Today In High Art: James Franco Is Producing A Remake Of “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” For Lifetime
Douche-of-all-trades James Franco somehow found time in between being a savior to the gay community and turning the works of William Faulkner into comedy foolery to put together a remake of the TV cult classic Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? for Lifetime. James Franco truly is a saint of art, because he already gifted the world of daytime with his artistic presence and now he’s doing the same to the world of basic cable messiness.
The Hollywood Reporter says that James Franco will executive produce the redo and he also updated the story. Amber Coney is writing the script and Melanie Aitkenhead will direct. Lifetime will air it sometime next year. Oh, and Tori Spelling will play the mother whose daughter asks her if she can fuck danger.
Franco’s collaboration with Lifetime, which will help mark the original film’s 20th anniversary, comes on the heels of the network’s surprise collaboration with Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig for A Deadly Adoption earlier this year. The project, which was first reported by The Hollywood Reporter on April Fool’s Day, was made in secrecy and denied by the network several times — that is until billboards started popping up in Los Angeles two months later. The film drew more than 6 million viewers over its premiere weekend.
Up until today, I thought that MMISWD was a Lifetime movie. It wasn’t. It was supposed to be released in theaters, but when nobody wanted to distribute that turd, NBC released it as a TV-movie-of-the-week in 1996. MMISWD is kind of like a lower-budget Fear. It’s about a college chick whose boyfriend seems all nice and sweet at first but turns into a crazed stalker and possible murderer. Someone uploaded the whole thing onto YouTube if you need your daily dose of cinematic perfection today.
Why does James Franco have to ruin EVERYTHING?
MMISWD is the kind of perfect piece of shit that doesn’t need to be touched. It was perfect, because Tori Spelling thought she was giving a Meryl Streep-level performance and she looked like Mac from Mac and Me in a Hillary Clinton circa 1997 wig. The only way I’ll be okay with this is if James Franco plays the Tori Spelling role and he brings back that hot piece Ivan Sergei as the crazy boyfriend. I always thought it was weird that he found time to stalk Tori Spelling’s ass since he obviously spent at least 5 hours a day mousse-ing up his hair into a magnificent merengue of hotness.
While the world’s greatest performance artist Shia LaDouche works as telemarketer and calls it art, the world’s second greatest performance artist James Franco graced the streets of Hollywood with his plump chest turnovers and threw a raggedy Conan the Barbarian wig on his head to shoot scenes for his new movie. James Franco is playing Tommy Wiseau, the director of the shit show masterpiece The Room, in The Disaster Artist. James Franco is directing too and it also stars his brother Dave Franco, Ari Graynor, Alison Brie, Hannibal Buress, Kate Upton, Zac Efron, Jacki Weaver and Josh Hutcherson. Oh yeah, Seth Rogen’s in it too, but that pretty much goes without typing, because if those two brofriends go more than 8 hours without seeing each other, they’ll end up shaking in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Kind of like what happens to me whenever PornHub goes down.
You know, I don’t really get “Tommy Wiseau” from these pictures. To me, James Franco looks more like what you’d get if you put up an ad on Craigslist looking for a bootleg Peter Steele impersonator who will work for 2 beers and shank weed. What I’m saying is that James Franco should get that gutter wig permanently attached to his head, because this is the hottest he’s looked in a while.
Yes, WTF stands for What The Faulk?!
If you somehow made it through William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury and went away thinking that it’s pretty much unfilmable, this trailer for the movie version of it proves your ass right!
In “Something That Should’ve Never Happened In This Lifetime Or The Next” news, someone gave money to James Franco to direct and act in The Sound and the Fury, which also stars Seth Rogen (????) and Danny McBride (????????). Franco directed and wrote an adaptation of As I Lay Dying a couple of years ago, so I’m just going to assume that he not-so-secretly hates William Faulkner and has made it his goal in life to take a diarrhea on all of Faulkner’s works.
The Sound and the Fury follows the fall of the Compson family in the early 20th century. Franco put on a cheap mold of Gary Busey’s teeth to play Benjy, the disabled Compson son. Don’t expect to see the Funny or Die logo anywhere in this trailer, because this is one hundred percent serious:
I would not be surprised if the studio decides to retool that mess and release it as a remake of Simple Jack.
