Category: Jay-Z

Beyonce Gave Birth To A Twin Boy And Girl, There’s A “Minor Issue”

June 18, 2017 / Posted by:

I was in my usual place when Beyonce gave birth to a twin boy and girl on Monday in Los Angeles. It’s the place that I’ve been in during this entire pregnancy – on my knees, praying that I might get the chance to touch the hem of their garments at some point in my otherwise empty life.

TMZ is confirming that Bey and husband Jay Z are the parents of twins. Beymajesty and babies are still in the hospital due to a “minor issue” that hasn’t been identified. We can assume it’s because a vintage El Camino wasn’t driven in for her to give birth atop of for art’s sake. She’s not leaving that hospital bed until the situation is rectified. Continue reading


Barack Obama May Have Spilled Some News On The Twin Messiahs (But Probably Not) 

June 16, 2017 / Posted by:

All week, the Beyhive has been on HIGH ALERT as they wait to hear the news that their King, Beyonce, has gifted the world with the real-life Gemini Twins. There’s been rumors that Beyonce was getting ready to give birth, was in the middle of giving birth and has already given birth. I’m not sure if I believe the rumors that Beyonce and Jay Z’s twins are already here, because I don’t remember seeing Jesus float down from heaven while holding two diaper bouquets to give to his twin successors.

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Jay Z Has Removed All His Music From Spotify

April 10, 2017 / Posted by:

In a move that has reminded me that Tidal is still very much a thing, Jay Z has pulled his entire catalog from Spotify. Billboard reports that Jay Z picked up all his songs, The Bodyguard-style, and whispered “Come on, let’s go home” sometime on April 7th.

Billboard says that if you now search for Jay Z on Spotify, it will gurgle up two lonely album results, both collaborations with R Kelly, and five collaboration singles. Billboard reached out to Jay Z and Spotify and only Spotify got back to them. Spotify confirmed that Jay Z put in a request to pull most of his songs.

The Verge says that Jay Z also yanked his catalog off Apple Music. However that choice wasn’t meant to last; a few days later, it came back. Apple had no comment regarding Jay Z’s take-backs. I’d say Jay Z changed his mind after receiving a bitchy text from Kanye West, but let’s face it – Jay Z probably blocked his number months ago. Beyonce still has music on Spotify and Apple Music.

Jay Z launched Tidal in 2015, so this catalog situation seems like something that should have been done back then. I don’t know why Jay Z waited so long to make his music so limited. Maybe he’s trying to legitimately boost Tidal’s subscriber numbers? It doesn’t make sense. If he wanted to get some new Tidal subscribers, he should have picked a more exclusive and rare catalogue to add. I’ve already heard The Blueprint III. What I really want is the entire debut album from Sylk.


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Beyonce Will Bless The World With Two More Chosen Ones

February 1, 2017 / Posted by:

If you’re in the stained glass industry, then cancel all of the social shit you’ve got planned for the next month. Because every member of the Beyhive is going to order a stained glass version of that picture to put in their Church of Beyonce (read: the bedroom that belonged to their kid before they made that child sleep on the pullout sofa to make way for a praying place devoted to their God!!!!!).

Beyonce announced on Instagram that growing in her holy womb are twins that I’m hoping she and Jay-Z will name Chartreuse Marijuana and Periwinkle Fern. Along with that hilarious and extra “Mary-themed America’s Next Top Model photo shoot” portrait, the holy mother of the world added this note:

We would like to share our love and happiness. We have been blessed two times over. We are incredibly grateful that our family will be growing by two, and we thank you for your well wishes. – The Carters

As the Beyhive leaves their jobs early to go home to carve two tiny new chosen ones for their Beytivity scene, I’m sure conspiracy theorists are running their magnifying glasses over that picture to look for evidence of Photoshop trickery. Once they’re done with that, they’ll call every Michael’s to find out if the Illuminati recently bought an entire fake flowers section. And now that I look at that picture closely, it sort of looks like Solange in a wig and green curtain sheer after shoveling six enchiladas from Rubio’s into her mouth. Caught!

And Mama Tina better get to making two floral headbands out of those fake flowers, because Beyonce is totally going to birth out her twins on stage at Coachella.

Pic: Instagram


Sprint Has Purchased 33% Of Tidal

January 25, 2017 / Posted by:

Just like a desperate dad trying to get rid of a pair of dust-covered cross-country skis, Jay Z has managed to find someone willing to drop some cash into the allegedly bottomless financial pit that is Tidal. And sorry Kanye, but it’s not Apple.

A source tells Billboard that Sprint acquired a 33% stake in Tidal for $200 million. Based solely on what I’ve picked up from watching Shark Tank, that means that Tidal is valued at $600 million. For perspective, Jay Z bought Tidal for $56 million.

The details of the deal are that Sprint will own 33% and Jay Z and the two-dozen artist-owners will own the rest. Tidal will now become available for Sprint’s customers, and the two companies will partner for exclusive releases. Sprint’s CEO Marcelo Claure will join Jay Z on Tidal’s board of directors. Jay Z released a statement on the sale:

“Sprint shares our view of revolutionizing the creative industry to allow artists to connect directly with their fans and reach their fullest, shared potential. Marcelo understood our goal right away and together we are excited to bring Sprint’s 45 million customers an unmatched entertainment experience.”

This isn’t the first time Sprint showed an interest in Tidal. A few weeks after Tidal’s huge launch in 2015, Sprint denied a rumor that they had purchased a stake in the company.

I don’t know if this is a good financial move or a bad one. But I can say that Sprint’s partial-purchase of Tidal is great news for pun-lovers. I can already see the headlines about Marcelo Claure waking up to yet another Tidal lawsuit and sprint-ing to his accountant to see if it’s possible to get a $200 million refund.

Pic: Splash

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Kanye Cut A Concert Short In Sacramento After Accusing Beyonce Of Malfeasance!

November 20, 2016 / Posted by:

And his latest delusional “LOOK AT ME!” wave is juuuust about cresting with this one. The NY Daily News reports that Kanye West briefly brought his Saint Pablo tour to Sacramento, CA last night. I type “briefly,” because he exited stage crazy after performing only three songs (repeating one – so actually two songs) and then stopping to go after Beyonce, as well as Jay Z. Oh, and before that, he brought out Kid Cudi to hug and to assist on those two songs. So his not-trying ass didn’t even perform his two-song concert on his own!

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