Category: It’s Not Easy Being A Cunt

50 Cent Challenges Floyd Mayweather To Read “Cat In The Hat” On Jimmy Kimmel Live!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

There was a time when 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather Jr were best brofriends forever, but their bromance ended after a business deal between the two went bad two years ago. Since then, 50 Cent has made it one of his life goals to troll the shit out of Floyd and he continued to troll him hard on Instagram yesterday. While celeb whores keep challenging each other to that Ice Bucket Challenge, Ten Dimes challenged his ex-BFF to something else. A bunch of ice falling on Floyd isn’t a challenge at all, because he’s been hit in the skull so many times that he’s lost all feeling in his head and face. So 50 dared Floyd to complete a really challenging challenge. 50 dared Floyd to read.

Apparently, the noted lady beater has the reading skills of Kendull Jenner and this Christmas he’ll probably find a copy of Hooked on Phonics in his stocking. Floyd reads about as good as 50 Cent throws. On Instagram yesterday, 50 challenged Floyd to read one page from a Harry Potter book. If Floyd can do it without stopping and starting again, 50 promised to donate $750,000 to any charity of his choice. 50 later changed up the challenge when he realized that maybe Harry Potter is a little too advanced for Floyd. 50 is allowing Floyd to read “Cat In The Hat” and Jimmy Kimmel agreed to host the “ALS/ESL challenge” on his show. Oh, 50, that glorious piece of shit asshole.

After 50 Cent challenged Floyd to read, Power 105′s The Breakfast Club played a clip of Floyd struggling to read a handful of words. That’s some Jordan Catalano shit.

Floyd hasn’t publicly responded to 50 Cent yet, but there’s a rumor on Tumblr and Twitter that he tweeted (and deleted) this:

floydmayweather50cent

Floyd can’t read a book, but he can read a bitch.

Gene Simmons Apologizes For Telling Depressed People To Kill Themselves

August 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Why? Why? Why did I have to find out on the Lord’s Day that when Gene Simmons frowns, his cheeks look like saggy grandma tits? I could’ve handled it if I found out on a Monday. And now I’m depressed.

Back in July, notorious butt dingle Gene Simmons told SongFacts.com that he really has no sympathy for depressed people and drug addicts. The interview went unnoticed when it first came out, but after Robin Williams’ suicide, it made its way around the Internet. Gene was asked if he gets along with the original members of Kiss and he said that he doesn’t, because he doesn’t get along with drug addicts and anyone who “has a dark cloud over their head and sees themselves as a victim.”

Gene said that if you want to know real pain and suffering, talk to his mother, because she was in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. So unless the Nazis are beating you while holding you against your will in a concentration camp, you have no right to see the world as a shitty place. Oh Gene, the world was a shitty place then, it can be a shitty place now and it’s an even shittier place when you open up your crusty diarrhea slit of a mouth and speak words.

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Jean Kasem Is Trying To Take Casey’s Body To Norway

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

That photo was obviously a silent cry for help. At first, it looks like Casey Kasem’s glazed in the eyes, because that Amazonian she-hulk is squeezing him so tight that he’s losing consciousness. But now that I look at it, it’s obvious that the look in his eye says, “Save me from this crazy bitch who will one day drag my dead body all over the world.”

When we last left the bitch tower of craziness that is Jean Kasem, she was out of the country and Casey’s family was trying to track her down because his body was missing. At the time, Jean Kasem was believed to be in Israel, because she’s a humanitarian and figured that if she went to the Middle East, the Israelis and the Palestinians would stop fighting each other and join forces to get her out. Well, Jean Kasem has turned up and so has Casey’s body. Casey’s body has been in Montreal for weeks, but now Jean’s trying to move it to Oslo, Norway, because she’s insane or because she’s really trying to rack up those frequent flier miles.

Jean pulled Casey’s body out a funeral home after his death in June and flew him all the way to Canada. Santa Monica PD is investigating Jean for elder abuse and they ordered an autopsy on the body, but that hasn’t been done yet, because his body is nowhere near L.A. TMZ says that Jean is planning on taking Casey’s body to Oslo and his kids are trying to stop that from happening. If Jean gets Casey’s body to Europe, an autopsy might never be done and the Santa Monica PD might have to drop their case against her due to insufficient evidence.

I’m sure they test for antifreeze poisoning in Canada, so can’t they just do the autopsy there? Better yet, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo and the gang need to stop playing around and drive the Mystery Machine to Canada to get Shaggy’s body. While they’re there, they should leave a trail of bologna slices and exquisite 90s headbands from Jean’s lair to their van so they can trap her ass.

This Weekend at Casey’s foolery needs to end. But then again, I wouldn’t be too mad if the Today show got rid of that shitty “Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?” segment and replaced it with “Where In The World Is Casey Kasem’s Body?

