Yes, WTF stands for What The Faulk?!
If you somehow made it through William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury and went away thinking that it’s pretty much unfilmable, this trailer for the movie version of it proves your ass right!
In “Something That Should’ve Never Happened In This Lifetime Or The Next” news, someone gave money to James Franco to direct and act in The Sound and the Fury, which also stars Seth Rogen (????) and Danny McBride (????????). Franco directed and wrote an adaptation of As I Lay Dying a couple of years ago, so I’m just going to assume that he not-so-secretly hates William Faulkner and has made it his goal in life to take a diarrhea on all of Faulkner’s works.
The Sound and the Fury follows the fall of the Compson family in the early 20th century. Franco put on a cheap mold of Gary Busey’s teeth to play Benjy, the disabled Compson son. Don’t expect to see the Funny or Die logo anywhere in this trailer, because this is one hundred percent serious:
I would not be surprised if the studio decides to retool that mess and release it as a remake of Simple Jack.
James Franco is always giving himself a hand job, self-sucking himself off and tongue boning his own b-hole. I mean that both figuratively and literally (he’s very flexible). So it was inevitable that we’d one day see James Franco getting James Franco off. In an episode of the AOL web series Making A Scene with James Franco, the world of Sex and the City crosses over into the world of Breaking Bad and there’s a fuck scene where James Franco as Walter White gives to James Franco as Carrie Bradshaw from behind. Alicia Silverstone is also in the episode as Charlotte (???).
AOL shit up a sneak peak of the episode and I watched it last night for some reason. The image of James Franco doing James Franco in bad drag is stuck in the deep parts of my brain. So I’m passing this clip on to you in hopes that the images stuck in the deep part of my brain will also be passed to you. It’s kind of like a more terrifying It Follows. James Franco fucking James Franco is at the 1:34 mark.
You’re going to need a palate cleanser after that, so here’s a classic GIF of the other Franco showing Franco how a Franco really fucks a Franco:
Art world savior Shia LaBeouf made a bunch of HIGHLY ARTISTIC videos for the graduating students of Central Saint Martins and in one of them, he said “Just do it!” over and over again. While shouting “Just do it,” Shia sort of looked like he was trying to squeeze out a rock hard stubborn shit that didn’t want to leave the canals of his ass. That must have lit an ultra artistic spark in fellow art world savior James Franco, because he pooped out a spoof video called “Just poo it!” Yes, James Franco did Shia LaBeouf and poo was involved.
While wearing chonies (Yes, I stared at that bulge so long that its outline is practically burned into my retinas), James Franco clenches his nalgas together and screams “Just poo it!” over and over again. It has the essence of a potty training potty infomercial starring the late Billy Mays. If you’re the sucio kind of bitch who has had scat fantasies about James Franco, this is your porn:
Has anyone checked to see if the art world is okay, because I’m sure it fell on its side after watching our modern day Andy Warhol parody our modern day Basquiat.
The poo is now in Shia’s court. I’m sure he’ll answer to James Franco’s “Just poo it!” video with a “Just Jew it!” video. And then James Franco will answer to Shia’s “Just Jew it!” video with a “Just moo it!” video. And Shia will answer to that with a “Just Coo-coo-ca-choo it!” video and they’ll keep going back and forth until we’re all “oooh’d” out and our minds explode.
The most frequently-mentioned name in December’s dishy leaked Sony email scandal, Amy Pascal (seen above serving up some white hot Jerri Blank-meets-Big Business realness), has announced today that she’ll be stepping down from her position as co-chairman of Sony Pictures. Amy has been with Sony since 1988, but I guess after a year filled with more back-stabbing and cattiness than a group of middle school girls whose names all end in -leigh, she decided to call it quits. Although she hasn’t officially quit Sony altogether; Deadline says she’s launching a production company within Sony that will focus on movie, TV, and theatre.
Meanwhile, no word on what’s happening with Angelina Jolie’s other nemesis at Sony, Scott Rudin, but it’s probably safe to assume that he’s not going anywhere and he’s already started working on his next volume of bitchy email poetry for Amy’s replacement.
