There’s truly nothing cuter than the story of two gals letting their hair down and living it up during a night on the town. UsWeekly says that after shooting wrapped last month on the film Southpaw (I already checked and, no, it’s not a biopic about the long-lost Paw Paw Bear from Kentucky), Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal celebrated with the rest of the cast and crew at a local bar in Indiana, PA. A source (I know, SO EXCLUSIVE!!!) claims that Rachel and Jake kicked things off with a round of shots, then moved on to the hard shit: Grey Goose, Makers Mark, and Guinness. Yes, Guinness is hard shit: it’s hard to drink and it tastes shit. It’s like drinking a melted poo milkshake.
Once they got drunk enough, Rachel and Jake made their way to the dance floor, where the source claims Jakey Poo tried to do the Wobble Dance, which probably looked something like this. Eventually the dance floor got too crowded and Jakey didn’t have enough room to dance, so he and Rachel moved to a table in the back and kept drinking. They eventually left around 2am. No word on who held who’s hair back when they started barfing on the walk home.
There’s one person in this story who I am TRULY pissed at, and that’s the DJ at that Pennsylvania bar. The second Jakey G walked in with his beautiful beard (the one on his face, you guys, come on), that DJ had a responsibility, and that was to get Jake as drunk as possible, crank up Pony by Ginuwine, then whip out his cellphone and film Jake busting out some smooth drunk white dude moves. Isn’t that the sort of thing you learn in the first week of iTunes-101 at DJ University? Come on.
And this is what happens when two walking massive egos don’t have anybody in their lives brave enough to tell them to just stop acting, because it doesn’t do anybody any good.
Jay-Z and Beyonce are going on tour this summer and to promote that shit, they queefed up an almost 4-minute-long trailer called RUN
From Basement Baby and it is a ridiculous mess from start to finish. It’s like watching Lifetime’s remake of Bonnie & Clyde barf into the mouth of Spring Breakers while Heat pissed on both of them. It makes Carmen: A Hip Hopera look like an underrated masterpiece that future film historians will call a revolutionary cinematic experience. To show everyone that random celebrities love them and will act in a shitty vanity project for free, Beyonce and Jay-Z threw in cameos from the wart burned off of a hyena’s asshole Sean Penn, a glamorous looking Emmy Rossum, Jake Gyllenhaal, Rashida Jones, Don Cheadle, Blake NotSoLively and other hos.
Watching Beyonce and Blake NotSoLively attempt to act together in a scene brings up a question that can never be answered: Who is the worst actress? It’s like brushing two strokes of paint on the wall and asking, “Which one is giving us the most exciting show?”
And I don’t know why Jay-Z felt like he should narrate that mess. It’s supposed to be some kind of badass, hardcore action movie trailer and Jay-Z sounds like the voice of a toddler character on Rugrats who is all gums, has two teeth and is always suffering from post-nasal drip. Jay-Z’s talking voice is about as hard as a baby bunny’s first burp.
With all that being said, I would’ve loved the shit out of that trailer if at the very end, Basement Baby busted through the floor and drop kicked everyone involved.
Speaking of BB, here’s BB and Beyonce’s latest STUNT QUEEN show on Instagram:
Those are faces that make you cover the top of your cup with your hand and keep your eyes wide open, because if you turn away they will drop a roofie in your drink and the next thing you know you’ll wake up tied to a wrought iron bed in the attic of a country house in the middle of Missouri and these two will be forcing you to drink something that smells like chemicals and fruit punch while they tell you they want to show you the way to true spiritual enlightenment! DON’T DRINK IT!
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal got together before the Met Gala last night and said to each other, “How can we make everybody scream for an adult?” Maggie gave us some “Mrs. Roper after leaving Mr. Roper, cutting all her hair off and moving to a commune to find herself” shit and Jake looked like a Russian literature professor turned cult leader who rubs the thigh of anyone he’s talking to. Basically, they look like Father Yoda’s children.
Jake Gyllenhaal Didn’t Show Up To Taylor Swift’s 21st Birthday Party After She Lost Her Virginity To Him
File this under: 3-year-old Taylor Swift FanFic written in the style of Judy Blume using lyrics from all of her songs.
Radar says that Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s one hundred percent natural relationship didn’t end because the expiration date on their short-term bearding contract came up as expiration dates usually do. Some source (aka a bored intern who analyzes the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s songs during their off-time) says that Taylor and Jake broke up, because he broke her heart after breaking her Cherry Cuddler with his peen. Taylor was a 20-year-old virgin and she kept her treasured cherry in a crystal glass case and didn’t plan on losing it until her wedding night. But after “dating” Jake for 3 months, Taylor felt like he was really the one and so she popped that pussy on his peen. After doing her right, Jake did her wrong by no-showing to her 21st birthday party. Radar says that the original title for Taylor’s album Red was probably Cherry Poppin’ Blues, because the entire album is about Jake. The source shat out this piece of pure truth.
