Open Post: Hosted By Jake Gyllenhaal Proving He Has No Patience For People Who Use Words They Can’t Pronounce
I learned something new about myself this week. Thanks to Jake Gyllenhaal, I now know that pedantic, bitchy, dismissive Jake Gyllenhaal in sweater is exactly my kink. During a Sundance press conference for the movie Velvet Buzzsaw (sadly, it’s not a Velvet Goldmine sequel so you won’t see Jake in skin tight lame, but it does have Toni Collette), Jake sternly corrected his director Dan Gilroy when he tried to say that Rene Russo has a “touch of melancholy”, but mispronounced it so badly it seemed like he might have been having a little seizure.
I thought that the Pussy Posse was a closed, Founding Members only type of club, but it looks like they are seeking new members. The good news for Jake Gyllenhaal is that his temporary card has arrived just in time for Christmas! Jake has finally met the final – most important- criteria in securing his place on next year’s Ibiza PP yacht trip. It’s been reported that 38-year-old Jake has been dating 22-year-old model Jeanne Cadieu since June. Slow claps from the Poop Deck from Leo DiCaprio and his main-man boo Lukas Haas, as Jake wipes a tear from his eye and slowly steps aboard the S.S. Under 25-Year-Old Chicks Only. Today is a beautiful day for the May-December romance.
It used to be that if you wanted to see new pictures of semi-private person Jake Gyllenhaal, you’d have to wait for a movie premiere, or pap shots captured during filming, or whenever he decides to date another famous person. Jake didn’t do social media before, but he does now, thanks to a role in the upcoming Spider-Man movie.
When an initial photograph of Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt was released from that Sharon Tate movie Quentin Tarantino’s directing that nobody asked for, some of us got it confused and thought it was a still for a 70’s gay porn film and got excited. OK, maybe that was just me, but I digress. Well, I may not have been off the mark by too much, because Gus Van Sant is talking about how he was initially pitched to direct Brokeback Mountain and was trying to get Brad and Leo to be the ones to play hide the salami in the Wyoming wilderness. Continue reading
It doesn’t take too much for celebrity dating rumors to get revved up. Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren could be sitting on opposite sides of first class on a flight to New York, and you could bet some asshole would write about how they got it on in the lavatory. By got it on, I mean they took turns getting off to the other reciting lines from Bridges Of Madison County and Caligula, but I digress. Donnie Darko and Princess Margaret, also known as Jake Gyllenhaal and Vanessa Kirby, were seen having lunch together Friday in New York, so that naturally has some people thinking they’re definitely fucking.
Page Six says their snitch caught the two having a “cozy lunch” that included all the requirements to make a publicity couple:
“It was touchy-feely. She was touching his hair. They were sitting on the same side of the table.”
In Vanessa’s defense, she was rumored to be dating Tom Cruise. Maybe she was just trying to see what Jake’s rug was made of to pass the word along to John Travolta back at the Scientology bathhouse. Before we get too ahead of ourselves, other snitches claim this is much ado about nothing. Vanessa was on The View last week and when they asked about the Tom rumors, she said she’s been dating Callum Turner for over two years. Either she and Callum broke up on her way to lunch, or maybe something might be off with this story. Someone claims Vanessa is just a handsy person:
“Vanessa is a very tactile person. She is happily in a long-term relationship … it was just two friends catching up.”
See? It was just two friends catching up with hair-touching and most certainly not her second stop on a round of contract girlfriend interviews!
During a game of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts on Wednesday night’s episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden, Drew Barrymore was faced with the lose-lose decision of ranking the talent of three past co-stars or eating turkey nuts. Drew is a vegetarian, so she avoided eating those balls by saying that Jake Gyllenhaal – her co-star in Donnie Darko – was the least talented out of a group that included Adam Sandler and Hugh Grant. But Drew isn’t a completely cold-hearted Gyllenhaater. Last night she extended an olive branch to Jake by showing up to the second season premiere of Netflix’s Santa Clarita Diet with a sign professing her love for him.
She also told Entertainment Tonight her answer was based solely on the fact that she didn’t want to scarf down those turkey balls.
“It was all fun and games and then every headline today was like, ‘Drew Barrymore says Jake Gyllenhaal’s the least talented actor she’s ever worked with.’ And I was like, no! Nobody reads the fine print, so I don’t even need to talk about it. All you need to know is this.”
But we haven’t heard from the talentless hack himself, Jake Gyllenhaal. He probably had one of two reactions: he doesn’t give a turkey’s left nut about any of this, or (and the most likely option) he’s extremely hurt, and has been trying to write Drew a letter about his feelings, but the ink keeps getting blurred by his tears. Really Drew, Jake deserves more than just a crummy half-assed sign. That sign was YARD SALE-quality at best. She better get working on a billboard, and please – give it some pizazz this time.