The London premiere of Horrible Bosses 2 happened on Wednesday night, and in case it’s not obvious, this isn’t the movie Jennifer Aniston is hoping to get nominated for an OSCAH for. Serious film actress Jennifer Aniston walks the red carpet in a tasteful black dress with her hair pulled back into a contemplative low chignon, whereas Horrible Bosses 2 actress Jennifer Aniston rolls up with her hair down and her right tit out. You know what? I don’t even care that it’s covered in fabric; one titty out is always the look.
Jenny’s titty dress is like a piece of abstract art. That weird cut-out can be interpreted in so many different ways! Is it an upside-down tube of lipstick? A ketchup-dipped french fry? A cartoon dog boner? The severed finger from Miley Cyrus’ VMA foam hand? I think I’m going to go with cartoon dog boner. Or maybe I’m supposed to be focusing on the negative space? Fuck, art is hard.
But as much as I love that Jenny is showing off her right titty, I’m also a little sad for her left titty. Poor left titty, hidden away behind all that fabric. I bet left titty feels left out.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston and her modest orange titty in London last night, as well as her Horrible Bosses 2 co-stars and a bunch of British “Who??”s, because it ain’t a British red carpet without the appearance of someone random chick from TOWIE:
Nothing brings me more joy than hearing a tiny human talk about Elmo using the kind of language that would make your raunchiest trailer park aunt blush. It’s an enjoyable kind of trashy, like referring to toilet paper as “ass rag” or deep-fried Mountain Dew sandwiches. And it sounds like Jason Bateman agrees, because in a recent GQ+A interview about his new film Bad Words, Jason talked about how familiar his daughter Maple Bateman is with Class-4 expletives:
GQ: Do you actually swear anywhere near as often as your character?
Jason Bateman: I tend to use as many as I can think of. I don’t do it around my 7-year-old, but I do around my 2-year-old, because she doesn’t know what the hell I’m saying yet.
GQ: What’s your go-to swear word?
Jason Bateman: Motherfucker is pretty good.
Motherfucker is pretty good, especially when the situation calls for it, but sadly it’s one of those words that will get you a non-verbal side-eye beat down from strangers if you say it in public. It’s the catchiest of 22’s: you accidentally sit down in a urine-soaked bus seat, or some clueless trick runs over your foot with a shopping cart, and you’re not able to let out a good motherfucker because out of the corner of your eye you spot the little ears of an innocent chirrun, so instead you have to use some made-up shit like muffin puffer or mother father chinese dentist. I know; these are the real tragedies.
But more importantly than his gloriously casual use of the word motherfucker…Jason Bateman named his daughter MAPLE BATEMAN?? Bless him and his wife for gifting her with such a delicious sounding name. Maple Bateman? More like Maple Bacon. I need to stop thinking about Maple Bateman’s name; I just imagined a maple bacon pancake stick swaddled in a baby blanket, and that’s all kinds of wrong.
It’s been way too long since Jennifer Aniston has delivered a good old-fashioned staged bikini photo-op in Mexico (sponsored by SmartWater), so she gave us one yesterday. Although, those pictures are so damn blurry that it could be Brad Pitt kissing on Joan Jett for all we know.
To celebrate the fact that We’re The Millers didn’t flop, Jennifer, her piece Justin Theroux, Jason Bateman and his wife Amanda Anka all went down to Los Cabos. Jennifer is killing two birds with this shit. She started the latest pregnancy rumors by bumping it at her premiere a few weeks ago and now she’s killing those rumors by struttin’ around in a two piece. And she’s struttin’ around in a two piece while carrying a bottle of SmartWater. My favorite picture is the one above. Romance IS Jennifer Aniston whispering sweet nothings to Justin Theroux and by “sweet nothings” I mean: “Stop bitching about how my razor-sharp nipples are cutting into your chest and lean in closer. That SmartWater bottle needs to get in the shot, because I need that bonus! Your black skinny jeans aren’t cheap, whore!”
