It’s been much too long since we’ve all choked on a river of laughs coming out of our mouths while reading the hilarious deep thoughts of one of delusion’s ambassadors Kunty Karl. Kunty Karl is back and is once again showing us that he probably wins open mic night at the Death Eaters Comedy Club every week, because his shit is funny.
Britain’s Stylist Magazine (via Cosmopolitan) asked the German King of the Vampires what he would do if he ran England. I don’t know why Stylist even asked him that. We all know that if Kunty Karl ran England, he’d make eating actual food illegal and he’d deport all fatties to a land far, far away. Karl didn’t say he’d do that, but he did say that he’d take away welfare for families and give that money to people who dressed well. Whoever said that zombies have no sense of humor has never read a Kunty Karl quote.
“I would make myself head of the style police and we would fight fiercely against sloppiness,” said the high fashion legend. Being well turned-out is not a question of means. Benefits for families would be replaced by maintenance bonuses for those who make an effort.”
Kunty Karl then got a little serious when he said that he’d make everyone learn a bunch of languages because it’ll combat Alzheimer’s or something:
“I would make everybody learn two or three languages. Being trilingual is essential, it opens doors for you, opens your mind and helps you to avoid Alzheimer’s disease.”
Compared to the bitchy nuggets that have come out of Karl’s mouth before, those quotes aren’t bad. I guess he was saving his best cunty material for The New York Times.
The New York Times did a profile on 35-year-old Brad Kroenig, a male model who is part of Karl’s Boys. Karl’s Boys is a group of male models who follow him around the world. They claim that their relationship with Karl is strictly platonic and they don’t have to suck on his crypt keeper boner. The New York Times reporter tagged along as Brad went to Dubai with Karl. During the trip, the reporter asked Karl why his entourage is filled with male models.
Lagerfeld refers to Brad and the other models that travel with him as his family, albeit a self-selected, genetically ideal one. “I hate ugly people,” Lagerfeld told me. “Very depressing.”
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Bitch must hate himself then,” don’t say it out loud! He can hear you and he’ll punish you for saying that. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night staring at his white pot scrubber hair as he sucks the blood out of your chest. Besides, Kunty Karl doesn’t know what he looks like. Vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors. Duh.
Georgette the Poodle’s less-fun human equivalent Gwyneth Paltrow is once again back to inform us ignorant dum-dums on a subject Gwyneth is clearly very knowledgeable about: MEAN GIRLS. And no, not the movie (I bet Goopy’s interpretation of Mean Girls would be that it’s a movie about a beautiful wealthy popular girl named Regina George who is relentlessly bullied by a bunch of jealous haters). Gwyneth already covered the topic of women being mean to other women once already this week in Harper’s Bazaar UK, but I guess she had more to say, because now she’s talking about mean bitches being mean bitches to Gwyneth Paltrow in the February issue of Marie Claire.
Twenty years ago, Christina Aguilera was one of Mickey Mouse’s money makers and I’m sure back then he would’ve gladly taken a picture with her since she was making him cash. But now that she’s no longer one of his hos, he acts like he doesn’t know who she is. That Mickey Mouse has always been a shady, shady bitch.
TMZ says that over a week ago, Xtina spent her 34th birthday at Disney’s California Adventure in Anaheim, CA and she turned the happiest place on Earth into the cuntiest place on Earth. (Side note: I’ve worked at Disneyland before and it’s always been the cuntiest place on Earth to me, because it turns people into monsters who can’t act right.) Some source says that Xtina and her friends wanted to get a picture with Mickey Mouse, but it was break time for him and nobody, not even one of his former club members, gets between him and his smoking time.
When Mickey Mouse refused to take a picture with them, Xtina allegedly turned into Cuntina and called him an “asshole” before pulling some embarrassing “Do you know who I am?” shit. Mickey probably thought to himself, “Of course I know who you are, trick, because I made you. You’re welcome.” The source says that Xtina’s crew also got crazy and when they screamed threats at Mickey Mouse, he was ushered away by his handler to a “safe zone.” Security was called, but by the time they showed up on the scene, Xtina and her gang of messy hooligans were gone.
