Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?
The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.
And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.
I’ve always had a like for Charlize Theron, because she auditioned for Showgirls, wrestled Teri Snatcher in 2 Days in the Valley and plays down river trash like no other. But my like for her began to die when she started regularly wrapping her lips around Sean Penn’s dick and when blind items suggested that she’s always been a raging asshole. And now, she’s really, really, REALLY gone and done it. Charlize was mean to one of the Sister, Sister sisters at the overpriced torture chamber known as
EatYourSoul Cycle. Somewhere in the deep, smelly bowels of Hell, one of Satan’s minions is making up a cell for Charlize Theron, because that’s where you go when you’re cunty to one of the stars of ABC’s TGIF! Bitch is lucky she wasn’t mean to Kimmy Gibbler.
In an exclusive interview that I’m sure will be picked up and thoroughly analyzed by CNN, the BBC and Al-Jazeera, Tia Mowry tells InTouch that she’s a fan of Charlize’s work, so when she saw Sean Penn’s #2 homegirl (after the late Hugo Chavez, of course) at a spin class, she decided to say hi. Either Tia Mowry is Charlize’s least favorite Mowry sister or she’s an uneducated twat who doesn’t know a true star from the 90s when she sees one, because she did what most of us do when we see Sean Penn’s face: she rolled her eyes. Tia told this harrowing tale of her bitchy moment with Charlize:
“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’ I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I’m just being honest.”
Tia Mowry missed a really good opportunity to say, “GO HOME, ROGER!”
This was obviously a major misunderstanding, because I don’t know how anybody could be bitchy toward a Mowry sister. Here’s what really happened: Charlize wasn’t rolling her eyes, her eyes were spazzing out, because she couldn’t believe that she was staring at the one and only Tia Mowry! And Tia Mowry left before Charlize could finish her sentence. Charlize was about to say, “Oh my God…..I can’t believe I’m meeting the star of my favorite movie Twitches!” Tia was actually the one being rude to Charlize. Oh, Tia, why did you have to be so mean to your #1 fan?
Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz’s new movie Sex Tape has 33% on Rotten Tomatoes and critics said in so many words that watching Verne Troyer’s sex tape during the day while sober is a less painful and more exciting experience. So Jason and Cameron should probably be out there selling the shit out of their turkey turd of a movie by smiling, hugging, signing stuff and giving out quick handies and rim jobs. But Radar says that at a screening in NYC on Monday night (pictures below), Jason and Cameron treated their fans like pieces of trash and ran out of there without signing autographs. I was going to say that maybe Jason and Cameron are embarrassed by their crap movie and wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, but she showed her face publicly after making What Happens In Vegas and he showed his face after making Gulliver’s Travels, so shame is not something they know.
Radar’s “eyewitness” says that before the screening at the Regal Union Square Theater, a handful of fans asked Jason and Cameron for pictures and autographs. Cameron and Jason treated their fans the same way Kate Gosselin treats her kids. Cameron and Jason told their fans to get the hell away and leave them alone.
“It’s not like the fans were following them at a hotel or restaurant, it was a film premiere with fans. Both of their attitudes were disgusting. When a 20-something fan asked Jason for a photo as he left the premiere he said, ‘No’ and literally slammed the car door right in the fan’s face. People gasped, that’s how bad it was.
And when Cameron was spotted, she also refused the fans telling them, ‘If I did it for you I’d have have to do it for everyone’ before storming off. “Cameron was as unfriendly as can be and it was really disappointing. And Jason was downright nasty to his fans. There were literally only four of five fans waiting and asking for them when they left. It was not a huge crowd and would have taken less time for them to sign an autograph or take a picture rather than giving a lecture about not doing it.”
People gasped? Jason slapped a car door in a fan’s face? They should’ve filmed that and released it instead of Sex Tape, because that scene sounds more thrilling and hilarious than any scene in their movie. I’d pay a slice of my weekly weed money to see Jason Segel dramatically scream, “STOP SWARMING ME! LET ME BREATHE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LARGAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in front of two people who are looking at him like, “What?”
If anybody at that screening deserved to be yelled at it’s Cameron Diaz for thinking it’s okay to dress like the Too Close For Comfort wall:
And the Too Close For Comfort wall wore it better, bitch. Like I even had to say that.
