The boys in the Scientology bathhouse are going to pop some barley seeds and tip toe up to David Miscavige’s throne room where they’ll press their ears up against his door and hope to hear Tom Cruise screeching and hollering over a speaker phone call while crying about how he saw Jamie Foxx and HER in Paree!
Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx have allegedly been a secret couple for more than three and a half years, and sneaking around for that long has got to be a killer on your spine. Yes, I picture Katie and Jamie sneaking around to and from their clandestine dinners and Mexican vacations all hunched over on their tip-toes. If UsWeekly’s recent source is correct, Katie might be ready to stand up straight and walk around proudly with her not-secret-boyfriend Jamie Foxx.
A source claims that Katie and Jamie are finally ready to “go public.” Katie used to be worried about the public attention dating Jamie would bring. The source goes on to say that Katie is tired of playing the “hiding game“, like traveling in tinted-windowed cars and using secret back elevators to meet Jamie. Apparently their first outings as an out couple will be more public dinners and a trip to Europe.
UsWeekly’s source says that Katie is ready to go public, but you know there’s a bunch of people thinking, “Uh huh, you mean her conditions of her divorce say she’s ready.” But I think she is ready and I hope that when they do go public, they do it up big to reward us for caring about their secret relationship for so damn long. Sure, they worked hard not to get caught. But we worked hard to make them a thing, like giving them a corny couple name even though they never officially came out as one. At the very least, they should acknowledge that by making their debut in front of a fox hole, maybe while holding two foxes. Please, I don’t ask for much. Just give me this.
Like Tom Cruise spitting out a reasonable and sane thought, a FoxHol sighting is a rare one that doesn’t happen very often. The rumors about Jamie Foxx wet humping the thetans off of Katie Holmes started in 2013 and a new “sighting” or story about them pops up every now and again. Jamie Foxx has denied the rumors before, but it looks like FoxHol is a thing and they’re just keeping it on the down low. “Jamie’s ass would know a thing or two about the down low,” said every blind item believer.
Seen above working a pair of succulent chest calzones at a Sirius event in the olden days of 2007, Jamie Foxx reportedly spent the weekend in Mexico lying down on a lounger as his secret lovah Katie Holmes did tequila shots off of his tits. That’s what UsWeekly says anyway.
It’s been a little over three years since it was first rumored that Katie Holmes was exfoliating the Scientology-caught crazy off of her face by motorboating Jamie Foxx’s succulent calzone man tits. Since then, they’ve been photographed holding hands, the tabloids said that they got married a million times, it was rumored that Jamie filled Katie’s womb with a Foxx fetus and Claudia Jordan scratched her thirst spot by saying they were really happy together as a couple. That Scientology fighter drone that flew over Claudia Jordan’s house and pointed a space saber at her must’ve let her know to keep her lips shut, because she later took it all back. Jamie Foxx also repeatedly denied that he and Katie were a thing. And now it looks like we may never hear the sound of Tom Cruise’s anal glands exploding out of anger after a wedding picture of Katie, Jamie and flower girl Suri Cruise comes out. Because Radar says that both Katie and Jamie are currently singing, “Secret looooooooooooovers, that’s what we’re NOT.”
The last ballot I cast was in the election that saw Hottié McStud become Prime Minister of Canada, so I don’t get to vote in this one. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on. I know one of the candidates is a dry Buffalo chicken tender in a suit. I know that the other one is Hillary Clinton. I also know that they’ve got to make a lot of money before the election, so they hold fundraisers. Yesterday, a fancy money-making lunch was held in honor of Hillary at the Los Angeles home of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.