Mumford & Sons, the group of British Knott’s Berry Farm ride operators who got together to solely make music for Williamsburg bars that serve cardamom and mint juleps in mason jars, have a new video out for their new single “Hopeless Wanderer” (or “Hold Me Farts” as I like to call it) and their faces are nowhere in it. Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte and Ed Helms all raided the vest bin at the Salvation Army to do their best Mumford & Sons impersonation for the “Hopeless Wanderer” video. They look like Silver Lake hipsters going to browse the kale section at the farmer’s market. In other words, they nailed it!
I came to see Jason Bateman in tight jeans and boots and stayed to see Jason Sadookie’s mouth dive into Will Forte’s face muff.
And Zach Galfifjdasklfjsadlkfjlaksdfjaiodfuodsfasd must feel so left out! Zach should’ve sat on Ed Helms’ shoulders to play Daddy Mumford.
A long time ago I was dating this total asshole who was hotter than me in all ways, drove a better car, was liked by all, made more money, had nicer towels, was never the recipient of an EWWW face by a nurse when he took off his clothes for an exam and was basically the kind of piece of shit who could anything he wanted by winking and flexing his perfectly shaped 8.5″ peen. I truly believed that he was only dating my ass, because he made a bet with his friends that he could transform me into winning Mr. Gay West Hollywood or some other kind of beauty pageant. I should’ve known something was amiss when he took me shopping and made me try on a bunch of outfits at a rapid speed to a Roy Orbison song. Anyway….
One weekday afternoon, we were driving around his immaculately detailed BMW when he got a call from his office that they needed him to stop by and sign a few things. A look of fear, not unlike the one Mel Gibson makes when he accidentally drives into a Hasidic community, plastered across his face and he swallowed hard like his saliva was made of nails. We drove to his office in silence and he told me it was only going to take him less than 10 minutes so I should just wait in the car. Bastard parked way too far from the office,took the keys and skipped off toward the building.
As I sat there like an overheated dog waiting for its owner to return, I realized that I had been dating the bitch for three weeks and I had only met one of his friends and never stayed the night. That’s also when I looked at the building and noticed they had an air-conditioned lobby and waiting room. THIS BITCH didn’t want his co-workers to know that he was waving his Adonis dick in the face of a homely, skinny gay with bad highlights! I should’ve stomped in there and caused a scene, but I really wanted his eighth world wonder wang to stomp on my b-hole later on in the night, so I kept my lips shut. Sigh. It was one of the only times in my lifetime that I regretted being a dumb slut with no self-respect.
Well, that’s basically what Jennifer Aniston did to Justin Theroux at last night’s Horrible Bosses (aka The Workplace Bad Teacher) premiere in L.A. The paps say that Justin stayed in the car while Aniston worked the carpet. Once she was done, Justin slid in through the backdoor to sit with her in the theater. This move actually surprised me a bit. Jennifer wants the world to know that she’s finally got a man! So I figured that a completely clothes-less Justin Theroux would show up wearing only a naked Jennifer Aniston frontpack that attached to his peen. That Aniston! Always full of surprises!
Here’s more pictures of all the hos who got to show their faces while Justin had to hide his in the car: Aniston, Chelsea Handler, Joey with Andrew Lawrence, Alyssa Milano, Jason Bateman with Amanda Anka, Jenna Elfman with some elf and Jason Sudeikis.
Here’s the trailer for Horrible Bosses, which is sort of like if 9 to 5 ate too much online Viagra and didn’t mind at all that a Bachman-Turner Overdrive 8-track got stuck in its orange Camaro. It stars Jason Bateman, Kevin Spacey, a fugged up Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, Charlie Day, Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston as a horny dentist who eats raw hot dogs in black lingerie. FINALLY! It’s nice to see Jennifer Aniston play a character I can relate to (because I eat raw hot dogs in black panties all the time). But I’m sure her character will still end up falling in love with one of those dudes at the end and they’ll kiss in front of a sunset as an old Dionne Warwick song plays. It’s The Aniston way!
And I’m guessing this movie takes place in a world where the words “I QUIT THIS BITCH” don’t exist.