We all know the basic Jurassic Park formula by now: Take one part remote island, one part ego driven scientist, one part scary monsters, one part greedy corporate entity, one part dashing hero, one part imperiled children, one part screaming lady and one part Jeff Goldblum. Add a dash of sweeping music and you’ve got yourself a blockbuster! But really, there are only so many times this formula is going to work. Sooner or later you have gotta change it up. We’re now on the 5th iteration with Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom whose tag line is “Life, Uh, Finds a Way”, let’s see if they’ve monkeyed with the formula.
64-year-old Jeff Goldblum, and his 34-year-old wife Emilie Livingston, had another kid to go with their 21-month-old son, Charlie Ocean. Emilie announced the birth of River Joe Goldblum on her Instagram (via People) yesterday.
Entertainment Weekly released a ton of pictures from Marvel’s newest cinematic nerd Viagra, Thor: Ragamuffinorsomething, and they should’ve put a giant warning on the cover. Because it looks like Thor went down to the nearest Supercuts and got the haircut that every straight guy named Brian or John gets before a job interview. That golden luscious mane is Thor and Thor is that golden luscious mane. Without it he looks like some regular guy wearing a Thor costume from Halloween Town to Comic-Con. Okay, a regular guy with muscles the size of pantyhose stuffed with cantaloupes, but still a regular guy.
I’m no nerd and Thor’s hair is still emotionally upsetting to me. It’s like when Felicity cut her hair. The stocks for brushes and leave-in conditioners plummeted! The only way I’ll be okay with Thor’s basic ass haircut is if we find out that shifty Loki could no longer fight the jealousy he felt over Thor’s gorgeous locks, and one night he cut that mane as Thor slept and made a wig out of it. And Loki better wear that wig throughout the whole damn movie.
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
While many people in the country have a freshly-microwaved butt plug up their culos to keep from icicles forming on their assholes (and yes, that includes us delicates in California where it’s the hypothermia-inducing temperature of 65 degrees), Jeff Goldblum is sunning his 64-year-old nipples in Hawaii while on vacation with his knocked-up wife Emilie Livingston and their 17-month-old son Charlie Ocean (zero relation to Frank or Billy, I think).
Because of his 1960s business man eyeglasses and those highly conservative swim trunks (if there’s no EVB, extremely visible bulge, then that shit is pilgrim territory), Jeff Goldblum just needs a tie and he’d be ready for a serious business meeting on the beach.
And if you need to reheat your butt plug in the microwave, you can keep your down-low parts warm by looking at these pictures of Jeff Goldblum struttin’ his hot Jar Jar Binks body around the beach. And yes, yes I would. I mean, Jeff, not Jar Jar. Although, at this point, I’d probably do both.
Roland Emmerich’s movie about the Stonewall riots was an extra chunky skid mark in the eyes of most critics and it was a total flop at the box office. One of that shit show’s biggest criticism was that it was like the 1969 Stonewall riots as seen through the eyes of an Abercrombie & Fitch marketing executive. The movie focused on a pretty-faced young white boy and pushed the black and Latino activists into the background. Someone even started a petition to boycott that mess. It got almost 25,000 signatures. Director Roland Emmerich defended his Stonewall movie then, and he’s still defending the hell out of it.