Oh, I know that face. I know that face very well. That’s cake hangry face, and I usually get it when I want cake and discover there is no cake. Like yesterday, when I ate half a chocolate cake (I wish I was kidding about this next part) for breakfast, then around 2:30pm I went back for more cake and realized I’d eaten it all. Then when I realized I’d have to eat a bag of baby carrots instead, I made that face. So, yeah, Jennifer Aniston, I get it. It’s the reverse of what you’re talking about, but I get it.
UsWeekly says that Jennifer Aniston was recently on The Dr. Oz Show (side note: I know you got a movie to pimp out, but what’s next – appearing as a guest bailiff on Judge Joe Brown?) to talk about her transformation from beautiful Jennifer Aniston to frumpy Jennifer Aniston for the movie Cake. Jennifer confessed to that dreamy MD-ILF Dr. Oz that she stopped working out in preparation for her role. Unfortunately, it wasn’t all happy naps on the couch and cozy oversized muumuus like you’d imagine quitting the gym would be:
“It’s interesting when you stop exercising. It really was interesting how my serotonin levels went down. My stamina was shot. I was cranky. I was irritable. I’m usually really not any of those things. I found myself short. I was hungry like crazy.”
Are we sure she’s not actually talking about quitting booze? Because that sounds like what happens when you quit booze. You get all cranky and everything bothers you. Why is this water so clear? Who turned up the volume on the ceiling fan? Why is this keyboard such a jerk?
But enough about Jenny talking about being miserable after she broke up with her elliptical machine; what I really want to know is how that dookie-obsessed Dr. Oz was able to segue into a conversation about poop. “I see you wear a pretty crappy wig in Cake. Speaking of crap…“
In her never-ending promotion for that sans fards Cake movie, Jennifer Aniston did a very Jennifer Aniston-y photo shoot (HAIR! BRONZER! SEXY WAVES!) and interview with Allure, and she opened up about all the anonymous strangers who want to know why she hasn’t rented out her 45-year-old womb to a baby yet. Just like the last time she spoke about her lack of fetus fever, Jenny tells Allure (via People) that just because she hasn’t pushed a slimy screaming human out of her down-lows doesn’t mean she should be marked as defective and sent back to the Lady Factory. Oh, and also please stop tapping at your invisible wristwatch and making tick-tock noises, because SHE KNOWS, YOU GUYS:
“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women – that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering – dogs, friends, friends’ children. This continually is said about me: that I was so career-driven and focused on myself, that I don’t want to be a mother, and how selfish that is. Even saying it gets me a little tight in my throat.”
It’s times like these that I wish Jennifer Aniston’s dogs could talk, so they could tell everyone that Jennifer Aniston is a great mother and shut those nosy uterus-obsessed bitches up once and for all. How could she not be a great mom? Those dogs spend 9 months out of the year in Mexico! You know how many times I’ve been to Mexico? Zero times. I bet those dogs get to eat whatever they want for dinner too AND sleep on the bed. Ugh, luckyyyy.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston in Allure, including a topless shot with her hairdresser that looks like pretty much every ~edgy~ engagement photo on my Facebook timeline.
Jennifer Aniston’s house boy Justin Theroux better add an extra tequila shot to her morning Tequila Sunrise and quickly make a bunch of congratulations cards from her Cabbage Patch Dolls, because there’s some celebrating to do. Jennifer Aniston’s hustling for Oscar game is paying off. The 21st SAG Award nominations were announced today and Jennifer Aniston got one for Cake (aka The One Where Rachel Is Sad And Doesn’t Wear Makeup).
Kaley Cuoco just called her agent this morning and screamed at them to get her a movie role where she can go SANS FARDS and wear rubber scars on her face, because if Jennifer Aniston can get a SAG nom for Best Actress so can she. Aniston was nominated along with Felicity Jones (The Theory of Everything), the perfect Julianne Moore (Still Alice), Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl) and Laura Jeanne Poon (Wild). Some think that Jessica Chastain (A Most Violent Year) and Marion Cotillard (Two Days, One Night) were ROBBED. The Golden Globe nominations are coming out tomorrow and Aniston’s name could show up in there too. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Oscar hos nominated her for Best Actress and also nominated St. Angie Jolie for Maleficent just so they can milk the shit out of Aniston vs. Jolie round 2. I hope that my new favorite Hollywood super villain Scott Rudin takes a break from eating his breakfast of kitten heads in a bowl to buy a full page ad in Variety where he’ll congratulate Aniston for her nomination. His quote will read: “Jennifer Aniston Is A Maximumly Talented Down-To-Earth Angel.”
The rest of the nominations are after the cut. Naomi Watts got one for St. Vincent for some reason and so did Meryl Streep because she’s Meryl Streep.
