Fatties, Trash, Olds And Lesbians Have No Business Wearing The Bandage Dress, So Says Herve Leger’s Managing Director (UPDATE)
The last time I was in Las Vegas, I was nearly hit by a giant wave of ladies of all shapes, sizes and ages suffocating their internal organs while squeezed into knock-off Herve Leger bandage dresses. That sight must be the recurring nightmare that Patrick Couderc, the director of Herve Leger UK, has, because he thinks that only refined, young, straight and skinny women should be allowed to wear the bandage dress. Paging Kunty Karl! Paging Kunty Karl! You better make a baby cry or suck the soul out of a young model, because this Patrick asshole is coming for your title as biggest cunt in fashion.
Grumpy glum cunt Morrissey is back for another episode of “Yes, Morrissey Hates Life More Than You Do.” Morrissey is flipping off the clouds and slapping the wind while touring the US and to promote his show in Colorado, the British ball of vegan bitterness decided to give his thoughts on the current state of music while talking to Boulder Weekly. Of course, his thoughts on the current state of music are certified bitchy and I love it. Morrissey believes that the mainstream music industry is just a backed-up toilet that keeps spewing out more and more shit. Morrissey thinks that everybody is over-marketed and the likes of slut-shaming crooner Sam Smith and jolly Hobbit Ed Sheeran are only big because their labels force fed their music into our ear holes. Tell it, Morrissey!
“There are no bands or singers who become successful without overwhelming marketing. There are no surprise success stories. Everything is stringently controlled, obvious and predictable and has exactly the same content. So, we are now in the era of marketed pop stars, which means that the labels fully control the charts, and consequently the public has lost interest. It’s very rare that a record label does something for the good of music. Thus we are force-fed such as Ed Sheeran and Sam Smith, which at least means that things can’t possibly get any worse. It is sad, though. There’s no spontaneity now, and it all seems to be unsalvageable.”
Out of all the singers he could’ve labeled as “crap” he goes with Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran? Okay.
I’m with Morrissey on a couple of things, but he lost me at “no surprise success stories.” Has Morrissey never heard of Susan Boyle who was plucked from a cat fur-covered sofa and turned into a not-at-all-controlled-or-marketed star?! Also, Morrissey should brace himself, because mainstream music can get a lot worse. I mean, Iggy Azalea is coming out with a new album next year.
Anyway, now you can go ahead and add Sam Smith’s music and Ed Sheeran’s music to the never-ending list of things that Morrissey can’t stand. You know what? At this point it’s probably just easier to write “EVERYTHING” over that list and call it a day.
Cry tears of joy for yourself, Argentina, because there’s a warrant out for Justin Bieber’s arrest in your country and so he may never go back again. You’re the luckiest country in the world! Let’s all pack up our shit, learn the lyrics to “Buenos Aires” so we can sing it when we get off the train and head to Ar-hen-tina! Argentina is the new Biebs-free wonderland!
While the caca clump clinging to North America’s longest ass hair and Kendull Jenner are making Coachella even more insufferable than it already is, a judge in Argentina has issued a warrant for his arrest. The minute Justin Bieber steps into Argentina, he’ll be arrested. In 2013, the Biebs and one of his bodyguards allegedly attacked a paparazzo outside of a club in Buenos Aires. The Biebs and his bodyguard left Argentina before police were able to question them. Last November, a judge ordered him to go back to Buenos Aires to face questioning. But since he’s the baddest rebel on the Montessori school playground, ain’t no country going to boss him around. The Biebs didn’t go back, so an arrest warrant has been thrown down. via Reuters
Entertainment website FarandulaShow (www.farandulaShow.com) posted a copy of the court ruling ordering Bieber be detained on its web page. Court secretary Soledad Nieto, a co-signatory of the order paper, confirmed the document was authentic.
“I consider it pertinent to order the immediate detention of the accused,” read Judge Alberto Julio Banos’ order, which is dated April 8.
The court also ordered the detention of one of Bieber’s bodyguards.
Argentina definitely has the right idea and every country on this planet should follow their lead. I’m sure every country the Biebs has visited can find a reason to issue an arrest warrant on his ass (possible reasons: being Justin Bieber, noise pollution, etc…) and if they did he’d run out of places to hide. He’d have to take his ass to Antarctica. No, that wouldn’t be nice. The polar bears already have global warming to deal with. They don’t need to deal with global douching too.
Here’s the escandalo (the video headline writer’s word, not mine) video of the Biebs’ bodyguard smearing that pap in 2013.