Adam Richman, who sort of looks like a butch Betty Rubble (or a femmed-up Rosie O’Donnell), was once a shameless food whore who hosted a bunch of TV shows about violently cramming as much meat into his mouth hole as possible. He was basically the Kim Kardashian of the food world. Mouth-fucking every food-pile he could get his hands on eventually caught up with him, and he started to look like something that fell from Jabba the Hutt’s greasy asshole. So he started trading smoked pork milkshakes for green smoothies and he lost 70 pounds (or two of Guy Fieri’s Cheesecake Challenges).
To celebrate his weight loss, he posted a picture of his skinny self to Instagram with the hashtag #thinspiration. Several women tried to inform Adam that #thinspiration is a tag most commonly used in a not-right pro-ana way to describe thigh gaps and bikini bridges, and I guess cutting greasy piles of cheese out of your diet decreases the amount of oxygen delivered to your brain, because the host of Man V. Food turned Instagram into an episode of Angry Prick V. Ladies.
He responded by informing them that he didn’t give a fuck, called one a “fool” and a “cunt”, telling another to “grab a razor blade and draw a bath”, and another that her father fucked up by choosing “to go without a condom”, then instructing her to “eat a bag of shit”. Adam’s boss, The Travel Channel, only likes it when Adam eats shit, so they pulled his newest show Man Finds Food and replaced it with stock footage of a raccoon digging through the trash for scraps. The Washington Post says that Adam responded to The Travel Channel by hissing out an apology to GMA this morning that said:
“I’ve long struggled with my body image and have worked very hard to achieve a healthy weight. I’m incredibly sorry to everyone I’ve hurt.”
It doesn’t matter if your brain has turned into a dehydrated raisin from eating nothing but dried kale farts and water-flavoured water, a cunt is a cunt, and Adam is a hickory-smoked slow-cooked fall-off-the-bone BBQ cunt. Maybe if he’d eaten those delicious-looking donuts he wouldn’t be such an angry asshole. Donuts solve everything. Yes, you might get a raging case of Type 2, but it’s impossible to be a hateful bag of dicks when a giant clump of deep-fried sugar is giving your heart a never-ending hug.
Seen above with her face Photoshopped into “Harpo, who dis woman…or slightly effeminate young Dutch boy?” territory, Katherine Heigl is keeping the meaning of “delusional as fuck” alive in August’s issue of Marie Claire UK (via The Daily Mail). The crusted-over phlegm ball that Hollywood coughed up a while ago doesn’t think her career plunged into the sewer, because working with her is like trying to have butt sex with a flaccid peen that refuses to get hard. It’s frustrating, it’s annoying, it’s sometimes painful and it’s really not worth all the trouble. But in Katherine’s head, where delusion eats all truths, she thinks that she’s the one who pressed the pause button on her career and she decided to take time off, because she didn’t feel creatively challenged anymore. “Creatively challenged” is a really creative way of saying “Hollywood would rather tongue kiss a shark than work with my monster of a mother and me.” The only challenge Heigl has is not trying to be a complete and utter mega bitch.
The discount Goopy dribbled out some dumb shit about how her career was her “best friend” and she felt betrayed by it when it went out the exit door.
“The thing that was my best friend for a long time suddenly turned on me. And I didn’t expect it. I was taken by surprise and angry at it for betraying me.”a
“Eh, no, I’m pretty sure I’m the one that betrayed you” said Heigl’s sore-covered, throbbing, oozing ego.
After the entire cast and crew of Grey’s Anatomy popped champagne and joyously fapped together over the bitch of the set being gone, she did rom-com after rom-com and tells Marie Claire that maybe she should’ve said “no” more.
“I had an amazing time. I love romantic comedies. But maybe I hit it a little too hard. I couldn’t say no. I stopped challenging myself. It became a bit by rote and, as a creative person, that can wear you down. That was part of why I took that time off, to ask myself, ‘What do I want? What am I looking for?’ and shut down all the noise.’
Oh yeah, I had a moment where, I don’t know, I was thinking I’d maybe open a knitting store, get my money out of retirement accounts and live off that, live off the land. I had my moment where it all seemed so complicated and all I wanted to do was simplify.’”
Heigl is back now with that Scandal knock-off show for NBC and she says that she’s so happy to get back into the writer’s room, because she’s not only a creative genius, she’s also a TV writing genius.
