Oh, Nicole, Nicole, please save your Taylor Swift role-play costumes for your bedroom times with Keith Urban. Our eyes don’t need it!
“Hmmm, I don’t remember seeing a badly made Taylor Swift wax figure on the guest list,” said the organizers of the opening gala of the Palm Springs International Festival last night when Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet in one of Elle Fanning’s old dresses that her kids doodled on. That dress was made by Dior, but it looks more like something from David Bridal’s collection of wedding clothes inspired by Angelina Jolie’s doodled-on wedding dress. That whole look is giving me a Big situation. Because of that end-of-the-night prom hair and that dress from Justice, it looks like a little girl took over her body and made all of the design decisions for her. It’s a little Whatever Happened To Baby Jane goes to spring formal.
Thankfully, glamorous savior Suzanne Somers once again cleansed the red carpet of messy dreadfulness with her Ann Jillian razor cut, Wayland Flowers-approved rouge and L’eggs covered legs.
If it went with her ensemble, I’d say that Suzanne Somers should get a Medal of Honor for saving events with her sparkly glamour!
And here’s more pics from the Palm Springs International Film Festival including Natalie Portman wearing Darth Vader maternity chic and Pharrell Williams looking like the manager at a matador-themed gay club that only plays songs from the 80s.
Before we fully get into the river of depressing smegma that this news week will probably bring, let’s raise a wig and celebrate some happy news: RuPaul finally got his hands around his first Emmy after being in the TV game for eons. HalleluRu!
If award shows always got it right, Ru would’ve gotten his first Emmy in the 90s for Best And Most Glamorous Talk Show host for Vh1’s The RuPaul Show. But since award shows mostly never get it right, that didn’t happen. It only took 20 years, but the title “Emmy-winning RuPaul” is finally a fact.
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
Yes, that’s Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black after winning the award for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series”, which means there is a God, and he too probably binge-watched the second season back in June like the rest of us (“Hi, you’ve reached God. I can’t take your prayer right now because I’m watching OITNB, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.”)
On Saturday night, the Creative Arts Emmys were given out at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, and in case you’re not totally familiar, the Creative Arts Emmy Awards are sort of like the Cindy Brady to the Primetime Emmy Awards’s Marcia (which would make Jan the messy shit-show that is the Daytime Emmy Awards ). They air a week before the Primetime Emmys and they give out awards for technical shit like editing and…uh…editing? Maybe microphone holding? But they also give out awards for guest actors and reality show hosts and stuff. Basically, THE LEFTOVERS. On the plus side, it’s always filled with the hottest of the hot: Uzo Aduba! Allison Janney! Bob Newhart! What’s the opposite word for “basic bitches”?
Other people who took home pointy-winged gold yoga ball-holding angel statues were Jane Lynch for hosting Hollywood Game Night, Allison Janney for her guest spot on Masters of Sex, Joseph Gordon-Levitt for (inhale) “Outstanding Creative Achievement in Interactive Media in the Category of Social TV Experience” for his online show HitRecord On TV, and Harry Shearer for his voice work on The Simpsons. That’s right, the voice of Principal Skinner/Mr. Burns/Smithers/Flanders/Lenny/Otto/Reverend Lovejoy has NEVER won an Emmy before; the world truly is a fucked-up place. The complete list of winners can be found here.
And here’s everyone wearing fancy dresses and suits in million-degree weather at the Creative Arts Emmys on Saturday night, including Laverne Cox (who does Beyoncé better than Beyoncé ever has. YES I SAID IT. Come at me, Bumblebeys, I ain’t scared!), and Derek Hough looking like Earring Magic Ken all dressed up.
At the party for Glee’s 100th episode in West Hollywood last night, TVLine asked JLo Kardashian (born name: Naya Rivera) about the rumors that she’s getting dropped from the show. The rumor started when Lea Michele said that the rest of season 5 mostly focuses on the hos in New York and she named off everyone but Naya. Naya said that it was a “Freudian slip or maybe not” on Lea Michele’s part (shaaaaade) and then she went on to say:
“People just take things, little things, and blow them up.”
That answer can also be the answer to my question, which is, “Girl, did you get bigger Tupperware cake covers installed in your chest?”
Naya posted a picture on Instagram yesterday of her at the beach with her fiancé Big Sean (looking like Freddy Krueger as a referee), and either her tits got swole from a severe allergic reaction to her dude’s fugged-up ensemble or she got her tits Stoddenized. It’s obviously the latter and all Naya needs to do is fill her ass cheeks with 10 cans of Fix-A-Flat and she’ll be warmly welcomed into the Glad family of products and can also get work as Kim Kardashian’s Instagram body double. Speaking of messy Instagram pages, if you haven’t visited Naya’s recently, you should. Her Instagram looks like the portfolio of an artist who uses candle pillars to make figurines of Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian, JLo and Sophia Lamar.
Here’s pictures of JLo Kardashian, Lea Michele, Jane Lynch, Trouty Mouth and the other Glee tricks at the 100th episode party last night.
On top of the In Memoriam montage, the Emmys sprinkled in a few special tributes to those who went off to heaven throughout the year. It was weird. The show was LAUGHS LAUGHS LIGHT LAUGHS and then all of a sudden they’d throw in these serious moments when we were supposed to put our black lace veils over our faces and switch to red wine. Cory Monteith got a special tribute from Jane Lynch, which pissed off Jack Klugman’s son, because he thought his father should’ve gotten a special tribute instead.
It was a nice tribute, but I was kind of sad that Larry Hagman’s ethereal angel wing brows didn’t get their own tribute too.