Then Batman added: “And that wig isn’t fooling anyone. We all know it’s you, Joker.”
Apropos of nothing, Bethenny Frankel’s estranged mother Bernadette Birk (who’s name sounds like the cunning social-climbing stepmother in a V.C. Andrews novel) recently spoke to Radar about her daughter, and in case you were wondering whether or not they still hate each others guts, I’ll let Bernadette’s cuntified verbal air-kisses to her daughter answer that for you. Bernadette, who hasn’t seen Bethenny in over a decade, hissed that Bethenny’s talk show was “terrible” and she stopped watching after a week because she was “bored”. She then says all the shit Bethenny talked about her in her 2011 autobiography/self-help book Place of Yes were LIES, and that Bethenny is the awful bitch, not her. Bernadette claims Bethenny used to be cool, but then she turned 16 and became a snobby snob and an arrogant bitch.
When Katherine Heigl, the cauterized scab stuck to humanity’s tonsils, publicly shit on the Grey’s Anatomy writing team by saying that she wasn’t going to submit herself for an Emmy nomination due to the writing of her character being pure crap, the show’s creator Shonda Rhimes held back a little and didn’t go all the way in. But now that Shonda is one of the most powerful people in television, she is no longer keeping her tongue from hurling out solid disses at Heeeeeeeeeigl.
In 2012, Shonda told Oprah that Katherine’s comments to the press stung her, but she wasn’t surprised (read: bitches be bitching). In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Shonda doesn’t hold back at all and lets a trick know that the bridge wasn’t just burned. The bridge was blown to pieces and there’s not a ladder long enough to connect their sides again. Not even Shelley Long’s Outrageous Fortune character can leap across.
Shonda probably isn’t going to direct anal porn anytime soon, because she doesn’t want to work with gaping assholes.
Although her perfectionist tendencies coupled with Scandal’s breakneck story pace can wreak havoc on deadlines — “We’re always behind,” she admits — the operation runs smoothly and the cast is tight-knit. “There are no Heigls in this situation,” she says, choosing her words carefully. She adds later of her “no assholes” policy: “I don’t put up with bullshit or nasty people. I don’t have time for it.”
Shonda has a “no asshole” policy yet she brought Isaiah Washington back to Grey’s Anatomy. Okay….
I never got into Grey’s Anatomy and I don’t watch Scandal even though every time I talk to my mom, she says, “You don’t watch Scandal. We have nothing to talk about.” I did watch the first episode of How I Met Your Murderer, because the preview of Viola Davis dramatically saying in a Maya Angelou-like tone, “HOW TO. GET AWAY WITH. MUUUUUUUUUURRRDER,” sold me. Anyway, I haven’t really gotten into Shonda’s shows, but I am totally getting into her calling Katherine Heigl out by name. She’s saying, “I’m not scared of calling you out by name, because I AM SHONDA RHIMES!”
The rest of THR’s article goes on to talk about how earlier this year, Shonda held meetings with other networks and ABC got scared of losing their golden child so they gave her a bunch of money in exchange for a four-year deal. So since Shonda currently owns ABC on Thursday nights, I guess the only way Heigl will ever be on ABC on a Thursday night is if her ZzzQuil commercial airs right before the 11 o’clock news.
It’s no secret that Ariana Grande Latte has a reputation of being an entitled, demanding fan-hating diva bitch Bratz doll in 20lbs of fake hair and a store-bought Lolita act, but now it sounds like even the people who get paid to tolerate the budget Nick Jr. version of Mariah Carey have had enough of her spoiled sexy baby bullshit. According to Page Six, Airhead Grande Hairhead’s life coach quit because he couldn’t handle her shitty attitude anymore. An insider says he was hired to keep her “centered and healthy”, but it was impossible, since she’s exactly as awful as you’d imagine a 21-year-old come-to-life Bratz doll would be:
“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.”
Of course, a source close to Airhead claims that the “life coach” who quit was never actually her life coach, but a choreographer who is just mad he got fired by the wigged one:
“It is nothing but a spiteful former employee that has been telling rumors around town for the last several months.”
