Category: Jakey Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal Didn’t Show Up To Taylor Swift’s 21st Birthday Party After She Lost Her Virginity To Him

February 17, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under: 3-year-old Taylor Swift FanFic written in the style of Judy Blume using lyrics from all of her songs.

Radar says that Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s one hundred percent natural relationship didn’t end because the expiration date on their short-term bearding contract came up as expiration dates usually do. Some source (aka a bored intern who analyzes the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s songs during their off-time) says that Taylor and Jake broke up, because he broke her heart after breaking her Cherry Cuddler with his peen. Taylor was a 20-year-old virgin and she kept her treasured cherry in a crystal glass case and didn’t plan on losing it until her wedding night. But after “dating” Jake for 3 months, Taylor felt like he was really the one and so she popped that pussy on his peen. After doing her right, Jake did her wrong by no-showing to her 21st birthday party. Radar says that the original title for Taylor’s album Red was probably Cherry Poppin’ Blues, because the entire album is about Jake. The source shat out this piece of pure truth.

“The day before — all was set — he was coming, no issues. But the day of, she doesn’t hear from him at all. No texts, no calls. Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.

Her breakup with Jake inspired every word of RED. The song that specifically references this ‘event’ is ‘The Moment I Knew.’ They lyrics are all about her birthday party and Jake not showing up.”

I’ll wait here as you pour yourself a cup of throat coat tea and swallow an entire bag of lozenges, because you laughed your tonsils raw while reading that quote. Radar’s source got it all wrong. Jake didn’t “take” Taylor’s virginity. What really happened is that he took the last cherry tart they made in her Easy Bake Oven and that really pissed Taylor off so she disinvited him to her birthday party and then sent him a strawberry-scented envelope full of their shredded contract. That’s how they really broke up. The closest Taylor and Jake ever got to fucking was the time they were playing dolls in her play room (as part of their contract, he was forced to do that) and he kind of humped her Skipper doll with his Bow from She-Ra doll.

And here’s the song in question, and yeah, it’s totally about how thieving Jake stole the last cherry tart without asking.

Jake Gyllenhaal And That Sports Illustrated Model Broke Up

January 7, 2014 / Posted by:

It really is hard out there for a beard, because both Lainey Gossip and UsWeekly say that Jake Gyllenhaal and model Alyssa Miller (Side note: It feels totally unnatural and wrong typing the first name “Alyssa” and then not typing the letters M-I-L-A-N-O afterward) are done with each other after six months. UsWeekly’s source says distance was the reason why they broke up, which means that it became a serious problem when he kept wanting to keep his peen at a far distance from her cooch. NO! Alyssa is off doing modeling shit and Jake is off doing movie star shit. The source spit this out:

“They fizzled out. It happened a while ago — before the holidays. He’s back on the scene. Things were really good between Jake and Alyssa right up until he had to leave for L.A. to go shoot a movie [Nightcrawler] in the fall. Then the distance really got to them. [Jake] was very taken with [Alyssa], but I think their work definitely drew them apart. They were apart for the holidays, and things weren’t good with them even before that. She’s very much a long-term relationship girl. He’s not as much of that mindset.”

The real tragedy here is that Alyssa was with Jake during his “starving himself for that Oscar phase. So in the beard portfolio she gives to potential clients is nothing but pictures of her with Jake looking like a heroin-addicted drifter. How dreadful.

Here’s Jake looking lumberjack hot again in Toronto two days ago.

Pics: Splash

Jennifer Lawrence Blames Cake For Why She Gracefully Fell While Accepting Her Oscar

January 7, 2014 / Posted by:

All of the covers and pictures for W Magazine’s The Movie Issue were taken by Juergen Teller, which means that they all look like crime scene photos from the 1970s of the pimps, john, hookers and crackheads who were all staying at a shitty motel when a low-ranking mobster was viciously stabbed to death in one of the bathrooms. Everyone (except for Lupita Nyong’o) in these pictures look like they’re the suspect in a murder case and are being interviewed by the police. Some of them look like their fear of the police is ruining their coke buzz (see: Jennifer Lawrence) and others look like they’re making a “come at me, PIGS!” face (see: Emma Thompson). And Amy Adams…. Lord, I just want to cover her with a soft blanket and give her some lukewarm hot cocoa from the vending machine, because bitch looks a wreck!

Anyway, Jennifer Lawrence is on one of the covers and W asked her about the graceful fall felt all around the world. Jennifer Lawrence obviously fell on those stairs because her huge, pink dress was the size of the head table at a quinceanera. But Jennifer says that she fell, because she was thinking about cake.

“I was at the Oscars, waiting to hear
 if my name was called, and I kept thinking, Cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk. I thought, Why is ‘cakewalk’ stuck in my head? And then, as I started to walk up the stairs and the fabric from my dress tucked under my feet, I realized my stylist had told me, ‘Kick, walk, kick, walk.’ You are supposed to kick the dress out while you walk, and I totally forgot because I was thinking about cake! And that’s why I fell.”

