Category: It’s Not Easy Being A Cunt

Hearing About Martin Lawrence Apparently Made Gwyneth Paltrow Have A Chain-Smoking Meltdown

November 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Sounds like the come-to-life corn broom isn’t exactly…brushing off…news about her ex (insert Horatio Caine sunglasses gif). According to In Touch, Gwyneth Paltrow got all kinds of ragey recently when she heard that her sneaky sabotage hadn’t worked and Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were still humping on each other. It all started on Halloween, when Goopy was on her way to a photo shoot. Apparently she had heard that JLaw was at The House of Scarves (aka Chris’ home in Malibu) a few days earlier, and it was pissing her off more than the time her assistant accidentally pressed her kale in the $3,739 silver juicer instead of the $4,739 gold juicer.

A source claims that’s when Goopy broke her one-ciggy-a-month rule and started chain smoking right there in the car, followed by asking the driver to pull over so she could get a drink. The source goes on to say:

“She was a mess. She never smokes or drinks like that, so everyone knew something was up.”

The source also says she was “frantically” texting Chris Martin the whole time. I call bullshit on that one – Gwyneth would NEVER do something as unsophisticated and common as texting. Fingers were meant for dipping into $2,031 jars of imported hand-gathered beluga caviar, not tapping poo emojis into a phone. Ew, what’s next? SKYPE?!?!

Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner. And unless she wants to end up on A&E’s Snobby Unsalted Cracker Intervention, she needs to find a way to avoid anything that reminds her of JLaw! From now on, no burping, no farting, and for goop sakes, change the name of the outdoor pizza oven at Castle Goopskull to the al fresco flatbread hearth! No more pizza! Pizza is a trigger!

Katherine Heigl Doesn’t Think That Katherine Heigl Is A Rude Unpleasant Asshole

November 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Unless you live in a pineapple under the sea, you know that Katherine Heigl is a come-to-life canker sore whose name has become synonymous with next-level difficult beyotches. Hell, her reputation as an unpleasant hag is so well-known, that “Heigl” has practically become shorthand for “asshole” (thanks, Shonda Rimes!). And yet, poor Katherine Heigl has no idea how she became known as the shade-throwing cunt-dipped nightmare of Hollywood. Wow Such sad. Very unfairness.

During a Q&A on Facebook (via Us Weekly), one of Katherine’s fans – who appears to have a good wifi connection in their pineapple – asked the question: “I’ve heard rumors that your very rude. What’s your thoughts?“. Katherine responded by whipping her laptop at her assistant’s face and screaming “I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SCREEN THE QUESTIONS FIRST!!!” No! She responded by saying:

“Yeah I’ve heard those too…honestly I don’t think I am…nothing makes me more uncomfortable than confrontation or hurting someones feelings and I would never, ever actively do so on purpose. Of course just like any human being I’ve made mistakes and unwittingly or carelessly spoken or acted but I always try to make any wrong right. That doesn’t mean I won’t stand up for myself by drawing boundaries and asking to be treated kindly and respectfully but I don’t do that with any rude or unkind intentions just with the same strength and honesty I think every one of us is entitled to.”

Then she whipped her laptop at her assistant.

This isn’t the first time Heigl has addressed those rumors that she’s as pleasant as an infected hemorrhoid, and it won’t be the last, as long as there are Shonda Rimes types out there spilling the tea. And I’m sure Katherine doesn’t always mean to be an insufferable ass cramp on purpose, it’s just that everything she says or does comes across as majorly cunty. Like that answer! I totally pictured a pissed-off Katherine Heigl stabbing the keys of her keyboard as she typed that shit out, then sitting back and hissing: “THERE. Are you HAPPY NOW?!?

I think if she wants to appear less awful, she should steal one of those helper-bots from Lowe’s and re-program it to follow her around all day and alert her every time she does something Heigl-y. Oh dear, did I just feel sorry for a robot?

Gwyneth Paltrow Maybe Sorta Tried To Sabotage Martin Lawrence

October 29, 2014 / Posted by:

If that isn’t the face of a calculating come-to-life corn broom saboteur, then I don’t know what is. Here, let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Screen Shot 2014-10-29 at 11.43.26 AM

Ahhhh! I can practically feel her eyes penetrating my soul and tricking me into buying $2,600 imported sea urchin venom eye cream!