“There’s a part of me that’s a Hollywood animal as well. I can’t wait to get into the writer’s room and see how we do this. I feel like I’m finally rolling into the next phase of my adulthood.”
“I wish the next phase of her adulthood was at the bottom of a volcano” said the writers who have to deal with her when she comes into the writer’s room to share her ~ideas~.
No, we should all be glad that Katherine Heigl is done with those stupid rom-coms she made millions doing and is finally doing projects that challenge her, like the artistically challenging ZzzQuil commercial she did (yes, I’m posting this again):
That comment was not served in a sarcasm gel cap, because that ZzzQuil commercial is one of the most artistic things she’s ever done and it’s also the most challenging. I mean, words don’t come out of her asshole mouth for a whole 16 seconds. That has to be a first.
Man Finds Out That His 12-Year-Old Son Is Alive And He Learns It From Basic Cable’s Greatest Monster
Charles Bothuell IV’s 12-year-old son, Charles “Charlie” Bothuell, went messing on June 14th after he walked out of the family’s Detroit townhouse instead. Charlie never came back and in the days after he went missing, his family, the Detroit PD and everyone looked everywhere for him. Detective La Toya Jackson was flown in (no, she wasn’t) to get to the bottom of it and Detective Courtney Love was given Google maps of the area (no, she wasn’t) so she could use her excellent detective skills to find the kid. Charles went on Nancy Grace’s show on HLN (stands for Hysterical Lunatics Network) on Tuesday night to beg the public to help him find his son. Real quick side question: When did Nancy Grace start caring about kids that aren’t white girls? That’s the real mystery that needs to be solved.
During the interview, the asshole monster that Dr. Frankenstein created using the corpse of a rabid hyena, a helmet made of hay and 12 tubes of expired liquid eyeliner heard from one of her producers that Charlie was found in the family’s basement. The same basement that was searched by everyone including Charles, Charles’ wife and police with cadaver dogs. Nancy is about as soothing and comforting as a blow job from a crocodile with an overbite, so as soon as she tells Charles that Charlie is alive and well, she makes a face that says, “The hoax is up, bitch.” While Charles reacts to the news that his son is okay, Nancy grills him and asks, “Did you check the basement?“, “Did you check your cell phone?” and “You’re telling us you and your wife searched the basement?”
Charles’ reaction is a little suspect, because if that was me and I learned that the missing 12-year-old kid I’ve been losing sleeping over magically appeared in the basement I searched a thousand times, I’d rip my mic off and say to Nancy, “Gotta go, bitch, I have some ass whoopin’ to do.” But in Charles’ defense, anybody would be stunned and bewildered if this face stared at them through a monitor:
You’re feeling stunned and bewildered, right? See what Nancy’s face does.
Local 4 Detroit says that Charlie was found barricaded behind boxes and a five-gallon drum in the basement. They don’t think he barricaded himself. Detroit Police Chief James Craig told reporters that the kid looked happy to see them and they’re not ruling out the possibility that his parents knew he was okay and hiding in the basement the whole time.
Well, my guess is that Charlie finally came out of hiding, because he found out his dad was going on Nancy Grace. Shit has gone too, too far when your daddy starts talking to that crazy bitch.
Reading Bitchy Internet Comments About Yourself Is Like Being In A Bloody War, So Says Goopy Paltrow
Goopy Paltrow was asked to speak at the Re/code Code Conference in Ranchos Palos Verdes, CA yesterday, because she’s got a website, she’s famous and they knew her anus slit of a mouth would spew out some eye roll-worthy, ridiculous shit that would get them some attention. Goopy didn’t disappointment.
Goopy didn’t spend most of her time on the Code Conference stage bragging about how GOOP is an Internet savior for rich snobs who have searched high and higher (rich snobs don’t go low) for the perfect $800 supima cotton and cashmere tank top and have been looking for a 3,000 word post on how to politely tell the housekeeper on duty at a friend’s tea party that you left diarrhea sprays all over the powder room toilet seat because you’re in the middle of a 40-day macadamia water and jicama cleanse. Nope. Goopy spent a huge chunk of her time talking about jealous haters on the Internet. Forget war, disease, famine and Adam Sandler movies, the real problem in this world is anonymous bitches talking shit about rich, stupid celebrities!
