Somebody Pulled A Citizen’s Arrest On Jenna Jameson’s Ass Last Night

Somebody in Newport Beach, CA lived out one of my fantasies last night by busting a CITIZEN’S ARREST on a bitch. That bitch was Jenna Jameson and surprisingly, she wasn’t citizen’s arrested for impersonating a methed-out moray eel. Jenna Jameson was arrested for allegedly beating on a trick.

TMZ says that Flotsam and Jetsam’s long-lost cracked out sister was hanging out on the Balboa Peninsula when she got into some kind of altercation with someone. The altercation led to Jenna allegedly beating on that trick and that led to the trick dropping a citizen’s arrest on her ass. The alleged victim then got a police officer’s attention and Jenna was arrested for real. She was cited for battery and released. (Insert your own “she also needs to be cited for battering her coochie repeatedly” joke here.)

We all know Jenna Jameson as an extremely classy, law-abiding and graceful lady of elegance, so this is extremely out of character for her. Jenna’s pristine reputation is tarnished forever.

But seriously, Jenna Jameson is turning 39 in a couple of days, so she’s way too old to be throwing fists at whores on the boardwalk. 39-year-old mothers shouldn’t be beating up bitches out in public like that. 39-year-old mothers should be drunkenly beating up another mother during her child’s birthday party in her backyard. I mean, really, Jenna, grow up.

We Have Miley Cyrus To Blame For This Mess

Ever since Miley Cyrus took a Flowbee, electric clippers and a few gallons of peroxide to her hair, semi-famous hos think they can do it too. Case in point: noted Romney supporter Jenna Jameson.

Looking almost more broke down than Brigitte Nielsen making mouth love to a bottle of Popov vodka on a patch of grass in a Studio City park, Jenna Jameson hosted an AVN after-party at Tabu in Las Vegas last night. Jenna came out with a head full of NO. Bitch looks like a plastic snake trying to swallow the head of a cockatoo.

Jenna Jameson used to look like the charbroiled corpse of a wonk-eyed iguana, so the good news is that she doesn’t completely look like that anymore. The bad news is that hair. According to my research (aka a three second Google search), Jenna Jameson was one of the first women to ever make a million dollars for sucking and fucking dick on camera. Jenna Jameson is a peen-slurping vanguard! Jenna Jameson is part of history. But yet here she is copying Miley Cyrus? This is the worst mistake Jenna Jameson has made ever this decade this year this month this week in the past 48 hours.

Jenna Jameson On Why She’s Endorsing Mitt Romney

When us Americans go to vote for HBIC of the US this November, I know most of us are going to ask ourselves “WIJJVF: Who Is Jenna Jameson Voting For?” before we cast our vote. Well, now you know the answer to that question. Minutes before Jenna James twerked her pussy for dollars at a strip club in San Francisco, she told CBS SF (via Gawker) that she’s all in it for Mitt. Jenna endorsed Hillary Clinton during the 2008 election, but sometime between then and now she realized that voting Republican is the best thing to do for the only thing she cares about: MONAY, HONAY!

“I’m very looking forward to a Republican being back in office,” Jameson said while sipping champagne in a VIP room at Gold Club in the city’s South of Market neighborhood. “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.”

And with that, Jenna just won Romney GOOPY Paltrow’s vote too.

Obama should just play the I QUIT THIS BITCH card right now, because now that Romney has won the coveted Jenna Jameson endorsement, this shit is wrapped up. Jenna seems so happy about this decision, so nobody tell her that at one time, Mitt Romney wanted to outlaw her “gobbling dicks for dollars” game. Shh!

Jenna Jameson Arrested For Riding A Pole

It wouldn’t be Memorial Day weekend without dumb bitches getting into their stars n’ stripes drankin’ thongs, guzzling down a 12-pack of Natty Light, and driving their slutmobiles into telephones poles. God bless America, hunty.