What a time to be alive…
There’s not even video of this, but my soul still got the tingles in a major way while picturing that drunk mess Xtina scream “Do you know who I am?!” at a person in a Mickey Mouse costume. She really made Laura Jeanne Poon proud. This has to be the most entertaining thing she’s done in years. It’s a good thing she didn’t scream that at the Mickey Mouse in Times Square, because he doesn’t play and he would’ve cut her up with the shank he made from a mouse trap spring.
But seriously, it’s always a sad day when a pimp has a falling out with one of his former hos. Xtina did mess with the wrong bitch, though. Mickey will get his revenge. Xtina shouldn’t be surprised if she wakes up one day to find the decapitated heads of all of her red lipsticks in her bed.
And I must thank Xtina for this beautiful belated Christmas gift. Whenever I’m down and need a quick pick-me-up, I’ll think of the beer sloshing out of her cup as she slurs out the words, “Do you know who I am?” at Mickey Mouse.
Seen above during one of her weekly virgin blood-flavored fluoride tray treatments, perpetually horny singing memaw Madonna is still pissed that the tracks from her upcoming album Rebel Heart keep leaking onto the internet. And this time she’s double pissed, because she hates that people think the most recently leaked track, “Two Steps Behind”, sounds an awful lot like she’s dragging Lady Gaga. Even though it was rumored way back in August that “Two Steps Behind” is a not-so-subtle swipe at her unauthorized low-budget impersonator, and the fact that the lyrics sound like something the runner-up in a Miss Teen Talent pageant would find scrawled on her dressing room mirror, Madonna wants you to know IT’S NOT ABOUT GAGA!
According to Billboard, Madonna’s manager Guy Oseary decided to do a Q&A on Twitter yesterday, and naturally one of the question asked was whether or not “Two Steps Behind” was about Gaga. Guy was adamant that it was NOT about Gaga (or anyone in particular). Shortly after, Madonna followed up Guy’s answer with her own on Instagram, where she hissed at all the troublemaking gossips trying to start shit between Madonna and Madonna Jr.
You might still be able to listen to “Two Steps Behind” in some small secret corners of the internet, but as of right now, Madonna’s maybe/maybe not love letter to Gaga is getting yanked from all the obvious places. But if you really, REALLY want to know what it sounds like, throw on Regina George’s monologue about Janis Ian and set it to a digital pop beat – I’m sure it’s pretty close to the real thing.
And for those of you thinking “Well, at least Lady Gaga had the good sense to not get involved in this mess“, sorry – but Lady Gaga decided to get involved in this mess. Sort of. Shortly after “Two Steps Behind” leaked, Gaga posted an Instagram selfie with the caption: “Careful witch, I’ll put a spell on you. Or maybe I already did.” Hopefully it wasn’t the same spell she cast on herself before the release of ARTPOP, or Madonna’s really in trouble!
From what I’ve gleaned in the 0.03 seconds of Keeping Up With The Klassless Trashians that I’ve seen, it was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris is the one who kalls all the shots in that family, like what you wear, how many times a year you get married, the best time to accidentally leak a sex tape. But recently, PMK’s most profitable ho Kim Kardashian pulled a gutsy move and sent her mother an email telling her to fix her shit, fashion-wise. Is that drowsy-looking hooker crazy? Rule no. 1: never come for the bitch who controls your checking account!
Pimp Mama Kris posted a screen-grab of the email to Instagram yesterday, and yes, Kim Kardashian writes exactly how you’d think that lazy trick would write. Terrible spelling, and not a capital letter or period in sight. I’m sure spambots read this email and were like “###damn KIMKARDASHIAN, even my aunt who makes $7,956/hr working fromhome selling #1 top quality enhancement pills uses proper sentence structure###“.
