James Woods has one rule when choosing a piece to date: if you’re older than the oldest liver spot on the head of his peen, then he’s not trying to mess with you. So that’s why James’ latest fetus-aged girlfriend probably slurs out a “HUH?!” when he quotes his Casino character. 66-year-old James Woods publicly debuted his newest leased toy Kristen Bauguess at the NYC premiere of White House Down on Tuesday night. Kristen kind of looks like The Curious Case of Ali Lohan right before a bleached demon (otherwise known as White Oprah) sucked her youth out, spit into a martini glass, added some vodka and swallowed it all down (a succubustini!).
Radar says that Kristen only recently started taking a ride on James’ Viagra rod, but they have already been tweeting “I love yous” to each other. James and Kristen were probably dating when she got caught with marijuana and some “controlled substance” in Georgia earlier this month. Kristen was pulled over for speeding in Chatham County on June 8th and the police found weed and a “controlled substance” on her. Kristen was charged with possession, speeding and switching the license plate on her car.
I totally believe that marijuana should be legal everywhere and arresting someone for it is a waste of everyone’s time, but laws are laws even if the law is stupid. Whenever I get a Double Double from In-N-Out, I always want to rip my clothes off and express my love for it bareback-style right there in the middle of the restaurant, but I know I’ll be arrested if I do so I wait until I get into my car. I know the laws! With that said, Chatham County should really give Kristen a break. They shouldn’t punish Kristen, they should reward her. If you were pulling James Woods’ 30-year-old white pubic hairs out of your mouth after licking his shriveled lychee balls, you’d be injecting a mixture of heroin and crack directly into your nipple slits. So Kristen is doing well considering and they should give her ass a break. The gold digging game isn’t an easy one.
Here’s James Woods and his now ex-girlfriend Ashley Madison (the jokes, they write themselves sometimes) during happier times at the Emmys in 2011 when he was 64 and she was 24 and she was still bumping her crotch against his silvery crotch bush. But now, James Woods is trolling high school graduations for a new piece, because he’s single again.
The National Enquirer (via DM) says that James and Ashley’s 6-year-long relationship started the way all true love affairs start. Ashley is the daughter of one of James’ friends. They started doing it full-time when she was 19 and he was 59. Ashley thought James was going to give her a ring, but that didn’t happen and they broke up, because he spent all of his time with his 86-year-old mother who died last year. James told the Enquirer that Ashley’s expiration date was up, but they’ll always be friends blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…
“We’ve gone our separate ways but I will always love her. Ashley was young and I was old and everyone wanted to dump on her. She was put through a lot of unfair stuff because of our relationship, but through it all, Ashley showed tremendous character.”
Ashley told the Enquirer that she’s moved on to a younger piece and is now dating a 28-year-old restaurant owner.
The Enquirer also brought up a story I completely forgot about. Supposedly, James Woods’ family hated Ashley Madison, because she showed up to his brother Michael’s funeral in a miniskirt and while everyone was crying, she chain-smoked and showed off pictures of herself in various magazines. James denied that story, but I’m still choosing to believe it really happened, because I really want to believe that Ashley Madison is a real-life version of Sammy Jo from Dynasty.
So if you’re a girl who can’t yet buy booze legally and really want to date a dude who could be your pepaw, send James Woods your picture along with a copy of your birth certificates. No fats or olds plz. And by “olds” I mean anybody born before 1995.