Jake Gyllenhaal Didn’t Show Up To Taylor Swift’s 21st Birthday Party After She Lost Her Virginity To Him
File this under: 3-year-old Taylor Swift FanFic written in the style of Judy Blume using lyrics from all of her songs.
Radar says that Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s one hundred percent natural relationship didn’t end because the expiration date on their short-term bearding contract came up as expiration dates usually do. Some source (aka a bored intern who analyzes the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s songs during their off-time) says that Taylor and Jake broke up, because he broke her heart after breaking her Cherry Cuddler with his peen. Taylor was a 20-year-old virgin and she kept her treasured cherry in a crystal glass case and didn’t plan on losing it until her wedding night. But after “dating” Jake for 3 months, Taylor felt like he was really the one and so she popped that pussy on his peen. After doing her right, Jake did her wrong by no-showing to her 21st birthday party. Radar says that the original title for Taylor’s album Red was probably Cherry Poppin’ Blues, because the entire album is about Jake. The source shat out this piece of pure truth.
“The day before — all was set — he was coming, no issues. But the day of, she doesn’t hear from him at all. No texts, no calls. Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.
Her breakup with Jake inspired every word of RED. The song that specifically references this ‘event’ is ‘The Moment I Knew.’ They lyrics are all about her birthday party and Jake not showing up.”
I’ll wait here as you pour yourself a cup of throat coat tea and swallow an entire bag of lozenges, because you laughed your tonsils raw while reading that quote. Radar’s source got it all wrong. Jake didn’t “take” Taylor’s virginity. What really happened is that he took the last cherry tart they made in her Easy Bake Oven and that really pissed Taylor off so she disinvited him to her birthday party and then sent him a strawberry-scented envelope full of their shredded contract. That’s how they really broke up. The closest Taylor and Jake ever got to fucking was the time they were playing dolls in her play room (as part of their contract, he was forced to do that) and he kind of humped her Skipper doll with his Bow from She-Ra doll.
And here’s the song in question, and yeah, it’s totally about how thieving Jake stole the last cherry tart without asking.
It really is hard out there for a beard, because both Lainey Gossip and UsWeekly say that Jake Gyllenhaal and model Alyssa Miller (Side note: It feels totally unnatural and wrong typing the first name “Alyssa” and then not typing the letters M-I-L-A-N-O afterward) are done with each other after six months. UsWeekly’s source says distance was the reason why they broke up, which means that it became a serious problem when he kept wanting to keep his peen at a far distance from her cooch. NO! Alyssa is off doing modeling shit and Jake is off doing movie star shit. The source spit this out:
“They fizzled out. It happened a while ago — before the holidays. He’s back on the scene. Things were really good between Jake and Alyssa right up until he had to leave for L.A. to go shoot a movie [Nightcrawler] in the fall. Then the distance really got to them. [Jake] was very taken with [Alyssa], but I think their work definitely drew them apart. They were apart for the holidays, and things weren’t good with them even before that. She’s very much a long-term relationship girl. He’s not as much of that mindset.”
The real tragedy here is that Alyssa was with Jake during his “starving himself for that Oscar“ phase. So in the beard portfolio she gives to potential clients is nothing but pictures of her with Jake looking like a heroin-addicted drifter. How dreadful.
Here’s Jake looking lumberjack hot again in Toronto two days ago.
All of the covers and pictures for W Magazine’s The Movie Issue were taken by Juergen Teller, which means that they all look like crime scene photos from the 1970s of the pimps, john, hookers and crackheads who were all staying at a shitty motel when a low-ranking mobster was viciously stabbed to death in one of the bathrooms. Everyone (except for Lupita Nyong’o) in these pictures look like they’re the suspect in a murder case and are being interviewed by the police. Some of them look like their fear of the police is ruining their coke buzz (see: Jennifer Lawrence) and others look like they’re making a “come at me, PIGS!” face (see: Emma Thompson). And Amy Adams…. Lord, I just want to cover her with a soft blanket and give her some lukewarm hot cocoa from the vending machine, because bitch looks a wreck!
Anyway, Jennifer Lawrence is on one of the covers and W asked her about the graceful fall felt all around the world. Jennifer Lawrence obviously fell on those stairs because her huge, pink dress was the size of the head table at a quinceanera. But Jennifer says that she fell, because she was thinking about cake.
“I was at the Oscars, waiting to hear if my name was called, and I kept thinking, Cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk. I thought, Why is ‘cakewalk’ stuck in my head? And then, as I started to walk up the stairs and the fabric from my dress tucked under my feet, I realized my stylist had told me, ‘Kick, walk, kick, walk.’ You are supposed to kick the dress out while you walk, and I totally forgot because I was thinking about cake! And that’s why I fell.”