Amy hasn’t said whether or not that messy Sony hack and the resulting leaked email drama is the reason she’s backing away from her desk as co-chairman, but I’m an irrational hot head who likes to point fingers, so I’m saying yes, it totally did, and it’s all that troublemaking trick James Franco’s fault for making The Interview! If he and Seth Rogen had focused their energy into making an unauthorized Freaks and Geeks spin-off about the wacky adventures of Daniel Desario and Ken Miller instead of making a movie that would piss off the angry Korea and make them leak Sony’s email secrets and cause St. Angie to stare deep into Amy Pascal’s eyes and damn her for all eternity, Amy Pascal wouldn’t be in this mess. And that, my friends, is what’s known as flawless logic.
Here’s James Franco arriving in Berlin yesterday. I hope he sends Amy Pascal a muffin basket that says “Sorry?” as well as a 1st draft of that Freaks and Geeks movie I really want to see:
After all the threats, hacks and messiness, The Interview was released onto the Internet and on 331 screens last week. The hackers threatened to unleash violence on the theaters showing it and so far it looks like the only weapon of destruction that caused people pain was the movie itself. No, I can’t say that since I haven’t seen that shit. I was going to watch it over the weekend, but then I discovered that I only had 4 weed buds left and I need at least 8 to get through a Seth Rogen movie. Nothing is more painful and scary than running out of the good shit halfway through a movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. I told one of my friends that and she slapped me back with, “Oh, so a person who makes dick and fart jokes all day is suddenly above a movie with nothing but dick and fart jokes in it?” Don’t you hate it when people tell you the truth?
NBC News says that Sony claims The Interview was bought or rented more than 2 million times during the Christmas weekend. It’s now the most successful straight-to-VOD release of all-time and forever. It made another $3 million in theaters. The Wrap thinks this might be a game changer and lead to other studios releasing new movies on VOD at the same time they release it in theaters. But then again, it might not. The Interview cost $44 million to make so Sony might not get their money back.
If anything good comes out of this Interview disaster, I hope it will be more new movies coming out on VOD. The world would be a better place if you could watch new movies from your couch, far away from screaming children, people getting up to piss every 5 minutes, hos browsing Tinder and oldies screaming, “WHAT DID HE SAY, ETHEL?!”
Since we’re on the subject of movie grosses, here’s how the weekend’s box office looked:
1. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies – $40.4 million
2. Unbroken – $33.3 million
3. Into the Woods – $32.6 million
4. Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb – $21.6 million
5. Annie – $17.3 million
6. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 – $10.4 million
7. The Gambler – $8.4 million
8. The Imitation Game – $7.9 million
9. Exodus: Gods and Kings – $6.3 million
10. Wild – $5.15 million
Deadline says that Unbroken did really well with “faith-based crowds” in middle America. “Faith-based middle Americans” is one way of saying “Brangeloonies who dragged their entire family to see their God’s new movie.”
But is it really a victory for the USA? Because staring at that picture of James Flacco and Seth Rogen celebrating the release The Interview by three-way kissing feels like somebody bombed my eyes. It’s like the ass-to-ass scene in Requiem for a Dream.
After all that, Sony said today that they will fart up The Interview in selected theaters and on VOD on Christmas Day. The country’s 5 biggest movie chains want nothing to do with The Interview after hackers (who are working for those dramatic bitches North Korea, so says the FBI) threatened them with a terrorist attack, so smaller theaters will show that mess. The Alamo Drafthouse in Richardson, TX, The Plaza Theater in Atlanta and the MX Theaters in St. Louis will throw The Interview up on their screens on Jesus’ born day. It will go up on VOD the same day. The CEO of Sony Entertainment coughed up this statement:
“We have never given up on releasing ‘The Interview’ and we’re excited our movie will be in a number of theaters on Christmas Day. At the same time, we are continuing our efforts to secure more platforms and more theaters so that this movie reaches the largest possible audience. I want to thank our talent on ‘The Interview’ and our employees, who have worked tirelessly through the many challenges we have all faced over the last month. While we hope this is only the first step of the film’s release, we are proud to make it available to the public and to have stood up to those who attempted to suppress free speech.”
Seth creamed out of his butt about this news on Twitter and James Flacco celebrated by posting that picture and thanking “President Obacca.”
Those of us who weren’t planning to see that mess can continue to plan to not see that mess.
Some people might be screaming, “STUNT! I KNEW IT,” but I don’t know. Would a major multinational conglomerate fake a major hacking, leak the private information of their employees, commit a criminal act by faking a terrorist threat and then blame it all on North Korea just so their shitty movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen can get more attention? What am I saying? They’d take a machete to a litter of kittens with cancer if it meant their movie would make an extra nickel.