The tragic end of Mariah Carey and James Packer’s love has been blamed on everything from her spending his cash like crazy to him being a violent crazy. But now sources close to Mimi says that their blessed union crumbled like one’s sanity after joining Scientology because of James Packer’s relationship with his business manager, Tommy Davis, who was once the main spokesperson for that cult of alien crazies.
Goddamn Xenudamn you, L. Ron Hubbard, for ruining the opulent wedding of this century!
On Thursday everyone was stunned when it was announced that Mariah Carey’s upcoming nuptials to billionaire gargoyle James Packer had been taken out back and put down for good. Actually, nobody was stunned at all, but who could have guessed what would come in the aftermath just a few days later? Continue reading
Yesterday, we were all hit with the tragic news that the classiest wedding the world has ever seen is not going to happen. The definition of true love suffered another kick to the asshole when the union between Mariah Carey (or “trophy in L’eggs“ as James Packer probably looked at her as) and James Packer (or “bottomless bag of money” as Mariah Carey probably looked at him as) sunk to the bottom of the Aegean Sea. They were apparently trying to work things out, but now the chances of them getting back together are as slim as the chances of Mimi posting an Instagram picture that hasn’t been ran through Photoshop four times and touched by a dozen filters.
Mimi’s side says that she dumped him for being a jealous crazy bitch who got violent on her assistant on a yacht in Greece. James’ side says that he dumped her for being a crazy spendthrift bitch who spent way too much of his money and may have cheated on him with a dancer. Today TMZ says that even though they’re done, Mimi still wants James to spend more of his money on her. Mimi had to take cash from her own mountain of money (GASP!) to be with him and she wants him to reimburse her for that and then some. Shame: Mimi has none and I love it.
When I wrote my first post about the break-up between Mariah Carey and James Packer, I definitely forgot what year it was, because not one part of my brain thought that shit would make a sharp right turn on MESS Blvd. But dumb me forgot that in 2016, a celebrity break-up can’t happen without accusations of a trick acting a violent crazy mess. There were rumors that the Australian Herman Munster broke things off with the Empress of Photoshop because she cheated on him, spent too much of his money and was rude to his family. Mimi’s side is telling a much different story.
Everyone has the sads today. Humanity has the sads because we’ve been cheated out of video clips of Mariah Carey cooing out her vows (read: lyrics from one of her songs) while wearing a modest ensemble (read: a pink diamond-encrusted bodysuit with a 25-foot long train) and standing next to a witness (read: the real Lisa Frank) at the City Clerk’s Office (read: an exact replica of Cinderella’s Castle that she had built in her backyard). Hello Kitty has the sads because she won’t get to walk Mimi down the aisle anytime soon. And Mimi’s bank accounts have the sads, because now she has to spend her own money since she and Billionaire Shrek are done! For now, anyway.
In that picture above, it looks like happiness is covering Nick Cannon’s face (and who wouldn’t feel happiness while working a camouflage turban that is very “Norma Desmond as Private Benjamin”), but he’s apparently filled to the top with sadness over no longer inhaling the sweet scent of champagne and chocolate-covered strawberry farts as he sleeps next to his wife Mimi. (Side note: I don’t know if Nick has converted to Sikhism or if he’s just really trying to make the “non-religious man turban” look happen.)
It has been almost two years since Nick and Mimi broke up, and a year and a half since he filed for divorce. They had a prenup, so they apparently figured out a property settlement and custody arrangement right away. All Nick has to do is sign the divorce papers and he’ll officially become Mimi’s second ex-husband, but he just can’t bring himself to do it.
As anyone who has lost 3% of their vision in both eyes thanks to being blinded by the 16-ton diamond boulder on Mimi’s finger knows, she is going to get married to Aussie billionaire Shrek and she can’t wait to say the words, “I take you Billionaire Shrek to be my lawfully wedded, always-full ATM.” Nick even congratulated Mimi on getting engaged, but TMZ is hearing that he still loves her and doesn’t want her to marry James Packer. Mimi is pissed, because she wants to move on.
Something is going on with Nick Cannon. First, Nick Cannon, who makes MC Skat Kat look like Tupac, reached the tip of delusion by challenging his sometime-arch rival Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle, and now he’s not cutting the chains tied to The Butterfly One so she can flutter off and be with her beloved soulmate: a never-ending mountain range of money. Someone should really tell Nick that if he truly loves someone, he should set them free and if it was meant to be, they’ll flutter back. Although, nothing could pry Mimi off of her billionaire husband’s yacht, because I doubt she wants to go back to a life of paying all her own bills.
And here’s Nick at The Nice Guy a few nights ago and Mimi leaving Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last week.