The last movie Jack Nicholson appeared in was 2010’s How Do You Know. If I was 79 like Jack is, I’d also only leave the house for the odd Lakers game here and there. But I guess the right project came along, and it was enough to make him want to put on some pants and go to work.
Sources tell Variety that Jack has come out of semi-retirement to star in Paramount’s upcoming English-language remake of the 2016 German-Austrian film Toni Erdmann. The film, which has received a bunch of awards, including an Academy Award nomination for Best Foreign Language Film, is about a weirdo father trying to reconnect with his workaholic adult daughter. He invents a character named Toni Erdmann and poses as a life coach. Kristen Wiig is playing his daughter, and will also co-produce the film.
Variety says Paramount is still looking for a director and a writer. Jason Voorhees totally just emailed his contact at Paramount a folder of creative writing samples. “Hey, so I recently found myself out of work, and I heard a job opened up over there.”
English-language remakes have a reputation of being no where near as good as the original, so I hope they don’t do a really great movie like Toni Erdmann dirty. More importantly, I hope they remembered to break the news to Jack Nicholson very gently that his 43-year-old co-star would be playing his (deep breath) daughter and not his girlfriend. You don’t want to shock him into a coma.
Did somebody say All You Can Eat Pepaw Buffet?? Well let me tuck a paper napkin into my collar and grab a handful of wet-naps, cause I’m boarding the train to Shameville. Toot toot! All aboard, and leave your dignity at the door! Wait…I think I just mixed up a restaurant analogy with a train analogy. Oh who cares, it’s Jack Nicholson grossly ripping through a chill dog at last nights Lakers vs. Timberwolves game and – sorry not sorry – but guess what? I WOULD.
I don’t care how many of you set your judging’ eyes on me for this, but I love Jack Nicholson and I don’t care that he’s old as Moses and bloated like a water-logged pool noodle. I still think he’s charming in an inappropriate Oscar-winning whiskey-drunk hippo kind of way. Which is a roundabout way of saying that I’d let him get balls deep and call me a hot sandwich if he wanted to. And all the haters can step to the left, but the rest can join the club; it’s weird and sometimes you’ll feel bad for your parents, but we have Baileys and pizza bagel bites and you don’t have to wear pants.
Here’s more of Jack at the Lakers game chowing down on a chill dog (I’m sure there’s a gross Urban Dictionary entry for that, but I don’t have the stomach for it right now) along with a palate cleanser in the form of Zac Efron (I heard he’s more of a corn dog kinda guy).
Somewhere between an on-again-off-again relationship with Anjelica Houston and boning actress Veronica Cartwright, biographer Mark Eliot says Jack Nicholson found time to get his fuck on with Meryl Streep while filming the 1987 film “Ironweed“, even though the two allegedly didn’t like each other and vowed never to work together again after filming “Heartburn” in 1985. In a description filled with glorious visual imagery, the author says, “Often during shooting, his Winnebago seemed to be balanced on four overworked Slinkys.” The Daily Mail has more quotations from Eliot’s book, including ““whatever is going on inside that Winnebago it’s starting to get out of hand, to the point where it’s embarrassing a lot of people on the set”. Eliot’s book also chronicles Jack’s heavy drug use where he dropped acid while writing “The Trip“, used cocaine, smoked pot and experimented with LSD. It also talks about his struggles with his weight (apparently eating scores of pussy is fattening- who knew??) and finding out that the woman he thought was his older sister was actually his mother.
We already knew Jack’s sexcapades are the stuff of legends. He’s been linked to everyone from Candice Bergen to Janice Dickinson (before she started morphing into Steven Tyler) to Michelle Phillips to Lara Flynn Boyle’s old face. Meryl has been married to her husband, Don Gummer ,for 35 years and was two kids deep into her eventual four when Jack allegedly threw his Slinky down her staircase in the Winnebego. You know you’re hot shit when you don’t even have to shell out for a nice place to show a lady a good time. You can just hop into your trailer and drive that thing like you’re Lone Starr and Barf piloting the Eagle 5.
Maybe Jack and Meryl hated each other so much, their only option was to bump fuck parts. Maybe Jack was to Meryl what Isabella Rossellini was to Ross Gellar. I kind of want to throw a little shade her way, but it’s Jack Nicholson and everybody should be able to use their hall pass on him for a free fuck if the rumors about him are true, just triple bag it and use Clorox anywhere spray as lube. I can’t really blame Meryl for climbing Jack like a tree, especially not in a Winnebago. Hell, I lost it to a guy at skeevy ass place that rented rooms with hot tubs by the hour and it was so quick, the Slinkies were nowhere near overworked. I’m pretty sure there was a good 52 minutes of awkward soaking in that herpes and jizz-laced Jacuzzi water. Meryl at least got it regularly and well enough to make the film crew blush.
I’m typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You’d think that all of the Twihards would’ve cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must’ve replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they’ve never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart’s body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People’s article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:
As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.
But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.
What I’m taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate….. but she’s going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They’ll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam’s response to this shit:
Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she’s hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz’s house and is ready to attack him now that he’s single.
Here’s a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson’s pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner’s ass cheeks (I’m guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.
It’s finally over! (Well, it’s over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It’ll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog’s Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he’s already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own “Yup, I Like Dick!” cover of People.
And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son’s plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.
I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.
But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they’re not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they’re just like “eh” in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could’ve inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever… At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.
But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it’s not working on her. Nor will it ever.