Woe to the man who sells $250,000 tickets to vacuous rich people with money to burn (see what I did there?) for a pretty much imaginary event. April’s Fyre Festival lured the idle rich to an island in the Bahamas for what was supposed to be a “transformational” music festival experience. The only transformation that took place was moneyed d-bags being transformed into peasants like us, forced to contend with inadequate lodgings, performers bailing on the event, and *GASP* cheese sandwiches made with non-artisanal white bread!
Well, not only are some of those (not really) poor bastards suing everyone involved for their money back, but the Fyre Festival’s founder, one Billy McFarland, has been arrested on federal wire fraud charges. Surely he can make bail if he was charging that much for tickets to his fake event, right?
Of course Ja Rule is getting sued over and over again for the Fyre Festival, his Gilligan’s Island-meets-FEMA music festival disaster. Celebrity lawyer Mark Geragos kicked things off last week when he filed a $100 million lawsuit against Ja Rule, Billy McFarland and Fyre Media. Since then, there’s been another class action lawsuit, a negligence suit, a breach of contract lawsuit from the company hired to staff the event, and a lawsuit claiming that people who tweeted negative things about the Fyre Festival were receiving cease-and-desist letters.
Pitchfork says that Ja Rule recently found himself on the receiving end of his seventh lawsuit. This latest one was filed on Tuesday, and it accused Fyre Festival organizers of actively encouraging attendees to upgrade to more-expensive packages and spend money on their cashless “Fyre Band” payment systems, despite knowing the Fyre Festival was probably not going to happen.
Everyone Saw This One Coming: The Organizers Of The Fyre Festival Have Been Hit With A $100 Million Lawsuit
When the brave survivors of the Lord of the Fyre Flies Festival got off the plane from the Bahamas in Florida, I’m sure they walked into a crowd of thirsty lawyers handing them business cards. Someone suing the tricks behind the Fyre Festival was as inevitable as a musical festival headlined by blink-182 and organized by Ja Rule turning out to be a massive diarrhea puddle of a mess. One Fyre ’17 survivor wasted no time in filing a lawsuit and he wants others to join him.
The Fyre Festival has come to full embody the phrase “unmitigated disaster.” Much like we asked ourselves after the Bowling Green Massacre, where were YOU when the Fyre burned out? Hopefully, relief efforts (volunteers bringing emergency Axe body spray, gluten-free muffins, and civil litigation attorneys) are on the way.
Ja Rule, clearly driven by a desire to create a music festival that would make Coachella look tolerable, launched the Fyre Festival with a tech guy named Billy McFarland. It was a two-weekend luxury music festival that started today on the Exumas Islands of the Bahamas. It was supposed to feature acts like Migos, Blink-182, and Ja Rule himself. Tickets ranged from $495 for a single day pass to $12,780 for a four-person stay in a “rustic tented space.” It ended up being entirely appropriate that the festival was named the Fyre Festival, because has turned into a flaming hot mess.
When Ja Rule was banished to the chokey in 2011 for tax evasion, I was devastated. I mean, who would fill the hole left in our hearts by everyone’s favorite low-growly sort-of-asleep-sounding rapper? Now I’m realizing we should be thankful he was sent to prison, because without all that time to reflect on his mistakes, we would never have gotten the forever gift that is a potential Ja Rule prison cookbook.
Ja Rule made an appearance on the SiriusXM show “Food Talk” (which sounds crappy to us, but something I’m sure Paula Deen would do anything to appear on. Perspective, really.) to discuss his dream of writing a cookbook based on his time in prison. It appears that during his time in lock-up, he really blossomed into the Gwyneth Paltrow of Cellblock D. Except instead of cooking gluten-free organic flatbread in your outdoor pizza oven, you’re re-heating a sad pile of Beefaroni Bake in a 700-watt microwave while your cellmate asks you if he can “lick the can“.
He explained to Geoffrey Zakarian of “Food Talk” (who sounds like the villain in a Die Hard knock-off) that while in prison, he learned to cook all sorts of stuff in a microwave. Really? It took a trip to prison to teach you that? There are 12-year-old boys heating up an after-school snack of Hot Pockets and Anytizers who would like to have a word with you.
Chef Rule’s cookbook will also teach you how to cook lasagna and cheesecake in the microwave, two things he learned to cook after turning up his nose at cafeteria food. This intrigues me because from what I know of prison (shirtless Christopher Meloni in OZ, back-to-back episodes of A&E’s Beyond Scared Straight) prison isn’t exactly Le Cordon Bleu College. It’s just a never-ending train of bologna sandwiches and foil-sealed apple juices. How the fuck was Ja Rule able to get graham cracker crumbs to make a cheesecake? Was Ashanti smuggling in groceries for him? And does microwave jail lasagna pair well with pruno? Ja Rule better get to writing, because I have a lot of questions that need answering before my next sadness-themed dinner party.
(Pic via Wenn.com)