As expected by anyone who has ever gotten a good-time buzz going by drinking a couple soda cans full of white wine on their way to a formal event, everybody’s two favorite fun aunts were out in full sassy force last night, and they brought the party, because that’s what Jennifer “Pour Me Another” Aniston and Reese “Laura Jeanne If You’re Nasty” Witherspoon do, and I love it. I don’t know how drunk either of those two were when they arrived to the Oscars (do not tell me 0%, because I’ll refuse to believe it), but it was clearly at a messy enough level for Aunt Laura Jeanne to sneak up behind Aunt Jenny on the red carpet and grab her ass while she was talking to Ryan Seacrest. Way to turn the tables on ol’ ass-grabbin’ Aunt Jenny!
Later on, both of them brought the sassy aunt realness in their own sassy aunt way. Reese pulled a bunch of faces and stuck her tongue out backstage after she presented the award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling, and Jennifer photobombed Jennifer Lopez. Then I like to think they met backstage after Neil Patrick Harris introduced Jennifer and David Oyelowo by cracking a joke about them being getting snubbed so Laura Jeanne could give her a hug and say “Fuck it girl, you know you’re my sunshine.”
You know, in a perfect world, the Oscars would ditch the boring hour-long red carpet and replace it with a live stream of Aunt Jenny and Aunt Laura Jeanne’s ride to the ceremony. That’s the pre-show I legit would love to see: Aunt Jenny and Aunt Laura Jeanne chugging from a bottle of Boone’s Farm and laugh-singing along to “Uptown Funk” as they attempt to drunkenly spray Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs on each other.
Here’s more of Fun Aunt Laura Jeanne mentally counting down the minutes till she can get her dance on, as well as Fun Aunt Jenny hugging everyone she can throw her arms around last night, which included Emma Stone, her hot piece Justin Theroux, and Matt Lauer:
Buuuuuut only so she can approach the microphone and call out the name of someone who was nominated for an award. “Gee, thanks. Do you also need someone to clean up after the ceremony as well?” thought Jennifer Aniston, as she chugged down her third glass of Fuck-It-All Farms™ pinot greege.
People says that after being snubbed by the academy for her riveting turn as a sad lady with bad hair in Cake, Jennifer Aniston will be a presenter at the Academy Awards on February 22nd. Also joining her in the Snubbed Presenter Club is David Oyelowo, who the academy forgot to give a nomination for his portrayal of Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma. Other non-nominated presenters include Sienna Miller, Chris Pratt, Kerry Washington, and John Travolta, who I secretly hope gets trolled by the academy by presenting the award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling.
God, is that academy run by Regina George or what? First they’re all like “I don’t know Jenny…I only have one invitation to my super-exclusive birthday party left, and I was thinking of giving it to Angelina Jolie, so it looks like you’re going to have to prove to me how much you want it.” Then after Jenny pimps out Cake on every damn TV show from here to the all-penguin cable access channel in Antarctica, they’re like “Yeah, so I forgot I had to invite Meryl Streep. Sorreeeee.” Then they corner Jenny at her locker a month later and are like “I’ve got some good news, gurl – you can totally come to my party! There was a screw-up with the caterers and we need someone to work the shrimp cocktail station. You’re not allergic to shellfish, right? Swing by my house around 4pm and my mom will give you an apron and a hairnet.”
And I really hope she gets back at those shady bitches in the academy by announcing everyone in her category as “these fuckers“.
The Mani Cam Is Dead: The Likes Of Jennifer Aniston And Julianne Moore Refuse To Take Part In That Stupid Shit
At the 2014 Golden Globes, Elisabeth Moss flipped off E!’s stupid-as-fuck mani cam, because someone had to do it, and I guess E! didn’t take that as a hint. They brought back the mani cam at this year’s Golden Globes and at last night’s SAG Awards. But the anti-mani cam revolution has officially begun, because several tricks shut that mess down last night.