That Evil Sister, Sister-Hating Witch Charlize Theron Is Trying To Get Tia Mowry Banned From SoulCycle

August 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Two weeks ago, we all learned a new disturbing fact about Charlize Theron: Bitch hates Sister, Sister!

One of the stars of Sister, Sister, Tia Mowry, bravely told esteemed American journal InTouch Weekly about the time that Charlize Theron treated her like piss jelly clinging to an expired urinal cake at SoulCycle. Tia said that she’s always been a huge fan of Charlize Theron and when she saw her at a spin class, she went up to her to say “hi.” Tia claims that Charlize rolled her eyes and said, “Oh God.” I’ve heard stories about Charlize Theron being a potent bitch wrapped in blonde hair, but I never wanted to believe it. But I guess there’s truth to it and sucking the rage juice out of Sean Penn’s dick has really brought the asshole out of her.

At the L.A. premiere of TMNT over the weekend, Tia told E! News that the whole story was blown out of proportion (translation: “Don’t sic your rabid dog on me, Charlize!“). Tia is over it and is done milking it for publicity, but apparently Charlize isn’t over it and is trying to get Tia kicked out of SoulCycle forever! To me, getting kicked out of SoulCycle is like getting kicked out of Hell. It’s a blessing. Someone saying, “You’ve been blacklisted from SoulCycle,” to me is like saying, “I care for you and care for the well-being of your legs and soul.” But to those rich Hollywood whores, SoulCycle is their life! They live and die by the cycle. Overpaying to ride a bike that doesn’t move gives them life.  Getting banned from SoulCycle affects them the same way getting banned from an In-N-Out would affect me. Crazy-brained fucks.

So Tia getting banned from SoulCycle would be devastating to her and Charlize knows this. In a one hundred percent real story from Dish Nation (via ONTD), an “insider” at SoulCycle says that Charlize demanded that Tia be banned and when the managers refused, she threatened to take it to the top.

“Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen,” said an insider at SoulCycle.

“This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?” Theron said, according to employee.

Management said it would handle the situation, but a decision has yet to be made.

A NOBODY?! A NOBODY?! Let’s find out who the “nobody” is between Tia Mowry and Charlize Theron:

Charlize Theron has won an Oscar and has been nominated twice.

Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.

Charlize Theron’s movies have grossed hundreds of millions of dollars worldwide.

Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.

Charlize Theron bought herself a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and has been on a thousand “Most Sexiest” lists.

Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.

Charlize Theron makes millions of dollars from endorsement deals.

Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.

Um, you don’t need to pull out a pad of paper and a tiny pencil to calculate the score. It’s obvious that Tia Mowry won this. Tia Mowry owns the throne Theron. Charlize, please have a seat in the back row of the highest balcony.

And when asked for a response, the management at SoulCycle said, “Charlie who? Oh, you mean that Sister, Sister-hating nobody who is now taking spin classes at the 24 Hour Fitness in Panorama City?”

Here’s Tia “Bigger Than Charlize” Mowry at the TMNT premiere.

Pics: Wenn.com

Donald Trump Is Really Mad About The American Ebola Patients Coming To The U.S.

August 2, 2014 / Posted by:

If your Facebook feed looks at all like my Facebook feed, then it’s probably covered with hysterical and ultra paranoid whores screaming about how the end is near, Michael Crichton is a future teller and soon we’ll all be Goopy Paltrow in Contagion, because one American Ebola patient is in the U.S. and another one is coming. One of my Facebook friends who thinks we shouldn’t let them into the country liked the Two And A Half Men Facebook page. Bitch, you’re a fan of one of the most destructive visual viral diseases America has ever seen. You have zero room to talk.

One of the flaming pitchfork holders screaming for the U.S. to close our doors to the Ebola patients is mutated hairy orangutan ass wart Donald Trump. This morning, American humanitarian, Dr. Kent Brantly, arrived in Atlanta from Liberia in a specially outfitted private plane. He will be treated in a containment unit at Emory University. The other Ebola patient, American aid worker Nancy Writebol, is coming next week.  Donald Trump is not happy about it and thinks we should leave Dr. Kent and Nancy over in Africa, because it’s their fault they have Ebola and America has bigger problems:

If you asked a group of Americans to scream out something that’s worse than Ebola, most of them would probably blurt out, “DONALD TRUMP!” And yet for some reason, Donald Trump is allowed in this country.

But what do I know? Donald Trump obviously knows more than all of us when it comes to this subject, because he’s this country’s foremost expert on contagious diseases. I mean, he has contained the diseased animal on his head for centuries.

And if you need a palate cleanser after looking at Trump’s face, here’s Joe ManJello walking:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Justin Bieber Slaps At Orlando Bloom….On Instagram

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?

The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.

And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.

