And I’m sure you just screwed up your hand after punching your monitor when you saw this picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a malnourished Eddie Munster on meth. That’s some Faces of Transylvanian Meth shit.
People says that Jake Gyllenhaal was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday morning after he got so into his character so much that he punched a mirror while filming a scene for the movie Nightcrawler in L.A. Jake got a few stitches in the emergency room and while he was there I hope the nurses hooked him up to an IV drip full of liquefied meals from Outback, because it looks like his eyebrows are so hungry that they’re eating his face. Some source (aka Jake’s publicist) said this to People about the owwie on his hand:
“Jake flipped out. His character was looking into a mirror during the scene and punched the mirror in anger and broke it, cutting himself so bad he had to be taken to a hospital. The scene was emotionally charged and his character was talking into a mirror and he got so into it, he banged his hands against the mirror and it broke and cut him. It was all the scene and not because he was mad about anything else.”
This movie hasn’t even finished shooting yet and Jake is already working harder than Anne Hathaway for that Oscar. Bitch is going all out. I guess messing up his insides and outsides by going manorexic for a role isn’t enough. Now he’s punching a mirror during a scene so he has an “I’m so method!” story to tell during his Oscar campaign. But you know who should really get the award here? Jake’s publicist for spinning this. We all know that Jake busted his hand in a fisting gone wrong accident. Nice try, though, Jake.
And what is happening to the hot white pieces of Hollywood? They’re falling apart! First, Zac Efron busts his jaw and now Jake Gyllenehaal busts his fisting hand. Prayer circle around ASkars before he sprains his vampire viking dick in a bizarre sex scene accident.
Well, I guess Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t sign up to Tom Hanks’ class at The Learning Annex called “I Fucked Around With My Body Weight To Get That Oscar And Now I’ve Got The ‘Beetes.”
Jake Gyllenhaal used to look like a skinny Brawny Man dipped in lube, but since every damn ho in Hollywood thinks he can do it like Christian Bale (see: The Texas T-Rex), he lost a bunch of chunk for a movie role. Jake told People and UsWeekly at last night’s Hollywood Film Awards that he went on the low-cal ass dust and tap water diet to lose 20 pounds for his role in Nightcrawler. I first read that as “Nightstalker,” which made more sense since Jake kind of looks like a white Richard Ramirez. But nope, Jake is playing some dude named Lou who’s always hungry.
“It takes place in a land where I think there is a desert in a lot of ways, great opulence, and at the same time, great vastness and emptiness. I knew that [Lou] was literally and figuratively hungry [and I wanted to get into a] mode where I was always a bit hungry.”
So this Lou dude is suffering from the hungries so Jake wants to connect with his character by forcing himself to suffer from the hungries? Method! Bitch needs to check his drivers license. Does it say Daniel Day-Fucking-Lewis? No, so he needs to quit it. Jake looks like a 50-something Chaka from Land of the Lost who once caught a cavewoman getting ravished by a tiny triceratops and is trying to kill that image from his brain by smoking the wrong stuff. That’s some Faces of Meth: Caveman Edition shit.
And how is it possible for his face to look HONGRAY while his eyebrows look well-fed?
Here’s Hugh JackMeOff and Jake Gyllenhaal at last night’s Toronto International Film Festival premiere of Prisoners, which is a hardcore gay porn about a nudist men’s prison where the air conditioning doesn’t work and every inmate drops the soap. I wish. Never mind that Jake looks like somebody poured an entire bottle of Crisco over his head, he and Hugh laughed and giggled and cackled and laughed and laughed their b-holes off. They joked about how funny it would be if this picture was taken in the back of a closet and then they laughed about how Tom Cruise is probably going to Photoshop himself into the middle of this man sandwich. Laughs and giggles all around.
The Hollywood Rent-A-Beard Agency must’ve just signed a deal with Sports Illustrated, because Jake Gyllenhaal’s last piece was SI Swimsuit model Emily DiDonato and his newest piece is SI Swimsuit model Alyssa Miller (seen above doing the “OHMYGAWD I Can’t Believe My Top Fell Off!” pose that models learn on the first day of class at Barbizon).
Page Six says that Jake and Alyssa (who kind of looks like a mash-up of every CW actress and Mary Hart) ate lunch food together at Dutch in NYC last week and that obviously means that he’s bearded up. Sometime between their lunch last week and today, Jake and Alyssa “made out” at a coffee place in Chelsea. I know, I won’t believe any of this until I see Jake and Alyssa touching tongues in a completely staged photo-op that was set up by his publicist. That’s the only way I’ll believe.