James Franco is always giving himself a hand job, self-sucking himself off and tongue boning his own b-hole. I mean that both figuratively and literally (he’s very flexible). So it was inevitable that we’d one day see James Franco getting James Franco off. In an episode of the AOL web series Making A Scene with James Franco, the world of Sex and the City crosses over into the world of Breaking Bad and there’s a fuck scene where James Franco as Walter White gives to James Franco as Carrie Bradshaw from behind. Alicia Silverstone is also in the episode as Charlotte (???).
AOL shit up a sneak peak of the episode and I watched it last night for some reason. The image of James Franco doing James Franco in bad drag is stuck in the deep parts of my brain. So I’m passing this clip on to you in hopes that the images stuck in the deep part of my brain will also be passed to you. It’s kind of like a more terrifying It Follows. James Franco fucking James Franco is at the 1:34 mark.
You’re going to need a palate cleanser after that, so here’s a classic GIF of the other Franco showing Franco how a Franco really fucks a Franco:
Art world savior Shia LaBeouf made a bunch of HIGHLY ARTISTIC videos for the graduating students of Central Saint Martins and in one of them, he said “Just do it!” over and over again. While shouting “Just do it,” Shia sort of looked like he was trying to squeeze out a rock hard stubborn shit that didn’t want to leave the canals of his ass. That must have lit an ultra artistic spark in fellow art world savior James Franco, because he pooped out a spoof video called “Just poo it!” Yes, James Franco did Shia LaBeouf and poo was involved.
While wearing chonies (Yes, I stared at that bulge so long that its outline is practically burned into my retinas), James Franco clenches his nalgas together and screams “Just poo it!” over and over again. It has the essence of a potty training potty infomercial starring the late Billy Mays. If you’re the sucio kind of bitch who has had scat fantasies about James Franco, this is your porn:
Has anyone checked to see if the art world is okay, because I’m sure it fell on its side after watching our modern day Andy Warhol parody our modern day Basquiat.
The poo is now in Shia’s court. I’m sure he’ll answer to James Franco’s “Just poo it!” video with a “Just Jew it!” video. And then James Franco will answer to Shia’s “Just Jew it!” video with a “Just moo it!” video. And Shia will answer to that with a “Just Coo-coo-ca-choo it!” video and they’ll keep going back and forth until we’re all “oooh’d” out and our minds explode.
The most frequently-mentioned name in December’s dishy leaked Sony email scandal, Amy Pascal (seen above serving up some white hot Jerri Blank-meets-Big Business realness), has announced today that she’ll be stepping down from her position as co-chairman of Sony Pictures. Amy has been with Sony since 1988, but I guess after a year filled with more back-stabbing and cattiness than a group of middle school girls whose names all end in -leigh, she decided to call it quits. Although she hasn’t officially quit Sony altogether; Deadline says she’s launching a production company within Sony that will focus on movie, TV, and theatre.
Meanwhile, no word on what’s happening with Angelina Jolie’s other nemesis at Sony, Scott Rudin, but it’s probably safe to assume that he’s not going anywhere and he’s already started working on his next volume of bitchy email poetry for Amy’s replacement.
Amy hasn’t said whether or not that messy Sony hack and the resulting leaked email drama is the reason she’s backing away from her desk as co-chairman, but I’m an irrational hot head who likes to point fingers, so I’m saying yes, it totally did, and it’s all that troublemaking trick James Franco’s fault for making The Interview! If he and Seth Rogen had focused their energy into making an unauthorized Freaks and Geeks spin-off about the wacky adventures of Daniel Desario and Ken Miller instead of making a movie that would piss off the angry Korea and make them leak Sony’s email secrets and cause St. Angie to stare deep into Amy Pascal’s eyes and damn her for all eternity, Amy Pascal wouldn’t be in this mess. And that, my friends, is what’s known as flawless logic.
Here’s James Franco arriving in Berlin yesterday. I hope he sends Amy Pascal a muffin basket that says “Sorry?” as well as a 1st draft of that Freaks and Geeks movie I really want to see: