Tip: If you didn’t know this already, the only way to read the word DESTROOOOOY is to read it in Alexis Carrington’s voice. The word didn’t really come alive until it jumped off of her tongue.
Nigella Lawson took the stand today in the fraud trial against her two former assistants, sisters Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo, who are accused of using her ex-husband’s credit cards to buy all kinds of luxurious crap. Last week the Grillos’ lawyers claimed Nigella let them use Charles Saatchi’s credit cards if they promised to not tell him that she snorts coke and smokes the good shit on the regular. Charles’ gross ass said that even though he never saw a coke line go into Nigella’s nostril, he believes the sisters, because DUH. According to The Mirror, Nigella admitted on the stand today that she smokes a joint every now and again and has done coke a handful of times, once while she was stilled married to Mr. Sackofshitti. Nigella said she did coke with her late husband six times, because he was terminally ill and a friend said it might numb the pain.
Nigella hid her smoking of the good shit from Charles and never talked to him about it. Nigella told the court that she’s not a drug addict and she’s not a cokehead. She put on her Captain Obvious hat when she said that the rumors that she’s a Lohan-level cokey obviously came from Charles and the Grillos.
“These allegations appeared in a PR blog that had been dedicated to salvaging Mr Saatchi’s reputation and savaging mine. I felt that this would not become a fraud case, I would be put on trial, and actually that is what has happened.”
Nigella brought up the pictures of Charles choking her out at Scott’s restaurant in London over the summer. Nigella told the court that Charles told everyone that he was just trying to get coke out of her nose. I didn’t know White Oprah was Charles’ damage control counselor! As everyone in the court room choked on the laughs coming up their throats over Charles trying to say that he was just performing the Cokelich Maneuver on Nigella, she went on to explain what really happened:
“But what actually happened was that somebody walked by with a very cute baby in a stroller and I said ‘I am so looking forward to having grandchildren’, and he grabbed me by the throat and said ‘I am the only person you should be concerned with. I am the only person who should be giving you pleasure’. That is what happened.”
The hell? That sounds exactly like a cut scene from Sleeping with the Enemy. Nigella should’ve immediately called up Julia Roberts for tips on how to fake her damn death.
Nigella also testified that after the pictures of Charles trying to choke the coke out of her face came out, he threatened to destroy her and dance on the ashes of her reputation if she didn’t stand by him:
“He said to me that if I didn’t go to him and clear his name, he would destroy me, and also started spreading false allegations of drug use and in particular the awful incident in Scott’s.”
The best part of Nigella’s entire testimony was this part:
He (one of the sisters’ lawyer) said:”When you unfortunately separated from Mr Saatchi…”
Nigella interjected: “I wouldn’t say ‘unfortunately’.”
That made me snort coke out of my nose! The next time I need to get coke out of my nose, I don’t have to ask Charles Saatchi to choke it out of me. I just have to read that line of shade again.
Kim Kardashian Is A Charitable Saint Who Is Auctioning Off Her Old Clothes To Benefit Typhoon Victims (And Herself, Mostly Herself)
That headline makes more sense if you read it as “charitable taint.”
Last night, Kim Kartrashian acted like the giving whore she is by making one of her minions queef on her blog about how she’s auctioning off a bunch of her clothes on eBay to benefit the victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. This was exciting news for sick, nasty bitches who really want to own a stretched out leather skirt covered in the blood of Satan, Pimp Mama Kris’ saliva, skid marks, fake tanner shit and Kanye’s cum stains. (Note: Those cum stains didn’t come from Kanye humping on Kim. They came from Kanye putting on the leather skirt and jizzing at how hot he looked while posing in the mirror.) Kim’s minion shat this up (via The Gloss):
Hi guys, this is a very special auction because a portion of the proceeds of my eBay auction are going to International Medical Corps, which is a nonprofit organization that provides critical health services on remote islands where families are struggling to access medical care and basic resources like food, clean drinking water and vital medications. The proceeds will go directly to the communities they’re serving in the Philippines and will help typhoon survivors get access to medical care and ultimately save lives. My prayers and thoughts are with those affected by the typhoon. Check out my eBay auction here and support those who need our help in the Philippines. Xo
Selling all her old rags and donating all the proceeds to International Medical Corps is a nice and kind-hearted thing to do, which is why she’s not donating all proceeds to charity. Bitch is only donating 10%. At the bottom of every auction is this little note:
I don’t think this is the first time that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris have pulled the “Let’s use a catastrophe to fill our greedy, gaping assholes with even more MONAY and get a tax write-off at the same time!” scheme. Greedy bitches staying greedy. But you know, I shouldn’t be so hard on those used enema whores. They probably wanted to donate 0.0000000000001%, so they really are giving
holes souls by donating 10%. True givers. Yes, the victims in the Philippines need clean water, food, clothes, shoes and basic human necessities, but Kim needs that 90% more. She needs it to buy fillers to keep her face looking like a dead-eyed rubber mallard duck that’s been ran over by a semi.
