Jason Segel And Cameron Diaz Were Bitchy To Their Fans

Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz’s new movie Sex Tape has 33% on Rotten Tomatoes and critics said in so many words that watching Verne Troyer’s sex tape during the day while sober is a less painful and more exciting experience. So Jason and Cameron should probably be out there selling the shit out of their turkey turd of a movie by smiling, hugging, signing stuff and giving out quick handies and rim jobs. But Radar says that at a screening in NYC on Monday night (pictures below), Jason and Cameron treated their fans like pieces of trash and ran out of there without signing autographs. I was going to say that maybe Jason and Cameron are embarrassed by their crap movie and wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, but she showed her face publicly after making What Happens In Vegas and he showed his face after making Gulliver’s Travels, so shame is not something they know.

Radar’s “eyewitness” says that before the screening at the Regal Union Square Theater, a handful of fans asked Jason and Cameron for pictures and autographs. Cameron and Jason treated their fans the same way Kate Gosselin treats her kids. Cameron and Jason told their fans to get the hell away and leave them alone.

“It’s not like the fans were following them at a hotel or restaurant, it was a film premiere with fans. Both of their attitudes were disgusting. When a 20-something fan asked Jason for a photo as he left the premiere he said, ‘No’ and literally slammed the car door right in the fan’s face. People gasped, that’s how bad it was.

And when Cameron was spotted, she also refused the fans telling them, ‘If I did it for you I’d have have to do it for everyone’ before storming off. “Cameron was as unfriendly as can be and it was really disappointing. And Jason was downright nasty to his fans. There were literally only four of five fans waiting and asking for them when they left. It was not a huge crowd and would have taken less time for them to sign an autograph or take a picture rather than giving a lecture about not doing it.”

People gasped? Jason slapped a car door in a fan’s face? They should’ve filmed that and released it instead of Sex Tape, because that scene sounds more thrilling and hilarious than any scene in their movie. I’d pay a slice of my weekly weed money to see Jason Segel dramatically scream, “STOP SWARMING ME! LET ME BREATHE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LARGAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in front of two people who are looking at him like, “What?”

If anybody at that screening deserved to be yelled at it’s Cameron Diaz for thinking it’s okay to dress like the Too Close For Comfort wall:

And the Too Close For Comfort wall wore it better, bitch. Like I even had to say that.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Here’s The Trailer For “Sex Tape”, Brought To You By Cameron Diaz’s Tank Top Nipples

If the whole point of the trailer for Sex Tape was to be a confusing mess, then A+ work, trailer people. Right off the bat, the image of a nearly-naked Jason Segel was dumped on my eyes, and normally I’d be all for seeing that human connect-the-dots game get his fuck on (I have a thing for mole-covered moobs; pray for me) but he’s lost a ton of weight and it looked like Cameron Diaz is sexing on The Machinist. Literally the second Cammy rolled up on him in a pair of roller skates and her nipples bugging out, I couldn’t help but scream: “NO! HE’S CLEARLY A SICK MAN! YOU’LL SHATTER HIS PELVIS!”

But I guess Jason lives, because he’s in all the scenes where they freak out after discovering the sex tape they filmed was sent to a bunch of iPads they gave to people as gifts. Wait, stop the car. These bitches are handing out iPads like some kind of Steve Jobs Santa Claus? And their solution is to steal them back? Can’t they just do what any normal person would do and fire off an email that says “Unless you wanna see my hungry Popple, I suggest deleting the video I just sent you.” But then we wouldn’t get to see Cammy aggressively snorting Lohan dust with Rob Lowe in Arthur glasses, would we.

The only part I could get on board with was Jason’s explanation of the cloud. WHAT IS THE CLOUD?? A smart person once tried to explain it to me, and I was hospitalized after suffering from a self-inflicted brain stroke (all my brain had to hear was “Well, technically…” before deciding to quit that bitch).

Jason Segel And Cameron Diaz Might Be Doing It

Jason Segel was dating Michelle Williams, but then he covered himself in Elmer’s Glue and stuck his body to her body so they could always, always be together, forever. He was too clingy, so she pried him off and moved on. Cameron Diaz was humping on that Tesla billionaire whose name sounds like the mating scent of a rare donkey, but then I guess her chocha got bored, as it usually does, and she moved on. And now Jason is humping on Cameron (see: above, or maybe that’s a picture of him trying to Heimlich out her doody bubble).

Life & Style says that Jason and Cameron were “cozying” up to each other over dinner at Nick & Toni’s in the Hamptons last night. I never understood that getting “cozy” during dinner shit. When I’m at dinner, the only thing I want to get cozy with is my ravioli, but whatever.

