Trade those fancy shopping bags for sticks with handkerchief bags tied to the end of them and that might be Denise Richards and her daughter if that ass stain Charlie Sheen gets his way.
Earlier this year, Radar said that Charlie Sheen’s current full-time whore and future ex-wife Brett Rossi is jealous of Denise Richards and wants him to kick Denise and his girls out of the house he owns so she can drive by and let out a cold cunt cackle as they’re all dragging their belongings out of there. Denise has lived a few houses away from Charlie’s house of porn poon and crack for years and she hasn’t moved because she doesn’t want to pull her daughters out of their school. Radar says that Charlie has gotten the lawyers involved and sent Denise an eviction letter. Charlie’s rotting ground vulture meat of a heart wants Denise and his girls out and doesn’t care if they have to sell dirt pies on the side of the road to pay rent on their next house. Radar’s source burped this up:
“Charlie’s lawyers have advised Denise it’s time to move out of the Mulholland Estates mansion. He has claimed to have a buyer for the home lined up. Charlie wants Denise and the girls out — right away. Put simply, he doesn’t seem to care where Denise moves to. Brett convinced Charlie to sell the mansion, arguing that Denise has cut off access to their daughters, why should he allow her to live in the house for free? “Charlie hasn’t spent any significant time with the girls in several months and thinks it’s ridiculous that he continue to pay Denise $55,000.”
You know that special place Hell they always talk about? They just renamed it the Charlie Sheen Suite.
How many times does that ripped-off taint sore need to threaten to throw Denise’s ass out before she uses some of that mountain of cash he gave her in a divorce settlement to buy her own damn mansion? If she doesn’t have the cash, she can easily get it. All she has to do is throw a fake stache on her younger kid’s face. Then put that younger kid on the shoulders of the older kid and throw a trench coat over them. Send them over to Charlie Sheen’s house with a wheelbarrow full of white landscape rocks from Home Depot. The young one will introduce “himself” as Charlie’s new crack dealer and make Charlie sign a purchase slip before getting his regular daily order. Charlie will be so cracked out into another dimension that he won’t know that he’s really signing over the deed to the house that Denise Richards lives in to her! The house will be hers! Blehehehehe, it’s a crackhead-proof plan.
Chelsea Handler was on Piers Morgan’s soon-to-be-dead CNN show to whore out her book Uganda Be Kidding Me (which I’m sure will be turned into a feature film produced by Oprah and directed by Steve McQueen), and as people who hate both of those messes said a prayer for CNN to lock the doors from the outside and unleash a thousand Luxes on them, she verbally kicked him in the taint repeatedly. During commercial break, Piers’ face was glued to his phone and he ignored Chelsea, so when they came back she gnawed his ass off with her teeth and handed it to him in front of all his viewers. It was beautiful. The first 45 seconds in the video above is of Chelsea shitting on Piers, but if you’re not into seeing that in moving picture form, here it is in word form only:
Piers – You tweet, very amusingly.
Chelsea – I wish you did.
Piers – Hahahahahahaha…
Chelsea – I mean in the middle of the commercial break…. I want your viewers to know, they must know, because they’re probably following you on Twitter. I mean, you can’t even pay attention for 60 seconds. You’re a terrible interviewer.
Piers – Well you just weren’t keeping my attention.
Chelsea – But, that’s not my problem.
Piers – That is your problem!
Chelsea – This is your show. You have to pay attention to the guests that you invited on your show.
Piers – If they’re interesting enough.
Chelsea – Yeah, listen. It doesn’t matter how interesting I am. You signed up for this job.
Piers – Of course it does!
Chelsea – Well, maybe that’s why your job is coming to an end.
Piers – Ahahahahahaha! Wooooooow.
Chelsea – Wow.
Piers – Don’t want to cross you, do we?
Chelsea – I don’t know, do you?
Piers – I quite like to cross you. I like you when you’re being nasty.
Chelsea has been on Pier’s show before and he has been on her show, and this is kind of they’re thing. They always whip at each other back and forth with words. I think those sick bitches are into it. I bet that after the show, Chelsea put a chain link collar on Piers and dragged him back to the dungeon behind a hidden door in his dressing room. She tied him to a wooden rack, put a ball gag in his mouth and in between smoking vodka out of a vaporizer (it’s less calories, thankyouverymuch), she called him a piece of shit, a loser, a terrible interview, etc… etc… Then she spit on his face and called his assistant to untie him. He falls a little more in love with her every time she curses him out. It’s like Fifty Shades of Ugh.
