Jason Biggs, actor, social media attention enthusiast and his wife Jenny Mollen (same), welcomed another kid. UsWeekly has confirmed that Jenny gave birth to their second son on Monday in NYC. Not that UsWeekly needed to confirm anything, considering both Jason and Jenny Instagrammed everything but the baby’s head crowning.
Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen announced today that they’re expecting a second child. The Spike TV version of Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell already have a three-year-old son named Sid Biggs. Since Jason and Jenny are a combination of so extra and not-right, I assumed they would have announced their baby news through a series of Instagram stories in which Jason reminds us of his love of urine by pretending to play Jenny’s piss stick like a flute. They actually kept it somewhat normal. Well, normal for them.
In case you don’t know, a NoseFrida is a device you use to suck snot out of a baby’s nose. A sponsored Instagram pregnancy announcement involving an actor who was super famous in the 2000s that wasn’t for Clearblue? I bet the social media team at Clearblue just gasped in shock.
I hope Jenny and Jason remember to Instagram a second, less gross announcement tomorrow for everyone. I’ve been dry heaving for the past 10 minutes at the thought of Jason Biggs getting sucked off in any way, and I have a feeling the lack of air to my brain is going to affect my memory.
In “News You Definitely Care About” news, Jennifer Aniston’s partner in tequila (Side note: I totally picture them reenacting the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp with a tequila worm), Chelsea Handler, was on Conan last night and she once again swore on the carton of Belvedere in her garage that the Vine of Jason Biggs emptying his bladder on her face is one hundred percent real.
A few weeks ago, the epitome of SUCIO found a new low when a Vine made the rounds of Jason Biggs golden showering on Chelsea Handler as she swam below him in the ocean. Nasty trollop didn’t even close her mouth! Pimp Mama Kris already hates Chelsea Handler, but she hates her a little more today and is totally disgusted. How can Chelsea Handler get pissed on in a video and then give that video to the public FOR FREE? PMK is so glad they’re not in the same basic cable family anymore.
Chelsea was on Howard Stern last week and she claimed that she and Jason didn’t stage the piss party so she’d have a story to tell on talk shows while selling her Netflix comedy special. And last night, Chelsea pissed out the story into Conan’s face:
“I did not want to be urinated on. That’s not something I was trying to get to happen. It did happen and I’m still here. He’s got problems, okay and he had a urinary tract infection on this trip. No, he didn’t. So I got off the boat, there’s a below deck they call, the little thing, so I jump off of it and I was holding onto it because we were getting on another boat to go to the beach. All of a sudden I realize, I look up and Jason’s penis was there and he was urinating on my face. I thought it was so funny that somebody would pee on someone’s face that I was laughing so hard I couldn’t swim away. Even if I could’ve swim I would’ve just swam into the boat so I was trapped. I was in a urinary Bermuda Triangle. Listen, I can take one for the team. If somebody needs to get urinated on, I am happy to do that. I don’t care about urine. Who cares?”
Those last few lines…. If Chelsea was about 30 years younger, R. Kelly would be all about that.
I’ve thrown the Vine up after the cut so we can all disinfect (Freudian typo and it stays) it piss stream by piss stream:
I don’t know what shocks me more: that someone could have a heart black enough to talk shit about National Treasure Tara Reid, or that in 2014 we’re still talking about the stale crust from American Pie.
4th place runner-up in an Adam Sandler pageant Jason Biggs was interviewed by Joan Rivers for her web series In Bed With Joan, and during a segment called “Live Or Die”, Joan gave Piper’s annoying husband from OITNB the choice between saving either his former American Pie co-star and current springtime dew drop Tara Reid or human dirty needle Lindsay Lohan. Obviously, anyone with a set of eyes knows you’d save effervescent earth angel Tara Reid over the Apricot Ashtray, but for some reason Jason Biggs has beef with Tara, so he chose Lindsay.