Porn czarina Jenna Jameson got pinched for DUI last night. TMZ sez her drunk and whorey car made out with a cold and withholding telephone pole around 1:30 AM. Jenna must have failed to say her ABCs backwards so she was handcuffed on suspicion of DUI. Much like Jenna’s, her car’s vagine is always hungry for something long, tall and stiff.

It’s a “misdemeanor suspicion of DUI” so she’s probably already been released into the wild.

In her defense, I’m guessing the ABCs aren’t in her repertoire anyways. She probably wasn’t even drunk! Her eyes are sinking into the middle of her face so it’s not like she can see the road at night times! Do we really think Jenna can’t handle her hooch?

Seriously, though, call a fucking cab. Or get on the bus. We’ve all experienced the joys of public transportation whilst inebriated. You make so many new friends. They’re fine with you making a vom puddle. They can just step over it and wish you well.

It’s awesome times to be back with you sexy fucks. Whenever Michael K.’s slut ass asks me, I feel a burst in my heart. It’s probably the deep-fried Yodels.

Chelsea Handler Stomped All Over 50 Cent’s Heart

Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent never seriously came out and said that they’ve been rubbing their nipples against each other, but UsWeekly is saying that they were down low fuck partners at one point. Chelsea has since moved on to Uma Thurman’s tossed piece, Andre Balazs, and 50 Cent has been left to clean up the broken pieces of his piggy bank heart. A source says that 50 Cent got the leaky tingles when thinking about all the things he could do with the bulging skinny peen on her forehead, but Chelsea didn’t feel the same way. Chelsea took a sledgehammer to 50’s open heart.

The source went on to say that Chelsea is on new dick, so when 50 sent her a bunch of gifts for Christmas, “she sent them back. She put a note on one that said, ‘I can buy my own gifts.‘” Chelsea and 50 were both in Sundance recently, but they stayed away from each other. 50 is still heartbroken over how Chelsea has treated him.

Fuck me with a stack of quarters. Like 50 Pennies is really having a Jennifer Aniston moment over Chelsea sending his stupid presents back? Yes, the image of 50 bundled up in his Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit and quietly weeping over a framed picture of Chelsea while nibbling on pieces of raw Pillsbury cinnamon roll dough is so real I can practically touch. Please. George Washington Squared has the attention span of an ADD-ridden toddler on crack. Anybody who has spent time on his Twitter page knows this. So 50 probably got sad for a quick minute before the screensaver in his head kicked in and he moved on to the next shit.

In other Chelsea news, Jenna Jameson Tweeted this last night:

HuffPo thinks that a “Jenna Jameson is raunchy” comment from Chelsea is what triggered this swift kick to the vag bone. But are we sure that Jenna didn’t mean this as a compliment? I mean, Chelsea Handler is 35 (we’re still waiting to see the receipts for that one) and Jenna Jameson is 36, so who in parched clit hell is she calling old? AND Jenna Jameson made her fortune from being one of the biggest professional whores of all professional whores. And yes, you could stuff Chelsea into a bag of dehydrated apricots at Trader Joe’s and nobody would know the difference, but Jenna’s pussy could get a second job at Home Depot as a rented sander. So again, this Tweet must be a “Welcome to the Club” air kiss from Jenna.

Woe Is Jenna Jameson, Part II

When it rains it pours for Jenna Jameson. Specifically, it rained baby barf all over her last night. Just a few days after Jenna Jameson’s husband Baby Huey got arrested for allegedly getting violent on her ass, she was taken to the hospital via ambulance after one of her twin sons started spewing the insides of his stomach all over the place. You would think that Jenna is used to being sprayed…Okay, I’ll stop!

Jenna tells TMZ that her son Journey started projectile vomiting at 11 at night. Jenna was home by herself, so she decided to call 911. The paramedics shuffled Jenna and her son off to the hospital, where Journey was given fluids before going home a couple of hours later. The doctors told Jenna her son probably has the stomach flu.

Hm. While the doctors think her son’s vom party was a direct result of him having the flu, I think it was the exact moment he realized his name is fucking JOURNEY. Dude just couldn’t hold on to that feeling.