Well if this isn’t the definition of a bitch calling a bitch a bitch. Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman are currently shooting The Secret in Their Eyes together, and apparently Julia hates Nicole and thinks she’s a rude stuck-up twat. According to the National Enquirer, an on-set source claims that Julia has nicknamed Nicole “Her Majesty” because she’s a demanding bitch who treats the crew like peasants and doesn’t speak to anyone:
“Julia HATES the way Nicole treats the crew! She acts like they’re servants, and doesn’t talk to them – except to issue commands – while Julia now knows everyone by first names, and makes a point of being friendly.”
The source went on to say that Nicole became public enemy #1 to Julia the day she found out that Her Majesty had refused to sign a birthday card that was being passed around. Not signing a birthday card? I’m pretty sure that’s how you secure yourself a first-class seat to Hell. So Julia decided to fight cuntiness with cuntiness by ordering a huge birthday cake and having it delivered right outside Nicole’s trailer. Then she gathered the cast and crew to sing Happy Birthday. Then Julia gave everyone on set a car and a puppy and one of her kidneys. NO! That last one didn’t happen, but it probably will if Nicole keeps being a stand-offish beyotch.
Then again, this is only one side of the story. Did Julia ever think to ask Nicole why she was being such a cold cunt? Maybe she got the wet shits from a bad batch of Botox and she was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so she hid in her trailer.
Here’s Her Majesty filming some scenes with Chiwetel Ejiofor for The Secret in Their Eyes a few weeks ago. I’m sure if you look closely, you can see Julia Roberts hiding behind those stairs with her hand cupped around her mouth so she can holler “Abitchsayswhat?” after every one of Nicole’s lines.
Even though the resolution of that picture is lower than low and it looks like it was screen grabbed off a Sega Game Gear using a Nokia flip phone, you can still see Cate Blanchett’s impeccably flawless “Not Today” eye-shanking shining through. Poor pixel quality is never a match for a top-shelf bitchface!
During the never-ending promotional tour for that Cinderella movie, Cate Blanchett proved that there’s no bitch like an over-your-shit bitch when journalist Jonathan Hyla asked her a question about a cat. A CAT! That’s the face Cate Blanchett gives you when you ask her about cats. Coincidentally, that’s also the same face I make when I show up to a party and find out there’s no cheese.
Jonathan Hyla wanted to know if it was difficult to get the cat who played Lucifer to do what she wanted while he was on a leash. That’s when Cate returned her eyebrows to the upright position before hissing “That’s your question? That’s your fucking question?”
Jonathan later posted a clip of the entire interview to prove that Cate was only pretend pissed at him, which is a serious no duh, since there would be nothing left of Jonathan but a pile of ashes and a clump of charred beard hair if she was serious. And even if she was kidding, I hope he remembers the look on Cate’s face so he can cross-reference it with the look his girlfriend’s cat gives him the next time he suggests putting it on a leash. “I see you’re giving me about a 6.3 on the Cate Scale of NO…maybe we’ll try again later.”
Here’s Cate at the Australian premiere of Cinderella in a dress that’s giving me some Wet N’ Wild Barbie vibes (I don’t hate it) last week:
It’s been much, much too long since we’ve all gotten a piping hot, extra large serving of cuntness from gold digging grand champion and one of my cunt idols Heather Mills, so thankfully she was asked to be on Ireland’s The Late Late Show where she delivered a beautifully bitchy gem. Heather, who was only relevant for being married to Paul McCartney, was a little pissed when the host Ryan Tubridy brought up Paul McCartney’s name. Thankfully for him, Heather Mills didn’t pull a Heather Mills by dumping a glass of water on his head, but she did say that she wasn’t there to talk about Paul. Ryan told Heather that people are interested in what she has to say about Paul and she responded by spitting out this shiny jewel of delusion:
“No, they’re not. That’s the thing. If I go down the street, all I get is kids coming up to me, half of them don’t even know who he is. That’s why he has to do songs with Rihanna and Kanye West, so people remember. But you know, most of the time I have people coming down the street and saying, ‘Oh my god! You’re a ski-racer’ or ‘You help the animals.’ I own the biggest vegan company in the world. Most of the money I do goes into helping animals, disabled kids, landmine clearing charities… You know, things that are changing the world. This is just someone I fell in love with who to me was a normal guy that happened to write a few cool songs in the 60s and a few in the 70s. It was just someone I fell in love with.”
1. Heather Mills thinks that Heather Mills is more relevant and “in with the kids” than Paul McCartney. If delusion needs inspiration on how to be more delusional, it should spend time with Heather Mills.
2. We all know that “kids” aren’t running up to Heather Mills in the street. That’s crazy. Most kids have been told at a very, very young age to never ever go up to that witch Heather Mills, because she’ll eat their souls.
3. If anyone does go up to Heather Mills in the street, the only question they probably ask her is, “Do you still have that PT Cwuza?”