Here’s St. Kim and her friend Falala (or whatever the hell her name is) pushing North West in NYC.
In “Why isn’t CNN, The BBC, Al Jazeera and public access covering this?” news, The Hollywood Reporter says that Goopy Paltrow is going to have to find another way to avoid waiting in the school pick-up line with a bunch of ordinary, new money peasants in E-classes. Goopy was not born with an antique Henry V-era solid gold spoon in her mouth (silver spoons are for rich common trash like Ricky Schroder) just so she can stare at the back of some pleb’s basic car. But she might have to get used to it, because her kids’ school has declared the pick-up line as a NO VESPA zone. SHOTS FIRED!
A couple of months ago, bitch almost turned Apple into applesauce when she shifted her Vespa into the cunt gear and cut off a school bus after picking her kid up.
In a shocking turn of events, the driver wasn’t fired and the bus wasn’t destroyed for daring to get in front of the almighty GOOP! Instead, the school is punishing her. The school didn’t fully call out Goopy when they announced the ban. They only said they were banning Vespas due to “safety concerns.” Goopy’s spokeswhore denies it.
How dare that school punish Goopy like this. A bunch of commoners punishing Goopy. Ridiculous! If this was medieval England, all those basic school officials would be dragged out into the middle of town square and punished by being forced to read one of her shitty cookbooks line by line. They should give Goopy her own gold-paved entrance for being charitable enough to allow her children to grace the bland American walls of that school with their noble British presence. But you know, I bet Apple loves the Vespa ban, because now her mom will have to wait in line and won’t be able to just zip in front of everyone to get her. This gives Apple time to jump into the backseat of a car waiting in line and scream, “PLEASE, take me to the nearest McDonald’s! I’ll pay you…but I only have Euros.”
And if you’re a rich whore who doesn’t know what the phrase “insufficient funds” means and are looking for ways to waste your money on stupid overpriced shit this holiday season, the Annual GOOP Gift Guide is out!
(Pic via Bauer Griffin)
Seen above at a signing for his memoirs in Gothenburg, Sweden doing the same “Isn’t that special?” pose you did after reading the title of this post, Morrissey writes in his autobiography about how he wrapped his black heart (and other parts) around a dude named Jake Owen Walters for two years in the 90s. The excerpt from his memoirs called Autobiography about how he fell in love with a man made some people think it was his way of telling everyone that he loves dick as much as he hates the Royal familia. But on his site the other day, Morrissey let hos know that he’s not gay.
“Unfortunately, I am not homosexual. In technical fact, I am humasexual. I am attracted to humans. But, of course … not many”.
-MORRISSEY, Sweden, 19 October 2013.
“Humasexual” sounds like the name of someone who only gets hard for Huma Abedin. So the anti-Anthony Weiner, basically.
So what Morrissey’s trying to say is that he likes cock and clit, but he’s one of those bisexuals who is uncomfortable about being called bisexual, so he queefed up a made-up label that’s supposed to sound like a non-label. Okay, but I think the real shocking piece of news here is that Morrissey came out as an actual human being who is capable of feeling an emotion called love for another human being. Because up until now I figured he was just a humanized tragedy mask who only felt joy from cunt punting his Prince Charles doll over and over again.