If the “life coach” is actually a choreographer who got fired, I wonder what he got canned for? I bet he tried to take a picture of the right side of Ariana’s face. Or maybe he made the mistake of reminding her that she’s an adult woman. “Excuse me?? I’m a VERY sexy baby! YOU’RE FIRED!”
But in the event he was actually her life coach, it’s ok that he quit. The only life coach Ariana needs is her manager, Scooter Braun! I mean, look how well Justin Bieber has turned out? He could practically teach an Oprah’s master class on being a spoiled arrogant toddler!
Here’s Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop superstar sister serving up some not-right Toddlers & Tiaras realness at the Power 106 All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday. Do you ever get the feeling that Ariana Grande is just part of a long con being pulled by Chris Hansen to catch predators? I feel like at any moment, he’s going to walk on stage and ask everyone to have a take a seat.
Ariana Grande Latte Really Loves And Appreciates Her Fans (And I Mean The Opposite Of That, Of Course)
“I just want to squeeze you until you’re dead. Die! Die! I fucking hate you, you fucking bitch fuck! KISSY FACE!” is just one line from the internal monologue playing in Ariana Grande’s head while that was picture was being taken.
The music career of Ariana Grande, the demon that possessed a talking Bratz doll, isn’t even an hour old and the media is already tearing her to shreds for her diva bitch ways. Just in the past few weeks, there’s been stories about how she’s demanding, a complete asshole and will shank a bitch in the throat if they photograph her right side, Even Giuliana Rancic hates her. Well, here’s another story for the pile. This happened over the summer, but since America’s new favorite feel-good sport is hating on Blossom’s feminist of choice, the NYDN brought it out today.
Some source says that while visiting a radio station in Manhattan, Ariana put on a fake smile while signing autographs but as soon as she got into the elevator, she dropped the fakeness and wished death upon them all.
“She did autographs and pics and was all smiles until she got into the elevator,” a stunned industry insider tells us. “And as soon as the doors shut she said, ‘I hope they all fucking die.’ ”
Oh, young, evil Ariana, we’re all going to fucking die someday. It’s the fucking circle of fucking life.
This is kind of hilarious, because it’s funny when toddlers curse! They sound like adult people, almost! But it isn’t not funny when kids wish death upon people. Nope. That shit is scary. Those are the scariest kind of horror movies. I’m laughing now, but I won’t be laughing when stories come out about how Ariana’s lipstick is made of the blood of the small creatures she kills in her backyard for fun. Ariana’s own mom thought she was going to be a serial killer. She warned us! I bet that wicked child wishes hos who cross her into the cornfield. The cornfield might seem like it’s a nice place since Ariana isn’t there, but I doubt she lets her enemies off that easy. Her music probably plays on a loop in the cornfield. So do whatever that devil’s spawn says before you end up in a living, nonstop Problem.
Here’s Ariana the Terrible secretly wishing death upon her fans at Narita Airport in Tokyo today.
There was a time when 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather Jr were best brofriends forever, but their bromance ended after a business deal between the two went bad two years ago. Since then, 50 Cent has made it one of his life goals to troll the shit out of Floyd and he continued to troll him hard on Instagram yesterday. While celeb whores keep challenging each other to that Ice Bucket Challenge, Ten Dimes challenged his ex-BFF to something else. A bunch of ice falling on Floyd isn’t a challenge at all, because he’s been hit in the skull so many times that he’s lost all feeling in his head and face. So 50 dared Floyd to complete a really challenging challenge. 50 dared Floyd to read.
Apparently, the noted lady beater has the reading skills of Kendull Jenner and this Christmas he’ll probably find a copy of Hooked on Phonics in his stocking. Floyd reads about as good as 50 Cent throws. On Instagram yesterday, 50 challenged Floyd to read one page from a Harry Potter book. If Floyd can do it without stopping and starting again, 50 promised to donate $750,000 to any charity of his choice. 50 later changed up the challenge when he realized that maybe Harry Potter is a little too advanced for Floyd. 50 is allowing Floyd to read “Cat In The Hat” and Jimmy Kimmel agreed to host the “ALS/ESL challenge” on his show. Oh, 50, that glorious piece of shit asshole.