“Celebrities, we’ve always gotten stones thrown at us and, you know, for good reason: We’re annoying. Some of us look okay, we look like we have money, our lives seem great. That may or may not be the case … Nevertheless, we get it. Or, at the very least, we expect that it’s part and parcel to what we do. Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off. It’s our human nature to feel that way, and to do it … Everybody takes shit, it’s just the way it is.”
Goopy goes on to say that all us whores talking shit on the Internet never get punished for talking shit. And in her head, you know she was picturing us getting dragged into the town square and flogged repeatedly with the stick she keeps up her ass while she cackles in delight.
“The lack of empathy that is created when people can anonymously opine about the looks or actions of others … It’s where we are in our culture. Yes, it does worry me, for the development of my kids and the next generation, that people can be so cruel without experiencing the consequences of being so cruel face to face.”
Goopy says that reading comments about herself from jealous haters is like ripping off the scabs from her high school wounds, but she knows that people are just projecting and the reason why she gets shit has nothing to do with the ridiculous shit that comes out of her mouth (yes, it does, bitch):
“Somebody has to know you for something to be about you. They can think it’s about you because you look a certain way or you’ve expressed an idea, but it can’t be, it’s not possible. You cannot be more than a representation of an internal object that person is carrying. … I’m just there, and people can throw up whatever is going on internally that you are triggering in them. It’s very Psych 101…the scabs from your high school wounds being ripped off on a daily basis.”
Before Goopy said that we must look at ourselves when we spit out hateful shit about strangers on the Internet, she compared reading mean comments to being in a war:
“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”
She’s right. Goopy truly has been through so much. Nobody has suffered as much as she has! People dodging bullets and being bombed during a war is just like her opening up her $3,000 MacBook Air in her air conditioned luxury office and reading a mean ass comment about herself. Her bravery is truly commendable. The government should change the name of Veteran’s Day to Goopy’s Day, because she is the veteran of all veterans. I would say that she should be awarded the Purple Heart for all the courage she’s shown, but we all know that bitch doesn’t wear a jewelry that isn’t imported from Europe and doesn’t cost at least $200,000.
You can always count on Pimp Mama Kris to throw in a STUNT QUEEN plot twist at the last-minute.
PMK’s lowest-earning ho Rob Kardashian was in Europe for his sister’s latest great big fake wedding, but he didn’t get to breathe in all the staged happiness and pure tackiness, because he jumped on a plane in Paris last night and flew back to L.A. TMZ says that he was at the airport, crying while trying to get on a flight back home. You know some serious shit had to go down for Rob to skip out on cake. X17 says that Rob dramatically busted out of Europe after he got into a fight with Kim before her rehearsal dinner at Versailles. Kim, being the down-to-earth, understanding and completely humble human being she is supposedly poked at Rob for being fat and not dropping the chunk for her wedding. Some source said:
“Rob said he was sickened by Kim and Kanye’s display of wealth and clothes and beauty and called it ‘superficial bullshit’ but Kim was pissed that Rob hadn’t made an effort to drop any weight over the past few months. Rob basically thinks Kim cares about him only for his appearance and he said he’d ‘make life easier’ for her and just leave.”
Those vain ass whores probably let out a, “PHEW!”, together when Rob left, because they didn’t have to tell him that Givenchy would only make a groomsmen muumuu for him and that it’d be better if he dresses up as a shrub for the wedding pictures. But whatever, Rob has a sock empire to run so he had better things to do in L.A. And I’m sure he’ll catch Kim’s next wedding.
Alec Baldwin was put into handcuffs in NYC this morning and what’s really shocking is that he wasn’t busted for tearing out the throat of a paparazzo with his teeth after calling him a toxic cocksucking charlatan queen pig. Alec was arrested for the most boring and dumbest thing ever. He was arrested for riding his bike on the wrong side of the street and not having an ID. The Baldwin family refused to comment on this, because they are too busy hanging their heads in shame. A true Baldwin only gets busted for real hood rat stuff like DUIs and pap beating.