For some reason, Ghouliana Rancic wasn’t available to verbally lick up the ass juices of famous people at the SAG Awards for E! last night, so Maria Menounos had to do it. Maria Menonous was probably the only one there who was grateful for the mani cam’s existence, because it gave her something to talk about. While Giuliana makes me cringe by sucking on the assholes of celebrities, Maria made me cringe by being ten layers of awkward. There weird long pauses, a lot of “uhs” and stupid questions. Maria was like me on almost every first date I’ve had. The mani cam bullshit only added an extra layer of awkward. Asking a future Oscar winner like Julianne Moore to show off her nail polish and borrowed jewelry in a shoe box diorama is like asking my One Direction-obsessed little cousin what her favorite Taylor Swift song is. You will get a side-eye that says, “Dumb bitch, you know better than to ask me that,” followed by a wave of the hand.
No, Jennifer Aniston is not shoving pie filling from a jar into her mouth hole to keep herself from bawling while listening to “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” over and over again after Oscar became the latest asshole to screw with her emotions. As The Hollywood Reporter says, Jennifer Aniston is doing fine! She’s rich, she’s got Justin Theroux and she’s not wearing pants. She’s fine and you shouldn’t believe all the future tabloid covers that will read: “Poor, Miserable Jen In A Tailspin Of Emotions After Getting Rejected Again!”
Seen above looking like she’s taking a really happy shit, Jennifer Aniston did a really, really, long, long interview with The Hollywood Reporter where she talked about having Dyslexia, talking to Brad Pitt and having kids. You know, the usual.
Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie were in the same room last night (TMZ has riveting picture proof of it) and surprisingly they didn’t Vaseline up their faces, take off their jewelry, pull their hair back and scratch at each other while Maddox and Justin Theroux shouted, “Whoop that trick!” They didn’t run into each other and nothing happened, but hos (this ho included) made a big deal about it and Jennifer Aniston thinks we all need to move on. Jennifer told Entertainment Tonight that after 10 years, 10 million tabloid covers and 35 million blog posts (half of which probably came from this blog), it’s time for us to let go of the “Aniston vs. Brangelina” saga for once and for all. What Angelina did was very uncool, but Jennifer is long over it and wants everyone to join her.
“I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do. I mean, [Unbroken] is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness. It’s just tiresome and old. It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes.”
So if this shit is over, what are we supposed to talk about then? What are we supposed to fight about? Are we supposed to talk about the weather? Are we supposed to talk about our own boring lives? Doesn’t Jennifer Aniston know that if the feud that the media won’t let die truly dies, tabloids will crumble, people will lose their jobs and we’ll all aimlessly wander around in this new, confused world?
I see what Jennifer is really doing here. She’s trying to drop St. Angie’s guard. After those two go out for a cordial lunch, they’ll go shopping for those new shiny shoes and as St. Angie goes to try them on, Jennifer will grab that home wrecking hussy harlot whore’s hair and drag her across the floor while screaming, “Gotcha, bitch!” Yeah, that’s what’s going on and I can wait to read all about it in InTouch Weekly’s cover story titled: “Jennifer To Angelina: ‘You’re petty and tiresome!’“
The Critics’ Choice Awards were tonight and you’d think St. Angie Jolie would be busy sneaking into the houses of Oscar voters to suck out their souls and steal their children’s dreams for not throwing her a Best Director nomination, but she didn’t do that shit. She’ll save it for tomorrow night. Instead, she told Brad Pitt to stay his ass home with his bong and she threw on some shit she borrowed from the Dynasty wing of the Smithsonian (there’s a Dynasty wing at the Smithsonian, right?) and gave us some Alexis Carrington. I know, if you were next to me, you’d put on all of your rings and slap me back and forth for comparing anyone to the incomparable Alexis Carrington.
Since St. Angie Jolie did herself up like Alexis Carrington, I was hoping that Jennifer Aniston would serve up some Krystle Carrington and halfway through the show a fountain would be rolled out into the middle of the stage and the two would cat fight in it. Jennifer Aniston didn’t go Krystle Carrington, but she did wear an actual color and wore necklaces that made it look like she bedazzled her tits. Never mind that Jennifer Aniston is so damn orange that she has the complexion of a baked Dorito, I’m into this look. It’s very Prince if Prince was a Mary Kay saleswoman.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Woe is Jennifer Aniston. This week is turning out to be almost as shitty as the week where she lost the 2nd generation Quackers the Duck Beanie Baby on eBay. Jennifer got shut down by that mean asshole Oscar and the wife of her dead first love came for her in the media. What’s next? She’s going to get Chickenpox? Actually, that is highly possible (no, it’s not) since she has actual chickens living in her backyard.