So while Leonardo DiCatchAHo is flipping through the Victoria’s Secret catalog and ordering Angels for every season, Jake Gyllenhaal is flipping through SI: Swimsuit Edition choosing his next beard. Why do Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated models get all the bearding jobs? Why isn’t there ever any love for the flowers of my personal favorite classy lingerie emporium Wicked Temptations?! I really hope Tommy Girl orders his next beard from Wicked Temptations, because if the modeling world is a garden then the models of Wicked Temptations are the dew drops on the petals of a freshly bloomed orchid.
And here’s a butch Jake walking around NYC yesterday.
The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella’s Prince and Rapunzel’s Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella’s Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they’re splitting that shit up in the movie.
THR says that they haven’t put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto’s partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as “brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed.” Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world’s premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.
Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe’s singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don’t care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here’s a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.
Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they’re able to sing is when they sing into each other’s butts. It’s what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!
And here’s Chris Pine at last night’s L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.
Man, that Suri Cruise chick is a friggin’ diva. And way too big to be carted around like that. NYC does have some dirty-ass sidewalks, but seriously. No wonder why Katie Holmes looks so fatigued all the time. She’s carting Tiny Tim Suri around like the girl has polio and she’s lost her crutches. Stepford Katie is supposedly dating Jake Gyllenhaal, according to The Sun. Jakey’s in good shape, so maybe she’s just looking for a dude to hold her snooty daughter. Or there was a glitch in her server and the bearding program was reactivated?
A source said: “Josh has been the mastermind behind this romance. Katie says that they have tons in common and Jake has already been to see her in Dead Accounts, plus she has been over to his apartment in the West Village for dinner.”
Dead Accounts is set to close, by the way. No one bought tickets. So she’s going to have time for beardin’. What do they have in common? They both used to have crushes on Tom Cruise? Oh wait, it says that Katie’s Dawson’s Creek pal Joshua Jackson set them up. Let’s throw that in reverse to get at the truth. Jake needed to borrow a Joey Potter wig from Katie to fulfill that “Anal with Pacey” fantasy he’s always had and this is clearly a publicist flipping the script for a “no homo” moment. I don’t blame Jake. Pacey was hot. Get that Capeside cock, gurl.
Update: Gossip Cop says that both of their reps deny this shit. That’s a good thing because that’s one boring-ass couple. What would they have to talk about besides gluten-free products? Boys, I guess.
Check out more pics of Katie Holmes enduring the burden of lazy-ass Suri in the gallery.
Taylor Swift missed her calling. Taylor should’ve been a torturer at Guantanamo Bay, because bitch knows how to put the pain on a grown man and leave him screaming for a rusty razor so he can murder his ears. Taylor’s newest assault on ears “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is supposedly about Jake Gyllenhaal, and she tells USA Today (via WOW Report) that she wrote that Pee Chee folder poem of a song as an act of revenge against her ex. Taylor’s ex hates the kind of music she makes, so she purposefully wrote a bubble gum shit song that would get tons of play and torture him everywhere he went.
“He made me feel like I wasn’t as good or as relevant as these hipster bands he listened to. So I made a song that I knew would absolutely drive him crazy when he heard it on the radio. Not only would it hopefully be played a lot, so that he’d have to hear it, but it’s the opposite of the kind of music that he was trying to make me feel inferior to.”
And when USA Today asked her why would she want to torment someone, she said, “Because that’s fun.”
Taylor is The Bad Seed of music. She looks like an Anne of Green Gables extra, all sweet and farm-like and shit, but she’ll viciously murder you in the face. Crazy bitch. When normal people want to get back at an ex-boyfriend, they do sane stuff like key the words “I Have Gonorrhea” into his car or stalk him so much that he has to move to a different state. That’s what normal people do. But Taylor has to get back at an ex by writing a song that will eventually play EVERYWHERE. So Taylor is not only torturing her ex piece, she’s torturing EVERYONE.
If you don’t believe that Taylor has the power to destroy men through her music. Just look at Wilford Brimley in the picture above. That’s the face of a man who was just brutally tortured by being forced to listen to Taylor’s album on the car ride over to Good Morning America.