That quote is like charcoal fluid that fuels the Jennifer Lawrence backlash movement. Bitch is obviously lying. I mean, thought about cake right after winning a huge award? Bitch, you ain’t Kirstie Alley. Jennifer Lawrence has already been crowned America’s Newest Sweetheart, so she can quit it with the “I’m so RILL! I’m so aw-shucks-ey! I thought about cake at the Oscars!” shit. If she didn’t talk about butt plugs on Conan, I’d probably fill in an application for the Jennifer Lawrence Backlash Club. But I can’t hate a trick who openly talks about butt plugs. It’s a rule of mine.
You can see all the pics and read all the quotes from W’s The Movie Issue here. I’ve thrown in a few below. Grab the holy water before clicking on the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a diablo on meth.
And I’m sure you just screwed up your hand after punching your monitor when you saw this picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a malnourished Eddie Munster on meth. That’s some Faces of Transylvanian Meth shit.
People says that Jake Gyllenhaal was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday morning after he got so into his character so much that he punched a mirror while filming a scene for the movie Nightcrawler in L.A. Jake got a few stitches in the emergency room and while he was there I hope the nurses hooked him up to an IV drip full of liquefied meals from Outback, because it looks like his eyebrows are so hungry that they’re eating his face. Some source (aka Jake’s publicist) said this to People about the owwie on his hand:
“Jake flipped out. His character was looking into a mirror during the scene and punched the mirror in anger and broke it, cutting himself so bad he had to be taken to a hospital. The scene was emotionally charged and his character was talking into a mirror and he got so into it, he banged his hands against the mirror and it broke and cut him. It was all the scene and not because he was mad about anything else.”
This movie hasn’t even finished shooting yet and Jake is already working harder than Anne Hathaway for that Oscar. Bitch is going all out. I guess messing up his insides and outsides by going manorexic for a role isn’t enough. Now he’s punching a mirror during a scene so he has an “I’m so method!” story to tell during his Oscar campaign. But you know who should really get the award here? Jake’s publicist for spinning this. We all know that Jake busted his hand in a fisting gone wrong accident. Nice try, though, Jake.
And what is happening to the hot white pieces of Hollywood? They’re falling apart! First, Zac Efron busts his jaw and now Jake Gyllenehaal busts his fisting hand. Prayer circle around ASkars before he sprains his vampire viking dick in a bizarre sex scene accident.
Well, I guess Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t sign up to Tom Hanks’ class at The Learning Annex called “I Fucked Around With My Body Weight To Get That Oscar And Now I’ve Got The ‘Beetes.”
Jake Gyllenhaal used to look like a skinny Brawny Man dipped in lube, but since every damn ho in Hollywood thinks he can do it like Christian Bale (see: The Texas T-Rex), he lost a bunch of chunk for a movie role. Jake told People and UsWeekly at last night’s Hollywood Film Awards that he went on the low-cal ass dust and tap water diet to lose 20 pounds for his role in Nightcrawler. I first read that as “Nightstalker,” which made more sense since Jake kind of looks like a white Richard Ramirez. But nope, Jake is playing some dude named Lou who’s always hungry.
“It takes place in a land where I think there is a desert in a lot of ways, great opulence, and at the same time, great vastness and emptiness. I knew that [Lou] was literally and figuratively hungry [and I wanted to get into a] mode where I was always a bit hungry.”
So this Lou dude is suffering from the hungries so Jake wants to connect with his character by forcing himself to suffer from the hungries? Method! Bitch needs to check his drivers license. Does it say Daniel Day-Fucking-Lewis? No, so he needs to quit it. Jake looks like a 50-something Chaka from Land of the Lost who once caught a cavewoman getting ravished by a tiny triceratops and is trying to kill that image from his brain by smoking the wrong stuff. That’s some Faces of Meth: Caveman Edition shit.
And how is it possible for his face to look HONGRAY while his eyebrows look well-fed?
Here’s Hugh JackMeOff and Jake Gyllenhaal at last night’s Toronto International Film Festival premiere of Prisoners, which is a hardcore gay porn about a nudist men’s prison where the air conditioning doesn’t work and every inmate drops the soap. I wish. Never mind that Jake looks like somebody poured an entire bottle of Crisco over his head, he and Hugh laughed and giggled and cackled and laughed and laughed their b-holes off. They joked about how funny it would be if this picture was taken in the back of a closet and then they laughed about how Tom Cruise is probably going to Photoshop himself into the middle of this man sandwich. Laughs and giggles all around.
The Hollywood Rent-A-Beard Agency must’ve just signed a deal with Sports Illustrated, because Jake Gyllenhaal’s last piece was SI Swimsuit model Emily DiDonato and his newest piece is SI Swimsuit model Alyssa Miller (seen above doing the “OHMYGAWD I Can’t Believe My Top Fell Off!” pose that models learn on the first day of class at Barbizon).
