Tom Cruise Arrived On The Red Carpet For The Premiere Of “Top Gun: Maverick” In A Helicopter

It took 36 years, but Tom Cruise has finally busted his Top Gun: Maverick nut all over the windshield of his F-14 Tomcat, which is probably why he had to fly onto the red carpet for yesterday’s premiere in a helicopter. Tom’s jizz is filled with thetens (that’s how he sheds them) which, if you’ve ever seen a mirror in a bathroom at a Scientology Center, you know are next to impossible to remove. So Tom’s Tomcat probably had to be decommissioned. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the four-hour-long red carpet extravaganza was held in San Diego aboard the USS Midway, a retired aircraft carrier. This means I can finally be honorably discharged, WITH DISTINCTION, for my tireless dedication to making up goof names for Top Gun 2: Secrets of The Bottom Drawer. And with that, I am out. May you have fair winds and following seas. I’ll take my 21-gun salute to go.

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The First Full Trailer For “Top Gun: Maverick” Is Here

Tom Cruise proves just how flexible he is in the latest trailer for Top Gun 2: The Ego Has Landed with an impressive display of autofellacio. As with the teaser trailer we got back in July, this new trailer is all about how rad Tom Cruise is. He’s not just a maverick flying by the seat of his stunt butt, he’s THE Maverick. Top Gun 2: Cockpit Tease features Tom engaging in various acts of speed while a voice-over blows smoke up his ass. Guys, his exploits…………(wait for it)………..(wait for it)………(I hope you went to the bathroom first because)…… (wait for it)……….(almost there)……. (here it comes)……….(almost there)……are legendary.

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Kelly McGillis Wasn’t Asked To Be In “Top Gun 2: Maverick” But Thinks She’s Too Old And Fat Anyway

I doubt anybody will be surprised to learn that 62-year-old Kelly McGillis will not be having steamy, curtain billowing, silhouette sex with Tom Cruise in the upcoming Top Gun 2: The Legend Of Maverick’s Lifts. But can you believe they never even asked her to participate? I mean, yes, it’s not surprising, but it is exceedingly rude. Good thing Kelly has neither the time nor the inclination to get anywhere near the danger zone again.

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Jon Hamm Will Squeeze The Hammaconda Into A “Top Gun” Flight Suit

As if the addition of Miles Teller didn’t add enough douche bro fumes to the upcoming reboot of Top Gun, the ghost of Jon Hamm’s fraternity hazing past will also be haunting the set. Deadline reports that in addition to Jon, Ed Harris, and Lewis Pullman (son of MY president Bill Pullman), will also be joining the cast of Top Gun 2: Look Who’s Topping.

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Jennifer Connelly Is Going To Be In The “Top Gun” Sequel

Of all the Top Gun sequel news I was hoping for, the biggest was that I’d hear Kelly McGillis would return as the no-nonsense instructor of a flight school called Take Your Own Damn Breath Away. But since that’s probably not ever going to happen, I’ll take this news as a decent substitute. Tom Cruise ran into Entertainment Tonight at the Washington, D.C. premiere of Mission: Impossible – Fallout over the weekend, and he confirmed that Jennifer Connelly will be in Top Gun: Maverick.

Tom said this about Jennifer joining the cast:

“Look, she’s a great actress, obviously. When you see the film, you’ll see why she’s perfect for it. She has such a very talented, very vibrant, and, you know, see we’re just going to have a great cast. Gonna be a lot of fun.”

We already know that Tom is back as Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, Val Kilmer  is playing Iceman again, while Miles Teller has been cast to play dead Goose’s son, Goose Jr.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer is likely playing a single mother who runs a local bar near the Navy base. Tom Cruise has a tendency to play opposite of much-younger love interests, and Jennifer Connelly is 47 (Tom is 56). A mere nine-year age difference would surely break Tom’s brain. So I’m going to assume Jennifer’s character’s backstory is that she’s a single mom who had a one-night stand back in the ’80s with Maverick, who left her to raise a kid named Bingo on her own while she slung punny Naval-themed drinks. She tried many times over the years to tie Maverick’s cockpit down, but she just couldn’t compete with his first love: shirtless volleyball games.

Pic: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By The Leathah Twins

Louis Vuitton threw a party at the Louvre in Paris last night to celebrate their collaboration with Jeff Koons. Jeff Koons designed a line of tacky and hideous bags for them and you can see some of them here, but really, it just looks like the Louvre wiped its asshole with Louis Vuitton purses. The knock-offs are probably going to look better.

Louis Vuitton’s regulars, like Michelle Williams, Jennifer Connelly and Miranda Kerr, came out and so did Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston. After the party, Justin and Jennifer must have been planning to take a time machine back to the 90s to troll clubs for a third. Because they are giving me “90s swingers on a mission” hotness. They look like rejected Bret Easton Ellis characters.

Pulling off leather pants isn’t easy (and I mean that in more ways than one) and Justin isn’t doing it, but I’m still loving this look. Justin looks like that douche at the club whose got a thick cloud of Acqua di Gio following him and who tells the chicks that he’s an exotic car dealer when he’s really a salesman-in-training at a Hyundai dealership. The Roxbury Guys would look at him like, “What an asshole.”

Justin’s bulge isn’t as BOOM as it has been in the past, but it does sort of look like two small guinea pigs spooning in a trash bag.

I bet the line that Justin heard the most all night was, “I can’t wait to see you in paste pants later.”

And here’s more pictures from last night including Jennifer Connelly who covered herself with four layers of nope.

Pics: FameFlynet