When Piers says that he likes it when Chelsea’s nasty, I could feel his nipples get hard. Yes, feeling Pier’s nipples get hard feels a lot like the feeling you felt while watching Justin and Selena’s dirty dance of infinite love.
UPDATE: And a millisecond after I hit the publish button, TMZ says that Prince has dropped the lawsuit. Prince has either grown a sliver of a heart, or he put a hit out on those fans instead, or the lawsuit had a typo in it and he meant to sue them for $1 billion each. I’m going with the last one. Anyway, here’s the original post.
Things that Prince loves: Dunk-a-roos, sexy people, New Girl, Jehovah, grape-flavored lip chap for his anus (I’m taking a wild guess with that one) and perfectly manicured staches shaped like an upside down, headless man hugging the sky.
Things that Prince still hates: Non-sexy people and fans putting his music on the internet without a signed permission slip from him.
A little over ten days ago, Prince lined up 22 of his fans and one by one he climbed up a 4-foot-tall step ladder in front of them and slapped them in the face with a lawsuit for linking to videos from his concerts in the 80s and beyond. The Wrap says that Prince is suing 22 fans, mostly Facebook users, for copyright infringement and has accused them of “up to thousands of separate acts of infringement and bootlegging.” The fans allegedly put up links to Torrent sites and other places where you can download unauthorized clips of Prince performing in concert. Some of the fans set up pages or blogs devoted to sharing the clips. The Purple One doesn’t like it and wants $1 million from each of them and wants a permanent injunction to stop them from continuing to link his shit. Here’s a small piece of the ten million page lawsuit, which was filed in San Francisco on January 16th.
“Defendants, rather than publishing lawful content to their blogs, typically publish posts that list all the songs performed at a certain Prince live show and then provide a link to a file sharing service where unauthorized copies of the performance can be downloaded.
[The defendants] constitute an interconnected network of bootleg distribution which is able to broadly disseminate unauthorized copies of Prince’s musical compositions and live performances”
Suing his own fans for $1 million each?! Prince is the kind of cold-hearted, melodramatic, petty little evil villainess who Charles Dickens had wet dreams about. That bitch has always been mean and he’s getting meaner.
Well, he’s probably going to lose…… unless he shows up in court. The defendants will be at their desks, thinking they got this, and then all of a sudden the doors will magically open and a cloud of purple smoke and crying doves will flow into the room. At first the defendants will only see the top of a sparkly afro and as it gets closer and closer they’ll see Prince’s face as he throws them the meanest, cuntiest, bitchiest look they’ve ever seen. He’ll throw a side-eye that even Jehovah doesn’t want to witness. When that mean little purple gnome throws you a side-eye, you immediately declare yourself guilty and throw all your jooree and money at him before running for your life.
(Pic via VMan)
I need to correct that headline. It should read: When Pimping Out Your Teenage Kids On TV Goes RIGHT, because seeing Kate Gosselin contort that silicone oven mitt she calls a face into a “SING OUT, LOUISE!” look is like extra chunky chicken soup for my soul.
Shockingly enough, 13-year-old twins Cara and Mady Gosselin haven’t cut all ties with their bitch monster of a mother, sold her out in a tell-all and used the money to get as far away from her possible and run off to a land she’ll never go (aka a place with no cameras or access to Botox). But Cara and Mady are still with their mom and she’s still using them to keep the Gosselin name on people’s eyeballs. Kate, Cara and Mady were on Today this morning to whore out the interview they did with People last week and when it came time to turn it on, the twins choked and Kate transformed into a low-rent Disney villainess and her hand started sweating, because she wish she had a wooden spoon to spank the words out of them with. The awkward non-conversation went like this:
Savannah: Mady, what would you want to say about how you, your sister and your family are doing?
Kate: Mady, your words. It’s your chance, spit it out.
Savannah: What about you, Cara?
For the rest of the interview, Kate Gosselin did what she does best: talk out of her ass. At the very end, Cara and Mady must’ve realized that if they don’t try to save the interview their biological mother will punish them by spending the rest of the day with them. Because Mady piped up and said that she and Cara want to do another TV show. When Savannah asked Mady if they want to do another TV show, she said, “Yeah, it was fun. I miss it. Isn’t that how we rehearsed it, Ms. Gosselin? I did just like you said. Please don’t punish us by making us spend time with you. Please give us back to our real mother, the nanny. Please!”
And Jon Gosselin will obviously show up on The Insider to cry about this interview and then Kate Gosselin will show up on another show to cry about Jon crying about this interview and while they’re both fighting, Mady and Cara will put all their belongings into a hobo sack and make a run for it.