Page Six says that Jake and Alyssa (who kind of looks like a mash-up of every CW actress and Mary Hart) ate lunch food together at Dutch in NYC last week and that obviously means that he’s bearded up. Sometime between their lunch last week and today, Jake and Alyssa “made out” at a coffee place in Chelsea. I know, I won’t believe any of this until I see Jake and Alyssa touching tongues in a completely staged photo-op that was set up by his publicist. That’s the only way I’ll believe.
So while Leonardo DiCatchAHo is flipping through the Victoria’s Secret catalog and ordering Angels for every season, Jake Gyllenhaal is flipping through SI: Swimsuit Edition choosing his next beard. Why do Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated models get all the bearding jobs? Why isn’t there ever any love for the flowers of my personal favorite classy lingerie emporium Wicked Temptations?! I really hope Tommy Girl orders his next beard from Wicked Temptations, because if the modeling world is a garden then the models of Wicked Temptations are the dew drops on the petals of a freshly bloomed orchid.
And here’s a butch Jake walking around NYC yesterday.
The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella’s Prince and Rapunzel’s Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella’s Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they’re splitting that shit up in the movie.
THR says that they haven’t put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto’s partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as “brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed.” Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world’s premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.
Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe’s singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don’t care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here’s a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.
Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they’re able to sing is when they sing into each other’s butts. It’s what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!
And here’s Chris Pine at last night’s L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.
Man, that Suri Cruise chick is a friggin’ diva. And way too big to be carted around like that. NYC does have some dirty-ass sidewalks, but seriously. No wonder why Katie Holmes looks so fatigued all the time. She’s carting Tiny Tim Suri around like the girl has polio and she’s lost her crutches. Stepford Katie is supposedly dating Jake Gyllenhaal, according to The Sun. Jakey’s in good shape, so maybe she’s just looking for a dude to hold her snooty daughter. Or there was a glitch in her server and the bearding program was reactivated?
A source said: “Josh has been the mastermind behind this romance. Katie says that they have tons in common and Jake has already been to see her in Dead Accounts, plus she has been over to his apartment in the West Village for dinner.”
Dead Accounts is set to close, by the way. No one bought tickets. So she’s going to have time for beardin’. What do they have in common? They both used to have crushes on Tom Cruise? Oh wait, it says that Katie’s Dawson’s Creek pal Joshua Jackson set them up. Let’s throw that in reverse to get at the truth. Jake needed to borrow a Joey Potter wig from Katie to fulfill that “Anal with Pacey” fantasy he’s always had and this is clearly a publicist flipping the script for a “no homo” moment. I don’t blame Jake. Pacey was hot. Get that Capeside cock, gurl.
Update: Gossip Cop says that both of their reps deny this shit. That’s a good thing because that’s one boring-ass couple. What would they have to talk about besides gluten-free products? Boys, I guess.
Check out more pics of Katie Holmes enduring the burden of lazy-ass Suri in the gallery.
Taylor Swift missed her calling. Taylor should’ve been a torturer at Guantanamo Bay, because bitch knows how to put the pain on a grown man and leave him screaming for a rusty razor so he can murder his ears. Taylor’s newest assault on ears “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is supposedly about Jake Gyllenhaal, and she tells USA Today (via WOW Report) that she wrote that Pee Chee folder poem of a song as an act of revenge against her ex. Taylor’s ex hates the kind of music she makes, so she purposefully wrote a bubble gum shit song that would get tons of play and torture him everywhere he went.
“He made me feel like I wasn’t as good or as relevant as these hipster bands he listened to. So I made a song that I knew would absolutely drive him crazy when he heard it on the radio. Not only would it hopefully be played a lot, so that he’d have to hear it, but it’s the opposite of the kind of music that he was trying to make me feel inferior to.”
And when USA Today asked her why would she want to torment someone, she said, “Because that’s fun.”
Taylor is The Bad Seed of music. She looks like an Anne of Green Gables extra, all sweet and farm-like and shit, but she’ll viciously murder you in the face. Crazy bitch. When normal people want to get back at an ex-boyfriend, they do sane stuff like key the words “I Have Gonorrhea” into his car or stalk him so much that he has to move to a different state. That’s what normal people do. But Taylor has to get back at an ex by writing a song that will eventually play EVERYWHERE. So Taylor is not only torturing her ex piece, she’s torturing EVERYONE.
If you don’t believe that Taylor has the power to destroy men through her music. Just look at Wilford Brimley in the picture above. That’s the face of a man who was just brutally tortured by being forced to listen to Taylor’s album on the car ride over to Good Morning America.