Well, if you’re into spit porn, you’re a sick bitch and here’s something for your fap files.
Before a Hanson show in Seattle last night, an insane trick snuck onto the band’s bus, because he’s all the way crazy and probably wanted to caress his cheek against a brush full of Zac Hanson’s golden Rapunzel hair. But the crazy bitch’s plans were foiled when Zac Hanson caught him and threw him off the bus. The crazy bus crasher retaliated by slapping Zac in the face with a huge wad of spit. The crazy bitch was the Pumkin to Zac’s New York.
But I do have to give that insane asshole some credit. Yes, he’s more unstable than Kanye’s last nerve when the paparazzi starts talking to him, but the crazy bitch knows how to spit. The wad of mouth lube that the crazy bitch spit out is the kind of mouth lube that a porn star wants to see when he says to his scene partner, “Spit on that big dick, you filthy slut!”
And I’m sure Hanson’s bodyguards chased that dude down, dragged him to an abandoned warehouse, trapped him in a small box and forced him to listen to MMMBop on a loop. Halfway through the second listening, every muscle and nerve in his body died and now he’s physically incapable of ever spitting again. Hanson always wins.
Heat World (via Radar) says that before his performance on the BBC’s Later with Jools Holland, Kween Kanye West made it clear to the show’s staff that he wouldn’t perform unless his dressing room looked a giant cum stain (aka all white). Kanye also said that he wouldn’t step foot in his dressing room unless the carpet was as smooth as his ass lips after his man-in-waiting steams it. Heat World didn’t say this, but I heard that Kanye also made the show’s staff line the doorway to his dressing room with huge white dildos to ward off Kim Kartrashian.
The source says that Kanye’s entourage was as big as his throbbing, pus-leaking ego and they took up more than half of the 15 dressing rooms. Kanye demanded that everything in his dressing room be white from the flowers to the curtains to the walls. The source said that the show’s staff really threw a wave of side-eyes when Kanye told them to flatten the carpet out with an iron, because it was too bumpy for him. The source went on to say, “Everybody knew Kanye’s reputation for being a handful, but nobody had heard of a request for a carpet to be ironed before.”
Nothing Kanye does makes sense (example: bonding himself to the whores of Hell by knocking up a Kartrashian), but making those poor souls iron his carpet, because it was “bumpy” really makes no sense. Heat World obviously got it wrong. Kanye didn’t make them iron his dressing room carpet. He made them iron HIS carpet. Kanye cannot perform unless his crotch bush is flat ironed and smoothed out with smoothing cream. That’s the real story. I swear, what fucking happened to journalism?
Katherine (insert the sound of coughing up phlegm here) used to be one of the highest-paid actresses in Hollywood and she was making $12 million a movie after Knocked Up, but then her not-so-inner asshole came out and she brought the bitchery on the people who helped fill her checking account with mountains of money. Heigl the Terrible said that Knocked Up was “sexist” and that same year she said that she wouldn’t submit herself for an Emmy nomination because the Grey’s Anatomy writers didn’t give her any good material to work with. Because she’s a certified bitch and openly talked shit about the people she worked with, not many in Hollywood wanted to work with her ass again. But after shitting out a few movie flops, Katherine Heigl is going back to TV and trying to save her career before the only thing she’s offered is a cameo role in Sharknado 5. (Actually, that would never happen, because that would be considered abuse against CGI sharks.)
The Hollywood Reporter did a story about Heigl’s “comeback” and talked to a few people who worked with her in the past. Some said good things about her and others said that they’d rather stick their genitals in a lion’s mouth than work with her again. The director of Heigl’s movie Life As We Know It said that he’d work with her again, but somebody else who worked on that movie said something totally different. They said that Heigl was difficult from beginning to end and moaned out of her whine hole about everything.
