It took Michelangelo less time to paint the Sistine Chapel than it’s taking Apple to produce Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston’s show about morning TV. I kind of forgot this show was a thing since Reese tends to blab on mainly about her Big Little Lies sisters when she devotes any time about slumming it on the TV. Alas, the morning show drama is still happening, and it’s recruiting yet another comedy player to go serious brooding for this nonsense. Enter Steve Carell!
Hollywood Life (via The Daily Mail) has a story about evil sorceress Angelina Jolie feeling nothing for getting on a married Brad Pitt and ruining his then-wife Jennifer Aniston’s life way back in 2004. As legend has it, Aniston was left wearing a lifelong veil of tears after Angie cast a black magic sex spell on Brad while they were filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Brad and Jennifer split the next year and it was shortly afterward that he started accompanying Angie on world-saving errands. Later, both stopped short of admitting that they were boning prior to his divorce but did reveal in separate interviews that they developed feelings for each other during filming of that movie. Remember when Aniston summed up Angie’s revelation with the withering and devastating “uncool”? Anyway, Brad and Angie went on to get married, raise a million children, and are currently in the midst of an untidy divorce. Angie reportedly regrets how the split and divorce are going but is still supposedly claiming “I don’t know her” when it comes to Aniston’s feelings.
Bounty of dick Justin Theroux did an interview with the New York Times in which he spoke about splitting from Jennifer Aniston. Justin was obviously taking notes whenever he and Jennifer hung around with GOOP and Coldplay because he describes the implosion of his marriage as a “gentle separation.” That means he had sanity enough not to challenge the pre-nup. Friends money can buy a caliber of lawyer that would have left Justin with nothing but two differently matched hipster boots and tumbleweeds blowing out of his wallet on the chain.
Seen above looking like she’s taking one quirky shit, Jennifer Aniston is on the cover InStyle’s September issue, and inside she talks to her friend/Jimmy Kimmel Live! co-head writer/Jimmy Kimmel’s wife Molly McNearney to promote her movie Dumplin, where she plays a former beauty queen. Molly and Aniston met through Justin Theroux, and have stayed friends even after she split up with the living and breathing pair of black meggings. Aniston and Molly don’t talk about Justin, but they do talk about how the tabloids and bloggers (for why is everybody looking at me?) continue to paint her as a human pile of uncooked cookie dough who squirts out lonely tears from her crying holes as she clutches her Baby Alive doll while staring at the window and waiting for the stork to bring her a real-life baby of her own. Again, Jen is FINE. She’s not heartbroken and wishes bitches would keep their magnifying glasses out of her womb.
Good granny C.J. was sick of seeing my mope into my potato salad one Thanksgiving after I broke up with a “girlfriend” one year, so she gave me the sage advice all southern grannies with a filthy mouth offer up: “You’re never gonna get over her until you get under two beefy daddies.” Or something like that. Apparently, Jennifer Aniston was taught the same lesson, because if you can believe a new report, Jen has moved on from Justin Theroux by dating two dudes. Continue reading
I just assumed the first lady-loving First Couple to head to the White House would be Oprah and Gayle King (“Fuck you,” –Cynthia Nixon), but Netflix is apparently more in line with the idea of Rachel Green and Tig Notaro.