According to Radar, Charlie Sheen ordered his people to kick Denise Richards, her dad Irv and his three daughters out of the house that they live in and he owns, because the porn star whose asshole he’s snorting coke bumps out of wants her out. Charlie owns a few houses in Mulholland Estates including the one Denise lives in. Charlie’s current porn star piece Brett Rossi is jealous of Denise and she turns green every time she drives by Denise’s house. Yes, she probably turns green, because that’s a side effect of slurping on the toxic sludge that spills out of Charlie’s dick, but jealousy probably has something to do with it too. So Brett snapped her pussy lips and told Charlie to get rid of the bitch.
Charlie didn’t tell Denise himself, because their love-hate relationship is currently set to HATE. Charlie hasn’t talked to Denise since she ruined Christmas for him. The source spit out this shit:
“She complains that whenever she leaves the gated community, she is forced to drive by Denise’s house, and she just doesn’t like it. Charlie’s people told Denise he wants her out, and he didn’t tell her because they aren’t talking at the moment.”
The crackhead Maya Angelou seemed to respond to Radar’s story this morning by tweeting out a messy haiku (emphasis on HAI) about how he owns the farm and Denise Richards is merely a pig in his pen who kicks up shit with her “evil cloven hoofs.” Brett Rossi spat up her own open letter on Twitter, which is obviously about this messy situation. Here’s a piece of that shit:
Lastly, if YOU would like to meet up with MG and discuss how I can help the children have a happy & loving relationship with BOTH sides, I am more than willing to do so. I am only here to enhance things such as the note that was so delicately, respectfully & beautifully written to you. I don’t care about the ‘adult’ side of things, that is on you such as I have never cared to invest energy into things that are a waste of energy. Think about the babies & not ones own frustration or disagreements. It should always be about THEM. You protest privacy yet running to the press doesn’t make you exactly a saint. If you want something from someone, I was raised to display the respect before it is earned. I ask, respectfully, to please keep my name out of your mouth such as I respectfully have ALWAYS done for you without any hesitation.
Well, Brett can’t put Denise’s name in her mouth, because Charlie’s wet cheese stick dick is always in there.
What I don’t understand is, didn’t Denise get a mountain of cash in her divorce from Charlie? So why is she living in one of his houses? Why would you live in a house that Charlie owns? At any second, that crackhead could burst in and tell you to get the fuck out, because he lost the house in a gambling bet or gave it to the head of a sex trafficking ring in exchange for two barely legal girls from Eastern Europe.
I was going to say “poor kids,” but those girls have probably heard it, seen it and smelled it all and they’re used to Denise telling them, “We have to go now, because daddy’s whore wants us out.”
Shia LaDouche is facing a lawsuit from comic book artist Daniel Clowes for stealing some of Clowes’ work for his short film and he’s also facing a class-action lawsuit from millions of humans who sprained their necks while shaking their heads at his copy + paste theatrics. Everybody hates Shia LaDouche right now. So because Shia’s name is the #1 answer for the question, “Whose face do you want to punch repeatedly?” on Family Feud, he’s taking the hint and retiring. Shia dramatically announced on Twitter last night that he’s taking his final bow and is done with creating. To quote Jon Gosselin’s piece after he cums and says he’s done fucking her: “I wasn’t even aware you started, bitch.” Shia LaDouche has only created a crotch crabs and dick fleas mutant hybrid, but whatever.
Shia is so sick and tired of hating whores calling him out for his acts of shameless thievery that he’s done with public life. As an entire world weeped and screamed out “OH GOD OH GOD WHY?!” at the fact that there will never be an Even Stevens reunion movie, Shia twatted this out:
In light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I am retiring from all public life.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
My love goes out to those who have supported me.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
Not too long ago, a certain douchey piece of trash toddler was so sick of everyone “picking” on him for being a crusty ass sore that he took all his toys away, said he was done playing and went to sulk in the corner thinking everyone would scream, “No. Don’t go. Please.” That toddler’s name is Justin Bieber. So Shia LaDouche is plagiarizing Justin Bieber now….
Well, at least we have Eagle Eye to remember Shia LaDouche’s artistic contributions to culture.
