Michael K, as you know, just loves his weekends free so that he can drink boxed wine and pretend to watch Golden Girls reruns. I say pretend because I cannot, in good conscience, say that being half passed out on the floor near the TV is really “watching” something. So, he’s hired me! Hi! Hello! Hey! Hi! My name is Martin and I’m Dlisted’s new weekend writer and I’m pretty sure this is going to be like that movie Spotlight. Minus the Boston accents and Mark Ruffalo hunched over the entire time as a “character choice”. I like Sharon Stone, drinking and giving people the middle finger. That’s pretty much all there is to me. I also like messy shit and writing things that make me laugh – that’s why I’m here. With that said, let’s move on to the days of other people’s lives!
When people love each other very much and are tired of living in sin, the man proposes and they become an engagement. When the man in a dress makes the two people kiss, a white light shoots out and they turn into a wedding. Sometimes though, the man in the dress never comes and the engagement breaks and the two people go back to hanging out in hotel bars writing their names and numbers on cocktail napkins and being escorted to taxis because they’ve had too much grown up drink. This is especially prevalent in Hollywood and it is what has happened to Peter Facinelli and Jaimie Alexander.
Their reps, via People, said, “due to conflicting family and work commitments on opposite coasts, and after much consideration, Peter and Jaimie have chosen to part ways amicably and remain good friends.” Time and space apart always kill a relationship and that’s the number one plague in THE BIZ. The things these people go through for their art… (Peter is currently on Supergirl and Jaimie is on Blindspot.)
…but, consider this for a moment. I present to you Exhibit A, the only evidence in my theory and really the only one you need. Would you be able to go through with a lifetime commitment of becoming a wedding with someone that had allowed hair and makeup to do this to them? I THINK NOT! THE PROSECUTION RESTS AND CASE CLOSED! It still boggles my mind how a franchise that had as much money as Twilight hired hair and makeup people who have clearly never seen what human heads look like.
Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.
I don’t watch Blindspot, because I thought it was going to be a flop and shit canned after 2 episodes. I decided to watch Wicked City instead. I should really become a TV SLYCIC since I’ve obviously got skills. Blindspot was already renewed for a second season and Wicked Shitty was sent to the morgue after only 3 episodes. Speaking of the morgue, the star of Blindspot Jaimie Alexander reportedly thinks her dead body could be headed to the morgue in the near future and the coroner will write “Death By Fake Tats” on her death certificate.
After doing some soul-searching in India and Tibet, and finding itself with the help of the Dalai Lama and Demi Moore, The Slut Dress has come back to Hollywood with a new lease on life. The Slut Dress knows that the 90s are back, so it reinvented itself as the dress version of the Showgirls poster. Elegant inspiration for an elegant dress.
The new and improved Slut Dress mades it grand return on the body of maybe Wonder Woman Jaimie Alexander at the premiere of Thor: Dark World in Hollywood last night. Jaimie plays Lady Sif in that shit. The Slut Dress will now make its way through the bodies of Hollywood and it’ll make its final appearance on the body of some low-level Bravo reality shit show (I’m thinking MJ from Shahs of Sunset) star before it ends up wadded-up at the bottom of the last-call bin at the Off 5th outlet in Cabazon. Then it’ll reinvent itself all over again! It’s good to have your ass back, Slut Dress.
Jaimie Alexander is a classy flower to watch, because I’m all about an exquisite trick who steals the spotlight from Loki by letting everyone there know that the only thing separating them from her (NSFWish) smiling shaved snatch is a thin piece of black fabric. Flaunt that ass cheek, bitch, and work it like your Mazda payment is overdue and Sonia from Operación Repo just pulled up behind it.
Here’s some other hos (including Loki, Thor, Anthony Hopkins and Kat Dennings) at last night’s premiere.