Vanity Fair put out their annual Hollywood issue and it’s a million times better than last year’s cover which had a bunch of actors looking like raggedy messes who just had a drunken orgy in the bushes after prom. But it’s not that hard to be better than last year’s cover. All Vanity Fair had to do was not put Channing Tatum wearing Amy Adams as a scarf on the cover and boom: Instantly better!
For this year’s issue, they took 13 actresses, dressed them in fancy funeral clothes, put them in front of Annie Leibovitz’s camera and said, “Okay, half of you need to look like you’ve fallen asleep with your eyes open and the other half need to look like you’re trying to push out a stubborn fart.”
My favorite one on the cover is Diane Keaton who looks like she wasn’t invited and masterfully photobombed them all. They’re all giving fashion FACE while Diane Keaton tries to kill their vibe by actually smiling. Diane Keaton, who looks like a cross between Charlie Chaplin’s mom and Mary Poppins at a wake, probably got the memo that she was supposed to look like a hungry goth but she didn’t care. Diane Keaton is you on 1st grade class picture day.
And the actresses in order are: Jane Fonda, Cate Blanchett,
Kate Winslet Jennifer Lawrence, Viola Davis, Charlotte Rampling, Rachel Weisz, Brie Larson, Alicia Vikander, Lupita Nyong’o, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Helen Mirren, Saoirse Ronan and Diane Keaton not giving a fuck. Somewhere, Meryl Streep is looking at that cover like, “Awww, how cute,” because while those actresses pose for a little magazine cover, she’s out there accepting her 176th Oscar for just being Meryl Streep.
And here’s bigger shots of the cover as well as the individual pictures Annie took. I see that the theme of the individual pictures was “coming down after a 6-day bender” (see: Charlotte Rampling and Rachel Weisz).
The real winners of the Golden Glibs (typo and it stays) last night were Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, because they got hit with a bolt of “not impressed” shooting out of Jane Fonda’s eyes. I’d sell my dog’s kidney (someone is going to diarrhea in my shoes today and that someone is going to be my dog) to get Jane Fonda to shank me with her eyes while looking like her head is breaking out of a prison of bedazzled coffee filters.
In a bit that was sponsored by their weed shop of choice, Jonah Hill pretended to be the bear from The Revenant while he and Channing Tatum presented the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. Jane Fonda was one of the nominees and as her man Richard Perry’s face went full WTF, she silently judged those buffoons!
Don’t let the dress fool you. Just because she’s covered in clown collars doesn’t mean that she’s here for Jonah and Channing’s Barnum and Bailey antics. Jane Fucking Fonda did not put on that seashell threesome dress just so the stars of 22 Jump Street could make a complete mockery out of her category! This is serious business. That’s the look an abuelita makes when she’s 10 seconds away from telling your brat ass to go and get the switch.
When Jane Fonda goes to an event, she normally looks like glamour dipped in liquid sex. But she must have gotten tired of making genitals explode, because she showed up to the L.A. premiere of her movie Youth in fancy and messy Coachella drag. The organizers of the premiere thank her, because they really weren’t looking forward to mopping up all the puddles of jizz and drool that are left behind when she hits the carpet like a sex bomb.
One thing I learned from Jane’s look is that I thought her ass could pull off anything, but even she can’t pull off a raggedy Christmas tree garland headband and a dress that looks like a flower compost. This is a craft project gone fug. But the good news for Jane is that since she’s looking more Carol Burnett in the face than usual she can easily say, “Bitch, that wasn’t me! That was Carol,” when someone tells her that she looked a potpourri wreck at the Youth premiere.
As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.
Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.
I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.
And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).
Behold, my new favorite beauty portrait of Nicole Kidman. She looks like a delicate and natural winter flower softly blowing in the ice cold breezes. Dr. Ernest Menville does impeccable work.
The Cannes Film Festival opened tonight with the cinematic crusty turd that will get Oscar-winning Nicole Kidman her second Razzie! Tonight’s opening night gala thing brought out the likes of Blake NotSoLively, Audrey Tautou and Jane Fonda who all gave face to the photographers, strolled into the theater and then ran out the back door, because there’s no way they’re going to sit through that mess of a movie. But even though Grace of Monaco is supposedly an embarrassment, Nicole Kidman still showed up looking like her face just came out of a grocer’s freezer. With that side ponytail, that ice face and that blue dress, bitch looks like she’s about to break out into that “Let It Go” song. But Nicole looks way more frozen than that Princess Elsa chick.
Luckily for Nicole Kidman, she didn’t have to go inside the theater and watch her crap movie again. As soon as the epitome of hotness that is Jane Fonda strolled onto the red carpet, Nicole Kidman melted into a puddle of cold water. She’s currently being rebuilt by ice sculptures.
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.
When Oprah interviewed Paula Deen for Oprah’s Next Chapter last year, she stayed in the Deen family “guest house” in Georgia and now she knows why the “guest house” was actually a shack in the backyard and why there was an Aunt Jemima costume and a dinner bell lying on her cot. The Mighty O got to know Paula Deen, so at last night’s premiere of Lee Daniels’ The Butler in NYC, everybody with a mic asked her about it. Oprah recently said no friend of hers will ever use the n-word around her, so I’m surprised she didn’t tell reporters, “Paula who? Oh, you mean the Miss Millie whose company I’m going to buy with my play money and DESTROY just for fun?” Oprah told Entertainment Tonight that Paula is not the first white woman to use the n-word and also said that she tried to call Paula’s ass.
“In the very first days I tried to reach her and then I decided to stay out of it as I saw it blowing up. In time she will be fine. For me, it all just felt kind of sad.
Nobody in their right mind is going to call me the N-word. You know, you see those fools on Twitter sometime say ridiculous things. But nobody in their right mind is going to do that to my face, because true racism is being able to have power over somebody else. So that doesn’t happen to me that way.”
That’s Oprah’s way of saying, “I’m God, bitch,” and it’s also Oprah’s way of telling Squeak to come call her a “field nigger” to her face, because she really wants to tit pound that bitch through all the layers of the Earth into Hell.
Here’s more of FroPrah and Ted Head Stedman at last night’s The Butler premiere. I also threw in a bunch of pictures of other hos there including Mimi who showed up wearing a sling that can double as a studded fisting glove.
Or somebody bought it for her.
Since Courtney Stodden wasn’t interested in getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this year and the powers-that-be have a quota to fill, they let JLo (or somebody) buy one. JLo got the 2,500th star and they unveiled it today in Hollywood at a ceremony which brought out her leased piece Casper Smart, Jane Fonda, Pitbull and the Dragon Tales Twins (yes, I totally forgot their names). JLo kept it understated and casual as always in a huge ass gigantic satin skirt (that was so big that it managed to make her quadruple layer ass disappear) and mother of the bride hair. She looks like a giant peach and I’m sure if she farted, James would’ve come flying out.
I see that Casper Smart has sprinkled Chia Pet seeds on his head. Now that he’s got hair, he’s a total mystery to me. Casper Smart has somehow managed to look like a newborn baby and a middle-aged man at the same time. I don’t know if he’s growing his hair in for the first time or if he’s losing his hair. With all that being said, I kind of like Casper Smart with hair. When I look at him, I start to sing to myself, “Monchhichi, Monchhichiiiiii, oh so soft and cuddleeeee!”
Who cares if the name “Elena Lenina” makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah’s does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu’s home planet. If this is Elena’s way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it’s totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy’s heart is through his butt.
I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah’s already got the lube.
And here’s some others at tonight’s premiere who obviously didn’t get the memo that the theme of the night was “sex toy hair.” In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.