And two seconds after this picture was taken, Brit Brit Spears tackled Jamie Lynn Spears and covered her with kisses after making her for Chester Cheetah.
Jamie Lynn Spears’ 8-year-old daughter, Maddie Aldridge, has been in the hospital since Sunday after the ATV she was driving fell into a pond. Maddie went underwater and her mom and stepdad weren’t unable to get her out of her seatbelt. It took the paramedics two minutes to show up. They were able to get her out. Jamie Lynn’s condition was listed as stable, but critical. With each new update, the situation was looking more bleak, but today, the Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff’s Department delivered some actual good news (remember what good news was?). They said in a statement given to People that Maddie has woken up and is breathing on her own.
“With her father, mother and stepfather by her side, Maddie regained consciousness mid-day Tuesday, February 7. The 8-year-old daughter of entertainer Jamie Lynn Spears was involved in an ATV accident at a family home Sunday in Kentwood, La. Paramedics resuscitated her and she was airlifted to a local hospital. She is aware of her surroundings and recognizes those family members who have kept a round-the-clock vigil since the accident.
Doctors were able to remove the ventilator today and she is awake and talking. Maddie continues to receive oxygen and is being monitored closely but it appears that she has not suffered any neurological consequences from the accident.”
Shortly after the shitty news about Maddie’s accident came out, Brit Brit asked her fans to pray for her niece. I’m sure Brit Brit herself spent many hours praying in front of her Cheeto Jesus. So everybody should take a quick break from yelling at Jamie Lynn about letting her 8-year-old drive an ATV and praise the power of Cheesus!
Jamie Lynn Spears’ 8-Year-Old Daughter Is Reportedly In Critical Condition After An ATV Accident (UPDATE)
Last night, TMZ delivered eighty-five layers of awfulness when they reported that Maddie Aldridge, the 8-year-old daughter of Brit Brit’s little sister Jamie Lynn Spears, is in a bad, bad way after she was involved in an ATV accident. Maddie was reportedly on a hunting trip yesterday when the ATV she was riding in flipped over into a pond. TMZ’s sources say that Maddie was underwater for several minutes and was unconscious. She was airlifted to a hospital in New Orleans, LA. Jamie Lynn wasn’t with her daughter at the time of the accident. The sources also say that Maddie is in critical, but stable, but condition.
Any Beyhive member will tell you that last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Beyonce Country Time Jamboree Extravaganza (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)! But to us Dollies, last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Dolly Tribute Spectacular (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)!
I’m surprised there’s not a fat billow of steam rising up off of them. Isn’t that what happens when an extra hot human flat iron touches an ice cube?
Last night, something that happens every single night happened: awards were handed out to country stars. All of the oxygen on this planet will be sucked out into the universe and vengeance will come if a day goes by where a country music star doesn’t thank the lord for the trophy in their hand. So last night, the CMT Music Awards went down at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. Since they’re at every country music awards show, the frozen porcelain vase and the fresh-outta-the-kiln ceramic pot in a Suze Orman wig were at the CMT Music Awards last night.
Nicole Kidman looked stunning in matador pants, a rich old lady’s lunchin’ shoes, a face by DuPont and a fur-trimmed top that was a gaudy toddler dress in a past life. I don’t know if it’s the makeup or lighting or what (“It’s the ‘what.'” – you), but the Botox Baroness looks like she strolled into her plastic surgeon’s office and pondered between the Madame brand cheek cutlets and the Phoebe Price brand cheek cutlets before going with the latter. But on a more important note, I need to know which brand of SPF: Infinity And Beyond Nicole uses, because I burn easily and it’s amazing that she doesn’t get even a little bit tan while standing next to that humanized UV ray.
Here’s more pictures from the CMT Music Awards including a couple of Billy Ray Cyrus outdoing Keith Urban in the flat iron game.
For the rest of the year, I can’t say shit like, “Why won’t my God Bea Arthur answer my prayers?” Because my God has answered two of my prayers. New York Seltzer is making a comeback and video of Our Lady of Cheetos’ sister bringing a knife to a Pita Pit fight has graced the Internet.
On New Year’s Eve Day, a belated Christmas gift was given to us when TMZ reported that Jamie Lynn Spears broke up a brawl at a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana by waving a long ass bread knife at everyone. The police were told that the brawl broke out after some trick busted a bottle on the head of Jamie Lynn’s friend. TMZ somehow got a hold of (read: traded the video for a stack of cash stuffed in a pita) surveillance camera footage of the wild hillbilly scuffle at the Pita Pit. It was reported that Jamie Lynn dragged her fallen friend behind the counter before threatening to cut whores up, but that’s not what happened. Jamie Lynn dragged her friend out of the fight before walking behind the counter to grab a knife.
The story is a lot more exciting than the actual video. It’s got nothing on the legendary Halloween brawl at the Denny’s in Oakland and it lacks the theater, drama and poetic dialogue that the “Bitch, Your Pancakes Look Fine To Me” fight brought. But I’ll still take it. My favorite part is at the very beginning when the Pita Pit dude notices that a hose beast brawl just broke out, kind of shrugs to himself and calmly walks over to the phone to call the police. There must be a lot of fighting going on at the Pita Pit.
The way Jamie Lynn (Side note: Every time I type the name “Jamie Lynn,” I want to scream it while ringing a dinner bell) casually grabs that knife and waves it at those messy bitches tells me that she’s done this before and does it often. She probably has to pull a steak knife on trick during Spears family dinners when Brit Brit and her other relatives start scrappin’ over the last bit of Velveeta grits and possum casserole.
2014 just keeps farting up the surprises up until the last hours of its life. Who knew that Jamie Lynn Spears would quickly become my new favorite Spears? (FYI: Bit Bit Spears used to be my favorite Spears.)
TMZ says that last weekend the Queen of the Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, and a girlfriend went to a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana for some late-night eats. Up until I read this story, I had no idea what a Pita Pit was. It sounds like the nickname for a medical condition you get when you don’t bathe and your armpit sweat turns into cream. But Pita Pit is like the Subway of pitas.
Jamie Lynn just wanted to enjoy her pita, but her time with her pita was cut short when another girl allegedly attacked her friend for whatever reason. The police tell TMZ that the fight got extra messy when the girl hit Jamie Lynn’s friend with a bottle. Little ole’ Jamie Lynn didn’t waste any time and knew that you should always bring a knife to a pita fight. So she grabbed her fallen friend, dragged the girl behind the counter, found a bread knife and started waving it around. It was like a scene out of a hillbilly Kill Bill. Everyone quickly realized that you should never ever get between a Spears and her eats, so they turned off the fuckery and the fight was over.
The police showed up, but no one was put into handcuffs, because Jamie Lynn’s friend didn’t want to press charges.
That is the sign of a true friend who is always down for you. The next time you meet a trick whom you think could be a possible friend, ask them just one very important question: “If a fight breaks out at the Pita Pit and some piece of trash knocks me in the head with a bottle, will you drag me to safety, get a hold of a long knife and threaten to slice those hos like a toasted pita if they don’t stop?” That’s the only question you need to ask.
The only thing this story is missing is VIDEO! I am highly disappointed with everybody who was at the Pita Pita that night. Not one of them pulled out their cell phone and recorded that mess of a fight in portrait mode while screaming “WORLDSTAR!” For shame.
And here’s a picture that Jamie Lynn Instagrammed hours before the Battle at Pita Pit of 2014:
Behind that sweet face is a true Pita Pit Warrior!