesday night and WWD got Jennifer Aniston to say a few words about the man who puts her Cabbage Patch Dolls to sleep every night and talks her off of the ledge when her maid misplaces one of her Beanie Babies. The WWD reporter who talked to Jennifer Aniston is probably still stoned, because when she opened her mouth, out came forty waves of the good shit smoke and vodka fumes. Jennifer was either six kinds of stoned or she was six kinds of drunk or six kinds of both. Or maybe she’s just suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and getting good dick has warped her brain. Because Jennifer didn’t only jack Justin Theroux off with her words. She jacked him, sucked him, rode him and let him finish in her butt. She laid it on thick. Jennifer talking about Justin sounds a lot like the looniest loon in Bellevue’s Brangeloonie department talking about St. Angie Jolie.
“I commend him for his courage. This is not normal for him. He’s so graceful and utterly kind and golden. It is amazing. He’s just so beautiful and handsome to me, and I love that his eyeballs are so beautifully captured because those eyes just knock me out every day. He just gets better every year. He’s just like a lost gem in the sand, and he’s just always been there and been brilliant, and now this is just in a different light.”
Whether it be Justin’s dick, weed or booze, bitch is on something, because she’s talking crazy. “His eyeballs are so beautifully captured.” That’s some serial killer shit. If Justin ever decides that being with Jennifer is not worth living in a multi-million dollar estate in Bel Air and he leaves her, dude better either join the Witness Protection Program immediately or get a SWAT team to protect his beautifully captured eyeballs. Because if he ever breaks up with her, he won’t remember a thing after saying, “It’s over.” He’ll wake up to the darkness in the ER as Jennifer Aniston is in her bed, kissing his torn-off eyeballs in between telling them, “Now we’ll always be together….“
The premiere of HBO’s The Leftovers (aka The Others from Lost Move To Long Island) happened in NYC last night and Jennifer Aniston figured it was the perfect time to kill all those break-up rumors her publicist probably leaked himself by getting on Justin Theroux like he was a Cabbage Patch doll knocked up with a litter of Beanie Babies. Jennifer Aniston truly gave the tabloids several gifts. She gave them the perfect picture to use for their “Justin Storms Out! Calls Jen ‘Too Clingy!’” cover story and the perfect picture (see above) for their “Jen Doesn’t Want To Ruin Her Bikini Body! Makes Justin Carry Their Unborn Triplets!” cover story.
Bitches are so orange that they look like two Chick-O-Sticks in fancy clothes. Justin did himself up like a sleazy, traveling hipster preacher who seduces dumb, religious housewives so he can do them hard and steal their TV and purses as they sleep it off. And Jennifer’s skin looked as glowing as ever. Fillers, tequila, chemical peels, Baby Alive slobber, tears and $500 dolphin placenta cream works wonders. I mean, Aveeno and Smart Water. Aveeno and Smart Water works wonders!
Here’s a few more pictures of Justin, Jen and his co-stars Liv Tyler and Amy Brenneman at last night’s premiere. Justin’s beaming like, “Finally, you’re all here for ME,” as the photographers screamed, “Over here, Jen! Over here!”
Good call on the scarf; that’s how I take sneaky sips off my Wine Rack too (…is what I’d say if I wasn’t a total mess who gave up dignity a long time ago and replaced it with chugging goon bags in public).
The wedding of Sad Sack & Kewl Dude aka Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux doesn’t even have a date and already there’s problems worthy of calling the whole thing off and dividing up their shared collection of moisturizer (“You can have all the Aveeno shit” – Jennifer Aniston). According to Radar, Justin thinks Jenny needs to lay off sucking the glass dick (that’s what I call drinking wine. Remember what I said earlier about dignity?) and he wants to start by making their wedding a dry one. Oh, it’s going to be dry alright; try getting your dick wet after denying Sadness Estates™ most loyal customer her favorite pino greege.
“The older Justin gets, the more he’s become a super health freak, and he wants Jen to follow suit. She’s definitely slowed down her boozing since she and Justin hooked up, but she still loves two or three glasses of wine every night. Justin’s hope is that she’s going to give that up soon,” said the source.
“He really wants her to quit and has been pushing for a non-alcoholic wedding – an idea that was met with great laughter by Jen and her girl crew.”
Then Jennifer pulled Justin aside, slapped him across the face like Cher in Moonstruck, and told him to imagine if Godzilla and a hurricane had a baby, because that’s what you get if Chelsea Handler goes longer than 20 minutes without booze.
Plus, it’s unfair to deny alcohol to the poor unfortunate guests forced to share a dinner table at the reception with Terry Richardson. The only that would make sitting within 50ft of To Catch A Preda-Terry even remotely tolerable is the freedom of getting next-level hammered at an open bar.