Mariah Carey wanted her former billionaire fiancé James Packer to slip a check for $50 million into her back pocket as she slinked out of their messy relationship. Mariah claimed that moving from NYC to Los Angeles for James put a deep dent in her bank account, and all the stress from James going all Timothy from Glitter on her assistant forced her to cancel the South American leg of her tour. It sounded like Mariah pulled that random $50 million number out of her Spanx-binded ass. As it turns out, Mariah allegedly just wants what she was supposed to get if she and James had followed through with their marriage and subsequent divorce.
The tragic end of Mariah Carey and James Packer’s love has been blamed on everything from her spending his cash like crazy to him being a violent crazy. But now sources close to Mimi says that their blessed union crumbled like one’s sanity after joining Scientology because of James Packer’s relationship with his business manager, Tommy Davis, who was once the main spokesperson for that cult of alien crazies.
Goddamn Xenudamn you, L. Ron Hubbard, for ruining the opulent wedding of this century!
On Thursday everyone was stunned when it was announced that Mariah Carey’s upcoming nuptials to billionaire gargoyle James Packer had been taken out back and put down for good. Actually, nobody was stunned at all, but who could have guessed what would come in the aftermath just a few days later? Continue reading
Yesterday, we were all hit with the tragic news that the classiest wedding the world has ever seen is not going to happen. The definition of true love suffered another kick to the asshole when the union between Mariah Carey (or “trophy in L’eggs“ as James Packer probably looked at her as) and James Packer (or “bottomless bag of money” as Mariah Carey probably looked at him as) sunk to the bottom of the Aegean Sea. They were apparently trying to work things out, but now the chances of them getting back together are as slim as the chances of Mimi posting an Instagram picture that hasn’t been ran through Photoshop four times and touched by a dozen filters.
Mimi’s side says that she dumped him for being a jealous crazy bitch who got violent on her assistant on a yacht in Greece. James’ side says that he dumped her for being a crazy spendthrift bitch who spent way too much of his money and may have cheated on him with a dancer. Today TMZ says that even though they’re done, Mimi still wants James to spend more of his money on her. Mimi had to take cash from her own mountain of money (GASP!) to be with him and she wants him to reimburse her for that and then some. Shame: Mimi has none and I love it.
When I wrote my first post about the break-up between Mariah Carey and James Packer, I definitely forgot what year it was, because not one part of my brain thought that shit would make a sharp right turn on MESS Blvd. But dumb me forgot that in 2016, a celebrity break-up can’t happen without accusations of a trick acting a violent crazy mess. There were rumors that the Australian Herman Munster broke things off with the Empress of Photoshop because she cheated on him, spent too much of his money and was rude to his family. Mimi’s side is telling a much different story.
Everyone has the sads today. Humanity has the sads because we’ve been cheated out of video clips of Mariah Carey cooing out her vows (read: lyrics from one of her songs) while wearing a modest ensemble (read: a pink diamond-encrusted bodysuit with a 25-foot long train) and standing next to a witness (read: the real Lisa Frank) at the City Clerk’s Office (read: an exact replica of Cinderella’s Castle that she had built in her backyard). Hello Kitty has the sads because she won’t get to walk Mimi down the aisle anytime soon. And Mimi’s bank accounts have the sads, because now she has to spend her own money since she and Billionaire Shrek are done! For now, anyway.