Category: Jake Gyllenhaal

Open Post: Hosted By Emily RideAJetSki’s Under-Titty Window 

May 19, 2017 / Posted by:

The brown-haired, dead-eyed wooden model named Bella Hadid is currently at Cannes. And the other brown-haired, dead-eyed wooden model named Emily RideAJetski is also at Cannes, and at yesterday’s premier of Nelyubov, she dropped massive amounts of black lace under-titty classiness on the red carpet. That’s a whole lot of look, but it’s Cannes! If you’re not delivering a whole lot of look, take your ass to the People’s Choice Awards. Although, since Emily is permanently suffering from a severe case of dehydration, she’d wear this to the People’s Choice Awards too.

It looks like some of the worst trends simultaneously caca’d all over Emily. Underboob? Check! Chichis window? Check! Nude illusion? Check!

On I Love Lucy, Lucy would sometimes wear this glamorous sheer housecoat thing over cigarette pants and it was a perfect vision of elegance, and Emily RideAJetSki’s look is like the version of that. This is something Sophia Loren would’ve worn back in the day if she was tacky, on a budget and suffered from narcolepsy so she needed a fluffy duvet handy for quick naps.

And just when you thought that Emily RideAJetSki reached the pinnacle of elegance with this look, she faced the front and showed off a crotch seam that looks like a never-ending sparkly landing strip (see: first picture in the gallery and prepare to be hit by the classiness of it all).

Here’s more from the Nelyubov premiere and I also threw in pictures from today’s Okja premiere because I just couldn’t ignore Tilda Swinton looking like a glorious albino alien mother of the bride.

Pics: Backgrid,

Open Post: Hosted By Jake Gyllenhaal’s Hairy Nips In St. Barts

December 28, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s that time of year again when those of you who live where the temperature is January Jones’ Queef  (read: ice ice cold) feel the icicles form around your frozen b-hole while looking at pictures of rich famous bitches frolic in the warm waters somewhere. One of those rich famous bitches who are frolicking in the warm waters is Jake Gyllenhaal who is spending his holiday in St. Barts.

Jake, his beard, his “pandas with jaundice” trunks and his friend (and not in a quotation marks and italics sort of way, she’s an actual friend) Greta Caruso (aka the daughter of David Caruso and Melina from the original Total Recall) were papped yesterday going for a swim in the ocean. Or if celebrities really are just like us, they were papped while taking a piss in the ocean because the bathroom is way too damn far away from their loungers. I’m going with that,  because in a few of the pictures, it looks like Jake’s Clan of the Cave Bear-looking ass is smiling the kind of relieved smile someone does while finally emptying their piss bag. And as he’s doing that, Greta is probably screaming, “Eww, Toothy Tile, aim thattaway, it’s hitting my leg!

Pics: Splash


Jake Gyllenhaal’s Crotch Shrub Is Magnificent, So Says Tom Ford

September 27, 2016 / Posted by:

If Tom Ford isn’t exaggerating, then the crotch crabs of the world probably whisper in each other’s ears about a magical land where the tall, luscious and mighty pubes grow wild and there’s enough room for all of them to freely frolic. That magical land exists on a human called Jake Gyllenhaal. Every crotch crab probably spends their entire life trying to get to that dick bush Shangri-La.

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Open Post: Hosted By Aaron Taylor-Johnson Working A Tux And A Questionable Haircut

September 2, 2016 / Posted by:

That haircut may be questionable, but it’s still no question that I would.

While Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s hair screamed army hipster dude and his beefed-up Ball Park frank body was squeezed into a tux, he posed with wife Sam Taylor-Johnson at the Venice Film Festival premiere of Nocturnal Animals today. Nocturnal Animals is Tom Ford’s second movie as a director and besides ATJ, it also stars Amy Adams, Jake Gyllenhaal, Isla Fisher, Michael Shannon, Laura Linney, Michael Sheen and Armie Hammer. I skimmed through a few reviews from Venice and most of them were good and a few of them said that this is the MOVIE OF THE YEAR. Others said that Amy Adams’ performance may have earned her a place next to Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Julianne Moore in the It Took Fucking Long Enough But I Finally Got My Oscar club.