Well, that was blunt – she didn’t even try to sugar-coat it. Or maybe her version of sugar-coating is deleting the words “LISTEN UP, U UGLY HAG” from the subject line. Either way, like Kim is in any position to give fashion advice. Hooker please, you sell clothes at Sears! Sure, PMK dresses like a real estate agent’s interpretation of Wednesday Addams, but that’s no worse than looking like an overstuffed sausage in heels, like some people. Kim, just because your current husband has the creative director of Givench as the #1 on his speed-dial doesn’t make you the honorary queen of fashion.
Speaking of over-stuffed sausages in heels, here’s Kim looking like a boiled weisswurst while visiting a laser clinic with a comically-assed Khloe Kardashian and cold bowl of soggy Special K Kendull Jenner yesterday.
Alex Trebek Threatened To Quit After A Contestant’s Mom Asked Him To Re-Do The Ending Of A Jeopardy! Kids Episode
Finally, the real juicy gossip from the Sony emails gets released! I was waiting for some tasty dirt on clean-cut game show types, like Ted Allen from Chopped or David Chilton from Dragon’s Den, but a story about Alex Trebek being a difficult bitch? Christmas has come early for Allison.
Radar says that one of the recent emails leaked by the Sony hackers (which I’m choosing to call Sackers) was a nasty one between Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek and some Sony executives. It all started during the taping of an episode of Jeopardy! Kids, aka the episodes that appeal to me the most because I’m able to answer at least 2/3 of the questions correctly. One of the contestants was still in the red by the time they reached Final Jeopardy, so she started crying and ran off stage. That’s when the contestant’s mother cornered a Jeopardy! producer and told them that her daughter isn’t a sore loser and she’s super upset she can’t finish the game and asked if they’d re-shoot it so that her daughter could have a second chance. So the producers asked Alex, he said “What is FUCK NO“, and went on to finish the episode without her.
Aaron Sorkin Thinks The Bar Is Set Higher For Actors Than Actresses When It Comes To Winning An Oscar
More leaked Sony emails have been released, and today’s “I bet you wish you hadn’t said that” moment comes courtesy of The Newsroom’s Aaron Sorkin. UsWeekly says it happened during an email exchange between Sorks and Sony co-chair Amy Pascal regarding a New York Times op-ed by Maureen Dowd about the lack of diversity and women in film. Aaron Sorkin claimed that when it comes to winning an Academy Award, famous guys who put on wigs and pretend to be somebody else have a “much higher bar” to clear than famous ladies who put on wigs and pretend to be somebody else. Sorky references Cate Blanchett’s win for Blue Jasmine as an example (“You’re dead to me, Sorky” hissed Cate Blanchett atop her throne of acting awards).
Someone once told me that while backstage at a talk show, Mimi allegedly called an assistant over and made the assistant open up their hand so she could spit her chewed gum into their palm. The someone said that there was a trash can right next to Mimi. Because of moves like that, Mimi probably thinks she owns the diva game. Mimi needs to think again, because Korean Air exec Heather Cho runs the game. I’m guessing that Heather Cho doesn’t chew gum, because she needs to keep her jaw strong for bitching out Korean Air employees. But if she did chew gum, she’d make an assistant pull it out of her mouth while wearing a brand new silk white glove and afterward she’d fire them for being too slow.
Reuters says that Heather Cho, VP of Korean Air and daughter of the airline’s chairman, was forced to resign as head of in-flight service when a flight was held up because of her arrogant executive antics. Before a Korean Air flight from JFK to the Korean city of Incheon took off on Friday, Heather Cho was sitting in the first class section when a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts (wait for it, wait for it) in a bag. IN. A. BAG. The flight attendant might as well have served her shit on a Nickelback CD. That’s how offensive macadamia nuts in a bag are. Does Ms. Cho look like she’s sitting in the cargo area with a bunch of dogs? I mean, macadamia nuts in a bag. Unacceptable!