“The day before — all was set — he was coming, no issues. But the day of, she doesn’t hear from him at all. No texts, no calls. Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.
Her breakup with Jake inspired every word of RED. The song that specifically references this ‘event’ is ‘The Moment I Knew.’ They lyrics are all about her birthday party and Jake not showing up.”
I’ll wait here as you pour yourself a cup of throat coat tea and swallow an entire bag of lozenges, because you laughed your tonsils raw while reading that quote. Radar’s source got it all wrong. Jake didn’t “take” Taylor’s virginity. What really happened is that he took the last cherry tart they made in her Easy Bake Oven and that really pissed Taylor off so she disinvited him to her birthday party and then sent him a strawberry-scented envelope full of their shredded contract. That’s how they really broke up. The closest Taylor and Jake ever got to fucking was the time they were playing dolls in her play room (as part of their contract, he was forced to do that) and he kind of humped her Skipper doll with his Bow from She-Ra doll.
And here’s the song in question, and yeah, it’s totally about how thieving Jake stole the last cherry tart without asking.
It really is hard out there for a beard, because both Lainey Gossip and UsWeekly say that Jake Gyllenhaal and model Alyssa Miller (Side note: It feels totally unnatural and wrong typing the first name “Alyssa” and then not typing the letters M-I-L-A-N-O afterward) are done with each other after six months. UsWeekly’s source says distance was the reason why they broke up, which means that it became a serious problem when he kept wanting to keep his peen at a far distance from her cooch. NO! Alyssa is off doing modeling shit and Jake is off doing movie star shit. The source spit this out:
“They fizzled out. It happened a while ago — before the holidays. He’s back on the scene. Things were really good between Jake and Alyssa right up until he had to leave for L.A. to go shoot a movie [Nightcrawler] in the fall. Then the distance really got to them. [Jake] was very taken with [Alyssa], but I think their work definitely drew them apart. They were apart for the holidays, and things weren’t good with them even before that. She’s very much a long-term relationship girl. He’s not as much of that mindset.”
The real tragedy here is that Alyssa was with Jake during his “starving himself for that Oscar“ phase. So in the beard portfolio she gives to potential clients is nothing but pictures of her with Jake looking like a heroin-addicted drifter. How dreadful.
Here’s Jake looking lumberjack hot again in Toronto two days ago.
All of the covers and pictures for W Magazine’s The Movie Issue were taken by Juergen Teller, which means that they all look like crime scene photos from the 1970s of the pimps, john, hookers and crackheads who were all staying at a shitty motel when a low-ranking mobster was viciously stabbed to death in one of the bathrooms. Everyone (except for Lupita Nyong’o) in these pictures look like they’re the suspect in a murder case and are being interviewed by the police. Some of them look like their fear of the police is ruining their coke buzz (see: Jennifer Lawrence) and others look like they’re making a “come at me, PIGS!” face (see: Emma Thompson). And Amy Adams…. Lord, I just want to cover her with a soft blanket and give her some lukewarm hot cocoa from the vending machine, because bitch looks a wreck!
Anyway, Jennifer Lawrence is on one of the covers and W asked her about the graceful fall felt all around the world. Jennifer Lawrence obviously fell on those stairs because her huge, pink dress was the size of the head table at a quinceanera. But Jennifer says that she fell, because she was thinking about cake.
“I was at the Oscars, waiting to hear if my name was called, and I kept thinking, Cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk. I thought, Why is ‘cakewalk’ stuck in my head? And then, as I started to walk up the stairs and the fabric from my dress tucked under my feet, I realized my stylist had told me, ‘Kick, walk, kick, walk.’ You are supposed to kick the dress out while you walk, and I totally forgot because I was thinking about cake! And that’s why I fell.”
That quote is like charcoal fluid that fuels the Jennifer Lawrence backlash movement. Bitch is obviously lying. I mean, thought about cake right after winning a huge award? Bitch, you ain’t Kirstie Alley. Jennifer Lawrence has already been crowned America’s Newest Sweetheart, so she can quit it with the “I’m so RILL! I’m so aw-shucks-ey! I thought about cake at the Oscars!” shit. If she didn’t talk about butt plugs on Conan, I’d probably fill in an application for the Jennifer Lawrence Backlash Club. But I can’t hate a trick who openly talks about butt plugs. It’s a rule of mine.
You can see all the pics and read all the quotes from W’s The Movie Issue here. I’ve thrown in a few below. Grab the holy water before clicking on the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a diablo on meth.
And I’m sure you just screwed up your hand after punching your monitor when you saw this picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a malnourished Eddie Munster on meth. That’s some Faces of Transylvanian Meth shit.