“She can cost you time every single day of shooting. Wardrobe issues, not getting out of the trailer, questioning the script every single day. Even getting her deal closed at Warners was hard. She hit that point of ‘no.’ “
That same source also had a few words to say about Heigl’s momager Nancy:
“I have never experienced anything like Nancy Heigl. It’s about the mouth. ‘Fuck you. You are a fucking liar.’ … Whatever you’d say, you were an idiot. The call would be, ‘This is the worst craft service we’ve ever had! There’s nothing to eat! This is the worst wardrobe!’ You knew that every day, you were going to get slammed. The frustrating part is [Heigl] is incredibly talented and smart.”
Somebody else who worked on 27 Dresses with Heigl said that she was fine during filming, but became a rusty nail in everyone’s piss hole when they went overseas to promote the movie:
“There were movie-star demands — big rooms, the mother there, all the stuff. ‘We need the presidential suite at The Bristol!’ It was just a sense of entitlement. The biggest stars don’t do that kind of thing.”
Heigl refused to talk to THR, but a source close to her (aka Nancy after taking a Valium) said that she knows she has to prove that she’s not a throbbing cunt sore anymore. But a TV executive isn’t buying it. They told THR that Heigl was considered for a lead role in a pilot and she was perfect for it, but they passed, because she’s “not worth it.”
Heigl and her mom are currently working on her “comeback” show for NBC. Heigl plays the CIA’s chief liaison to the president and it’s been described as “Scandal meets The West Wing.”
You know, why doesn’t everybody just leave Katherine Heigl alone?! Who cares if she wipes her ass with a script she doesn’t like and throws it at the writer’s face? Who cares if she rips up a costume if she hates it? Who cares if she freaks out if she doesn’t stay in the presidential suite at The Bristol when she should be grateful if they gave her a room by the elevator at a Holiday Inn? Who cares if her mom curses out the craft service people if they don’t put medium rare panda meat on the table? Who cares if her bloated ego is messing with her money? Being Katherine Heigl is hard! It’s hard getting paid millions of dollars to play the same neurotic character in everything she does!
But whatever, Heigl doesn’t need Hollywood. She has ZzzQuil now:
Bitch gets paid to sleep, so eat that, Hollywood.
Mel Gibson gave Jewish people everywhere an early Rosh Hashanah gift last weekend when he had an altercation with the police in Malibu, CA and didn’t blame the Jews for all the problems in the world including his problems with the police in Malibu. It’s a Rosh Hashanah miracle!
TMZ says that last Saturday, the angry butt raisin drove up to a DUI checkpoint on Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu. After Mad Mel told the cops that he hadn’t swallowed one drop of the sweet nectar that night, they asked to see his drivers license. Mad Mel didn’t have his drivers license on him and so the cops told him to drive to a secondary screening spot. (Stupid side note: One time I got pulled over and I didn’t have my license, because I left my wallet at my friend’s house. The cop let me go and now I know it’s because I didn’t have Mel Gibson’s face on and wasn’t glaring at the cop as though I wanted to bury him in the fucking rose garden.)
Once Mel got to the secondary screening point, that was his throbbing anus’ cue to explode and spew out a frenzied geyser of rage. Mel, being Mel, went off on the cops and screamed, “WHY ARE YOU HARASSING ME? I HAVE HAD PROBLEMS WITH YOU LOST HILLS DEPUTIES IN THE PAST!” The “problem” Mad Mel was talking about was the time that he was busted for a DUI by Malibu police and shat out his infamous anti-Jew rant.
If I was one of those cops, I would’ve kept screwing with Mel until he raged so hard that the veins in his face exploded after not being able to hold in all the boiling douche water. But they decided to stop messing with him and let him go. TMZ says that there was a lady in the car with Mel, so I’m guessing that the cops decided to be nice and give him a break since he probably thought that he was going to get a pre-Jacuzzi blowjob from his lady friend that night when he totally wasn’t going to get a pre-Jacuzzi blowjob that night. Poor Mad Mel is always chasing the elusive pre-Jacuzzi blowjob and he’s never going to catch it.
Here’s Grandpa Glum Cunt making the clouds turn black in Malibu on Labor Day.
I say “former,” because the Crazy Rhubarb Lady is currently America’s Sweetheart, obviously.
