Category: Janet Jackson

Today’s Lesson Is: Marry A Qatari Billionaire And Get Knocked Up With His Baby

April 11, 2017 / Posted by:

The news that Janet Jackson broke up with her billionaire businessman husband, Wissam Al Mana, came out of nowhere to me, but some think that she may have timed things so that she gets as much cash in her divorce settlement as possible. I always knew that Joanne the Scammer is pretty much everyone’s life coach, but I didn’t know that she was personally advising Miss Janet.

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Janet Jackson And Her Husband Have Split Up

April 9, 2017 / Posted by:

In what may be a prime example of how having children ruins lives (I kid, I kid, I love my nephews. Usually.), TMZ reports that new mother Janet Jackson and her sickeningly rich husband Wissam Al Mana have parted ways.

Let’s hope he got her to sign a prenup. I know she has Janet Jackson money, but this guy has MONEY. If one wasn’t signed, then she could finally afford to buy back the career that she torpedoed with her Superbowl boob (I still blame Justin Timberlake, though), AND have money left over to buy Blanket Jackson a new first name.

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Janet Jackson’s Baby Is Here

January 3, 2017 / Posted by:

Seen above making the same face that her baby son will make after learning that he gets to call Detective La Toya JacksonAuntie Detective La Toya Jackson,” Janet Jackson birthed out the kid that she was pregnant with for at least 399 months (it felt like that anyway).

Janet’s rep tells People that her baby with her Qatari billionaire husband Wissam Al Mana was born today. The baby is Wissam’s first child and Janet’s second (I will forever be a Jackson/DeBarge secret baby truther). 50-year-old Janet and 42-year-old Wissam have named their son Eissa. Cut to Janet and Wissam’s house staff hanging a sign that reads “EISSA BOY!” on one of their garage doors.

“Janet Jackson and husband Wissam Al Mana are thrilled to welcome their new son Eissa Al Mana into the world. Janet had a stress-free healthy delivery and is resting comfortably.”

Okay, I’ve never seen a human birth in person before and I also don’t know the lingo, but I would think that a “stress-free delivery” is something that doesn’t exist even if the mom is drugged up to the ends of the earth. A birth is the epitome of stress to me. But maybe it really was a stress-free birth. Maybe Tia La Toya entered the delivery room and sang so gorgeously that Janet was lulled into a trance as Baby Eissa immediately slipped out of her body to get a better listen to the beautiful sound he was hearing. That’s probably what Janet’s rep meant.

Pic: Splash

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Janet Jackson Confirms That She’s Got A Baby Growing In Her Body

October 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Janet Jackson announced last April that she’s postponing her world tour, but since she’s that cousin who says, “Oh, I just gotta feed my dog real quick and I’ll be back,” and then never ever comes back to the family party, that tour is probably over. The Unbreakable tour is as much of a distant memory as Janet’s original nose is. Janet told her fans that she’s going away to start a family with her billionaire piece husband Wissam Al Mana. One month later, the rumor that a fetus moved into Janet’s womb popped up. One month after that, Tito Jackson said that his sister is very, very pregnant. Three months later, Janet was papped looking every layer of KNOCKED UP. And today, Janet confirmed that squatting inside of her uterus is a lucky child who will get to say the words, “Tia Toy Toy.

People posted an EXCLUSIVO picture of 50-year-old holding onto the dome of skin that’s covering her first born (or her second, if you’re a lifelong DeBargeJacksonSecretChild truther).

Janet also gave an in-depth and highly detailed interview to People. You may want to take a nap, drink a bottle of Pedialyte and put a stack of protein bars next to you before you read the interview, because it’s extremely, extremely exhaustive. Presenting, Janet Jackson’s thorough interview with People:

“We thank God for our blessing,” says the star.

The TL;DR for the lazies is: JJ thks God 4 baby.

And if Janet and the photographer who took that picture were going for, “ad for Chico’s line of maternity eyeglasses,” then they nailed. No, I don’t know what maternity eyeglasses are either, but take that up with Janet and the photographer! They’re responsible for that pic!

Pic: Splash

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Tito Jackson Sort Of Confirms That Janet Isn’t Using A Surrogate

June 15, 2016 / Posted by:

I’m sure all of you have been tossing and turning all night long wondering if Janet Jackson is actually carrying the baby that is currently growing inside her 50-year-old body. Janet didn’t get into specifics when she confirmed that she was having a baby with her billionaire husband Wissam Al Mana; only that she was hitting the snooze button on her Unbreakable tour because they were “planning a family.” Well, you can finally sleep again, because it sounds like Janet’s big brother Tito Jackson has kind-of confirmed that their “planning” didn’t involve searching for a surrogate.

People says Tito spilled the beans about Damita Jo’s uterus during an interview with Andy Cohen for SiriusXM’s Andy Cohen Live on Monday. When asked how his sister’s pregnancy was going, Tito answered that Janet is “very well pregnant“, adding that she is “doing very well” and “taking it easy.” Andy then brought up the internet talk about whether or not Janet might have contracted out her pregnancy to a professional. But I guess Tito’s comment about Janet being “very well pregnant” was enough for him to stamp SOLVED on that mystery, and he quickly moved on to asking when she’s due. Tito doesn’t know when she’s due or what she’s having, but he does know that Janet is hoping for a “healthy baby.

Tito’s remark about her being “very well pregnant” was so damn confusing that I’m not sure we can technically classify what he said as a legitimate confirmation. Who describes someone as “very well pregnant“? That would be like today’s Hot Slut describing herself as “very well successful.” It’s like he’s tip-toeing around the truth by using existentialist jargon. “She could very well be pregnant, who is to say? What is life, even?” Tito, stop speaking in riddles!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Another Human May Soon Get To Call La Toya Jackson “Auntie”

May 4, 2016 / Posted by:

About one month ago, Janet Jackson pissed off some of her fans when she postponed her “Unbreakable” world tour under doctor’s orders. Janet Jackson will postpone a tour over a damn hangnail, but her excuse was that she and her billionaire piece husband, Wissam Al Mana, are planning their family. Everyone took “planning a family” to mean that they were either working on adopting a kid, trying to make a baby or one checked into her fetus baking bag. Well, a “source” confirms to Entertainment Tonight that Janet, who turns 50 in less than 2 weeks, is knocked up. UsWeekly also confirmed the news through a difference source (aka the intern who read Entertainment Tonight’s piece on the Internet).

There’s really no other details and Janet hasn’t said shit about this.

Being pregnant at any age seem hard, but pregnant at 50 seems like hard on top of hard. Janet is married to a billionaire, so she’ll be fine, I’m sure. Janet won’t have to walk because her minions will carry her around on a swan feather-stuffed satin mattress on a solid gold bed. And if she gets a craving for pickles dipped in ice cream and rolled in crushed potato chips (that’s whatever every knocked up lady craves, right?), she just has to snap her fingers and a maid will hand feed them to her while wearing a white glove.

Congrats to the unborn baby who will have La Toya Jackson as a tia! Congrats to JJ! Congrats to Wissam! And congrats to Janet Jackson’s secret daughter Renee for becoming a sister again! Yes, I will forever be a DeBargeJacksonSecretChild truther.

Pic: Splash

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