An industry official tells Reuters that Heather Cho dismissed the flight attendant and summoned the cabin crew chief to her seat. She asked the cabin crew chief if the flight attendant read the in-flight service manual, because if they did they would know that macadamia nuts should be served in a dish, not in a bag. Ms. Cho told the cabin crew chief to grab the manual and read the nut-handling guidelines to her (I’d like to read the nut-handling guidelines too for future reference). When the cabin crew chief couldn’t find the in-flight service manual, Ms. Cho “took issue with the cabin crew chief’s qualifications” and she kicked him off of the flight. The plane went back to the gate where the cabin crew chief got off.
The flight arrived in Incheon 11 minutes late.
Sounds like the come-to-life corn broom isn’t exactly…brushing off…news about her ex (insert Horatio Caine sunglasses gif). According to In Touch, Gwyneth Paltrow got all kinds of ragey recently when she heard that her sneaky sabotage hadn’t worked and Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were still humping on each other. It all started on Halloween, when Goopy was on her way to a photo shoot. Apparently she had heard that JLaw was at The House of Scarves (aka Chris’ home in Malibu) a few days earlier, and it was pissing her off more than the time her assistant accidentally pressed her kale in the $3,739 silver juicer instead of the $4,739 gold juicer.
A source claims that’s when Goopy broke her one-ciggy-a-month rule and started chain smoking right there in the car, followed by asking the driver to pull over so she could get a drink. The source goes on to say:
“She was a mess. She never smokes or drinks like that, so everyone knew something was up.”
The source also says she was “frantically” texting Chris Martin the whole time. I call bullshit on that one – Gwyneth would NEVER do something as unsophisticated and common as texting. Fingers were meant for dipping into $2,031 jars of imported hand-gathered beluga caviar, not tapping poo emojis into a phone. Ew, what’s next? SKYPE?!?!
Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner. And unless she wants to end up on A&E’s Snobby Unsalted Cracker Intervention, she needs to find a way to avoid anything that reminds her of JLaw! From now on, no burping, no farting, and for goop sakes, change the name of the outdoor pizza oven at Castle Goopskull to the al fresco flatbread hearth! No more pizza! Pizza is a trigger!
Unless you live in a pineapple under the sea, you know that Katherine Heigl is a come-to-life canker sore whose name has become synonymous with next-level difficult beyotches. Hell, her reputation as an unpleasant hag is so well-known, that “Heigl” has practically become shorthand for “asshole” (thanks, Shonda Rimes!). And yet, poor Katherine Heigl has no idea how she became known as the shade-throwing cunt-dipped nightmare of Hollywood. Wow Such sad. Very unfairness.
During a Q&A on Facebook (via Us Weekly), one of Katherine’s fans – who appears to have a good wifi connection in their pineapple – asked the question: “I’ve heard rumors that your very rude. What’s your thoughts?“. Katherine responded by whipping her laptop at her assistant’s face and screaming “I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SCREEN THE QUESTIONS FIRST!!!” No! She responded by saying:
“Yeah I’ve heard those too…honestly I don’t think I am…nothing makes me more uncomfortable than confrontation or hurting someones feelings and I would never, ever actively do so on purpose. Of course just like any human being I’ve made mistakes and unwittingly or carelessly spoken or acted but I always try to make any wrong right. That doesn’t mean I won’t stand up for myself by drawing boundaries and asking to be treated kindly and respectfully but I don’t do that with any rude or unkind intentions just with the same strength and honesty I think every one of us is entitled to.”
Then she whipped her laptop at her assistant.
This isn’t the first time Heigl has addressed those rumors that she’s as pleasant as an infected hemorrhoid, and it won’t be the last, as long as there are Shonda Rimes types out there spilling the tea. And I’m sure Katherine doesn’t always mean to be an insufferable ass cramp on purpose, it’s just that everything she says or does comes across as majorly cunty. Like that answer! I totally pictured a pissed-off Katherine Heigl stabbing the keys of her keyboard as she typed that shit out, then sitting back and hissing: “THERE. Are you HAPPY NOW?!?”
I think if she wants to appear less awful, she should steal one of those helper-bots from Lowe’s and re-program it to follow her around all day and alert her every time she does something Heigl-y. Oh dear, did I just feel sorry for a robot?