Someone else saw them at Citarella in the Hamptons and wrote on Instagram, “They bought groceries and then drove off together.” I see that Cameron and Jason are copying Kaley Cuoco and Superman, because buying groceries and driving off together was THEIR thing.

Cameron and Jason did Bad Teacher together and they’re about to shoot a movie called Sex Tape together.

Jason Segel is supposedly duct tape and a clinger and probably cries when he pulls out, and Cameron is a proud slut with a free spirit snatch, so if this is true, it’s going to end well.

Jason Segel And Michelle Williams Broke Up

Today in L.A., Jason Segel is slowly peeling off the picture of Michelle Williams from his iPhone before he dramatically falls into the open arms of one of his puppets. Because UsWeekly says that after dating for about a year, Michelle Williams and Jason Segel broke up earlier this month. You can go ahead and add “Forgetting Sarah Marshall 2” to your Netflix queue right now, because Jason is going to violently type that script out right after he finishes bawling in the arms of one of his puppets.

A source tells UsWeekly that Jason and Michelle’s love ended, because she lives in Brooklyn and he lives in Los Angeles, and one can only breathe in so much airplane air before they’re like, “Fuck this.”

Jason seemed like a first degree clinger and he probably wanted to do it in his puppet room way too often, but I still thought they would last forever in Hollywood time, which is like two years. Oh well, at least Jason has his puppets. They will never leave him! And yeah, you know one of his puppet looks like this.

That Dress Puts The Blunt In Emily Blunt

And just like that, you’ve found the perfect dress to wear to the 4/20 prom tomorrow! At last night’s Tribeca Film Festival Premiere of the Five Year Engagement, Emily Blunt wore dress that Betty Draper would wear if Snoop Dogg was the head costume designer on Mad Men. Emily is giving us good shit eleganza, but she should’ve went all the damn way. This is missing some tiny bong earrings, blood shot eyes, a sequined Doritos bag as a purse, rolling paper bracelets, high heels with a grinder in the platform and hair styled so that it looks like she’s been running her hands through her mane like crazy because it feels so soooooooooooft. Emily’s stylist, Willie Nelson, needs to really blow the theme harder in our eyes next time.

It’s a good thing that RiRi wasn’t around, because she would’ve stuffed Emily in some rolling papers and smoked that bitch up!

Here’s a few more tricks and tramps at last night’s premiere: Jason Segel, Olivia Wilde, Shaun White, Amy Poehler shoulder hugging Aubrey Plaza, Cuba Gooding Jr., Kim Cattrall, Victor Garber, Robert DeNiro with his wife Grace Hightower and Leelee Sobieski looking like a creepy lady you meet in the empty aisle of a book store only to find out later that she’s the original owner who died 65 years ago (dun dun dun)!

Michelle Williams And Jason Segel Are In Love, Or Something

UsWeekly has a picture of humanized Pixie stick Michelle Williams holding hands with Jason Segel in his coat pocket while strolling through Brooklyn four days ago. Either Michelle is super meta and is playing Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe as Lindsay Lohan and is pickpocketing Jason right under his eyes, or these two are in looooooove. UsWeekly says it’s the latter and a source tells them that Jason has been spending time in Brooklyn with Michelle and her kid.

Michelle and Jason met through their friend Busy Phillips a long ass time ago, but they only recently started farting hearts out of their eyes for each other. One source says, “She hasn’t been this happy in a long time.” This is probably why Jason temporarily tore his heart off of his sleeve and placed it into the hands of his Twitter followers a few weeks ago (Jason has since deleted that shit):

Honestly a totally hypothetical question but I’m curious. If I fell in love would you guys be happy?

We don’t even know each other and you guys want me to be happy. I’m not being sarcastic at all when I say that actually means a lot.

It’s come to this. This is why you should not operate Twitter while under the influence of the drug known as LOVE. Did Jason really get on one knee and ask his followers for permission to hump a piece full-time? I just…no. You might see this as cute, but I see this as some shit that is going to put me in a neck brace from shaking my head so much.

I’ve only seen one picture of Jason with Michelle and I can already tell that they’re THAT couple. You know, that couple who is like kryptonite to us bitter old bitches. Like I was at some grocery store in California a couple of weeks ago, and a couple like THAT was in front of me in the checkout line. The girl kissed on her man’s neck and said, “Tell me you love me.” And he goes, “I love you, baby.” And she goes, “Tell me again.” And he goes, “I love love love you.” And she goes, “One more time.” And he goes, “I love you infinity.” And I wanted to go, “Tell me to punch both of you gross bitches in the face, because I really want to,” but I was too busy trying to stop the barf from splashing against my teeth.