No, that is not a screen shot of Ben Affleck making the face that his brother Casey Affleck made while jacking it to Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder. I don’t hate you that much.
Ben Affleck was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to whore out his Prohibition turd, Live By Night, and during the interview he pretended to be highly offended over his brother Casey Affleck not thanking him at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Ben got revenge on Casey for not giving thanks to the trick who made it all possible by burping up embarrassing facts about his brother. One of those embarrassing facts about Casey included him fapping while watching Small Wonder. I blame Casey Affleck for the reason why Jamie Lawson went on to live under a bridge.
Yes, I said MAROON, because I am a classy whore who likes to use the classiest name available for colors.
Jason Momoa was at the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday to sell his movie The Bad Batch with co-star Soooookeh Waterhouse. Jason Momoa also unintentionally sold me on his style being “steampunk Tarzan going to a senior prom while wearing an ensemble bought at Chess King.” This is very Johnny Depp Lite. Jason’s style borders on Fighting The Hot, but it still brings the nipple tingles, because it lacks sleeves and fucks to give. I am always grateful that Jason suffers from a deeply allergic reaction to covering up those arms.
Jason is also dressed like an overheated Paula Poundstone at a holiday party in 1993, and suddenly I find myself feeling things about Paula Poundstone.
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that here’s pictures of panty creamer legend Jason Momoa flexing his arm muscles while climbing. The bad news is that he’s not climbing your ass.
Last week, Jason went to Spain with his wife Lisa Bonet and their kids for vacaciones, and on Friday, he got away from them for a second to promote his friend’s climbing gym in Barcelona by partaking in a climbing contest. It’s stories like this that make me wish I was friends with Jason Momoa and also had a climbing gym in Barcelona that needed promoting. If I owned a gym in Barcelona and Jason Momoa, my friend, agree to promote it, I’d say to him, “Okay, J-Mom, I’m thinking that we should host a climbing contest and you’re the only competitor, and you have to do it naked and also hang a sign with my gym’s name on it from your peen.” Then he’d say, “Dude, that’s wrong and you’re creeping me out. Stop it.” Then I’d say, “Okay, okay, you can wear a shirt, but the sign hanging off of your peen is an important part of my marketing campaign.” *CLICK* We’d have the best friendship!
And here’s more pics of Jason Momoa including some for all you sucio foot fetishists out there.
After waiting for what feels like 6,789,400 years for Wonder Woman to finally get her own movie, the trailer for the WW movie moistened tips with nerd nectar when it was shown at Comic-Con in San Diego today. I only screamed, “SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER, SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER,” like 6 times while watching it, so that’s a good thing.
The trailer opens up with Wonder Woman (played by Gal Gadot) finding Chris Pine on the shores of Paradise Island, and I prayed she wouldn’t start singing “A Part Of Your World,” because that beginning part gave me way too many Little Mermaid vibes. But thankfully for all of us, she doesn’t and the trailer then gives us Robin Wright on a horse, Wonder Woman doing some kind of Matrix floor slide and Wonder Woman taking down bitches with that Lasso of Truth. (I can’t wait for Halloween when messes dress up as WW and carry around a Lasso of Truth made of Christmas lights plugged into a tiny generator.) Never mind that Gal Gadot’s acting is a little on the “my Ambien is about to kick in” side, I am all for her preparing to destroy tricks with her sword while wearing a gown.
I am not a superhero nerd at all, but Lynda Carter as WW was one of my glamour icons as a child, so this trailer made me feel this weird thing called emotion and it warmed the blackened ice orb I call a heart. I had to go and look at a picture of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston to feel cold and bitter again. The only thing that trailer is missing is an invisible plane and Lynda Carter showing Gal Gadot how to spin into her Wonder Woman outfit as the 70s WW theme song plays. I’m sure that scene is in the final cut.
Since we’re on the subject of visual nerd lube, DC also squirted up footage from the Justice League movie at Comic-Con today. This shit has way too much Batffleck and not nearly enough Jason Momoa nipples.
I see you trying to think you can recreate this easy, breeze, beautiful beachy look using an old bottle of Sun-In that’s been living in the back of your bathroom cabinet for decades, Morton sea salt, tap water, White Rain hairspray and a dream. But sorry, tricks, Jason Momoa got those locks naturally from resting on top of his surfboard under the sun after choking out and cunt-punting a school of sharks trying to attack a dolphin. Jason Momoa IS Aquaman.
Jason worked Jennifer Aniston’s Mexican vacation dream hair with a hot velvet blazer at last night’s London premiere of Who Cares v. Who Cares: Just Bring Me Wonder Woman. I trolled through a bunch of pictures of the premiere and didn’t see any of Jason Momoa with Lisa Bonet. Lisa Bonet must have stayed her ass home, because she wasn’t in the mood for jealousy trollops throwing her looks that clearly say, “You got to bone Lenny Kravitz on the regular and now you get to bone Jason Momoa on the regular? How do I shapeshift into your cooch?”
And here’s more pics from last night’s premiere including some of Wonder Woman looking like Christmas, Ben Affleck and Mark Hamill!
Thanks To Jason Momoa And Lisa Bonet, You And Your Piece Now Know What You’re Going To Wear For Halloween
Leave to tall drink of Muscle Milk Jason Momoa and Dorian Gray’s sister Lisa Bonet to show us homely bitches that they are so hot that they’re natural hotness cannot be dimmed by some fucked-up outfits on their bodies.
Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet came out for the Mad Max: Fury Road premiere in L.A. last night to support Zoe Kravitz who’s in that movie. Jason Momoa showed up looking like the owner of an artisanal craft beer brewery in Bushwick who believes that in a past life he was a Wild West train robber and he doesn’t want to ignore that part of his spirit, so that’s why he dresses like that. Lisa Bonet is dressed like an Olsen at a Great Gatsby-themed funeral. While most people wear black to a funeral, the Olsens wear white, because death pleases them.
You too can get these looks. You won’t look 1/1000th as hot, but you’ll still look a mess. To get Jason Momoa’s “leather daddy Zorro” look, just get a summer job in the Knott’s Berry Farm stunt show and keep the costume. To get the other pieces, just ask one of the more stylish hobos in your neighborhood if you can go through his cart and buy some stuff. To get Lisa Bonet’s look, borrow one of your memaw’s church dresses and pair it with your sheepskin rug from Ikea. I know you have one of those things, because EVERYONE has one of those things. You don’t know how many calories I’ve burned from yanking off one of those Ikea sheepskin rugs from a friend’s dining chair to sit down. Everyone thinks their house needs to look like some shit out of Dwell.
Speaking of yanking, here’s a fap-worthy picture of the new Mad Max Tom Hardy wrapping his luscious larva lips around a straw:
The luckiest straw in the world: That straw is.
And here’s more pictures from last night including some of the Gentle Rose of Graceland, Priscilla Presley, looking more naturally beautiful than ever.