While reading the reviews, I noticed that Nocturnal Animals got an R-rating for “graphic nudity,” among other things. The “graphic nudity” may go down in this scene (via The Hollywood Reporter):

An eye-opening sequence that plays under the opening titles features a hefty middle-aged burlesque dancer in drum-majorette accessories but otherwise naked, dancing in front of a red curtain.

If that’s the only scene in the movie that has “graphic nudity” in it, then Tom Ford needs to retire from directing movies forever! I mean, if your movie has “graphic nudity,” as well as Jake Gyllenhaal and Aaron Taylor-Johnson in it, and none of the “graphic nudity” is done by either them, then you cannot be considered a serious auteur. I’m sure that’s one of the laws of cinema.

Pics: Getty,

Open Post: Hosted By Jake Gyllenhaal As A Cracked Out Safari Pimp

July 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Don’t ask me what a “safari pimp” is.  Since when do I have one clue about what the hell comes out of my fingers? But if I had to guess, I’d say a safari pimp is a safari tour guide who takes tourists out into the wild by day and turns out lion, zebra and gazelle ass onto the stroll by night. It’s The African Queen meets The Mack.

Usually when a creepy, mustached man is flexing his thighs in shorts on the streets of Manhattan, everyone says, “Geraldo, Geraldo, we get it, you’re hot, put it away, pepaw.” But over the weekend, it was Jake Gyllenhaal who brought his hot thighs to the streets while looking like Freddie Mercury in Brian Fellow drag. Jake, South Korean actress Seo-Hyeon Ahn and the goddess of aliens Tilda Swinton covered the streets of the Financial District in Manhattan with even more layers of foolery while shooting Okja, the latest movie from Bong Joon-ho, the director of Snowpiercer.

Based on these pictures, you may think that Okja is about a young Tom Selleck who takes a break from his job as a ringleader at a Boy Scouts-themed circus to team up with one of Sia’s brain cells (played by Tilda) to kidnap a Korean girl.  But according to IMDB, this is what Okja is about:

A young girl named Mija risks everything to prevent a powerful, multi-national company from kidnapping her best friend – a massive animal named Okja.

So in other words, it’s about my last acid trip.

But it doesn’t matter what Okja is about because: Tilda + Jake as a jazz hand-wielding 70s Indiana Jones on meth = get that movie on my eyes now!

Pics:, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Lumberjakey

October 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s Jake Gyllenhaal in lumberjack drag on the set of Nocturnal Animals in Pasadena, CA. Nocturnal Animals is directed by Tom Ford and also stars Isla Fisher (she’s in the pictures too), Amy Adams, Armie Hammer, Kim Basinger, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Michael Shannon. It’s based on a book by Austin Wright and the plot goes like this:

Fifteen years ago, Susan Morrow left her first husband Edward Sheffield, an unpublished writer. Now, she’s enduring middle class suburbia as a doctor’s wife, when out of the blue she receives a package containing the manuscript of her ex-husband’s first novel. He writes asking her to read the book; she was always his best critic, he says.

As Susan reads, she is drawn into the fictional life of Tony Hastings, a math professor driving his family to their summer house in Maine. And as we read with her, we too become lost in Sheffield’s thriller. As the Hastings’ ordinary, civilized lives are disastrously, violently sent off course, Susan is plunged back into the past, forced to confront the darkness that inhabits her, and driven to name the fear that gnaws at her future and will change her life.

I have a feeling that’s not what this movie is about at all. I don’t even think it’s called Nocturnal Animals. They’re trying to throw us off. Based on Jake’s bulging serial killer eyes and his costume, he’s filming the untold and disturbing backstory of the Brawny Man. This is the story of the Brawny Man we never knew. The Brawny Man may seem comforting from afar, but when you get up close, you see the thirst for murder coming out of his insane eyeballs. One day while the Brawny Man was in his cabin cleaning up the blood of one of his mutilated victims, he got frustrated over how many paper towels he had to use. So he invented a super absorbent paper towel that easily soaked up a whole lot of blood. That’s how Brawny came to be and that’s the story that Jake is filming here. That look on his face will be in nightmares tonight.

Pics: Pacific Coast News


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