People says that Jake Gyllenhaal was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday morning after he got so into his character so much that he punched a mirror while filming a scene for the movie Nightcrawler in L.A. Jake got a few stitches in the emergency room and while he was there I hope the nurses hooked him up to an IV drip full of liquefied meals from Outback, because it looks like his eyebrows are so hungry that they’re eating his face. Some source (aka Jake’s publicist) said this to People about the owwie on his hand:
“Jake flipped out. His character was looking into a mirror during the scene and punched the mirror in anger and broke it, cutting himself so bad he had to be taken to a hospital. The scene was emotionally charged and his character was talking into a mirror and he got so into it, he banged his hands against the mirror and it broke and cut him. It was all the scene and not because he was mad about anything else.”
This movie hasn’t even finished shooting yet and Jake is already working harder than Anne Hathaway for that Oscar. Bitch is going all out. I guess messing up his insides and outsides by going manorexic for a role isn’t enough. Now he’s punching a mirror during a scene so he has an “I’m so method!” story to tell during his Oscar campaign. But you know who should really get the award here? Jake’s publicist for spinning this. We all know that Jake busted his hand in a fisting gone wrong accident. Nice try, though, Jake.
And what is happening to the hot white pieces of Hollywood? They’re falling apart! First, Zac Efron busts his jaw and now Jake Gyllenehaal busts his fisting hand. Prayer circle around ASkars before he sprains his vampire viking dick in a bizarre sex scene accident.
Well, I guess Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t sign up to Tom Hanks’ class at The Learning Annex called “I Fucked Around With My Body Weight To Get That Oscar And Now I’ve Got The ‘Beetes.”
Jake Gyllenhaal used to look like a skinny Brawny Man dipped in lube, but since every damn ho in Hollywood thinks he can do it like Christian Bale (see: The Texas T-Rex), he lost a bunch of chunk for a movie role. Jake told People and UsWeekly at last night’s Hollywood Film Awards that he went on the low-cal ass dust and tap water diet to lose 20 pounds for his role in Nightcrawler. I first read that as “Nightstalker,” which made more sense since Jake kind of looks like a white Richard Ramirez. But nope, Jake is playing some dude named Lou who’s always hungry.
“It takes place in a land where I think there is a desert in a lot of ways, great opulence, and at the same time, great vastness and emptiness. I knew that [Lou] was literally and figuratively hungry [and I wanted to get into a] mode where I was always a bit hungry.”
So this Lou dude is suffering from the hungries so Jake wants to connect with his character by forcing himself to suffer from the hungries? Method! Bitch needs to check his drivers license. Does it say Daniel Day-Fucking-Lewis? No, so he needs to quit it. Jake looks like a 50-something Chaka from Land of the Lost who once caught a cavewoman getting ravished by a tiny triceratops and is trying to kill that image from his brain by smoking the wrong stuff. That’s some Faces of Meth: Caveman Edition shit.
And how is it possible for his face to look HONGRAY while his eyebrows look well-fed?
Here’s Hugh JackMeOff and Jake Gyllenhaal at last night’s Toronto International Film Festival premiere of Prisoners, which is a hardcore gay porn about a nudist men’s prison where the air conditioning doesn’t work and every inmate drops the soap. I wish. Never mind that Jake looks like somebody poured an entire bottle of Crisco over his head, he and Hugh laughed and giggled and cackled and laughed and laughed their b-holes off. They joked about how funny it would be if this picture was taken in the back of a closet and then they laughed about how Tom Cruise is probably going to Photoshop himself into the middle of this man sandwich. Laughs and giggles all around.
The Hollywood Rent-A-Beard Agency must’ve just signed a deal with Sports Illustrated, because Jake Gyllenhaal’s last piece was SI Swimsuit model Emily DiDonato and his newest piece is SI Swimsuit model Alyssa Miller (seen above doing the “OHMYGAWD I Can’t Believe My Top Fell Off!” pose that models learn on the first day of class at Barbizon).
Page Six says that Jake and Alyssa (who kind of looks like a mash-up of every CW actress and Mary Hart) ate lunch food together at Dutch in NYC last week and that obviously means that he’s bearded up. Sometime between their lunch last week and today, Jake and Alyssa “made out” at a coffee place in Chelsea. I know, I won’t believe any of this until I see Jake and Alyssa touching tongues in a completely staged photo-op that was set up by his publicist. That’s the only way I’ll believe.
So while Leonardo DiCatchAHo is flipping through the Victoria’s Secret catalog and ordering Angels for every season, Jake Gyllenhaal is flipping through SI: Swimsuit Edition choosing his next beard. Why do Victoria’s Secret and Sports Illustrated models get all the bearding jobs? Why isn’t there ever any love for the flowers of my personal favorite classy lingerie emporium Wicked Temptations?! I really hope Tommy Girl orders his next beard from Wicked Temptations, because if the modeling world is a garden then the models of Wicked Temptations are the dew drops on the petals of a freshly bloomed orchid.
And here’s a butch Jake walking around NYC yesterday.