Jennifer Aniston said in a New York Times interview that her first love, actor Daniel McDonald, died from brain cancer and she believes that he is an angel looking over her and gave her the gift of Justin Theroux. If an angel wanted to give Jennifer Aniston the gift of true, everlasting love, wouldn’t they send her a bottomless bottle of tequila? But I’m digressing. If you haven’t read it already, here’s the quote that Jennifer gave to the Times:
“He was my first love — five years we were together. He would have been the one. But I was 25, and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”
If Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy “Yes, I stole a pair of dirty panties from your laundry basket and I sniff them while staring at the wall collage I made using the pictures I took of you leaving your house ” eyes make you want to blow a whistle and run into the arms of the nearest adult, you’re not alone. I’m holding onto my dog with one hand right now. He’s 61 in dog years. He counts as an adult.
After winning the Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie Golden Globe for the acting stuff he’s done in Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton played a little game with reanimated Howdy Doody puppet, Billy Bush, and the unsettlingly peppy Kit Hoover of Access Hollywood. Billy and Kit copied Tina Fey and Amy Poehler by asking St. Angie Jolie’s second husband if he’d rather fuck Laura Jeanne Poon (Hollywood name: Reese Witherspoon) or Jennifer Aniston? Now, I’d go with Laura Jeanne Poon, because you know she’s a hardcore dom. She probably gets crazy, curses at you, spits at your face and says shit like, “Suck on this American citizen clit, bitch!” Jennifer Aniston probably stops halfway through to turn her Care Bear the other way because she doesn’t want it to see her getting down. Billy Bob went with ANISTON and said it’s one of his “lifelong goals.”
Billy and Kit then asked Billy Bob if he’d rather get with Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. Billy Bob spit this out:
“Jennifer Aniston. How many times does it take to get this through your head?”
Billy Bob was definitely doing some grade A trolling, because Billy and Kit said that he kept saying Jennifer Aniston’s name after every single question they asked no matter what the question was. Billy and Kit also claim that they completely forgot that Billy Bob was once bonded in blood with St. Angie Jolie. Please. I know that NBC replaced Billy and Kit’s brains with a machine that only produces happy, peppy thoughts, but they knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is using her Smart Water money to have a time machine built so she can go back to the year 2000 and bone Billy Bob before screaming at Angie, “I fucked your husband first, tramp!”
Here’s Billy Bob working those plugs while doing the Golden Globes party circuit with his partner Connie Angland.
If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.
First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:
As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:
Jennifer Aniston Admits That The Giant-Ass Engagement Ring Justin Theroux Gave Her Isn’t Exactly Her Style
I’ve always been a sucker for a gremlin-sized diamond ring. I like ‘em big and gaudy and glassy and cheap-looking (I also thought that Bonnie Rumsfield from The ‘Burbs was the epitome of high class when I was a little girl), which is why I’ve always liked the 78-carat diamond behemoth engagement ring Justin Theroux gave to Jennifer Aniston. It’s so classy, in an exquisite Florida scented candle tycoon sort of way. However, it sounds like Jennifer Aniston has a different definition of classy than I do, because she tells The New York Times (via People) that it’s not really her thing.
During the same interview where Jennifer said that Justin is a gift sent to her from one of her exes, she also sort of alludes to the fact that her ex might have forgotten to send her a dude with good taste by describing the engagement ring he gave her as follows:
“It’s a rock, I know. He rocked it up. It took me a while to get used to it. I’m not a diamond girl. I’m more Indian jewelry and stuff.”
You hear that Justin? It’s not too late to take it back and pick out something nice at Namaste Depot. But I think I understand what she’s saying; some people just can’t handle the type of ring that could potentially sprain your wrist. A huge-ass ring like Jen’s is meant for a hand that does dick-all all day, like those belonging to fancy society wives, professional pretty people, aspiring gold diggers, full-time glamorous humans, and Joan Collins.
Justin needs to remember that he didn’t need to go overboard in the ring department just because her first husband was Brad Pitt. Brad may be a big-time movie star, but he was also stoned for 90% of their marriage, so as long as Justin doesn’t give her an onion ring (then ask for it back, because he’s got a wicked case of “snack fever“), I think he’ll be fine.