Chris Stark, who you may or may not know as the star of that awkwardly charming Mila Kunis interview, once again found himself in the middle of an awkward BBC Radio 1 interview with Jennifer Aniston, except this time it wasn’t so much charming as it was deeply cringeworthy. Us Weekly says Chris’s boss Scott Mills spoke to Jennifer Aniston before the interview and convinced her to help him pull a prank on Chris by reacting to every one of his questions with a face full of NO. And she did it, because if Jenny wants that Horrible Bosses 3 paycheck, she needs to first hustle the hell out of Horrible Bosses 2.
I have to give a slow clap to Jennifer Aniston, because whenever I try to prank someone (ie. every day at 4pm when I call my sister at work pretending to be the IRS) my dumb ass always end up breaking character 3 seconds in. But Jenny kept it together the whole time. It’s like she was pretending that every question he asked her was about Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, poor Chris Stark is sitting there all confused like “Bloody ‘ell, why is she so pissed? Not once have I asked her about Angelina!”
And if you watch this video for anything, it should be for Chris Stark stuttering over the words “bloke’s parts” at the 4:05 mark. BLOKE’S PARTS! Thanks for the charming new term for dicks and balls, Chris!
In case you want to see what Jennifer Aniston would look like wearing a shirt made out of your mother’s living room sheers, here’s Jenny arriving to Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday:
I have literally been staring at this picture of Jennifer Aniston with her 45-year-old tits out for about 18 minutes and wondering which I should be more jealous of: that her tits are 1,000x better than mine (“Well, start wearing a bra then, dummy!” – hissed my tits) or that she’s made herself a handy built-in shelf for holding her drinks when her arms get tired. Yeah, you’re right – the second one. I would give anything for a built-in booze holder.
Last night was the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere in Los Angeles, and I know I talked a lot about Jenny’s chichis at the London premiere, but that was NOTHING compared to the bridal boobs bonanza she was serving up last night. Everything about her look is so great, from the “Yeah I just woke up in a casino bathroom” hair to the hand-beaded beauty pageant pearl couture to the Orange Opulence spray tan. She’s beautiful – she’s exactly what I want to look like when I get married; like an upscale mermaid escort.
She also gets points for looking like a slutty cosplay of Kelly and Brenda at the Spring Dance, which is always a classic.
Here’s more of potential future Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston working wedding stripper on top and funeral stripper on the bottom at the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere, as well as all the dudes in that movie (smug SNL dude, Arrested Development dude, Charlie from It’s Always Sunny), and for some reason Bai Ling – you know what? She doesn’t need a reason to be there. Bai Ling should be invited to everything.
Since Jennifer Aniston was brave enough to go both SANS FARDS and SANS HAIR EXTENSIONS for her new movie Cake, many industry types are already whispering that she’ll probably get nominated for an Oscar. Because as you all know, the surest way to get nominated for an Academy Award is to give a performance that has at least one of the 3 Ts: titties, tears, or tired-looking eyes (aka no makeup). So People decided to corner Jenny at NYC screening of Cake last night and ask her what she thinks about everyone talking about the possibility of Jennifer Aniston becoming Academy Award-nominated Jennifer Aniston:
As for the early awards season whispers? Aniston is surprised, saying (with a laugh) she’s “flattered” and that she reacts to the buzz “awkwardly and stutteringly.”
Rachel Green, PLEASE! Jenny knew she was going to get nominated for an Oscar the second they applied that first janky Party City scar! Not to mention that that wig looks like she told her assistant: “No Denise, this hair is still too nice – I’m going for an Oscar nomination, not a Golden Globe. Bring me something that looks like a greasy Yorkie.”
If I was Jennifer Aniston (“You wish, hag” shouted the bottles of Living Proof shampoo in my shower) I’d just start responding to Oscar buzz questions by going “DUH – I better get nominated for an Oscar! Did you see my face? I looked like Madam Mim!” And anyone who does flawless Madam Mim drag should get all the Oscars in my book.
Here’s potential future Oscar-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston at the Cake screening last night looking like Hogwarts’ sexiest substitute teacher, as well as her hot hipster dracula piece Justin Theroux:
The London premiere of Horrible Bosses 2 happened on Wednesday night, and in case it’s not obvious, this isn’t the movie Jennifer Aniston is hoping to get nominated for an OSCAH for. Serious film actress Jennifer Aniston walks the red carpet in a tasteful black dress with her hair pulled back into a contemplative low chignon, whereas Horrible Bosses 2 actress Jennifer Aniston rolls up with her hair down and her right tit out. You know what? I don’t even care that it’s covered in fabric; one titty out is always the look.
