Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
A couple of weeks ago, the University of Oklahoma hosted a Jack White show and before the show, the university newspaper, OU Daily, decided to print his contract and tour rider. The contract said that Jack White will make $80,000 or 90% of ticket sales (whichever is more) and his tour rider made it clear that he must have fresh guacamole made exactly to his specifications. On the rider was a recipe for Jack White’s guacamole, and yup, he likes it chunky. It didn’t seem that weird to me, because it’s not like his ass was asking for a new toilet or no brown M&Ms, but it got Jack White mad. During the show, Jack White slapped at OU Daily and he wasn’t done. Yesterday, he shat up a four million word rant against the media and their shameless click-bait tactics. Jack White might not be serious about his guac, but he’s serious about hos saying he’s serious about his guac.
Over two years ago, Karen Elson and Jack White were showing divorced couples how to really handle a break up by getting drunk together at an anniversary/divorce party. Cut to last month when Karen got a restraining order against Jack after he harassed her for months. The Nashville City Paper says that on July 22, a judge told Jack White that he can only contact Karen through e-mail and he can only write her about spending time with their two kids.
Karen’s lawyer Rose Palmero writes in a restraining order affidavit that Jack White has gotten crazy in e-mails and text messages to her and she’s afraid for her and her chirrun’s safety. Karen has custody of their kids right now and for months they’ve been scrapping over parenting rights. Jack wants to help raise their kids, but apparently Karen doesn’t think he’s fit enough to take care of an empty bottle of Jack let alone children. Karen has tried to get Jack to go to therapy with her, but he doesn’t want have anything to do with that shit. Jack just wants to rage the baby powder foundation off of his face while typing out messy e-mails. Karen’s lawyer gave some of those e-mails to the court. In some of those e-mails, Jack brings the crazy in heavy doses by telling Karen to get their kid’s school to move their child to a different class, because he doesn’t like that his daughter is learning next to the child of a musician he feels is copying his shit and ripping him off. The City Paper puts it like this:
Recently, according to the filing, White wanted Elson to contact their kids’ private school in an effort to get their kids out of a class in which another entertainer’s child was present. White said that he feels that entertainer “ripped off” his music, the order said.
In another incident, White berated Elson when she attended the wedding of a rival musician. Again, he was upset because this entertainer also “ripped off” his music, according to the order. The musician was unnamed in the court filing.
Jack White sounds like a 14-year-old after eating his first pot brownie. Dude sounds paranoid as all hell.
“My concern with Auerbach is because I don’t want the kids involved in any of that crap … That’s a possible twelve fucking years I’m going to have to be sitting in kids chairs next to that asshole with other people trying to lump us in together. [Auerbach] gets yet another free reign to follow me around and copy me and push himself into my world.”
Yeah, something tells me that Dan Auerbach doesn’t want to sit in a kiddie chair next to Jack White. He only wants to sit in a kiddie chair in the next room or anywhere that’s out of punching distance from Jack’s fist. And by “something” I mean this picture of the Von Bondies dude’s face.
The bad news is that Karen Elson and Jack White are biting off each other’s wedding bands after 6 years of marriage, but the good news is that there will be an open bar at their divorce party! Those damn hipsters really know how to turn an AWW into a YES!
Karen and Jack were married in Brazil on June 1, 2005 and decided that their time sleeping nipple to nipple has come to an end. They issued this joint statement to People:
“We remain dear and trusted friends and co-parents to our wonderful children Scarlett and Henry Lee. We feel so fortunate for the time we have shared and the time we will continue to spend both separately and together watching our children grow.”
The invitation to their anniversary/divorce party reads that the party is to re-affirm their friendship.
Yes, as a bitter cunt queen monster who feeds off of the scandalous lives of others, I’m a little disappointed that Karen and Jack aren’t throwing daggers of revenge at each other in the streets. But I guess it’s best to end a relationship the same way you start it: absolutely fucking tanked.
Happy divorce to Karen and Jack!