36-year-old Jaime King, the sometime actress and full-time den mother to Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie girl gang of teenagers and 20-something fetuses, gave birth to a baby boy who will probably be known as “OHMYGODYOURETAYLORSWIFTSGODCHILD” for a while. Jaime’s second kid was pulled out of her body on July 16th, but she announced the birth of Taylor’s godson on Instagram today. Jaime posted that weird picture along with this caption:
We are SO happy to welcome to the world our new baby boy! Born Thursday, July 16th! Xx
Yup, they all look pretty happy about it. Jaime gazes at her 39-year-old husband Kyle Newman while he plays a thrilling game of Candy Crush and her other son James pretends like his world is riveted by whatever he’s holding because he really doesn’t want to hear his mom go on about how perfect of a person Taylor is again. That bizarre picture is also some Where’s Waldo shit, because I had to squint my eyes and rotate my head to find her new kid in that picture. I still don’t know. Is baby suckling on her tete or is hiding under that pile of blankets while holding his ears because he too is afraid his mom is going to go on about how perfect of a person Taylor is again.
Jaime and Kyle haven’t said what they named their son, because you can’t give it all away in one Instagram post. But it’s not hard to figure out. It’s either going to be Taylor, Taylor Jr., Tay, Rolyat, 1989 or TIG (short for Taylor Is God). Speaking of, if there is a God and that God’s drug is watching Taylor Swift scream internally, then her godson’s first words will be, “I love Katy Perry.”
During a recent interview with American Baby magazine (via People), Jaime King confessed that not everybody is pointing at her currently-pregnant stomach and smiling. Some people are pointing at her stomach, then pointing at the rest of her body, then wondering out loud if the baby living insider her is getting enough to eat in there. And Jaime King isn’t having any of it.
“People have made comments about how I’m too thin and need to eat a sandwich. I’ve seen it happen with other pregnant women in this business too — we’re either too thin or put on too much weight. All that matters is that you’re taking care of the nutrition for yourself and your child.”
Obviously nobody but Jaime’s baby knows if she’s eating right, so until the baby kicks a Morse code message that says “I’m hungry, send a turkey on rye“, those unsolicited sandwich hustlers might want to take a seat.
Jaime doesn’t name any of her sandwich pushers, but I bet one was Jaime’s baby’s Godmother, Taylor Swift. “Jaime, have you eaten a cucumber and cream cheese finger sandwich today? I want your baby to develop a taste for them in utero to prepare it for the millions of tea parties we’ll host together!” Speaking of both skinny types and Taylor Swift, Taylor performed a show in New Jersey last night and brought a bunch of her model friends on stage with her. And also Lena Dunham, who clearly didn’t get the memo about dressing like the member of a slutty superhero motorcycle gang.
She also managed to add to her famous girlfriend crew by pulling the entire US Women’s Soccer Team on stage. Taylor Swift has now collected more famous friends than the population of a small country.
Here’s the oldest member of Taylor Swift’s famous girlfriends crew doing the pap stroll with the youngest member, 15-year-old Joey King, last month in Beverly Hills.
Back in March, professional famous friend collector Taylor Swift was named the godmother of the baby growing inside Jaime King. And this weekend, she held up her end of the godmother deal by throwing a huge-ass baby shower and inviting all her famous friends to come and lavish attention on Taylor Swift…I mean, Jaime. It was totally about Jaime. I mean, it was clearly just a coincidence that Taylor got the coveted second-from-the-left spot in the picture above.
Just like Taylor Swift’s birthday party, Taylor Swift’s baby shower was packed full of famous people: Gigi Hadid, the Haim sisters, Hailee Steinfeld, Emma Roberts, Sarah Hyland and Joey King. Taylor also made sure to invite a couple of adults, like Jessica Alba, Nina Dobrev, Selma Blair, Diane Kruger, and Topher Grace, so that 36-year-old Jaime didn’t feel left out. Not present: Lorde and Ellie Goulding. Hmmm….
Taylor’s “I’m gonna be a godmother, bitches!” baby shower took place at Soho House in West Hollywood, which means that baby shower was already an expensive mess before the first exquisitely-wrapped present was placed on the gift table. And I’m sure all the best presents came from Tay Tay herself. Fuck a Bumbo and some burp cloths; that yet-to-be born baby probably took home a stroller glued together with the tears of her enemies, a framed plaque stating that a fancy breed of expensive cat has been named after it, the No. 3 spot on her best friends list, and the deed to a small island.
Here’s more from Jaime’s baby shower. There were so many famous people there, looking at the pictures is like playing Where’s Waldo, but instead of finding the dude in the striped sweater, you’re searching for the one non-famous normal person.
Sorry, but I’m not referring to Anna Wintour or that roided-up right arm of hers (seriously, she looks like she was cobbled together using the spare parts from a He-Man doll, and I am concerned). I’m talking about Harper Seven Beckham, who dragged her family to something called the Burberry ‘London in Los Angeles’ event last night. I know Harper is barely able to count to 20, but she’s already more sophistimacated than I’ll ever be. People says that during the show, an “insider” tells them Harper used her platform as the unofficial queen of the front row (sorry, Kanye) to school all those déclassé tricks on how to pick your nose like a lady:
“David doted on her the entire time, stroking her hair and chatting back and forth as she pointed things out on the runway. She would even clap along when everyone else did. At one point, she (I assume) told him she needed to pick her nose because he held up his hand to cover her face while she did so, then laughed after she was done and was wiping her nose.”
And here I am blowing mine, farmer-style, into a used McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper. Harper Seven should really consider pestering her mommy to invest some of her Spice World residual checks in a finishing school, because some of us could greatly benefit from her mentorship.
Sadly, there are no pictures of Harper and her family arriving at that Burberry event last night, but here’s everyone else. I want to say it was some kind of fancy British fashion event, but that would be a lie, because the fanciest British person I’m aware of, Hyacinth Bucket, was not in attendance. Instead, we have Naomi Campbell, Cara Della Reese, Ryan Seacrest, and a very pregnant Jaime “Not That Ja’mie King” King.
Fairy godmothers everywhere probably just started texting all the other fairy godmothers about how they might as well quit, because it’s only a matter of time before Tracy Flick’s more ambitious cousin Taylor Swift puts them out of a job. “I heard she rented out the Eiffel Tower so her godchild could have a private pizza dinner with Beyonce. The last thing I did for mine was turn a pumpkin into a coach. I can’t compete with that!”
The most adult member of Taylor Swift’s popular high school girls clique, Jaime King, is currently knocked up with her second child, and she decided to ask Tay Tay to be the baby’s godmother. Congrats, baby – you won the lottery, and you’re not even born yet! Taylor announced the news by posting a picture of her rubbing on Jaime’s pregnant stomach to Instagram last night with the caption: “Guess who just got named Godmother of this little one….. (ME)“. And Jaime double-confirmed the news by posting the following:
That looks like 97% of the awkward amateur photographer pregnancy photo shoots I’ve seen on Facebook. The only thing that’s missing is a giant script font watermark in the lower right-hand corner, Jaime making a heart shape with her hands, and Taylor looking like she just got called up from the basement where she was playing Xbox live (ie. shirtless with jeans and a look that says “Are we almost done?“).