Taylor Swift Might Have Had A Cry-Filled Breakdown Over Jake Gyllenhaal At A Golden Globes Afterparty
Which would make Lorde that friend who strokes her hair while saying “No girl, stop your tears – he ain’t worth it!!!“, I guess?
Even though Taylor Swift has been on a bit of a girl power I-ain’t-need-no-man kick recently, it sounds like she’s still a fragile ball of boy-crazy 13-year-old girl emotions. According to UsWeekly (via Lainey Gossip), the real life Stacey McGill found herself at the same Golden Globes afterparty at the Chateau Marmont on Sunday night with Jake Gyllenhaal, and it got all kinds of dramatic.
A source says that sometime around 2am, Tay Tay was seen freaking out on the dance floor and telling a friend “We have to go, we have to go.” Also on the dance floor? Jakey G, who was busting a move with famous dick enthusiast Rita Ora. The source says Tay Tay ran to the bathroom with a bunch of her friends, including Cara Delevingne, to have a meltdown, and emerged a while later with her eye makeup smudged to hell and pacing around the lobby. Eventually she moved it outside, where she was seen sitting on a bench with Cara’s arm around her.
However, Detective La Lainey has noticed that UsWeekly seems to have updated their original story, and it’s now 100% less like a melodramatic middle school semi-formal. UsWeekly is now saying that several sources claim Tay Tay was totally cool running into Jake. In fact, said “sources” say they saw Tay Tay run up to Jake and give him a big hug, adding that they were smiling and chatting and braiding each others hair and shit.
Hmmm…who to believe, who to believe. The first “source” who says Tay Tay was a blubbering butterscotch mess, or the second “source” who says she was totally cool and whatever about the whole situation? I’m going with the first, but only because the microchip in Taylor’s living doll brain is permanently set to 1960s Teenage Girl, so it would make sense that the second her eyes saw
Judy and Johhny Jakey and Rita Ora, she’d get all “It’s My Party” and start crying. She can’t help it, really.
Here’s more of Tay Tay arriving to the InStyle/WB Golden Globes afterparty with her BFF Lorde, the Haim girls, and the 35-year-old woman who hangs out with them, Jaime King:
Awww, it’s always a special relationship moment when you go from “secret husband” to “not-so-secret husband”. Take it all in, Romaine Dauriac! Last night, Scarlett Johansson attended the Gotham Independent Film Awards in NYC, and she brought her brand-new no-longer-secret secret fancy French husband Romaine Lettuce. People says that for the first time since they got secret hitched, ScarJo was introducing him as her “my husband”, as opposed to “the French dude who barebacked a bébé into me”, which is what I assume she used to introduce him as.
In case you’re anything like me (don’t ever admit that out loud, for your sake), I’m sure you’ve been dyyying to know more about ScarJo and Romaine Lettuce’s secret wedding. Thankfully, ScarJo hangs around with some Level-8 blabbermouths who have been spilling the details. According to People, ScarJo and Lettuce tied the knot on October 1st in Philipsburg, Montana. I don’t know anything about Philipsburg, but from what I can tell on Google Maps, it’s about a 2 hour drive to the closest Taco Bell (and really, that’s all I need to know).
But back to the Gotham Awards. ScarJo was nominated for Best Actress for Under the Skin, but lost out to Julianne Moore for Still Alice. Other winners included Original Recipe Batman Michael Keaton for Birdman, and Tilda Swinton, who got some kind of lifetime alien human tribute award for being Tilda Swinton, I guess.
Here’s more of ScarJo at the Gothies working some greasy teenage dirtbag boy hair, for some reason, as well as Jon Hamm looking foiiiiine as hell (“DUH!” screamed everyone with a working pair of eyes), Jakey G, and Uma Thurman looking like a fancy upper-class witch:
For that Nightcrawler movie, Jake Gyllenhaal lost a bunch of weight and transformed himself into a shriveled up cartoon worm. I saw Nightcrawler and damn, he looked like a paper skeleton and probably weighed about as much as one too. Dude was all eyes and I’m pretty sure all the weight he lost went directly to his eyeballs. His eyes bulged so much that he looked like a pug getting a prostate exam from a cold finger while high on meth. Jake probably lost the weight by only surviving on the hope of winning an OSCUH for that movie. It’s not going to happen, because starving your way to an Oscar is so 2013. But maybe putting on 15 pounds of muscle will do the trick.
Deadline farted up this picture from Antoine Fuqua’s Southpaw of a constipated-faced Jake looking as roided-up as one of Mickey Rourke’s dick veins. In Southpaw, which comes out next year, Jake plays a junior middleweight champion boxer who loses everything in a tragedy and has to fight his way back to “redemption.” Shit pretty much sounds like every other damn boxing movie. Antoine tells Deadline that Jake shot Southpaw after Nightcrawler, so he had to take his body from that of a malnourished, dehydrated polyp to that of Madonna’s. Jake spent every day in the gym and didn’t stop until he was covered in veins and muscles.
