I don’t know about your gays, but me and mine already have several summer theme parties planned around celebrating Anderson Cooper’s historic, Kellyanne Conway-inspired eye roll. It was the eye roll felt ’round the world issued by one of our shiniest stars (it’s the hair). Well, not everyone thought Anderson’s eye roll was the proper response to White House Hagatha’s delusional bullshit. Enter conservative actor, James Woods.
Lover of youngins’ James Woods (I linked to the proof, James Woods’ lawyer!) filed a defamation lawsuit against an anonymous Twitter user who accused him of regularly inhaling the bad shit with his nostrils. James Woods filed the $10 million lawsuit in L.A. Superior Court yesterday. While he was in the mood to file stuff, he also should’ve made his way to the police department and filed a missing eyebrows report. (The proof is in that picture, James Woods’ lawyer!)
The Hollywood Reporter says that while most celebrities let out a “meh” when someone on Twitter trashes them, James is taking that shit to court. On July 15th, a Twitter user who went by the name “Abe List” (their account has since been deleted) said, “cocaine addict James Woods still sniffing and spouting,” in response to a tweet James twatted out about how USA Today focused on Caitlyn Jenner’s ESPYs dress instead of the Planned Parenthood “baby parts” video. James’ lawsuit says that Abe List started fucking with him back in December 2014. When James shat up a birther-related tweet about President Obama, Abe List called him a “ridiculous clown boy” and “a joke.”
James Woods’ says that calling him a “cocaine addict” was way over the line (so many “I’m surprised he didn’t snort up that line” jokes, so little time) and he’s not going to take it. James denies being a coke head. If James simply blocked Abe List and kept it moving, only a few thousand people would have seen the words “James Woods” and “cocaine addict” in one sentence, but now millions have thanks to the lawsuit being reported by everyone. But that doesn’t matter, because James is trying to prove a point!
“AL’s reckless and malicious behavior, through the worldwide reach of the internet, has now jeopardized Woods’ good name and reputation on an international scale,” states the complaint. “AL, and anyone else using social media to propagate lies and do harm, should take note. They are not impervious to the law.”
THR says that James Woods’ lawyer will have to prove that the tweet was made maliciously and they’ll also have to subpoena Twitter to find out the identity of the person behind “Abe List.” Everybody better try to look shocked when Abe List turns out to be the legendary SEAN YOUNG!
James Woods has one rule when choosing a piece to date: if you’re older than the oldest liver spot on the head of his peen, then he’s not trying to mess with you. So that’s why James’ latest fetus-aged girlfriend probably slurs out a “HUH?!” when he quotes his Casino character. 66-year-old James Woods publicly debuted his newest leased toy Kristen Bauguess at the NYC premiere of White House Down on Tuesday night. Kristen kind of looks like The Curious Case of Ali Lohan right before a bleached demon (otherwise known as White Oprah) sucked her youth out, spit into a martini glass, added some vodka and swallowed it all down (a succubustini!).
Radar says that Kristen only recently started taking a ride on James’ Viagra rod, but they have already been tweeting “I love yous” to each other. James and Kristen were probably dating when she got caught with marijuana and some “controlled substance” in Georgia earlier this month. Kristen was pulled over for speeding in Chatham County on June 8th and the police found weed and a “controlled substance” on her. Kristen was charged with possession, speeding and switching the license plate on her car.
I totally believe that marijuana should be legal everywhere and arresting someone for it is a waste of everyone’s time, but laws are laws even if the law is stupid. Whenever I get a Double Double from In-N-Out, I always want to rip my clothes off and express my love for it bareback-style right there in the middle of the restaurant, but I know I’ll be arrested if I do so I wait until I get into my car. I know the laws! With that said, Chatham County should really give Kristen a break. They shouldn’t punish Kristen, they should reward her. If you were pulling James Woods’ 30-year-old white pubic hairs out of your mouth after licking his shriveled lychee balls, you’d be injecting a mixture of heroin and crack directly into your nipple slits. So Kristen is doing well considering and they should give her ass a break. The gold digging game isn’t an easy one.
Here’s James Woods and his now ex-girlfriend Ashley Madison (the jokes, they write themselves sometimes) during happier times at the Emmys in 2011 when he was 64 and she was 24 and she was still bumping her crotch against his silvery crotch bush. But now, James Woods is trolling high school graduations for a new piece, because he’s single again.
The National Enquirer (via DM) says that James and Ashley’s 6-year-long relationship started the way all true love affairs start. Ashley is the daughter of one of James’ friends. They started doing it full-time when she was 19 and he was 59. Ashley thought James was going to give her a ring, but that didn’t happen and they broke up, because he spent all of his time with his 86-year-old mother who died last year. James told the Enquirer that Ashley’s expiration date was up, but they’ll always be friends blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…
“We’ve gone our separate ways but I will always love her. Ashley was young and I was old and everyone wanted to dump on her. She was put through a lot of unfair stuff because of our relationship, but through it all, Ashley showed tremendous character.”
Ashley told the Enquirer that she’s moved on to a younger piece and is now dating a 28-year-old restaurant owner.
The Enquirer also brought up a story I completely forgot about. Supposedly, James Woods’ family hated Ashley Madison, because she showed up to his brother Michael’s funeral in a miniskirt and while everyone was crying, she chain-smoked and showed off pictures of herself in various magazines. James denied that story, but I’m still choosing to believe it really happened, because I really want to believe that Ashley Madison is a real-life version of Sammy Jo from Dynasty.
So if you’re a girl who can’t yet buy booze legally and really want to date a dude who could be your pepaw, send James Woods your picture along with a copy of your birth certificates. No fats or olds plz. And by “olds” I mean anybody born before 1995.