Katy Perry threw her man Orlando Bloom a surprise 40th birthday party at a hotel in Palm Springs, CA on Saturday night and even though Justin Theroux was there, the biggest dick in the room was the blown-up picture of Legolas’ (sadly censored) peen. Katy apparently took the picture that launched a thousand boners and throbbing clits, blew it up and used it as a backdrop for party guests to pose in front of. Some guests made fun of Orly’s salchicha (see: picture above) and others posed normal. It doesn’t look like any of them put their mouths on that black box. I know, Katy and Orlando have weird friends.
For years we’ve endured (Carl Sagan voice) billions of magazine headlines celebrating a Jennifer Aniston pregnancy or the countdown to a pregnancy or the sadness of lack of pregnancy. In July, Jennifer said in an essay for the Huffington Post that she had officially had it with the never-ending pregnancy rumors. Now it feels like we’re going to spend the next several years – or at least a few months into 2017 – discussing how over it Jennifer Aniston is. Justin Theroux took the September shift, Chelsea Handler got October, and now, in November, it appears that it’s Jennifer Aniston’s turn again.
After Justin Theroux’s wife Jennifer Aniston was dropped into the Brangelina drama, he said that it’s surprising how everyone focuses on trash gossip when there are more important things to focus on. But over the weekend, some thought that Justin was joining all of us garbage whores in the dumpster when he posted a picture on Instagram of graffiti art in Berlin done by artist Nick Flatt. As everyone noticed, between “fuck politics” and “fuck condoms” are the words “fuck Brad Pitt.” Some of us who love to reach hard for drama, thought that either Justin Theroux was burning Brad Pitt, or he was telling us that he really wants to forget the condoms and bareback fuck Brad Pitt.
UsWeekly says that Justin’s original caption for that pic was: “#currentelectionmood #berlin #graffiti #fuckingnickflatt.” But when everyone thought he was hating on his wife’s cheating slut of an ex-husband, he changed the caption and became Snooki’s #1 enemy while doing so:
Bitch may not shade like he’s “elevem” years old. But he hashtags like he’s eleven years old. And I wonder why Justin shat on pickles out of all the things in that pic to shit on. Could it be because Jennifer Aniston is knocked up and is craving pickles all the time and the constant smell of them has grossed him out? That’s it. Next week on Star Magazine: Pickles Tore Them Apart! Justin Theroux Abandons A Pregnant Jennifer Aniston!
It’s been more than a month since Angelina Jolie (or “That Fucking Lunatic” as she’s known in Chelsea Handler’s house) filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. And since then, Jennifer Aniston has been dragged into the conversation, of course. Two of those times were courtesy of Jennifer’s friends announcing to the world that we should keep her out of it. Another friend has come forward with their thoughts on it all. Sadly, it’s not Marcel the Monkey.
The picture you’re looking at was taken a few days ago while Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston went furniture shopping in NYC. I’m sure it took about six seconds before someone at UsWeekly or In Touch shouted “Furniture for what? A new baby? That must be why she’s covering her stomach with a jacket!” and got to working on laying out a JEN’S BABY JOY cover. Well, you know what? Justin Theroux wants people to cut the “womb watch” shit out.
Just like how Bloody Mary is supposed to appear in the mirror if you say her name three times or a lawyer shows up to your house if you piss off Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston’s name is likely to get dragged up when someone types the words “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting a divorce.” Even though Jennifer Aniston hasn’t really had much to do with Brad Pitt since getting him to sign divorce papers eleven years ago, some people still want to know what she thinks about the news that her cheater ex-husband and the tomb wrecker are splitting up. Jenny hasn’t said anything publicly, but some of her nearest and dearest have. Much like Justin Theroux, Courteney Cox thinks you should be leaving Jennifer Aniston’s name out of it.