Fashion designers and noted gaping assholes Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana aren’t really shy when it comes to their thoughts on gays and lesbians raising chirrun. Even though they’re gayer than a splatter of strawberry-scented lube on a pink crystal butt plug charm, they don’t think that gay people should be parents and said that kids born through IVF are “synthetic babies.” And that is how you fuck with your business and money with just a few simple words. (Side note: I call dibs on the band name Synthetic Babies, so don’t even think about it.)
For years, Dolce and Gabbana have been caca-ing at the mouth about how a child needs to be raised by a mother and a father and blah blah blah… They said it again during an interview with the Italian magazine Panorama, and this time they spit on IVF too, which is pretty rich since Stefano Gabbana once said that he wanted his own child and asked a friend to carry it. via HuffPo
According to translations, the pair — who dated for 23 years and broke up in 2005 — stated that children born through IVF are “children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”
“I am gay, I cannot have a child. I guess you cannot have everything in life,” Dolce added. “Life has a natural course, some things cannot be changed. One is the family.”
Gabbana added: “The family is not a fad. In it there is a supernatural sense of belonging.”
Naomi the Terrible is truly back (maybe)! She’s slapping down cameras in Cuba and possibly going after lessers in Paris. During yesterday’s Apple nerd jack-off session, Tim Cook shouldn’t have announced their $10,000 asshole badge called the gold Apple Watch. He should’ve announced that Apple is shutting down and closing their doors, because now that Naomi the Terrible has possibly returned, it’s time for her weapon of choice BlackBerry to rise to the top once again!
Page Six says that RiRi is the Helen of Troy of our time, because she’s got bitches fighting over her ass. A witness says that on Sunday night at a party for Dasha Zhukova’s Garage Magazine at club Castel in Paris, a chalk outline of Cara Delevingne’s brows almost ended up on the floor when she and Naomi Campbell got into it. One witness says that Naomi celebrated International Women’s Day by going after St. Vincent’s scissor sister for talking shit about RiRi.
I was going to scream, “FREEEEEEEEE HEATHER CHOOOO,” but then I realized that I don’t mind nuts in a bag. At this point, I’ll take nuts any way I can get ‘em.
Former Korean Air executive Heather Cho instantly became GOOP and Anna Wintour’s unofficial hero of the year last December when she flew into a full-blown entitled ass rage after a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts in a bag, instead of on a plate, in first class on a flight from JFK to the South Korean city of Incheon. Heather eventually resigned as VP of the company. Heather’s father, Korean Air president Cho Yangho, told the press at the time that he blames himself for raising her badly. An investigation was launched, because Heather made the pilots take the plane back to the gate so she could kick off the chief flight attendant for not training their staff to serve macadamia nuts in a dish. That chief flight attendant should also be disciplined by the law for not throwing a DEEZ NUTS joke at Heather Cho when they had the chance.
During the trial, witnesses testified that Heather Cho hit the chief flight attendant with the service manual, and a flight attendant testified that he was told by a Korean Air manager to keep his lips shut about her nut-induced cuntastic tantrum. Prosecutors asked the judge to throw Heather Cho in jail for 3 years, because she broke aviation law and tried to mess with their investigation. The judge gave her one year instead. The Korean Air manager who told that flight attendant to shut their mouth was also sentenced to eight months in the chokey. via BBC News
Judge Oh Sung-woo said it was a case where “human dignity” had been “trampled upon”.
Judge Oh said Cho had treated the flight “as if it was her own private plane”.
“It is doubtful that the way the nuts were served was so wrong,” he said.
The judge said Cho, who is also known as Cho Hyun-ah, had failed to show enough remorse even after she submitted letters to the court apologising for the incident.
CNN says that the trial got a lot of attention in South Korea, because the people are sick of nepotism and sick of wealthy, powerful families getting away with all sorts of shit.
South Korea does not play. Heather Cho’s nut rage only happened in December and she’s already lost her job and is heading for prison. Can we as a people get together and lie and say that Conrad Hilton was actually on a Korean Air flight in South Korea when he thew that King Joffrey-approved tantrum so that Judge Oh Sung-woo can sentence him to one full of year of serving macadamia nuts in a bag to Heather Cho in prison?
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s a tale of love and compassion….
Professional cheater Lance Armstrong took his lying act from his bike to his SUV last December when he hit a bunch of parked cars and let his girlfriend Anna Hansen take the fall. The Aspen Daily News (via ESPN) says that after partying in Aspen, CO on December 28th, Lance got behind the wheel of his GMC Yukon and during the drive home, he hit two parked cars. Poor Lance is so sick of the media throwing shit at him for the stuff he brought on himself, so Anna agreed to say she was driving to avoid national attention. I know, doesn’t that just bring your cold, dead heart to life and make you believe in true love?