After 50 Cent challenged Floyd to read, Power 105′s The Breakfast Club played a clip of Floyd struggling to read a handful of words. That’s some Jordan Catalano shit.
Floyd hasn’t publicly responded to 50 Cent yet, but there’s a rumor on Tumblr and Twitter that he tweeted (and deleted) this:
Floyd can’t read a book, but he can read a bitch.
Why? Why? Why did I have to find out on the Lord’s Day that when Gene Simmons frowns, his cheeks look like saggy grandma tits? I could’ve handled it if I found out on a Monday. And now I’m depressed.
Back in July, notorious butt dingle Gene Simmons told SongFacts.com that he really has no sympathy for depressed people and drug addicts. The interview went unnoticed when it first came out, but after Robin Williams’ suicide, it made its way around the Internet. Gene was asked if he gets along with the original members of Kiss and he said that he doesn’t, because he doesn’t get along with drug addicts and anyone who “has a dark cloud over their head and sees themselves as a victim.”
Gene said that if you want to know real pain and suffering, talk to his mother, because she was in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. So unless the Nazis are beating you while holding you against your will in a concentration camp, you have no right to see the world as a shitty place. Oh Gene, the world was a shitty place then, it can be a shitty place now and it’s an even shittier place when you open up your crusty diarrhea slit of a mouth and speak words.
That photo was obviously a silent cry for help. At first, it looks like Casey Kasem’s glazed in the eyes, because that Amazonian she-hulk is squeezing him so tight that he’s losing consciousness. But now that I look at it, it’s obvious that the look in his eye says, “Save me from this crazy bitch who will one day drag my dead body all over the world.”
When we last left the bitch tower of craziness that is Jean Kasem, she was out of the country and Casey’s family was trying to track her down because his body was missing. At the time, Jean Kasem was believed to be in Israel, because she’s a humanitarian and figured that if she went to the Middle East, the Israelis and the Palestinians would stop fighting each other and join forces to get her out. Well, Jean Kasem has turned up and so has Casey’s body. Casey’s body has been in Montreal for weeks, but now Jean’s trying to move it to Oslo, Norway, because she’s insane or because she’s really trying to rack up those frequent flier miles.
Jean pulled Casey’s body out a funeral home after his death in June and flew him all the way to Canada. Santa Monica PD is investigating Jean for elder abuse and they ordered an autopsy on the body, but that hasn’t been done yet, because his body is nowhere near L.A. TMZ says that Jean is planning on taking Casey’s body to Oslo and his kids are trying to stop that from happening. If Jean gets Casey’s body to Europe, an autopsy might never be done and the Santa Monica PD might have to drop their case against her due to insufficient evidence.
I’m sure they test for antifreeze poisoning in Canada, so can’t they just do the autopsy there? Better yet, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo and the gang need to stop playing around and drive the Mystery Machine to Canada to get Shaggy’s body. While they’re there, they should leave a trail of bologna slices and exquisite 90s headbands from Jean’s lair to their van so they can trap her ass.
This Weekend at Casey’s foolery needs to end. But then again, I wouldn’t be too mad if the Today show got rid of that shitty “Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?” segment and replaced it with “Where In The World Is Casey Kasem’s Body?“
That Evil Sister, Sister-Hating Witch Charlize Theron Is Trying To Get Tia Mowry Banned From SoulCycle
Two weeks ago, we all learned a new disturbing fact about Charlize Theron: Bitch hates Sister, Sister!
One of the stars of Sister, Sister, Tia Mowry, bravely told esteemed American journal InTouch Weekly about the time that Charlize Theron treated her like piss jelly clinging to an expired urinal cake at SoulCycle. Tia said that she’s always been a huge fan of Charlize Theron and when she saw her at a spin class, she went up to her to say “hi.” Tia claims that Charlize rolled her eyes and said, “Oh God.” I’ve heard stories about Charlize Theron being a potent bitch wrapped in blonde hair, but I never wanted to believe it. But I guess there’s truth to it and sucking the rage juice out of Sean Penn’s dick has really brought the asshole out of her.
