The only way film snobs would be okay with Hollywood remaking 1967’s Bonnie and Clyde would be to make the exact same movie with the original stars, Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty. But since we all know what can happen when those two get together, that’s probably not a great idea. Instead, Variety is reporting that a new Bonnie and Clyde is in the works starring Chloe Grace Moretz and Jack O’Connell.
Since St. Angie will be soaking in a calamine lotion bath until she finally gives in and uses her saintly powers to perform a miracle on herself and cure her chicken pox, someone had to go to the Unbroken premiere in Hollywood last night and represent the First Family of Heaven. I guess the twin messiahs were busy teaching the sun to shine brighter and that fierce HBIC in training Zahara couldn’t be bothered leaving the giant diamond she sleeps on, because St. Angie’s replacements were Brad Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and OG Maddox Jolie-Pitt. And they all dressed in matching suits! Well, all of them except for Brad, who decided to fuck a shirt and tie and went for the sleazy aging club promoter look with a wide-neck black t-shirt and gold chain instead. And what is with Brad and those damn sunglasses? Bitch, you ain’t Bono!
Personally, I think it’s adorable that St. Angie’s Lil’ Angels all wore matching suits. They look like at any moment, they’re going to leave the red carpet and take their golden chariot to the suburbs and spend the rest of the evening ringing people’s doorbells and asking them if they’ve accepted St. Angie as their skinny-armed lord and savior. Meanwhile, Brad looks like he’s about to bum $100 off Maddox so he can “split” and head for the Pink Taco on Sunset for some “taco nachos”. And no, that’s not a euphemism; he’s high as hell and wants $100 worth of shitty nachos.
Here’s more of The Heart Family of Heaven, as well as Brapi’s parents, and everyone else at the Unbroken premiere:
At the premiere of Unbroken (which again, is not a RobstenIsUnbroken propaganda documentary about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) in Sydney tonight, Dame St. Angie Jolie showed up looking like a beef bone that my abuelita wrapped in a black lace napkin to take home to her dog Tosco. St. Angie wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress to that made up Hollywood Film Awards and tonight she wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress. I have a feeling that’s going to be her thing this awards season. Designers are just going to wrap a napkin around her body, push her out onto the carpet and call it a day. Although, I think I just described every single dress that St. Angie has worn to every single premiere and awards show for the past 10 years.
Because I grew up Catholic and went to a few funerals as a kid, St. Angie’s dress reminds me of a black lace veil that an abuelita would wear while throwing herself on a casket as it goes into the ground at a burial. As I went through these pictures, I kept waiting to come across a picture of an abuelita asking St. Angie Jolie if she can have her black lace face veil dress in exchange for a giant thermos full of menudo. She’d probably give St. Angie the thermos full of menudo anyway.
Here’s more of St. Angie Jolie looking like the severe mom of an Ever After High doll at the Unbroken premiere with Brad Pitt and Jack O’Connell.