Pics: Wenn.com

Charlize Theron Was Mean To Tia Mowry At A Spin Class

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I’ve always had a like for Charlize Theron, because she auditioned for Showgirls, wrestled Teri Snatcher in 2 Days in the Valley and plays down river trash like no other. But my like for her began to die when she started regularly wrapping her lips around Sean Penn’s dick and when blind items suggested that she’s always been a raging asshole. And now, she’s really, really, REALLY gone and done it. Charlize was mean to one of the Sister, Sister sisters at the overpriced torture chamber known as EatYourSoul Cycle. Somewhere in the deep, smelly bowels of Hell, one of Satan’s minions is making up a cell for Charlize Theron, because that’s where you go when you’re cunty to one of the stars of ABC’s TGIF! Bitch is lucky she wasn’t mean to Kimmy Gibbler.

In an exclusive interview that I’m sure will be picked up and thoroughly analyzed by CNN, the BBC and Al-Jazeera, Tia Mowry tells InTouch that she’s a fan of Charlize’s work, so when she saw Sean Penn’s #2 homegirl (after the late Hugo Chavez, of course) at a spin class, she decided to say hi. Either Tia Mowry is Charlize’s least favorite Mowry sister or she’s an uneducated twat who doesn’t know a true star from the 90s when she sees one, because she did what most of us do when we see Sean Penn’s face: she rolled her eyes. Tia told this harrowing tale of her bitchy moment with Charlize:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’ I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I’m just being honest.”

Tia Mowry missed a really good opportunity to say, “GO HOME, ROGER!”

This was obviously a major misunderstanding, because I don’t know how anybody could be bitchy toward a Mowry sister.  Here’s what really happened: Charlize wasn’t rolling her eyes, her eyes were spazzing out, because she couldn’t believe that she was staring at the one and only Tia Mowry! And Tia Mowry left before Charlize could finish her sentence. Charlize was about to say, “Oh my God…..I can’t believe I’m meeting the star of my favorite movie Twitches!” Tia was actually the one being rude to Charlize. Oh, Tia, why did you have to be so mean to your #1 fan?

Jason Segel And Cameron Diaz Were Bitchy To Their Fans

July 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz’s new movie Sex Tape has 33% on Rotten Tomatoes and critics said in so many words that watching Verne Troyer’s sex tape during the day while sober is a less painful and more exciting experience. So Jason and Cameron should probably be out there selling the shit out of their turkey turd of a movie by smiling, hugging, signing stuff and giving out quick handies and rim jobs. But Radar says that at a screening in NYC on Monday night (pictures below), Jason and Cameron treated their fans like pieces of trash and ran out of there without signing autographs. I was going to say that maybe Jason and Cameron are embarrassed by their crap movie and wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, but she showed her face publicly after making What Happens In Vegas and he showed his face after making Gulliver’s Travels, so shame is not something they know.

Radar’s “eyewitness” says that before the screening at the Regal Union Square Theater, a handful of fans asked Jason and Cameron for pictures and autographs. Cameron and Jason treated their fans the same way Kate Gosselin treats her kids. Cameron and Jason told their fans to get the hell away and leave them alone.

“It’s not like the fans were following them at a hotel or restaurant, it was a film premiere with fans. Both of their attitudes were disgusting. When a 20-something fan asked Jason for a photo as he left the premiere he said, ‘No’ and literally slammed the car door right in the fan’s face. People gasped, that’s how bad it was.

And when Cameron was spotted, she also refused the fans telling them, ‘If I did it for you I’d have have to do it for everyone’ before storming off. “Cameron was as unfriendly as can be and it was really disappointing. And Jason was downright nasty to his fans. There were literally only four of five fans waiting and asking for them when they left. It was not a huge crowd and would have taken less time for them to sign an autograph or take a picture rather than giving a lecture about not doing it.”

People gasped? Jason slapped a car door in a fan’s face? They should’ve filmed that and released it instead of Sex Tape, because that scene sounds more thrilling and hilarious than any scene in their movie. I’d pay a slice of my weekly weed money to see Jason Segel dramatically scream, “STOP SWARMING ME! LET ME BREATHE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LARGAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in front of two people who are looking at him like, “What?

If anybody at that screening deserved to be yelled at it’s Cameron Diaz for thinking it’s okay to dress like the Too Close For Comfort wall:

toocloseforcomfortwall

And the Too Close For Comfort wall wore it better, bitch. Like I even had to say that.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

“Man V. Food” Host Adam Richman Got Fired For Acting Like An Asshole On Instagram

July 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Adam Richman, who sort of looks like a butch Betty Rubble (or a femmed-up Rosie O’Donnell), was once a shameless food whore who hosted a bunch of TV shows about violently cramming as much meat into his mouth hole as possible. He was basically the Kim Kardashian of the food world. Mouth-fucking every food-pile he could get his hands on eventually caught up with him, and he started to look like something that fell from Jabba the Hutt’s greasy asshole. So he started trading smoked pork milkshakes for green smoothies and he lost 70 pounds (or two of Guy Fieri’s Cheesecake Challenges).