Well if this isn’t the definition of a bitch calling a bitch a bitch. Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman are currently shooting The Secret in Their Eyes together, and apparently Julia hates Nicole and thinks she’s a rude stuck-up twat. According to the National Enquirer, an on-set source claims that Julia has nicknamed Nicole “Her Majesty” because she’s a demanding bitch who treats the crew like peasants and doesn’t speak to anyone:
“Julia HATES the way Nicole treats the crew! She acts like they’re servants, and doesn’t talk to them – except to issue commands – while Julia now knows everyone by first names, and makes a point of being friendly.”
The source went on to say that Nicole became public enemy #1 to Julia the day she found out that Her Majesty had refused to sign a birthday card that was being passed around. Not signing a birthday card? I’m pretty sure that’s how you secure yourself a first-class seat to Hell. So Julia decided to fight cuntiness with cuntiness by ordering a huge birthday cake and having it delivered right outside Nicole’s trailer. Then she gathered the cast and crew to sing Happy Birthday. Then Julia gave everyone on set a car and a puppy and one of her kidneys. NO! That last one didn’t happen, but it probably will if Nicole keeps being a stand-offish beyotch.
Then again, this is only one side of the story. Did Julia ever think to ask Nicole why she was being such a cold cunt? Maybe she got the wet shits from a bad batch of Botox and she was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so she hid in her trailer.
Here’s Her Majesty filming some scenes with Chiwetel Ejiofor for The Secret in Their Eyes a few weeks ago. I’m sure if you look closely, you can see Julia Roberts hiding behind those stairs with her hand cupped around her mouth so she can holler “Abitchsayswhat?” after every one of Nicole’s lines.
Even though the resolution of that picture is lower than low and it looks like it was screen grabbed off a Sega Game Gear using a Nokia flip phone, you can still see Cate Blanchett’s impeccably flawless “Not Today” eye-shanking shining through. Poor pixel quality is never a match for a top-shelf bitchface!
During the never-ending promotional tour for that Cinderella movie, Cate Blanchett proved that there’s no bitch like an over-your-shit bitch when journalist Jonathan Hyla asked her a question about a cat. A CAT! That’s the face Cate Blanchett gives you when you ask her about cats. Coincidentally, that’s also the same face I make when I show up to a party and find out there’s no cheese.
Jonathan Hyla wanted to know if it was difficult to get the cat who played Lucifer to do what she wanted while he was on a leash. That’s when Cate returned her eyebrows to the upright position before hissing “That’s your question? That’s your fucking question?”
Jonathan later posted a clip of the entire interview to prove that Cate was only pretend pissed at him, which is a serious no duh, since there would be nothing left of Jonathan but a pile of ashes and a clump of charred beard hair if she was serious. And even if she was kidding, I hope he remembers the look on Cate’s face so he can cross-reference it with the look his girlfriend’s cat gives him the next time he suggests putting it on a leash. “I see you’re giving me about a 6.3 on the Cate Scale of NO…maybe we’ll try again later.”
Here’s Cate at the Australian premiere of Cinderella in a dress that’s giving me some Wet N’ Wild Barbie vibes (I don’t hate it) last week:
It’s been much, much too long since we’ve all gotten a piping hot, extra large serving of cuntness from gold digging grand champion and one of my cunt idols Heather Mills, so thankfully she was asked to be on Ireland’s The Late Late Show where she delivered a beautifully bitchy gem. Heather, who was only relevant for being married to Paul McCartney, was a little pissed when the host Ryan Tubridy brought up Paul McCartney’s name. Thankfully for him, Heather Mills didn’t pull a Heather Mills by dumping a glass of water on his head, but she did say that she wasn’t there to talk about Paul. Ryan told Heather that people are interested in what she has to say about Paul and she responded by spitting out this shiny jewel of delusion:
“No, they’re not. That’s the thing. If I go down the street, all I get is kids coming up to me, half of them don’t even know who he is. That’s why he has to do songs with Rihanna and Kanye West, so people remember. But you know, most of the time I have people coming down the street and saying, ‘Oh my god! You’re a ski-racer’ or ‘You help the animals.’ I own the biggest vegan company in the world. Most of the money I do goes into helping animals, disabled kids, landmine clearing charities… You know, things that are changing the world. This is just someone I fell in love with who to me was a normal guy that happened to write a few cool songs in the 60s and a few in the 70s. It was just someone I fell in love with.”
1. Heather Mills thinks that Heather Mills is more relevant and “in with the kids” than Paul McCartney. If delusion needs inspiration on how to be more delusional, it should spend time with Heather Mills.
2. We all know that “kids” aren’t running up to Heather Mills in the street. That’s crazy. Most kids have been told at a very, very young age to never ever go up to that witch Heather Mills, because she’ll eat their souls.
3. If anyone does go up to Heather Mills in the street, the only question they probably ask her is, “Do you still have that PT Cwuza?”
