The Mani Cam Is Dead: The Likes Of Jennifer Aniston And Julianne Moore Refuse To Take Part In That Stupid Shit
At the 2014 Golden Globes, Elisabeth Moss flipped off E!’s stupid-as-fuck mani cam, because someone had to do it, and I guess E! didn’t take that as a hint. They brought back the mani cam at this year’s Golden Globes and at last night’s SAG Awards. But the anti-mani cam revolution has officially begun, because several tricks shut that mess down last night.
For some reason, Ghouliana Rancic wasn’t available to verbally lick up the ass juices of famous people at the SAG Awards for E! last night, so Maria Menounos had to do it. Maria Menonous was probably the only one there who was grateful for the mani cam’s existence, because it gave her something to talk about. While Giuliana makes me cringe by sucking on the assholes of celebrities, Maria made me cringe by being ten layers of awkward. There weird long pauses, a lot of “uhs” and stupid questions. Maria was like me on almost every first date I’ve had. The mani cam bullshit only added an extra layer of awkward. Asking a future Oscar winner like Julianne Moore to show off her nail polish and borrowed jewelry in a shoe box diorama is like asking my One Direction-obsessed little cousin what her favorite Taylor Swift song is. You will get a side-eye that says, “Dumb bitch, you know better than to ask me that,” followed by a wave of the hand.
No, Jennifer Aniston is not shoving pie filling from a jar into her mouth hole to keep herself from bawling while listening to “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” over and over again after Oscar became the latest asshole to screw with her emotions. As The Hollywood Reporter says, Jennifer Aniston is doing fine! She’s rich, she’s got Justin Theroux and she’s not wearing pants. She’s fine and you shouldn’t believe all the future tabloid covers that will read: “Poor, Miserable Jen In A Tailspin Of Emotions After Getting Rejected Again!”
Seen above looking like she’s taking a really happy shit, Jennifer Aniston did a really, really, long, long interview with The Hollywood Reporter where she talked about having Dyslexia, talking to Brad Pitt and having kids. You know, the usual.
Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie were in the same room last night (TMZ has riveting picture proof of it) and surprisingly they didn’t Vaseline up their faces, take off their jewelry, pull their hair back and scratch at each other while Maddox and Justin Theroux shouted, “Whoop that trick!” They didn’t run into each other and nothing happened, but hos (this ho included) made a big deal about it and Jennifer Aniston thinks we all need to move on. Jennifer told Entertainment Tonight that after 10 years, 10 million tabloid covers and 35 million blog posts (half of which probably came from this blog), it’s time for us to let go of the “Aniston vs. Brangelina” saga for once and for all. What Angelina did was very uncool, but Jennifer is long over it and wants everyone to join her.
“I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do. I mean, [Unbroken] is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness. It’s just tiresome and old. It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes.”
So if this shit is over, what are we supposed to talk about then? What are we supposed to fight about? Are we supposed to talk about the weather? Are we supposed to talk about our own boring lives? Doesn’t Jennifer Aniston know that if the feud that the media won’t let die truly dies, tabloids will crumble, people will lose their jobs and we’ll all aimlessly wander around in this new, confused world?
I see what Jennifer is really doing here. She’s trying to drop St. Angie’s guard. After those two go out for a cordial lunch, they’ll go shopping for those new shiny shoes and as St. Angie goes to try them on, Jennifer will grab that home wrecking hussy harlot whore’s hair and drag her across the floor while screaming, “Gotcha, bitch!” Yeah, that’s what’s going on and I can wait to read all about it in InTouch Weekly’s cover story titled: “Jennifer To Angelina: ‘You’re petty and tiresome!’“
The Critics’ Choice Awards were tonight and you’d think St. Angie Jolie would be busy sneaking into the houses of Oscar voters to suck out their souls and steal their children’s dreams for not throwing her a Best Director nomination, but she didn’t do that shit. She’ll save it for tomorrow night. Instead, she told Brad Pitt to stay his ass home with his bong and she threw on some shit she borrowed from the Dynasty wing of the Smithsonian (there’s a Dynasty wing at the Smithsonian, right?) and gave us some Alexis Carrington. I know, if you were next to me, you’d put on all of your rings and slap me back and forth for comparing anyone to the incomparable Alexis Carrington.