That quote is like charcoal fluid that fuels the Jennifer Lawrence backlash movement. Bitch is obviously lying. I mean, thought about cake right after winning a huge award? Bitch, you ain’t Kirstie Alley. Jennifer Lawrence has already been crowned America’s Newest Sweetheart, so she can quit it with the “I’m so RILL! I’m so aw-shucks-ey! I thought about cake at the Oscars!” shit. If she didn’t talk about butt plugs on Conan, I’d probably fill in an application for the Jennifer Lawrence Backlash Club. But I can’t hate a trick who openly talks about butt plugs. It’s a rule of mine.

You can see all the pics and read all the quotes from W’s The Movie Issue here. I’ve thrown in a few below. Grab the holy water before clicking on the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a diablo on meth.

Jake Gyllenhaal Screwed Up His Hand From Punching A Mirror

November 14, 2013 / Posted by:

And I’m sure you just screwed up your hand after punching your monitor when you saw this picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a malnourished Eddie Munster on meth. That’s some Faces of Transylvanian Meth shit.

People says that Jake Gyllenhaal was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday morning after he got so into his character so much that he punched a mirror while filming a scene for the movie Nightcrawler in L.A. Jake got a few stitches in the emergency room and while he was there I hope the nurses hooked him up to an IV drip full of liquefied meals from Outback, because it looks like his eyebrows are so hungry that they’re eating his face. Some source (aka Jake’s publicist) said this to People about the owwie on his hand:

“Jake flipped out. His character was looking into a mirror during the scene and punched the mirror in anger and broke it, cutting himself so bad he had to be taken to a hospital. The scene was emotionally charged and his character was talking into a mirror and he got so into it, he banged his hands against the mirror and it broke and cut him. It was all the scene and not because he was mad about anything else.”

This movie hasn’t even finished shooting yet and Jake is already working harder than Anne Hathaway for that Oscar. Bitch is going all out. I guess messing up his insides and outsides by going manorexic for a role isn’t enough. Now he’s  punching a mirror during a scene so he has an “I’m so method!” story to tell during his Oscar campaign. But you know who should really get the award here? Jake’s publicist for spinning this. We all know that Jake busted his hand in a fisting gone wrong accident. Nice try, though, Jake.

And what is happening to the hot white pieces of Hollywood? They’re falling apart! First, Zac Efron busts his jaw and now Jake Gyllenehaal busts his fisting hand. Prayer circle around ASkars before he sprains his vampire viking dick in a bizarre sex scene accident.

Jake Gyllenhaal Is Pulling A Christian Bale

October 22, 2013 / Posted by:

Well, I guess Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t sign up to Tom Hanks’ class at The Learning Annex called “I Fucked Around With My Body Weight To Get That Oscar And Now I’ve Got The ‘Beetes.

Jake Gyllenhaal used to look like a skinny Brawny Man dipped in lube, but since every damn ho in Hollywood thinks he can do it like Christian Bale (see: The Texas T-Rex), he lost a bunch of chunk for a movie role. Jake told People and UsWeekly at last night’s Hollywood Film Awards that he went on the low-cal ass dust and tap water diet to lose 20 pounds for his role in Nightcrawler. I first read that as “Nightstalker,” which made more sense since Jake kind of looks like a white Richard Ramirez. But nope, Jake is playing some dude named Lou who’s always hungry.

“It takes place in a land where I think there is a desert in a lot of ways, great opulence, and at the same time, great vastness and emptiness. I knew that [Lou] was literally and figuratively hungry [and I wanted to get into a] mode where I was always a bit hungry.”

So this Lou dude is suffering from the hungries so Jake wants to connect with his character by forcing himself to suffer from the hungries?  Method! Bitch needs to check his drivers license. Does it say Daniel Day-Fucking-Lewis? No, so he needs to quit it. Jake looks like a 50-something Chaka from Land of the Lost who once caught a cavewoman getting ravished by a tiny triceratops and is trying to kill that image from his brain by smoking the wrong stuff. That’s some Faces of Meth: Caveman Edition shit.

And how is it possible for his face to look HONGRAY while his eyebrows look well-fed?

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Hugh Jackman And Jake Gyllenhaal

September 7, 2013 / Posted by:

Here’s Hugh JackMeOff and Jake Gyllenhaal at last night’s Toronto International Film Festival premiere of Prisoners, which is a hardcore gay porn about a nudist men’s prison where the air conditioning doesn’t work and every inmate drops the soap. I wish. Never mind that Jake looks like somebody poured an entire bottle of Crisco over his head, he and Hugh laughed and giggled and cackled and laughed and laughed their b-holes off. They joked about how funny it would be if this picture was taken in the back of a closet and then they laughed about how Tom Cruise is probably going to Photoshop himself into the middle of this man sandwich. Laughs and giggles all around.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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