Jennifer Aniston has said previously that she is so completely over the “JEN’S BABY JOY!” pregnancy rumor mill. So Jennifer might want to sit this story out, because it’s all about two things she’s not in to: speculation about her marriage to Justin Theroux, and speculation about the vacancy status of her uterus.
People continues to fill in the blanks about Jennifer’s sad, shattered, broken, tear-down of a heart. Or at least what their sources consider to be the missing pieces in the puzzle of their legally-questionable marriage. A source tells People that Jennifer was losing hope of being a mom, and then her gallant hero Sir Justin of Fertile Spermingham galloped into her life. But it didn’t go as planned.
“When Jen met Justin, she had almost given up on the idea that she would have kids,” a source close to Aniston tells People. “They wanted to have a baby, but it didn’t work out.”
The source claims that Jennifer and Justin started making baby plans shortly after they got engaged in 2012. After almost six years later, nothing happened. But the source says that Jennifer was “sad it never happened,” but adds that it never consumed her.
Jennifer is extremely rich, and when you’re rich you have a lot of options, so I’m sure she’d have a kid if she wanted one by now. But now I can’t help but picture what their baby would have looked like. All I know is that Justin looks like he’s got pretty dominant DNA, and no one should have been surprised if that baby popped out with a teeny-tiny cool dude chain necklace or an itty-bitty leather wrist cuff.
Here we go, grab your plastic gloves and safety scalpel, tie your hair back and throw some Vicks under your nose. It’s time to continue the ongoing autopsy to determine what’s responsible for the end of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s maybe marriage. We’ve heard that it was because Jen loved L.A. and the Hollywood scene while Justin was all about NYC and the artsy crowd. UsWeekly and People now have more info.
Justin Theroux Was Apparently Over His Marriage For Ages, But Still Spent V-Day With Jennifer Aniston
Because everything can be explained with a parable from Sex And The City, remember that episode where Big takes Carrie to some high-falutin’ Upper East Side party with that WASPy chick with bad taste in jeweled purses but great taste in rich men with townhouses? And Carrie just feels left out and winds up on the balcony ripping butts with the cater waiter? That basically sums up how Justin Theroux felt about Jennifer Aniston before they split. Continue reading
A “Sad” Brad Pitt Hasn’t Reached Out To Newly Single Jennifer Aniston (Who May Not Have Legally Married Justin Theroux)
Imagine if they got back together? That would keep supermarket tabs goin’ for the next 1,000 years with breathless cover stories like “EVIL ANGELINA WANTS SATAN TO CURSE REUNITED BRAD AND JENN!!!“. Actually, that might be what saves print media! So, Aniston, whenever you blast the tabs for haunting your what looks like a Lean Cuisine for One-destined life, you should remember that you’ve probably kept several companies afloat and saved jobs. Silver linings! Oh, by the way, Brad Pitt HAS NOT reached out to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston since her split with her famously bouncy jogger of a husband, Justin Theroux, according to UsWeekly. Continue reading
If Jennifer Aniston’s team ever sees this picture, they’re going to make the same face she’s making. Because how could they allow her to be in the same picture as a bottle of water that isn’t SmartWater! She should fire their incompetent asses for that, honestly.
Christmas came 10 months early for tabloid editors yesterday when Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux announced that her second marriage, and his first marriage, is as done as I was about five minutes into Horrible Bosses 2. They said in their statement that they decided to hit the stop button their marriage late last year. In December, they were papped in Cabo San Lucas while vacationing with Jason Bateman and his wife Amanda Anka. UsWeekly says that they took that vacation, hoping that the cracks in their marriage would get filled with the fuck juices they’d squirt out while having tequila-fueled Band-Aid sex. But as everyone knows, that didn’t happen.
Brace Yourselves For The “Jennifer Aniston Is Crying Heartbroken Tears On Brad Pitt’s Shoulder ” Stories, Because She And Justin Theroux Have Split Up
Those magazine sources blatantly lied to us all! How will we ever trust magazine sources again! They told us in late-December that everything between Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux was fine, but I guess they took a Christmas break trip to Cabo to do tequila shots off of each other’s stomachs one last time, because they announced today that they’re done with each other after 2 and a half years of marriage and 7 years together.