Since St. Angie Jolie did herself up like Alexis Carrington, I was hoping that Jennifer Aniston would serve up some Krystle Carrington and halfway through the show a fountain would be rolled out into the middle of the stage and the two would cat fight in it. Jennifer Aniston didn’t go Krystle Carrington, but she did wear an actual color and wore necklaces that made it look like she bedazzled her tits. Never mind that Jennifer Aniston is so damn orange that she has the complexion of a baked Dorito, I’m into this look. It’s very Prince if Prince was a Mary Kay saleswoman.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Woe is Jennifer Aniston. This week is turning out to be almost as shitty as the week where she lost the 2nd generation Quackers the Duck Beanie Baby on eBay. Jennifer got shut down by that mean asshole Oscar and the wife of her dead first love came for her in the media. What’s next? She’s going to get Chickenpox? Actually, that is highly possible (no, it’s not) since she has actual chickens living in her backyard.
Jennifer Aniston said in a New York Times interview that her first love, actor Daniel McDonald, died from brain cancer and she believes that he is an angel looking over her and gave her the gift of Justin Theroux. If an angel wanted to give Jennifer Aniston the gift of true, everlasting love, wouldn’t they send her a bottomless bottle of tequila? But I’m digressing. If you haven’t read it already, here’s the quote that Jennifer gave to the Times:
“He was my first love — five years we were together. He would have been the one. But I was 25, and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”
If Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy “Yes, I stole a pair of dirty panties from your laundry basket and I sniff them while staring at the wall collage I made using the pictures I took of you leaving your house ” eyes make you want to blow a whistle and run into the arms of the nearest adult, you’re not alone. I’m holding onto my dog with one hand right now. He’s 61 in dog years. He counts as an adult.
After winning the Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie Golden Globe for the acting stuff he’s done in Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton played a little game with reanimated Howdy Doody puppet, Billy Bush, and the unsettlingly peppy Kit Hoover of Access Hollywood. Billy and Kit copied Tina Fey and Amy Poehler by asking St. Angie Jolie’s second husband if he’d rather fuck Laura Jeanne Poon (Hollywood name: Reese Witherspoon) or Jennifer Aniston? Now, I’d go with Laura Jeanne Poon, because you know she’s a hardcore dom. She probably gets crazy, curses at you, spits at your face and says shit like, “Suck on this American citizen clit, bitch!” Jennifer Aniston probably stops halfway through to turn her Care Bear the other way because she doesn’t want it to see her getting down. Billy Bob went with ANISTON and said it’s one of his “lifelong goals.”
Billy and Kit then asked Billy Bob if he’d rather get with Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. Billy Bob spit this out:
“Jennifer Aniston. How many times does it take to get this through your head?”
Billy Bob was definitely doing some grade A trolling, because Billy and Kit said that he kept saying Jennifer Aniston’s name after every single question they asked no matter what the question was. Billy and Kit also claim that they completely forgot that Billy Bob was once bonded in blood with St. Angie Jolie. Please. I know that NBC replaced Billy and Kit’s brains with a machine that only produces happy, peppy thoughts, but they knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is using her Smart Water money to have a time machine built so she can go back to the year 2000 and bone Billy Bob before screaming at Angie, “I fucked your husband first, tramp!”
Here’s Billy Bob working those plugs while doing the Golden Globes party circuit with his partner Connie Angland.
If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.
First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:
As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:
Jennifer Aniston Admits That The Giant-Ass Engagement Ring Justin Theroux Gave Her Isn’t Exactly Her Style
I’ve always been a sucker for a gremlin-sized diamond ring. I like ‘em big and gaudy and glassy and cheap-looking (I also thought that Bonnie Rumsfield from The ‘Burbs was the epitome of high class when I was a little girl), which is why I’ve always liked the 78-carat diamond behemoth engagement ring Justin Theroux gave to Jennifer Aniston. It’s so classy, in an exquisite Florida scented candle tycoon sort of way. However, it sounds like Jennifer Aniston has a different definition of classy than I do, because she tells The New York Times (via People) that it’s not really her thing.