To celebrate his weight loss, he posted a picture of his skinny self to Instagram with the hashtag #thinspiration. Several women tried to inform Adam that #thinspiration is a tag most commonly used in a not-right pro-ana way to describe thigh gaps and bikini bridges, and I guess cutting greasy piles of cheese out of your diet decreases the amount of oxygen delivered to your brain, because the host of Man V. Food turned Instagram into an episode of Angry Prick V. Ladies.

He responded by informing them that he didn’t give a fuck, called one a “fool” and a “cunt”, telling another to “grab a razor blade and draw a bath”, and another that her father fucked up by choosing “to go without a condom”, then instructing her to “eat a bag of shit”. Adam’s boss, The Travel Channel, only likes it when Adam eats shit, so they pulled his newest show Man Finds Food and replaced it with stock footage of a raccoon digging through the trash for scraps. The Washington Post says that Adam responded to The Travel Channel by hissing out an apology to GMA this morning that said:

“I’ve long struggled with my body image and have worked very hard to achieve a healthy weight. I’m incredibly sorry to everyone I’ve hurt.”

It doesn’t matter if your brain has turned into a dehydrated raisin from eating nothing but dried kale farts and water-flavoured water, a cunt is a cunt, and Adam is a hickory-smoked slow-cooked fall-off-the-bone BBQ cunt. Maybe if he’d eaten those delicious-looking donuts he wouldn’t be such an angry asshole. Donuts solve everything. Yes, you might get a raging case of Type 2, but it’s impossible to be a hateful bag of dicks when a giant clump of deep-fried sugar is giving your heart a never-ending hug.

Katherine Heigl Took A Break From Her Career Because She Didn’t Feel Creatively Challenged Anymore

July 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above with her face Photoshopped into “Harpo, who dis woman…or slightly effeminate young Dutch boy?” territory, Katherine Heigl is keeping the meaning of “delusional as fuck” alive in August’s issue of Marie Claire UK (via The Daily Mail). The crusted-over phlegm ball that Hollywood coughed up a while ago doesn’t think her career plunged into the sewer, because working with her is like trying to have butt sex with a flaccid peen that refuses to get hard. It’s frustrating, it’s annoying, it’s sometimes painful and it’s really not worth all the trouble. But in Katherine’s head, where delusion eats all truths, she thinks that she’s the one who pressed the pause button on her career and she decided to take time off, because she didn’t feel creatively challenged anymore. “Creatively challenged” is a really creative way of saying “Hollywood would rather tongue kiss a shark than work with my monster of a mother and me.” The only challenge Heigl has is not trying to be a complete and utter mega bitch.

The discount Goopy dribbled out some dumb shit about how her career was her “best friend” and she felt betrayed by it when it went out the exit door.

“The thing that was my best friend for a long time suddenly turned on me. And I didn’t expect it. I was taken by surprise and angry at it for betraying me.”a

Eh, no, I’m pretty sure I’m the one that betrayed you” said Heigl’s sore-covered, throbbing, oozing ego.

After the entire cast and crew of Grey’s Anatomy popped champagne and joyously fapped together over the bitch of the set being gone, she did rom-com after rom-com and tells Marie Claire that maybe she should’ve said “no” more.

“I had an amazing time. I love romantic comedies. But maybe I hit it a little too hard. I couldn’t say no. I stopped challenging myself. It became a bit by rote and, as a creative person, that can wear you down. That was part of why I took that time off, to ask myself, ‘What do I want? What am I looking for?’ and shut down all the noise.’

Oh yeah, I had a moment where, I don’t know, I was thinking I’d maybe open a knitting store, get my money out of retirement accounts and live off that, live off the land. I had my moment where it all seemed so complicated and all I wanted to do was simplify.’”

Heigl is back now with that Scandal knock-off show for NBC and she says that she’s so happy to get back into the writer’s room, because she’s not only a creative genius, she’s also a TV writing genius.

“There’s a part of me that’s a Hollywood animal as well. I can’t wait to get into the writer’s room and see how we do this. I feel like I’m finally rolling into the next phase of my adulthood.”

I wish the next phase of her adulthood was at the bottom of a volcano” said the writers who have to deal with her when she comes into the writer’s room to share her ~ideas~.

No, we should all be glad that Katherine Heigl is done with those stupid rom-coms she made millions doing and is finally doing projects that challenge her, like the artistically challenging ZzzQuil commercial she did (yes, I’m posting this again):

That comment was not served in a sarcasm gel cap, because that ZzzQuil commercial is one of the most artistic things she’s ever done and it’s also the most challenging. I mean, words don’t come out of her asshole mouth for a whole 16 seconds. That has to be a first.

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