Regardless of sexual orientation, I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone who wouldn’t look at that picture of Jane Fonda giving a look that says “My place?” and not feel a little flattered. But regardless of what Jane’s eyes are saying, she’s not trying to date.
Jane spoke to Extra at the premiere of Book Club, and they wanted to talk about her love life, because that’s sort of what Book Club is about. Jane Fonda is 80-years-old, and I mention this because she does too, but also because she doesn’t look anywhere close to the age where you hang a sign over your business that says “Thanks for many years of wonderful memories, but as of today we’re closed.” And yet, that’s what Jane has done. She was dating, but that she’s recently “closed up shop” between her legs.
“I’m not dating anymore, but I did up until a couple of years ago. I’m 80. I’ve closed up shop down there.”
Jane has been married three times, and her last big relationship was with record producer Richard Perry from 2009 to 2017. I suppose that means Richard Perry was her last date. Or maybe she crammed a couple dozen in right before the closed sign went up. Regardless, she’s clearly over it all, and that’s great for her. Not to mention she can definitely feel satisfied without men, and I’m not talking about geriatric arthritis vibrators. I’m sure Jane gets a jolt of oxytocin every time she gets in a good read at Megyn Kelly’s expense.
Tonight is the Met Gala, when stars and dirt stars squeeze themselves into a $30,000 gown that doesn’t go with the theme to bow down to Anna Wintour as she sacrifices interns to fulfill her yearly contract with Satan (that’s what happens there, right?). But I don’t even know why Anna didn’t announce today that this year’s Met Gala is canceled, because the real fashion event of May went down in Westwood, CA yesterday at the premiere of the mess of a movie my mom wants me to take her to on Mother’s Day.
Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen all brought the glamour to the red carpet of Book Club. Jane Fonda showed up looking like a Mary Kay regional manager who just naturally smells like Shalimar perfume and could easily fuck your dad if she wanted to. Candice Bergen showed up with a look that was Snow White down below (see: her Gucci sweater) and Evil Queen up top (see: those snatched-in-the-name-of-evil brows). Diane Keaton showed up looking like Madam Mim going to a sock hop in the 90s. And Mary Steenburgen wore some boring shit but made up for it by accessorizing her dress with a tall drink of silver named Ted Danson.
And now if you’ll excuse me I need to ask Google, “Is my mom forcing me to take her to a Fifty Shades of Shit propaganda film grounds for a quickie emancipation?”
Someone text Brie Larson and let her know she can make her hands slap together for every award winner this year. Jennifer Lawrence and Jodie Foster will be presenting the Best Actress statuette together this evening, according to Variety. Normally last year’s Best Actor winner handles that task. But last year’s Best Actor was alleged creep in a beard Casey Affleck and it’s #TimesUp for the handsy types. No one wants torches and pitchforks to take the stage at the Dolby Theatre. That should only happen if Meryl Streep wins because it IS possible for one woman to have too many accolades. Continue reading
Finally, Hollywood has given us what we’ve all been waiting for: a movie about rich white ladies reading Fifty Shades of Grey. If only Smell-O-Vision existed for real, movie theaters would be filled with the scent of fancy perfume and Metamucil-infused panty pudding.
The final cinematic dingle in the Fifty Shits series came out last month, but the diarrhea-dripping words of E.L. James are continuing to terrorize us thanks to a movie that surprisingly enough, didn’t come from the mind of Nancy Meyers. Bill Holderman directed and co-wrote Book Club, which is about rich white ladies who live in Ethan Allen showrooms, exclusively wear St. John and whose lives get “spiced up” from reading Fifty Shades of Grey. It stars Jane Fonda, a ginger Raquel Welch wig (see: Jane Fonda’s head), Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen and Mary Steenburgen as the rich white ladies. Also in it are fine bottle of Cuban wine Andy Garcia, Craig T. Nelson, Anastasia Steele’s dad Don Johnson, Richard Dreyfuss, Ed Begley Jr., Wallace Shawn and Alicia Silverstone.
Give Murphy Brown the Oscar now, because she deserves it for looking like she’s actually interested in reading that mess.
For those of you who have the sads over Sex and the City 3 not happening, then I just need to tell you that you’re crazy and a masochist. I also need to tell you that Book Club is the Sex and the City 3 movie you never knew existed. Diane Keaton IS Carrie Bradshaw, Candice Bergen IS Miranda Hobbes, Mary Steenburgen IS Charlotte York, and Jane Fonda IS Samantha Jones.
And not only will Candice win the Oscar for this, but so will the special effects artists for CGI’ing Jane Fonda’s face circa the 197os onto current day Jane Fonda.
Dolly Parton Confirms That She, Jane Fonda And Lily Tomlin Will All Clock-In For The “9 to 5” Reboot
Had it up to here sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigots? You are not alone! The teased 9 to 5 reboot just got sanctified by my personal lord and savior, Dolly Parton. According to Vulture, Dolly, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin have all agreed to reprise their roles in the upcoming film. Upon hearing this news, I screamed to my secretary to get his cute little ass in here with some napkins to wipe the shit eating grin on my face.
On Monday, Megyn Kelly used her time on Megyn Kelly TODAY to slap back at Jane Fonda. Jane has been scratching at Megyn ever since Megyn asked her about her plastic surgeries during an interview in September. Megyn probably high-fived herself in the mirror after her Jane takedown, but not everyone thinks what Megyn did was totally badass. Specifically, former TODAY co-anchor Ann Curry.