During the same interview where Jennifer said that Justin is a gift sent to her from one of her exes, she also sort of alludes to the fact that her ex might have forgotten to send her a dude with good taste by describing the engagement ring he gave her as follows:
“It’s a rock, I know. He rocked it up. It took me a while to get used to it. I’m not a diamond girl. I’m more Indian jewelry and stuff.”
You hear that Justin? It’s not too late to take it back and pick out something nice at Namaste Depot. But I think I understand what she’s saying; some people just can’t handle the type of ring that could potentially sprain your wrist. A huge-ass ring like Jen’s is meant for a hand that does dick-all all day, like those belonging to fancy society wives, professional pretty people, aspiring gold diggers, full-time glamorous humans, and Joan Collins.
Justin needs to remember that he didn’t need to go overboard in the ring department just because her first husband was Brad Pitt. Brad may be a big-time movie star, but he was also stoned for 90% of their marriage, so as long as Justin doesn’t give her an onion ring (then ask for it back, because he’s got a wicked case of “snack fever“), I think he’ll be fine.
Well, one thing is for sure – his double-stuffed Pillsbury dough bulge is a gift from God.
During an interview with The New York Times, Jennifer Aniston shared a sort of sweet/sort of spooky theory about one of her ex-boyfriends and her current piece Justin Theroux. After being asked a bunch of questions about the paps and the tabloids and her ex-husband Brad Pitt (which would bring this week’s tally up to…), Jenny changed the subject and decided to talk about her “first love”, a guy she dated for 5 years who later passed away from a brain tumor. Apparently she didn’t fully appreciate him at the time, but 20 years later, she thinks maybe she’s been given a second chance, courtesy of her ex:
“He would have been the one. But I was 25, and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”
I’ve never been to Heaven, so I have no idea what it’s like. But I can imagine it gets boring sometimes (it’s literally filled with old people, and old people spend 87% of the day napping) and you have to make your own fun. So why not set your exes up with hot younger dudes? It’s the nice thing to do, and you are an angel, after all. Plus I’m sure that all that charity work gets you some major points with Jesus, and that’s never a bad thing.
I should certainly hope so; it’s only been a damn decade. Although imagine if she was still like “OMG such sad, please don’t ask – wound is still too new“? She’d basically be my friend’s melodramatic aunt who opens every conversation by reminding you that she just got divorced, even though her divorce papers have been tucked inside an old TV Guide with Steve Urkel on the cover since 1997. And yes, she makes the same crazy-eyed face Jennifer Aniston is making above every time she brings it up.
But Jennifer Aniston isn’t my friend’s divorce-obsessed aunt, apparently. During an interview with CBS Sunday Morning, Jenny was asked about all the BS tabloids who still want to talk about the drama surrounding her 2005 divorce from Brad Pitt, specifically if it bothers her that people are still bringing that shit up 10 years later. According to Jenny, Jenny don’t care:
“I don’t find it painful. I think it’s a narrative that follows you because it’s an interesting headline. It’s more of a media-driven topic.”
Meanwhile in a haunted castle high atop a dark mountain, a scheming St. Angie Jolie is plotting how to the spotlight away from Jennifer Aniston at the Golden Globes this Sunday night, just like how she thoughtlessly stole her husband years before – is a sentence that is probably being typed out right now by an intern at a tabloid somewhere.
I wish Jennifer would teach a class in how to be so zen about your exes. I have a couple exes who I’m on good terms with (aka I don’t curse the ground they walk on), but I also have 2 or 3 that did me dirty, and the mere mention of their names still makes my right eye twitch. I don’t know what Jennifer Aniston would suggest, but I hope it’s either booze or snuggling into a soft, pillowy Justin Theroux-sized pants bulge.