CLOUD: - vapor floating in the atmosphere - remote servers used to SHARE DATA - to make LESS CLEAR or TRANSPARENT pic.twitter.com/jw9JlEi791
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 1, 2014
After popped testicle pimple Shia LaDouche got caught plagiarizing Daniel Clowes’ work for his short film, he plagiarized his fake apology from Yahoo! Answers. LaDouche should’ve stolen an idea from Barbie Breakout by sewing his mouth shut, but he kept on apologizing and kept on stealing his apologies from other apologies. LaDouche spent his New Year’s Eve filling Twitter with apology after apology, which he copy + pasted from Kanye West, some anti-abortion crazy, Tiger Woods, Shepherd Fairey, Mark Zuckerburg and Robert McNamara. And on New Year’s Day, LaDouche hired a skywriter to write the words “I Am Sorry Daniel Clowes” above parts of L.A. including Hollywood, Glendale and Studio. Daniel Clowes didn’t see it with his own eyes since he lives in the Bay Area. No word yet on who LaDouche stole the skywritten apology move from, but I wish that motherfucker took it a step further by hiring two more planes to write apologies for making Transformers and for tripling the scabies population in Southern California. (Actually, now that I think about it, LaDouche stole that skywriting move from the Wicked Witch who told Dorothy to surrender her ass.) Variety says that LaDouche hired Worldwide Sky Ads to write his latest douche scream for attention. LaDouche kept the shit-embedded fuckery coming by using Jay-Z’s words to tweet out another bullshit apology today:
I am not a biter. I'm a writer for myself and others. I steal some plot points & dialogue. I'm only big'n up my brother.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 2, 2014
Yes, we get it. Shia LaDouche is some kind of meta performance artist who purposefully stole Daniel Clowes’ work, so he could purposefully steal that Yahoo! Answers answer and keep stealing apologies from noted apologizers. It’s art, you not-knowing simpleton bitches! I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Shia shits out another STUNT QUEEN apology to Daniel Clowes by holding up a boombox, playing “In Your Eyes,” while standing outside of his house.
Leave it to Shia LaDouche to make me appreciate the modesty and subtleness of the artistry of James Franco.
Of course, I really mean the opposite of that headline. And that picture, Eve and Holly Hunter must’ve really fallen hard if they’re hanging around with that asshole.
So, for reasons I’ll never understand, Jon Gosselin was allowed to leave the woods and he’ll be smearing your TV screens with his douche nectar once again in Vh1′s Couples Therapy. To promote that wet turd of a reality show, Jon talked to Philadelphia Magazine (via HuffPo) and of course he used his time with them to spit poetic words of hate about his ex-wife, the leader of his child army and overall insufferable bitch Kate Gosselin. Jon called Kate out for being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who wants to be on TV, and it’s amazing that he didn’t overdose on irony and hypocriticalness since he said this while being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who is promoting some shitty TV show he’s on. Jon shat this pile of butt nuggets up:
“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.
She tweets everything. To the world, all about my children. I think it’s disgusting and awful. They can’t even have a normal life.”
It’s kind of sad that these two didn’t work out. They belong together. He’s a dried up period berry clinging to a used tampon at the bottom of a dirty, plastic trash can in the bathroom of a roadside motel and so she is. I bet that sometimes when Kate drops all thirty million of those kids off at Jon’s cabin for the day, he and she go off into the woods somewhere and hate fuck like old times. Now the police know why they sometimes get calls from people who hear what they think is a grizzly bear attacking a screeching possum.
And I’m terrorizing your retinas with Heather Mills’ Spandex-covered crotch. This is the best holiday season ever!
Father Cuntmas decided that it’s been much, much, MUCH, much too long since all of our souls have shriveled and died at the sight of gold digging hero Heather Mills, so he brought her back into our lives just in time for the holidays. Heather Mills is finally back out there in the world doing what she was born to do: being a complete crazy bitch to people. The Mirror says that Heather’s Paralympic dreams are over after she cursed out an official during tryouts. Now, that’s the throbbing asshole I’ve come to know and love.
Heather was hoping to compete with the British Disabled Ski Time in the Paralympic Winter Games in Sochi next March and she was in Austria earlier this week to compete at the Pitzal Europa Cup. During a meeting with the International Paralympic Committee at a hotel, she was told by official Sylvana Mestre that she couldn’t wear a specially adapted boot during competition, because it hadn’t been cleared by the committee. Well, Sylvana Mestre quickly learned that when you tell Heather Mills something she doesn’t want to hear, she will rip off her leg and shove it all the way up your culo. Sylvana Mestre tried to work with Heather on the boot issue, but working with Heather is like trying to train a great white shark to give you a sweet peck on the lips. She called Sylvana a “bitch” several times and then went off. The Mirror’s source said:
“Heather erupted in rage. She told Sylvana: ‘Don’t you know who I am? I will make your life a misery. I will have you removed from the IPC and the sport.’ Sylvana was afraid she might hit her.”