Ever since Taylor Swift’s Sweet Valley High episode of a song “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” came out, every ho with only time on their hands (see: bloggers, the media, bloggers, office workers, bloggers and the unemployed on a break from watching People’s Court reruns) has been wondering WHO IS IT ABOUT?!!! Joe Jonas already said, “Gurrrrl, it ain’t me” and based on the title alone, most of us figured it was about post-pubescence. But UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life) says they know who it is and they say Jake Gyllenhaal was the inspiration for that mess.
A source tells UsWeekly that the song is one hundred percent about Jake and she even used a Jake look-alike (who looks like Jake about as much as the pimple on my belly button looks like Jake, see: video below) in her video. Taylor told Nightline (via HuffPo) that she decided to write the song after her ex-boyfriend’s friend came into the studio and heard that she was getting back together with his ass. Taylor said, “When he leaves, Max and Johan are like, ‘So what’s the story behind that?’ And so I start telling them the story of break up, get back together, break up, get back together, just, ugh, the worst.”
The Jakey guess makes the most sense. I can totally picture Jake and Taylor sitting at opposite sides of a long conference table with their team of lawyers in a fancy law office in Century City, CA, going back and forth about the details of their relationship contract. “I’ll give you 2 staged kissing photo-ops a month, but NO TONGUE and you can’t write a song about me” is probably what Jake shouted at Taylor before she stood up and screamed the words that would go on to become the title of her #1 single! That’s totally how it went.
And here’s Taylor showing all of us that she’s America’s answer to Avril Lavigne, which means that she’ll eventually make the bald eagle hang himself by marrying America’s answer to Chad Kroeger: Scott Stapp.
Listening to that song again makes me feel like I just played the worst game of Girl Talk Date Line that has ever been played and lost.
Maggie Gyllenhaal has birthed out yet another little girl who gets to play Barbies in her playroom with Uncle Jakey (SPOILER ALERT: Jakey’s always gets to be Midge. Always.). Maggie’s rep tell UsWeekly that her second daughter with Peter Sarsgaard was born on April 19th in NYC. Just like Jack Osbourne and Lily Allen, Maggie and Peter have given their daughter the name of a 73-year-old southern memaw who holds the record as Piggy Wiggly’s longest serving employee and whose hair hasn’t been out of a bun since the 40s. Maggie and Peter named their second kid:
I can’t hate on the name Gloria Ray at all, because: a) Any name that is also the title of a Laura Branigan song is a good name and; b) Just shouting the name “Gloria Ray” out loud makes me feel like a southern mother from the 50s calling her daughter in for supper.
And meanwhile, Jessica Simpson’s wombschooled unborn baby just graduated from the 3rd grade.
Page Six reports that at the after-party for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show the other night, Leonardo DiCatchAHo strolled in with a gift registry scanner in hand, ready to scan the barcodes on all the models he wants for Christmas. But one source says that 37-year-old Leo (Happy Birfday, Leo!) put down his scanner when his eyes landed on 19-year-old model Karlie Kloss. Leo mostly stayed at his table with Gay Fish, Lukas Haas and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but his gaze stayed fixed on Karlie’s barely legal ass. The George Clooney-ing of Leo has officially begun.
The source said that Leo kept trolling around the party for models before settling into the “boys’ table” to stare at Karlie, “He couldn’t take his eyes off her….but it wasn’t clear whether he made a move.”
Leo would never make a move at a party. Leo is a born romantic, a total gentlemen and completely traditional. If Leo wants a date with Karlie, he’ll order her through the Victoria’s Secret catalog and make sure to get a receipt just in case he has to return her for talking too much (that’s option “d” on the return order form).
Leo is seriously a beige windbreaker and a moustache away from being that creeper who trolls college campuses looking for young girls he can go up to and say, “Has anybody told you that you can be a model?” One of those creepers types pulled that on my friend once and gave her a flyer for a totally fake modeling agency. This broke ass flyer didn’t have a telephone number on it, but it did have an e-mail address that read something like: email@example.com. What kind of sexual predator really thinks that a girl is going to fall for an e-mail address like that? No serious modeling agency would ever use Hotmail.
Meanwhile, a source says that Jakey Gyllenhaal was at the same party and spent 30 minutes talking to Brazilian model Izabel Goulart. Yes, talking. That’s what we’re calling “a beard fitting” these days.