“Jake is going to change how people see him. I had him training twice a day in the boxing ring, he did two-a-days seven days a week. I pretty much had him with me and my trainer every day. I took him to almost every fight. I had him train at Floyd Mayweather’s gym in Vegas and we watched Floyd’s fights, and the Manny Pacquiao fight. He trained in New York at Church Gym with real fighters. We literally turned him into a beast… Jake, my god, he’s a very electric, powerful fighter in this movie, and a guy who fights for his daughter. I’m confident that this will change how people see Jake, as a leading man.”
Going from anorexic to Sylvester Stallone in a quick second (or however long it took) doesn’t sound fun. Just look at that picture. I don’t think Jake’s acting. I think his face is reacting to most of his internal organs freaking out from going from one extreme to the other. But get that Oscar, Jake.
In that picture, Jake’s body looks like the body of a 55-year-old West Hollywood gym queen who drives a yellow Miata and only owns sleeveless shirts, so yes, yes I’d hit.
Here’s also some pictures of Jake outside of The Late Show with David Letterman in NYC a few days ago.
There’s truly nothing cuter than the story of two gals letting their hair down and living it up during a night on the town. UsWeekly says that after shooting wrapped last month on the film Southpaw (I already checked and, no, it’s not a biopic about the long-lost Paw Paw Bear from Kentucky), Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal celebrated with the rest of the cast and crew at a local bar in Indiana, PA. A source (I know, SO EXCLUSIVE!!!) claims that Rachel and Jake kicked things off with a round of shots, then moved on to the hard shit: Grey Goose, Makers Mark, and Guinness. Yes, Guinness is hard shit: it’s hard to drink and it tastes shit. It’s like drinking a melted poo milkshake.
Once they got drunk enough, Rachel and Jake made their way to the dance floor, where the source claims Jakey Poo tried to do the Wobble Dance, which probably looked something like this. Eventually the dance floor got too crowded and Jakey didn’t have enough room to dance, so he and Rachel moved to a table in the back and kept drinking. They eventually left around 2am. No word on who held who’s hair back when they started barfing on the walk home.
There’s one person in this story who I am TRULY pissed at, and that’s the DJ at that Pennsylvania bar. The second Jakey G walked in with his beautiful beard (the one on his face, you guys, come on), that DJ had a responsibility, and that was to get Jake as drunk as possible, crank up Pony by Ginuwine, then whip out his cellphone and film Jake busting out some smooth drunk white dude moves. Isn’t that the sort of thing you learn in the first week of iTunes-101 at DJ University? Come on.
And this is what happens when two walking massive egos don’t have anybody in their lives brave enough to tell them to just stop acting, because it doesn’t do anybody any good.
Jay-Z and Beyonce are going on tour this summer and to promote that shit, they queefed up an almost 4-minute-long trailer called RUN
From Basement Baby and it is a ridiculous mess from start to finish. It’s like watching Lifetime’s remake of Bonnie & Clyde barf into the mouth of Spring Breakers while Heat pissed on both of them. It makes Carmen: A Hip Hopera look like an underrated masterpiece that future film historians will call a revolutionary cinematic experience. To show everyone that random celebrities love them and will act in a shitty vanity project for free, Beyonce and Jay-Z threw in cameos from the wart burned off of a hyena’s asshole Sean Penn, a glamorous looking Emmy Rossum, Jake Gyllenhaal, Rashida Jones, Don Cheadle, Blake NotSoLively and other hos.
Watching Beyonce and Blake NotSoLively attempt to act together in a scene brings up a question that can never be answered: Who is the worst actress? It’s like brushing two strokes of paint on the wall and asking, “Which one is giving us the most exciting show?”
And I don’t know why Jay-Z felt like he should narrate that mess. It’s supposed to be some kind of badass, hardcore action movie trailer and Jay-Z sounds like the voice of a toddler character on Rugrats who is all gums, has two teeth and is always suffering from post-nasal drip. Jay-Z’s talking voice is about as hard as a baby bunny’s first burp.
With all that being said, I would’ve loved the shit out of that trailer if at the very end, Basement Baby busted through the floor and drop kicked everyone involved.
Speaking of BB, here’s BB and Beyonce’s latest STUNT QUEEN show on Instagram:
Those are faces that make you cover the top of your cup with your hand and keep your eyes wide open, because if you turn away they will drop a roofie in your drink and the next thing you know you’ll wake up tied to a wrought iron bed in the attic of a country house in the middle of Missouri and these two will be forcing you to drink something that smells like chemicals and fruit punch while they tell you they want to show you the way to true spiritual enlightenment! DON’T DRINK IT!
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal got together before the Met Gala last night and said to each other, “How can we make everybody scream for an adult?” Maggie gave us some “Mrs. Roper after leaving Mr. Roper, cutting all her hair off and moving to a commune to find herself” shit and Jake looked like a Russian literature professor turned cult leader who rubs the thigh of anyone he’s talking to. Basically, they look like Father Yoda’s children.