Fashion designers and noted gaping assholes Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana aren’t really shy when it comes to their thoughts on gays and lesbians raising chirrun. Even though they’re gayer than a splatter of strawberry-scented lube on a pink crystal butt plug charm, they don’t think that gay people should be parents and said that kids born through IVF are “synthetic babies.” And that is how you fuck with your business and money with just a few simple words. (Side note: I call dibs on the band name Synthetic Babies, so don’t even think about it.)
For years, Dolce and Gabbana have been caca-ing at the mouth about how a child needs to be raised by a mother and a father and blah blah blah… They said it again during an interview with the Italian magazine Panorama, and this time they spit on IVF too, which is pretty rich since Stefano Gabbana once said that he wanted his own child and asked a friend to carry it. via HuffPo
According to translations, the pair — who dated for 23 years and broke up in 2005 — stated that children born through IVF are “children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”
“I am gay, I cannot have a child. I guess you cannot have everything in life,” Dolce added. “Life has a natural course, some things cannot be changed. One is the family.”
Gabbana added: “The family is not a fad. In it there is a supernatural sense of belonging.”
Naomi the Terrible is truly back (maybe)! She’s slapping down cameras in Cuba and possibly going after lessers in Paris. During yesterday’s Apple nerd jack-off session, Tim Cook shouldn’t have announced their $10,000 asshole badge called the gold Apple Watch. He should’ve announced that Apple is shutting down and closing their doors, because now that Naomi the Terrible has possibly returned, it’s time for her weapon of choice BlackBerry to rise to the top once again!
Page Six says that RiRi is the Helen of Troy of our time, because she’s got bitches fighting over her ass. A witness says that on Sunday night at a party for Dasha Zhukova’s Garage Magazine at club Castel in Paris, a chalk outline of Cara Delevingne’s brows almost ended up on the floor when she and Naomi Campbell got into it. One witness says that Naomi celebrated International Women’s Day by going after St. Vincent’s scissor sister for talking shit about RiRi.
I was going to scream, “FREEEEEEEEE HEATHER CHOOOO,” but then I realized that I don’t mind nuts in a bag. At this point, I’ll take nuts any way I can get ’em.
Former Korean Air executive Heather Cho instantly became GOOP and Anna Wintour’s unofficial hero of the year last December when she flew into a full-blown entitled ass rage after a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts in a bag, instead of on a plate, in first class on a flight from JFK to the South Korean city of Incheon. Heather eventually resigned as VP of the company. Heather’s father, Korean Air president Cho Yangho, told the press at the time that he blames himself for raising her badly. An investigation was launched, because Heather made the pilots take the plane back to the gate so she could kick off the chief flight attendant for not training their staff to serve macadamia nuts in a dish. That chief flight attendant should also be disciplined by the law for not throwing a DEEZ NUTS joke at Heather Cho when they had the chance.
During the trial, witnesses testified that Heather Cho hit the chief flight attendant with the service manual, and a flight attendant testified that he was told by a Korean Air manager to keep his lips shut about her nut-induced cuntastic tantrum. Prosecutors asked the judge to throw Heather Cho in jail for 3 years, because she broke aviation law and tried to mess with their investigation. The judge gave her one year instead. The Korean Air manager who told that flight attendant to shut their mouth was also sentenced to eight months in the chokey. via BBC News
Judge Oh Sung-woo said it was a case where “human dignity” had been “trampled upon”.
Judge Oh said Cho had treated the flight “as if it was her own private plane”.
“It is doubtful that the way the nuts were served was so wrong,” he said.
The judge said Cho, who is also known as Cho Hyun-ah, had failed to show enough remorse even after she submitted letters to the court apologising for the incident.
CNN says that the trial got a lot of attention in South Korea, because the people are sick of nepotism and sick of wealthy, powerful families getting away with all sorts of shit.
South Korea does not play. Heather Cho’s nut rage only happened in December and she’s already lost her job and is heading for prison. Can we as a people get together and lie and say that Conrad Hilton was actually on a Korean Air flight in South Korea when he thew that King Joffrey-approved tantrum so that Judge Oh Sung-woo can sentence him to one full of year of serving macadamia nuts in a bag to Heather Cho in prison?
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s a tale of love and compassion….
Professional cheater Lance Armstrong took his lying act from his bike to his SUV last December when he hit a bunch of parked cars and let his girlfriend Anna Hansen take the fall. The Aspen Daily News (via ESPN) says that after partying in Aspen, CO on December 28th, Lance got behind the wheel of his GMC Yukon and during the drive home, he hit two parked cars. Poor Lance is so sick of the media throwing shit at him for the stuff he brought on himself, so Anna agreed to say she was driving to avoid national attention. I know, doesn’t that just bring your cold, dead heart to life and make you believe in true love?