At the L.A. premiere of TMNT over the weekend, Tia told E! News that the whole story was blown out of proportion (translation: “Don’t sic your rabid dog on me, Charlize!“). Tia is over it and is done milking it for publicity, but apparently Charlize isn’t over it and is trying to get Tia kicked out of SoulCycle forever! To me, getting kicked out of SoulCycle is like getting kicked out of Hell. It’s a blessing. Someone saying, “You’ve been blacklisted from SoulCycle,” to me is like saying, “I care for you and care for the well-being of your legs and soul.” But to those rich Hollywood whores, SoulCycle is their life! They live and die by the cycle. Overpaying to ride a bike that doesn’t move gives them life. Getting banned from SoulCycle affects them the same way getting banned from an In-N-Out would affect me. Crazy-brained fucks.
So Tia getting banned from SoulCycle would be devastating to her and Charlize knows this. In a one hundred percent real story from Dish Nation (via ONTD), an “insider” at SoulCycle says that Charlize demanded that Tia be banned and when the managers refused, she threatened to take it to the top.
“Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen,” said an insider at SoulCycle.
“This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?” Theron said, according to employee.
Management said it would handle the situation, but a decision has yet to be made.
A NOBODY?! A NOBODY?! Let’s find out who the “nobody” is between Tia Mowry and Charlize Theron:
Charlize Theron has won an Oscar and has been nominated twice.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron’s movies have grossed hundreds of millions of dollars worldwide.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron bought herself a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and has been on a thousand “Most Sexiest” lists.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron makes millions of dollars from endorsement deals.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Um, you don’t need to pull out a pad of paper and a tiny pencil to calculate the score. It’s obvious that Tia Mowry won this. Tia Mowry owns the
throne Theron. Charlize, please have a seat in the back row of the highest balcony.
And when asked for a response, the management at SoulCycle said, “Charlie who? Oh, you mean that Sister, Sister-hating nobody who is now taking spin classes at the 24 Hour Fitness in Panorama City?”
Here’s Tia “Bigger Than Charlize” Mowry at the TMNT premiere.
If your Facebook feed looks at all like my Facebook feed, then it’s probably covered with hysterical and ultra paranoid whores screaming about how the end is near, Michael Crichton is a future teller and soon we’ll all be Goopy Paltrow in Contagion, because one American Ebola patient is in the U.S. and another one is coming. One of my Facebook friends who thinks we shouldn’t let them into the country liked the Two And A Half Men Facebook page. Bitch, you’re a fan of one of the most destructive visual viral diseases America has ever seen. You have zero room to talk.
One of the flaming pitchfork holders screaming for the U.S. to close our doors to the Ebola patients is mutated hairy orangutan ass wart Donald Trump. This morning, American humanitarian, Dr. Kent Brantly, arrived in Atlanta from Liberia in a specially outfitted private plane. He will be treated in a containment unit at Emory University. The other Ebola patient, American aid worker Nancy Writebol, is coming next week. Donald Trump is not happy about it and thinks we should leave Dr. Kent and Nancy over in Africa, because it’s their fault they have Ebola and America has bigger problems:
Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 1, 2014
The U.S. cannot allow EBOLA infected people back. People that go to far away places to help out are great-but must suffer the consequences!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 2, 2014
The U.S. must immediately stop all flights from EBOLA infected countries or the plague will start and spread inside our "borders." Act fast!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 2, 2014
If you asked a group of Americans to scream out something that’s worse than Ebola, most of them would probably blurt out, “DONALD TRUMP!” And yet for some reason, Donald Trump is allowed in this country.
But what do I know? Donald Trump obviously knows more than all of us when it comes to this subject, because he’s this country’s foremost expert on contagious diseases. I mean, he has contained the diseased animal on his head for centuries.
And if you need a palate cleanser after looking at Trump’s face, here’s Joe ManJello walking:
Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?
The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.
And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.