A coach for Slovakia’s team said that Heather tried to push Sylvana and Sylvana told her to get away.
A rep for the IPC released this statement (Side note: Shortly after this statement was released, the rep went missing and his neighbors say the last time they heard him he was screaming, “NOT THE LEG! NOT UP THE CULO! PLEASE,” in his apartment.
“Para-athletes are role models and an inspiration to billions of people around the world. This disgraceful outburst is not what we expect from any athletes competing in our competitions and will not be tolerated. We understand the pressure athletes are under in the lead-up to Sochi 2014 and that Heather has been working extremely hard to achieve her goal. However, there can be no excuse for such aggressive and intimidating behaviour towards such a highly respected and experienced official within the Paralympic movement. All Sylvana was trying to do was enforce the rules and offer Heather a solution to the issue.”
Heather was forced to withdraw and she’ll probably be fined 1,000 euros by the IPC. Her coach says that she plans to file a complaint against Sylvana and claims there’s a “vendetta” against her.
Sylvana better move to another country, change her face, change her name and do the same to all the men in her life. If Sylvana is married to a man, Heather Mills is going to fuck that man, marry him without a prenup and then take all of his money in the divorce. Then once she’s done there, she’ll fuck Sylvana’s father, marry him without a prenup and then take all of his money in the divorce. If Sylvana’s father is dead, Heather Mills will go to his grave, dig up his bones, fuck his bones and then take any rings on his phalanges. Heather Mills really is back! Merry Cuntmas to us all!
Tip: If you didn’t know this already, the only way to read the word DESTROOOOOY is to read it in Alexis Carrington’s voice. The word didn’t really come alive until it jumped off of her tongue.
Nigella Lawson took the stand today in the fraud trial against her two former assistants, sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, who are accused of using her ex-husband’s credit cards to buy all kinds of luxurious crap. Last week the Grillos’ lawyers claimed Nigella let them use Charles Saatchi’s credit cards if they promised to not tell him that she snorts coke and smokes the good shit on the regular. Charles’ gross ass said that even though he never saw a coke line go into Nigella’s nostril, he believes the sisters, because DUH. According to The Mirror, Nigella admitted on the stand today that she smokes a joint every now and again and has done coke a handful of times, once while she was stilled married to Mr. Sackofshitti. Nigella said she did coke with her late husband six times, because he was terminally ill and a friend said it might numb the pain.
Nigella hid her smoking of the good shit from Charles and never talked to him about it. Nigella told the court that she’s not a drug addict and she’s not a cokehead. She put on her Captain Obvious hat when she said that the rumors that she’s a Lohan-level cokey obviously came from Charles and the Grillos.
“These allegations appeared in a PR blog that had been dedicated to salvaging Mr Saatchi’s reputation and savaging mine. I felt that this would not become a fraud case, I would be put on trial, and actually that is what has happened.”
Nigella brought up the pictures of Charles choking her out at Scott’s restaurant in London over the summer. Nigella told the court that Charles told everyone that he was just trying to get coke out of her nose. I didn’t know White Oprah was Charles’ damage control counselor! As everyone in the court room choked on the laughs coming up their throats over Charles trying to say that he was just performing the Cokelich Maneuver on Nigella, she went on to explain what really happened:
“But what actually happened was that somebody walked by with a very cute baby in a stroller and I said ‘I am so looking forward to having grandchildren’, and he grabbed me by the throat and said ‘I am the only person you should be concerned with. I am the only person who should be giving you pleasure’. That is what happened.”
The hell? That sounds exactly like a cut scene from Sleeping with the Enemy. Nigella should’ve immediately called up Julia Roberts for tips on how to fake her damn death.
Nigella also testified that after the pictures of Charles trying to choke the coke out of her face came out, he threatened to destroy her and dance on the ashes of her reputation if she didn’t stand by him:
“He said to me that if I didn’t go to him and clear his name, he would destroy me, and also started spreading false allegations of drug use and in particular the awful incident in Scott’s.”
The best part of Nigella’s entire testimony was this part:
He (one of the sisters’ lawyer) said:”When you unfortunately separated from Mr Saatchi…”
Nigella interjected: “I wouldn’t say ‘unfortunately’.”
That made me snort coke out of my nose! The next time I need to get coke out of my nose, I don’t have to ask Charles Saatchi to choke it out of me. I just have to read that line of shade again.