It’s been much too long since we’ve all choked on a river of laughs coming out of our mouths while reading the hilarious deep thoughts of one of delusion’s ambassadors Kunty Karl. Kunty Karl is back and is once again showing us that he probably wins open mic night at the Death Eaters Comedy Club every week, because his shit is funny.
Britain’s Stylist Magazine (via Cosmopolitan) asked the German King of the Vampires what he would do if he ran England. I don’t know why Stylist even asked him that. We all know that if Kunty Karl ran England, he’d make eating actual food illegal and he’d deport all fatties to a land far, far away. Karl didn’t say he’d do that, but he did say that he’d take away welfare for families and give that money to people who dressed well. Whoever said that zombies have no sense of humor has never read a Kunty Karl quote.
“I would make myself head of the style police and we would fight fiercely against sloppiness,” said the high fashion legend. Being well turned-out is not a question of means. Benefits for families would be replaced by maintenance bonuses for those who make an effort.”
Kunty Karl then got a little serious when he said that he’d make everyone learn a bunch of languages because it’ll combat Alzheimer’s or something:
“I would make everybody learn two or three languages. Being trilingual is essential, it opens doors for you, opens your mind and helps you to avoid Alzheimer’s disease.”
Compared to the bitchy nuggets that have come out of Karl’s mouth before, those quotes aren’t bad. I guess he was saving his best cunty material for The New York Times.
The New York Times did a profile on 35-year-old Brad Kroenig, a male model who is part of Karl’s Boys. Karl’s Boys is a group of male models who follow him around the world. They claim that their relationship with Karl is strictly platonic and they don’t have to suck on his crypt keeper boner. The New York Times reporter tagged along as Brad went to Dubai with Karl. During the trip, the reporter asked Karl why his entourage is filled with male models.
Lagerfeld refers to Brad and the other models that travel with him as his family, albeit a self-selected, genetically ideal one. “I hate ugly people,” Lagerfeld told me. “Very depressing.”
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Bitch must hate himself then,” don’t say it out loud! He can hear you and he’ll punish you for saying that. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night staring at his white pot scrubber hair as he sucks the blood out of your chest. Besides, Kunty Karl doesn’t know what he looks like. Vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors. Duh.
Georgette the Poodle’s less-fun human equivalent Gwyneth Paltrow is once again back to inform us ignorant dum-dums on a subject Gwyneth is clearly very knowledgeable about: MEAN GIRLS. And no, not the movie (I bet Goopy’s interpretation of Mean Girls would be that it’s a movie about a beautiful wealthy popular girl named Regina George who is relentlessly bullied by a bunch of jealous haters). Gwyneth already covered the topic of women being mean to other women once already this week in Harper’s Bazaar UK, but I guess she had more to say, because now she’s talking about mean bitches being mean bitches to Gwyneth Paltrow in the February issue of Marie Claire.
Twenty years ago, Christina Aguilera was one of Mickey Mouse’s money makers and I’m sure back then he would’ve gladly taken a picture with her since she was making him cash. But now that she’s no longer one of his hos, he acts like he doesn’t know who she is. That Mickey Mouse has always been a shady, shady bitch.
TMZ says that over a week ago, Xtina spent her 34th birthday at Disney’s California Adventure in Anaheim, CA and she turned the happiest place on Earth into the cuntiest place on Earth. (Side note: I’ve worked at Disneyland before and it’s always been the cuntiest place on Earth to me, because it turns people into monsters who can’t act right.) Some source says that Xtina and her friends wanted to get a picture with Mickey Mouse, but it was break time for him and nobody, not even one of his former club members, gets between him and his smoking time.
When Mickey Mouse refused to take a picture with them, Xtina allegedly turned into Cuntina and called him an “asshole” before pulling some embarrassing “Do you know who I am?” shit. Mickey probably thought to himself, “Of course I know who you are, trick, because I made you. You’re welcome.” The source says that Xtina’s crew also got crazy and when they screamed threats at Mickey Mouse, he was ushered away by his handler to a “safe zone.” Security was called, but by the time they showed up on the scene, Xtina and her gang of messy hooligans were gone.
What a time to be alive…
There’s not even video of this, but my soul still got the tingles in a major way while picturing that drunk mess Xtina scream “Do you know who I am?!” at a person in a Mickey Mouse costume. She really made Laura Jeanne Poon proud. This has to be the most entertaining thing she’s done in years. It’s a good thing she didn’t scream that at the Mickey Mouse in Times Square, because he doesn’t play and he would’ve cut her up with the shank he made from a mouse trap spring.
But seriously, it’s always a sad day when a pimp has a falling out with one of his former hos. Xtina did mess with the wrong bitch, though. Mickey will get his revenge. Xtina shouldn’t be surprised if she wakes up one day to find the decapitated heads of all of her red lipsticks in her bed.
And I must thank Xtina for this beautiful belated Christmas gift. Whenever I’m down and need a quick pick-me-up, I’ll think of the beer sloshing out of her cup as she slurs out the words, “Do you know who I am?” at Mickey Mouse.