That low-budget basic bitch ABC Family movie that is committing fraud by calling itself Jem and the Holograms has turned out to be a bigger and stinkier turd than expected. If I could time travel back to 1985, I’d tell my young, innocent, little self to just stay in bed for most of 2015. Just pull the covers over your head and don’t turn on the TV or look at something called the Internet. “It’s for your own good!” is what I’d scream at my young self as my young self played with a Pizzazz doll.
Those of us hos from the 80s who were planning to meet with lawyers this morning to discuss suing Universal Pictures for viciously defaming the image of Jem by turning her into an annoying ABC Family movie character, don’t even have to bother. Universal got their punishment, because Jem and the Holograms was an even bigger flop than everyone predicted.
Box Office Mojo says that the entire US box office looked like the inside of a backed-up toilet in a Taco Bell bathroom. It was a complete shit show. The Last Witch Hunter, Rock the Kasbah, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension and Steve Jobs (which opened in wide release) all ended up in the sewer. But the biggest sinking turd was Jem. Some box office expert types guessed that Jem would make around $5 million in its opening weekend, but when tumbleweeds swept into the theaters showing it on Thursday night, they figured it would make $3 million. It didn’t even make half that. It brought in $1.32 million in 2,413 theaters, making it one of the biggest wide-release bombs in box office history. In this GIF, Pizzazz is playing the part of the box office and Lin-Z is playing the part of the Jem movie.
Buzzfeed says that Jem made $547 per theater for the entire weekend and that earned it the title of the third worst opening weekend ever for a first-run movie debuting in more than 2,000 theaters. Only the 2008 cartoon movie Delgo (whatever that is) and 2012’s Oogieloves did worse. But unlike those two flops, Jem was released by a major studio. If you want to know what the weekend’s box office looked like, just Google “a picture of a pile of poop.” Or look at this:
1. The Martian – $15,900,000
2. Goosebumps – $15,500,000
3. Bridge of Spies – $11,365,000
4. The Last Witch Hunter – $10,825,000
5. Hotel Transylvania 2 – $9,000,000
6. Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension – $8,200,000
7. Steve Jobs – $7,270,000
8. Crimson Peak – $5,560,000
9. The Intern – $3,855,000
10. Sicario – $2,950,000
11. Woodlawn – $2,550,000
12. Pan – $2,540,000
13. Rock The Kasbah – $1,509,816
14. Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials – $1,425,000
15. Jem and the Holograms – $1,320,000
Maybe this will finally teach Hollywood that bad things happen when you ruin childhoods by turning a beloved classic into something that has nothing to do with the original story. Yeah, right. I’m sure those evil bitches will announce that they’re rebooting Beverly Hills Teens as a “sci-fi mystery adventure” titled Calabasas Teens, which will star the Smith kids.
The “Jem And The Holograms” Movie Is Probably Going To Truly, Truly Flop At The Box Office This Weekend
I can’t bring myself to see the movie that’s using the name Jem and the Holograms as its title, because it’s like paying to see the mutilated, butchered-up and shit-upon body of one of your old childhood friends (that you actually liked) and there’s not a popcorn bag big enough to hold all of the watery drops of sadness that’d squirt out of my eyeholes. Well, so far, it looks like I’m not alone, because every theater that showed a sneak peak of it last night didn’t even make enough money to buy all the cleaning supplies they’ll need to cleanse their screens of Jem’s butchered remains.
Reminder: This is what Syngery looked like in the Jem and the Holograms cartoon.
My thoughts exactly, Jem. Cry time, Synergy!
The newest trailer for the blasphemous and hurtful Jem and the Holograms movie was shat up onto the Internet today and for the first time we see what Synergy looks like. They took an iris and pupil-free digital goddess and turned her into some discount PC-only webcam your auntie bought on clearance at Brookstone for you for Christmas. Synergy is now just some cheap ass home movie projector. How can they turn a work of art into that crap? It’s as if someone showed you a lump of cold shit and told you that was their interpretation of Monet’s “Water Lilies.”
It feels like the makers of this cinematic bullet headed straight for the heart of 80s childhoods heard everyone scream, “THIS IS NOT MY JEM!“, after the first diarrhea puddle of a trailer was released and so they did some quick re-shoots to Jem-ify it more. It still looks like an ABC Family movie that was made for 12-year-old One Direction fans who have no idea what a Jem is.
The makers of this should be arrested and tried for the first-degree murders of Jem and Synergy!
The Hollywood Reporter reports that the Jem and the Holograms movie is FINALLY getting some real star power. Aubrey Peeples, who plays unknowing beard Layla Grant on Nashville, is Jem and a bunch of other unknowns are the Holograms, so the producers sat around and realized that they need some true bright shining star power to sell this shit. So they pretended it was the 90s again and cast Juliette Lewis! And then they pretended it was the 80s again and cast Molly Ringwald!
It was already reported that the only Scientologist I can stand, Juliette Lewis, is playing an unknown role and yesterday the THR said that Molly Ringwald has joined the cast in an unknown role. Shooting is happening right now in L.A.
Warning: If you weren’t an 80s ho who watched Jem, then the following may be as foreign to you as regular English words are to Kendull Jenner.
Everyone’s speculating that Juliette Lewis is playing Synergy, but sometime Dlisted contributor Lahoma told me that he heard (yes, we’re physically grown adults who gossip about Jem and no, we’re not ashamed) that she’s playing a female version of Jerrica Benton’s rival Eric Raymond. There’s also speculation that Molly Ringwald is playing Countess Danielle Du Voisin. But I think Molly is playing Synergy and I pray to any God who has mercy on my soul that Juliette Lewis is playing Pizzazz. I’m hoping that in the Jem movie, The Misfits are a group of seasoned, bitter bitches who are jealous of Jem’s youth and beauty. About 10 minutes into the movie, they destroy Jem and all of the Holograms and the rest of the movie is about their global takeover. It’s the only way that the Jem movie won’t be a pile of pink shit covered in star-shaped purple glitter.
And again, I am a grown adult who is emotionally invested in a movie about an 80s cartoon.
If I lay a fart and someone asks me, “Did you fart?”, I’ll gladly admit it. But if someone asks me if I watch Nashville, I will pause for a minute while I’m deciding if I want to tell the truth and bring shame upon myself (and that’s saying a lot) and my family. I love Nashville, even though I sometimes don’t admit it, and that is why this news has made me put my hands over my childhood’s eyes while screaming, “DON’T READ THIS! IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!”
The Hollywood Reporter says that the most important cinematic event of our time, the Jem and the Holograms movie, has already started shooting and producers have announced who’s playing Jem and the Holograms. Aubrey Peeples is Jem. Aubrey plays Layla Grant on Nashville and next to that pill-popping ostrich Scarlett, she’s the most annoying character on that shit. Layla is some reality show runner-up who is so damn dumb that she doesn’t realize her country singer boyfriend loves dick and is using her as a beard. So basically, Layla’s based on Taylor Swift. And now Layla’s going to be Jem.
Producers also announced that a bunch of girls I’ve never heard of will play the Holograms. Stefanie Scott is Kimber, Aurora Perrineau is Shana and Hayley Kiyoko is Aja.
The truth is, who really cares who plays Jem. It’s all about Pizzazz and if they announce that Pizzazz will be played by a trick named Ashley Greene or a trick named Vanessa Hudgens, Hollywood will drown in the slaughtered bodies of the childhoods of every ho who grew up in the 80s.
The teaser poster is after the cut and it makes Jem and the Holograms look like a low-budget indie thriller directed by someone who thinks they’re the next Soderbergh. Why so serious? Continue reading