Site Update Presented To You By James Haven

After being closed for CENTURIES (read: about a week), the doors to the comment section are finally opening up again tomorrow. It feels like I’ve been yelling at an empty big white box for the past week, which I kind of have. There’s going to be one big change, though. (This is the part where I down three shots of rubbing alcohol with a splash of gin.) The comments are moving to Disqus and mostly because it has the word DIQ in it.

When I first brought up the idea of moving to Disqus last week, some readers emailed me and said “YAAAAASSS!” to that shit and some readers emailed me and said “NOOOOOOO!” to that shit. I’ve been playing with Disqus on both ends (the commenter side and the moderator side, and yes, that’s the first time in years I’ve played with anything on both ends) for a few weeks, because a lot of people told me I should consider moving to it. After playing with it on both ends (yes, I wanted a reason to type that a second time), I felt it was the best thing for the site. So we’re going to try it and see how it goes. The comments from the old site will be lubed up and shoved into Disqus, but logins won’t. I figured that some of you might want to register with a different email address or post anonymously, so the logins won’t be moved over. With Disqus, you can either register for a Disqus account, post as a guest or if you really want your friends and loved ones to know your feelings about the Kartrashians, you can use your Facebook, Twitter or Google+ account.

As for other site stuff, we’re still fixing a few glitches and tweaking here and there (“Me too!” – Amanda Bynes). Remind to never move again. Thanks for the emails and thanks to the boxed wine at Target and my weed dispensary for being there for a bitch.

And you probably didn’t read any of that since you were getting lost in James Haven’s puckering anus lips. Here’s James Haven keeping the skull cap alive while puckering next to Jon Voight and a lady guest at last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The True Beauty Of The Voight Family Bloomed On The Red Carpet Last Night

The In the Land of Blood and Honey had its premiere in NYC last night and just when I was about to type that all these events are solely set up so that St. Angie can show off her vast collection of funeral dresses previously worn by a Golden Girl, the breath from my fingertips was taken by this parbaked meteor of LIPS, BROWS, CORNEAS and HAIRLINE!! crashing onto my screen. James Haven took a break from playing evil tricks on the LazyTown kids, to bring his girlfriend (???) to his lesser than sister’s premiere last night. Yes, Mr. & Mrs. Pitt were also there last night (Mr. Pitt is as excited about this movie as I am), but who cares about them when we have James Haven!

James Haven looks like the kind of freak who has been banned from every library for shutting the books on his dick in the aisles. James always has an expression on his face like his peen is in the process of getting smashed (and he doesn’t mind it at all) or he just got caught sniffing your armpits while you were taking a nap. We need more of him in this world.

In other highly important news, after weeks of walking by Supercuts’ “$15 for a wash & blow” sign, Brad Pitt FINALLY took them up on their offer.

But Where Was The Morton Salt Girl?!

Last night was the Salt premiere in Los Angeles, and this morning thousands of Brangeloonies are sitting nekkid in bowls of salt to stop their parts from throbbing like snails in heat! Escargot for everybody!

St. Angie, who is skinnier than a roach clip on a roach’s joint, shocked everyone last night by wearing a strapless (!!!) black (!!!) dress (!!!) with nude heels (!!!)!!! St. Angie’s ethereal holiness already causes saintstruck peons to throw themselves in a shallow gave, so she really shouldn’t shock them more by deviating from the norm. I mean, we’ve never ever seen her dressed like the cocktail waitress at an Addams Family-themed Las Vegas casino. Never!

And Brad Pitt looks like he’s been up all night sipping well scotch at a HoJo’s bar, because his wife changed the locks after she caught him flirting with the secretary at the used car dealership he works at. If you emptied his pockets, you’d find a matchbook with Ruby’s (it’s always a Ruby) telephone number on it. This is the best Brad Pitt has looked in centuries!

Here’s a few more of Brangelina groping on each other last night. Jon Voight, James Haven, Liev Schrieber and Naomi Watts were also there! Sadly, I couldn’t find any pictures of James Haven channeling STAINS. James’ eyeballs just wouldn’t get erect last night. Sad.