“She’s got nice boobs. She really does. Lindsay’s got nice boobs. Tara’s body, I don’t know what’s going on with it. I don’t think she ever knows what’s going on with it. Lindsay doesn’t know what’s going on with Tara’s body either. No one knows what’s going on with Tara’s body.”
Excuse you, you rude-ass pie fucker, but that’s Tara Reid’s exquisite Renaissance sculpture of a body you’re hissing mouth lies about! Clearly Jason needs his eyes checked, because it’s pretty obvious what’s going on with Tara’s body: it looks like a beautiful sun-bleached terracotta column crowned with a decorative bundle of freshly-harvested hay.
Sadly, this isn’t the first time he’s taken a swipe at Tara Reid. A year ago, Jason was on Watch What Happens Live and he joked that Tara Reid’s prison nickname would be “Hot Mess”. When Tara finally woke up from the bus stop bench in West Hollywood where she’d passed out the night before, she Tweeted at Jason that he’d hurt her feelings. I can’t imagine how hurt her feelings will be when she discovers that she lost to Lindsay Lohan in a “Which Tired Skank Would You Rather” contest. Thankfully, we have at least 3 days before she sobers up and remembers which pile of cigarette butts her laptop is buried under before she finds out.
And in case you need a reminder of her timeless glamour, here’s Tara Reid star floating gracefully like a feather caught in the summer breeze in Beverly Hills on Thursday night:
Jason Biggs’ wife Jenny Mollen has written about the time her and her husband got a prostitution whore in Las Vegas and she’s tweeted a pic of his ass crack becoming one with nature (and becoming one with ants who were looking for a nice, gushy pied-a-terre to stay in), and so of course when it came time for their baby to make an appearance, they documented all of it and burped it up on Instagram. On Jenny Mollen’s Instagram page are video after video of her in labor and I watched all of them. I can close my eyes and go to sleep, because I’ve seen a Kardashian in labor and I’ve seen Jason Biggs’ wife in labor. What more is there to see? Jenny gave birth three days ago in L.A. and she announced the birth and name of their son on Twitter today.
Sid Biggs. Full head of hair, huge penis, 10k twitter followers. #babybiggs
Sid Biggs sounds like the name of a used car salesman turned amateur Miami-area rapper or like the name of a mob boss on Grand Theft Auto. I like it. And Sid Biggs hasn’t even been out of his mom’s body for a week and she’s already talking about his penis to everybody. Sid Biggs has a long road of fuckery ahead of him. At first, I looked at that picture and thought he was just hanging out and getting acquainted with the world after the trauma of birth. But after reading her tweet, it’s pretty obvious that he’s thinking to himself, “Well, well, well, the fuck did I get myself into?”
(Pic via UsWeekly)
Last night in Hollywood was the big premiere for Tara Reid’s grand return to the silver screen and she brought her “Celebrity” Big Brother housemates and fellow messes Jedward as her escorts. Yes, Tara looks like a malnourished, self-tanner-addicted 50-something soap actress who has just come off the set after playing a ghost in a dream sequence, but she’s free of barf stains, whiskey spots and a European husband who’s only using her for a green card, so I’d say she looks good! Or maybe I’m only saying that because I’m temporarily blinded by the bright shiny glitter rays shooting off of those twin Edward Cullen troll doll pencil toppers. (Note: That is the only time I will ever refer to Jedward as “tops.”)
Every time I see a picture of those twin spaz brooms, I want to smash Ritalin pills into my eyes, because they just can’t have a seat. They’re always jumping. They’re always screaming. They’re always freaking out like vibrators on meth. Hopefully, they calmed down after they came down with instant lead poisoning from kissing on the orange paint slathered on Tara’s face.
Here’s some more hos from last night’s American Reunion: WE’RE ALL OLD premiere. In order: Tara with Jedward, Jason Biggs with his wife, Jason with Eddie Kaye Thomas and John Cho, Jennifer Coolidge giving us BODY, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein (looking like a coked up insurance salesman), Natasha Lyonne, Sean William Scott, Thomas Ian Nicholas with date and Mena Suvari.