Jenny’s titty dress is like a piece of abstract art. That weird cut-out can be interpreted in so many different ways! Is it an upside-down tube of lipstick? A ketchup-dipped french fry? A cartoon dog boner? The severed finger from Miley Cyrus’ VMA foam hand? I think I’m going to go with cartoon dog boner. Or maybe I’m supposed to be focusing on the negative space? Fuck, art is hard.
But as much as I love that Jenny is showing off her right titty, I’m also a little sad for her left titty. Poor left titty, hidden away behind all that fabric. I bet left titty feels left out.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston and her modest orange titty in London last night, as well as her Horrible Bosses 2 co-stars and a bunch of British “Who??”s, because it ain’t a British red carpet without the appearance of someone random chick from TOWIE:
During an interview with Carson Daily on the Today show Wednesday morning, the world’s most famous forever alone Jennifer Aniston was asked by the talking blue-eyed peanut himself about interviewing Gloria Steinem for the MAKERS Conference back in February where she touched on the fact that everybody cares SO MUCH whether or not Jenny’s womb has a fetus in it by saying “Being a woman, your value and worth is associated with marital status or whether or not you’ve procreated.” Rachel from Friends explained that just because a screaming baby hasn’t dropped from her crotch doesn’t mean she’s nothing more than a useless Smartwater-filled sack with a good set of highlights. »
Last night was the finale episode of Chelsea Lately, thus ending Chelsea Handler’s 7 year run as E!’s drunk aunt. And to celebrate being free from no longer having to walk the halls at E! and smell the stink of Lucifer’s ball sweat wafting off the Kardashians (or 7 seasons, whatever) she called up all the famous hos in her life and told them to put on something clean-ish and get their asses down to her studio to sing her ass off the stage. And they all showed up, probably because Chelsea’s dog Chunk commanded them to do so with his adorable face. Look at Chunk Handler! I’d rob a liquor store for that dog if he asked me to! No, you’re right, I wouldn’t; but I’d definitely consider it. »
Jennifer Aniston has said many times before that she tried Botox once, but she’ll never do it again, because she thinks it makes you look older and if she froze her face with that Nicole Kidman nectar how would she squirt out lonely tears of sadness into a bowl of ice cream soup after her man left her? While talking about her line of hair products and other shit with Bobbi Brown for Yahoo! Beauty, Aniston once again spit on Botox and said that Justin Theroux would threaten to murder her if she got plastic surgery on her face. So Jennifer Aniston keeps her face as smooth as a Cabbage Patch Doll’s ass by cleansing it with Smart Water and moisturizing it with Aveeno, obviously.
On how she wants to lose 5 pounds and is a freak of disgusting nature who only eats delicious carbs on the weekends: “I usually give myself bread on the weekends, but really, my body doesn’t love carbs. These days, if I was being super picky, I would love to drop 5 pounds. That is just where I have always been really comfortable at about 110 to 113 pounds. But it is harder at this age.”
On how women (cough cough Courteney Cox) who fill their face full of Botox look a mess: “There is also this pressure in Hollywood to be ageless. I think what I have been witness to, is seeing women trying to stay ageless with what they are doing to themselves. I am grateful to learn from their mistakes, because I am not injecting shit into my face. No honestly, I see them and my heart breaks. I think, ‘Oh god if you only know how much older you look.’ They are trying to stop the clock and all you can see is an insecure person who won’t let themselves just age. I also have a fiancé; who will put a gun to my head if I touch my face in any way.”
On how she uses lights and shit on her face and wishes she could tell her friends (cough cough hack cough Courteney Cox cough cough) in her life to stop Wildensteining themselves: “There are also so many things that women can do today with technology in terms of LED light therapy, good lasers that tighten the muscles, and massages for your face—and don’t forget great creams. I think that’s the route to go. I also understand that age is kind of awesome. I am fortunate enough to know women like Gloria Steinem, who I think is one of the most stunning women on the planet, and doesn’t touch her face. Diane Keaton, Annette Bening, all of these fabulous fearless women who are flawless, they embrace it! You know, to each their own; I don’t judge it if you do it, but sometimes I wish I could beg the people I know, who I am very near and dear to, to not touch their face.”
Um, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I’m pretty sure that a bullet to the face would screw up Aniston’s face more than a Botox injection would.
Aniston’s crazy, though. Like Justin Theroux is really going to hold a gun to the sole reason why he lives in a multi-million dollar Bel Air mansion with a coop full of chickens that poot out eggs. Real eggs! But I wonder if Justin would be mad if Aniston had plastic surgery before she got with his ass. Because if so, it’s going to be really awkward when he finds out that her nose didn’t get thinner from her hot, miserable tears burning off her nose skin after Brad Pitt left her for that hussy whore skank slut.
Here’s Aniston at some clinic the other day. No, it wasn’t a plastic surgery clinic, Justin, so you can put down the gun and go back to dying your hair with black shoe polish.