On Friday’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens were challenged to film a parody of Beverly Hills, 90210 called Beverly Hills, 9021-HO. It was coached and judged by 90210 stars Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth. I hope RuPaul remembered to hire an armed guard to keep watch over the $100,000 prize; you can’t take any chances leaving Tori around that much money.
Jennie Garth and her ex-husband Peter Facinelli both got engaged to their new pieces a month apart, but it is she who has beat him to the wedding day altar. (Yes, I’ve created a fake wedding day race between Jennie Garth and Peter Felchanelly, because such is my non-life.)
People says that forever-Kelly-Taylor-to-me married actor Dave Abrams, her man of 8 months, at her ranch in Los Olivos, CA last night. (That ranch is not to be confused with the black house she renovated on her HGTV show, which yes, I watched.) Jennie and Dave met on a blind date and liked each other enough to get engaged in April. Jennie has been married twice before.
In case you care about the details of Jennie Garth’s third wedding, UsWeekly says that she wore a dress, her three daughters with Peter Facinelli wore flowers crowns, guests sat on vintage wooden church pews, white swans floated in the pool and the altar was white wood and covered with flowers. So Jennie’s wedding was basically the shabbychicwedding hashtag on Pinterest.
The bad part about Jennie’s wedding is that apparently Tori Spelling was the only Beverly Hills, 90210 trick there! And you know Tori was seen leaving the wedding with a cardboard box full of centerpieces she plans to sell at a yard sale. I really can’t with that mess Kelly Taylor for throwing a wedding and not inviting everyone from 90210. I’m going to choose to believe that UsWeekly got it wrong and that they were all there and recreated this amazing dance scene by the swan-filled pool at the reception.
Just like Clare Arnold’s wonk eye, my soul dramatically fell to the side yesterday when a rumor went around that Kelly Taylor was rubbing her bull dozer vagina all over Dylan McKay’s California Raisin face. It looks like that rumor was just a STUNT QUEEN move to promote the sitcom that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are shopping around.
Jennie’s rep once again told Rumor Fix that she’s not screwing on Luke and they’re just working on some dumb TV show together. The rep said, “They have been spending a lot of time together recently because the two are working on developing a TV sitcom together. It will be a multi-camera half hour show, currently we have producers and writers and are meeting with networks.”
Gross. The only thing worse than Jennie and Luke being an actual couple is them making a baby together in the form of a TV show that will obviously play on TVLand (aka the retirement home for 90s TV stars). I just want to take Jennie and Luke’s TV show for a walk in the park and say to it, “Why are you doing this to me?! I hate you! Never show up on my TV again!“
We’ve all seen this episode a million times, but I guess Kelly Taylor is really into re-living the reruns, because that stringy-haired, Contempo Casuals-wearing, home-wrecking klepto skank is at it again. The literary journal of 100% truthiness that is The National Enquirer (via Page Six) says that while shooting that piece of crap Old Navy commercial, Jennie Garth and Luke Perry found love in a Brenda Walsh-less place. Ever since then, Kelly Taylor has been riding Dylan McKay and I bet that when she stares deep into his greasy tenhead, she sees Brenda Walsh winking back at her. Some source (aka a publicist for Old Navy using a pay phone at the Peach Pit) said this about Kelly and Dylan’s reunion:
“Since seeing Luke again, Jennie has fallen in love with him and Luke feels the same. There is an electricity between them that has been revived after all these years. It just happened.”
That electricity isn’t from chemistry, it’s from Brenda Walsh burning them with her bitch eyes. Jennie’s rep denies all of this and says she’s just friends with Luke, but whatever. I know how that Dylan-jacking whore operates. Let Kelly have her fun while she can, because we all know how this ends. Yes, it ends with me finally checking into a mental hospital to seek treatment for not letting go of TV shows from the 90s, but it also ends like this:
Jennie: What are you doing for Labor Day?
Luke: Going to Baja.
Psychologists have always said that the most therapeutic way of dealing with your marriage flatlining is to air out all your chapped emotions on the back alley clothesline that is reality TV. So that’s why on an episode of Jennie Garth: A Little Bit Of Country, Kelly Taylor wept her feelings out during a group therapy session with some of her girlfriends. The clip is over at People and if you watch it you’ll know it was a SERIOUS group therapy session, because they’re sitting on a rug while surrounded by floor pillows. A group of women + floor pillows = the purging of real emotions. Someone should make a Tumblr about that.
Kelly Taylor tells the floor pillow therapist that after the vampire doctor from Twatlight and the douche doctor from Nurse Jackie left her, she blamed herself for not being good enough for him:
“I think with any sort of rejection, you’re angry that you weren’t enough for that person. So I don’t know if I’m angry at myself for not being enough, or if I’m angry at him for not considering me to be enough.
This really threw me for a loop. It’s weird and sad, but I really realized through this whole experience how much I loved him, how deeply I loved him and how deeply I loved us.”
Is Kelly Taylor really saying that she’s not good enough for a bitch who was in Twatlight? She’s not good enough for a dude who covered his face in body glitter and baby powder for a check?! Kelly needs to look in the mirror and tell herself that she’s the most popular girl at West Bev, drives the most pristine red BMW convertible and can buy any blazer at Judy’s, even the ones not hanging on the sale rack. Then Kelly needs to steal another one of Brenda Walsh’s pieces. I will forever be on Team Brenda, but I understand when a ho needs to snatch a bitch away to prove to herself that she’s still got it. I know, I give such wonderful pro-feminist advice. I should have my own floor pillow therapy sessions.
Hiya. Michael K. got himself into some legal trouble back home for trying to multi-task his desire for both massive amounts of In-N-Out burgers AND massive amounts of dick. After all, he’s only home for two weeks. Unfortunately he’s learned that you can’t just take a giant sack of burgers into the men’s room and drill a glory hole in the stall to save time. So he asked me to write a couple of posts while he’s busy demanding multiple body cavity searches from his jailers. Good to be back! I love this place!
Kelly Taylor’s rebounding from her split with Peter Facinelli by continuing plans to star in a reality show. The premise? Jennie Garth:
Fuck That Whore Brenda Little Bit Country (click here for a clip) has her moving to a ranch in the wilds of California (*eye roll*) with her kids and trying to start over in the “country.” Apparently, the 2nd meanest girl in West Beverly High grew up on a ranch before Aaron Spelling raised her up. Jennie will deal with her marriage imploding by brushing horsey manes and jerking udders. Or directing the nanny to.
Jennie and Peter were supposed to star in this shitshow together and it was originally called I Love Jennie. Obviously that title is no longer accurate. You can’t love Jennie and fuck Taylor!
Are reality show deals just part of alimony now?