InTouch Weekly says that two cops pulled over his bike after he rode on the wrong side of the street. When they asked him for an ID, he said he didn’t have it on him. One source said that Alec was “calm and quiet,” but that source’s first name is obviously “Alec’s” and their last name is “Publicist,” because that throbbing ass vein isn’t even calm and quiet when he sleeps. He snore yells and punches at the air. But another source said that Alec “went ballistic on the cops, screaming at them.” Now THAT’S the Alec we know. The cops should’ve known it was Alec Baldwin when they asked for his ID and he screamed, “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I FUCKING AM YOU GOAT-FOOTED DUMB FUCK DYKE SHIT BRAINED COPS. I WISH I HAD AN ID TO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS!”
TMZ says that Alec was taken to the police station to be properly identified. HA! He was given a ticket for riding the wrong way and for disorderly conduct. Obviously, Hilaria Baldwin wasn’t with him at the time, because if she was she would’ve asked the cops to take a picture of her doing a yoga pose on top of their car for her Instagram account.
Getting a ticket for riding on the wrong side of the street in NYC is dumb and a waste, but if you have the chance to fuck with Alec Baldwin and make the douche water spew out of his ears while he throws a tantrum, you should take it. Besides, Alec deserved to be arrested for wearing that “memaw at a Sunday morning yard sale” visor.
Goopy Paltrow Wants The Mommy Wars To Stop And I Want Her To Stop Using Gross Phrases Like “Mommy Wars”
“Awww, isn’t it cute how all you provincial, J. Jill-wearing, Hyundai Sonata-driving, cubicle-inhabiting working moms are projecting your simple, little insecurities onto moi?”
Back in March, living enema full of pretentiousness Goopy Paltrow caused a working mom shit storm when she said in an interview with E! News that 9-to-5 working moms have it so much easier than her, because they get to go home to their kids at night and when she’s making a movie she has to Skype her children from her $3 million trailer while getting acupuncture on her anus to relieve the tension of her rectum clutching onto that stick. (Side note: Strangely enough, when she Skypes her children, the French nanny that was bred 22 years ago to specifically be her kids’ future nanny answers and says that Apple and Moses are currently unavailable because the in-house massage therapist is massaging their temples with organic ylang-ylang oil while the other nanny reads them Shakespearean sonnets in four different langauges. Lies. They’re really eating candy soup while watching Nickelodeon.) Goopy actually said that she “has it harder.” But now she’s saying that her words were taken out of context and she didn’t mean that 9-to-5 working moms have it easier than her. A bunch of moms who are not as perfect as her had to twist her words to make themselves feel better. CAUTION: She uses the word “opine.” Get your screen-punching fist ready.
A few weeks ago during an interview, I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children. My answer was this: Film work takes one away from home and requires 12-14 hours a day, making it difficult to be the one to make the kids their lunch, drive them to school, and put them to bed. So I have found it easier on my family life to make a film the exception, and my 9-5 job the rule. This somehow was taken to mean I had said a 9-5 job is easier, and a lot of heat was thrown my way, especially by other working mothers who somehow used my out-of-context quote as an opportunity to express feelings (perhaps projected) on the subject. As the mommy wars rage on, I am constantly perplexed and amazed by how little slack we cut each other as women. We see disapproval in the eyes of other mothers when we say how long we breastfed (Too long? Not long enough?), or whether we have decided to go back to work versus stay home. Is it not hard enough to attempt to raise children thoughtfully, while contributing something, or bringing home some (or more) of the bacon? Why do we feel so entitled to opine, often so negatively, on the choices of other women? Perhaps because there is so much pressure to do it all, and do it all well all at the same time (impossible). Below is a somewhat radical piece by Brigid Schulte, which has provoked many a discussion here in our HQ, and even a tear or two.
The piece by Brigid Schulte is titled, “IDEAL MOTHERS, IDEAL WORKERS AND THE MYTH OF BUSYNESS.” Enough said.
For a few sentences there, I thought a dark cloud would appear in the sky and suck us all in, because Goopy making sense and sounding somewhat reasonable is the final sign of the rapture. But then she had to go and show us that she’s still a big unremarkable anus by adding that little “perhaps projected” comment. Goopy never says ANYTHING wrong and if you took it that way it’s just your imperfect self being jealous of how perfect she is. But you know, if Goopy shat up a note that wasn’t dripping in lukewarm pretentiousness, none of us would have triceps the size of her ego, because we wouldn’t be repeatedly punching our screens. What I’m saying is that Goopy totally has a deal with the computer screen companies.