Layla Grant From “Nashville” Is Jem

If I lay a fart and someone asks me, “Did you fart?”, I’ll gladly admit it. But if someone asks me if I watch Nashville, I will pause for a minute while I’m deciding if I want to tell the truth and bring shame upon myself (and that’s saying a lot) and my family. I love Nashville, even though I sometimes don’t admit it, and that is why this news has made me put my hands over my childhood’s eyes while screaming, “DON’T READ THIS! IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!”

The Hollywood Reporter says that the most important cinematic event of our time, the Jem and the Holograms movie, has already started shooting and producers have announced who’s playing Jem and the Holograms. Aubrey Peeples is Jem. Aubrey plays Layla Grant on Nashville and next to that pill-popping ostrich Scarlett, she’s the most annoying character on that shit. Layla is some reality show runner-up who is so damn dumb that she doesn’t realize her country singer boyfriend loves dick and is using her as a beard. So basically, Layla’s based on Taylor Swift. And now Layla’s going to be Jem.

WHYYYYYYYY???????????????????????????

Producers also announced that a bunch of girls I’ve never heard of will play the Holograms. Stefanie Scott is Kimber, Aurora Perrineau is Shana and Hayley Kiyoko is Aja.

The truth is, who really cares who plays Jem. It’s all about Pizzazz and if they announce that Pizzazz will be played by a trick named Ashley Greene or a trick named Vanessa Hudgens, Hollywood will drown in the slaughtered bodies of the childhoods of every ho who grew up in the 80s.

The teaser poster is after the cut and it makes Jem and the Holograms look like a low-budget indie thriller directed by someone who thinks they’re the next Soderbergh. Why so serious?  Continue reading

The Greatest News In The Universe And Beyond: A Jem And The Holograms Movie Is Happening

Fred Phelps is dead, there’s a Bea Arthur iPhone game, the world has been gifted with a boy pussy anthem and Hollywood is making a Jem and the Holograms movie! It’s not only the first day of Spring and International Day of Happiness, it’s also International Gay Day!

I don’t know how I’m typing this, because as soon as I read the headline, “Jon M. Chu is Directing a Jem and the Holograms Film,” I burst into a cloud of star-shaped pink glitter. The day every child of the 80s has been waiting for ever since Jem and the Holograms (and more importantly, my hot bitch idols The Misfits) disappeared off of our TV screens in 1988 has FINALLY arrived. In an announcement that is the video equivalent of God saying, “See, I answer your prayers sometimes,” director Jon M. Chu and producers Jason Blum and Scooter Braun say that they’re making a Jem movie and are asking fans for creative ideas. I hate Scooter Braun for helping to create the urethra plug known as Justin Bieber, but I hate him a little less today. Scooter Braun has somewhat atoned for his sins by trying to make this happen (but he’ll probably fuck it up):

I have 2 issues with this:

1. Jon M. Chu directed G.I. Joe: Retaliation and anybody who rented that mess on VOD and ten minutes in thought to themselves, “I should’ve spent that money on Monster Tacos from Jack in the Box instead,” knows how that turned out.

2. They are moving it to modern day. How can they take what is arguably the Hope Diamond of the 80s and 2014-ize it? Does my soul really want to be exposed to a Jem movie where all the songs are EDM, she communicates with Synergy through FaceTime and her pink star earring is an iEarring by Apple? A Jem movie NEEDS to be made, so I will deal with it.

My dream cast is obvious (Stacey Q in practically every role), so here’s my nightmare cast, which will probably end up being the real cast since Scooter Braun is involved:

Jem / Jerrica Benton – Ke$hit
Kimber Benton – Taylor Swift
Aja Leith – In the cartoon she’s Asian, which means they’ll cast Katy Perry
Shana Elmsford – In the cartoon she’s black, which means they’ll cast Miley Cyrus
Carmen “Raya” Alonso – Selena Gomez

Pizzazz – Emma Roberts
Roxy – Vanessa Hudgens
Stormer – Lorde
Jetta – Jessie J

Synergy – A hologram based on Katherine Heigl and voiced by Goopy Paltrow

But whatever, I’m still going to celebrate with a song!

And another!