Julia Roberts half-sister, Nancy Motes, tells The New York Daily News that part of her decision to have gastric bypass surgery 3 years ago had a lot to do with her sister making fun of her fatness for most of her life. Nancy and Julia both could knock corn out of a cob just by flaring their ten tons of TEEFS at it, but their physical similarities pretty much end there. Nancy says that Julia was always tall and skinny and she was always the opposite of that. Just like a lot of abuelitas and bitchy skinny siblings, Julia always let Nancy know she was chunkilicious and needed to replace the “eat” and “love” in Eat, Pray, Love with “diet” and “exercise.”
“When I was in high school and she was an adult, she would just let me know that I was definitely overweight. She would make it quite clear to me and in a not-so-nice a manner. It just makes me feel incredibly hurt and very sad.”
Nancy, who is 8 years younger than Julia, says that after high school she moved to Los Angeles to become an actress like her half-sister and her other siblings Eric Roberts and Lisa Roberts. But Julia told her that she was too overweight to be an actress. Nancy took her ass back to Georgia and moved into her mom’s basement. Nancy later moved back to L.A. and Julia helped her get a job as a production assistant on Glee. Nancy says that she got the sads in a major way while in L.A. and her weight hit 289 pounds. Around that time, Julia made a joke about her weight and Nancy told her to fuck off.
Nancy got gastric bypass three years ago and now she weighs 155 pounds. Nancy hopes that her relationship with Julia will be a little bit better now that she’s skinnier. (In other words, Nancy hopes that they can have a better relationship now that Julia can’t call her a fat ho anymore.)
“I think we’re both trying to change our opinions of each other. It’s a work in progress. It’s not going to be fixed overnight, nor do I think it’s going to be fixed at this point by me just getting skinny. My family, we love each other absolutely. I love Julia absolutely, and I have no doubt she loves me.”
And I have no doubt that Julia is going to have Nancy blacklisted from Hollywood FOREVER for spilling the not-at-all-secret fact that she’s an asshole. But what I’ve really learned from this is that America’s Sweethearts was a biopic and Julia played Nancy and Catherine Zeta-Jones played Julia. America’s Sweethearts IS real life.
In about six months, somebody other than Ryan Seacrest will call Simon Cowell “daddy.” That’s what UsWeekly and The Daily Mail say, anyway. UsWeekly’s source says that somebody let Simon Cowell’s bitchy jizz fishes swim up into her ovaries and that somebody is the wife of his (former?) best friend, real estate mogul Andrew Silverman. ESCANDALO! Paula Abdul just fell the fuck out of her bed. Although, Paula falling out of her bed is totally unrelated to Simon making a baby, because that’s how she gets out of bed every morning.
Lauren Silverman, the New York socialite type who’s carrying the spawn of Cowell, is still married to Andrew Silverman, but their marriage has been circling the toilet hole for a while and they’ve been in the process of legally quitting each other for good. As 36-year-old Lauren’s marriage was slowly dying, 52-year-old Simon gave her a caring dick to cry on, sit on, etc… etc.. UsWeekly’s source says that the fetus in Lauren’s womb is about 10 weeks old and she’s planning to leave Andrew for good to be with Simon. The Daily Mail’s source says that Lauren and Simon have been bumping tits for about a year and she wants to marry his ass:
“Lauren loves Simon, she says that she wants to marry him. And with the baby, she’s going the right way about it! But I think this could be really good for Simon.”
Simon broke off his engagement to that Mezhgan Hussainy woman over a year ago.
But Simon making an actual human baby? George Clooney is going to get a reverse vastectomy before getting another vastectomy to make sure that not one drop of his baby making milk makes it into his semen. What a mess. I’m sure Simon was just being a true friend to Andrew when he humped his wife. Simon only barebacked boned Lauren so he could critique her sex skills and it was obviously a yes from him.
And before Simon Jr. comes into the world, Simon should really shave the fur off of his luscious bear claw chichis, because his baby could choke on a wad of hair while breastfeeding. That’s a safety hazard.
Here’s Simon and Lauren in London together last March.