But back to what’s really important here. According to Radar, the 10-week-old love between Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin that recently floated away on a fart cloud might have Gwyneth Paltrow’s hand-pressed organic almond milk stink all over it. Even though Chill Girl Gwynnie claimed to be happy that her ex had moved on and was trying to get all Goopsterhood of the Traveling Size 0 Pants with JLaw, a source claims that behind the closed doors of Castle Goopskull, that crafty corn broom was doing everything in her power to DESTROY THEM. And who did she recruit to help take down Martin Lawrence? The Gooplets!

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Bethenny Frankel’s Mom Says Her Daughter Is A Fake-Ass Man-Hungry Snob

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Then Batman added: “And that wig isn’t fooling anyone. We all know it’s you, Joker.

Apropos of nothing, Bethenny Frankel’s estranged mother Bernadette Birk (who’s name sounds like the cunning social-climbing stepmother in a V.C. Andrews novel) recently spoke to Radar about her daughter, and in case you were wondering whether or not they still hate each others guts, I’ll let Bernadette’s cuntified verbal air-kisses to her daughter answer that for you. Bernadette, who hasn’t seen Bethenny in over a decade, hissed that Bethenny’s talk show was “terrible” and she stopped watching after a week because she was “bored”. She then says all the shit Bethenny talked about her in her 2011 autobiography/self-help book Place of Yes were LIES, and that Bethenny is the awful bitch, not her. Bernadette claims Bethenny used to be cool, but then she turned 16 and became a snobby snob and an arrogant bitch.

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Shonda Rhimes Tells Us How She Really Feels About Katherine Heigl

October 9, 2014 / Posted by:

When Katherine Heigl, the cauterized scab stuck to humanity’s tonsils, publicly shit on the Grey’s Anatomy writing team by saying that she wasn’t going to submit herself for an Emmy nomination due to the writing of her character being pure crap, the show’s creator Shonda Rhimes held back a little and didn’t go all the way in. But now that Shonda is one of the most powerful people in television, she is no longer keeping her tongue from hurling out solid disses at Heeeeeeeeeigl.

In 2012, Shonda told Oprah that Katherine’s comments to the press stung her, but she wasn’t surprised (read: bitches be bitching). In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Shonda doesn’t hold back at all and lets a trick know that the bridge wasn’t just burned. The bridge was blown to pieces and there’s not a ladder long enough to connect their sides again. Not even Shelley Long’s Outrageous Fortune character can leap across.

Shonda probably isn’t going to direct anal porn anytime soon, because she doesn’t want to work with gaping assholes.

Although her perfectionist tendencies coupled with Scandal’s breakneck story pace can wreak havoc on deadlines — “We’re always behind,” she admits — the operation runs smoothly and the cast is tight-knit. “There are no Heigls in this situation,” she says, choosing her words carefully. She adds later of her “no assholes” policy: “I don’t put up with bullshit or nasty people. I don’t have time for it.”

Shonda has a “no asshole” policy yet she brought Isaiah Washington back to Grey’s Anatomy. Okay….

I never got into Grey’s Anatomy and I don’t watch Scandal even though every time I talk to my mom, she says, “You don’t watch Scandal. We have nothing to talk about.” I did watch the first episode of How I Met Your Murderer, because the preview of Viola Davis dramatically saying in a Maya Angelou-like tone, “HOW TO. GET AWAY WITH. MUUUUUUUUUURRRDER,” sold me. Anyway, I haven’t really gotten into Shonda’s shows, but I am totally getting into her calling Katherine Heigl out by name. She’s saying, “I’m not scared of calling you out by name, because I AM SHONDA RHIMES!

The rest of THR’s article goes on to talk about how earlier this year, Shonda held meetings with other networks and ABC got scared of losing their golden child so they gave her a bunch of money in exchange for a four-year deal. So since Shonda currently owns ABC on Thursday nights, I guess the only way Heigl will ever be on ABC on a Thursday night is if her ZzzQuil commercial airs right before the 11 o’clock news.

Ariana Grande Latte’s Life Coach Quit Her Toddler Diva Ass

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s no secret that Ariana Grande Latte has a reputation of being an entitled, demanding fan-hating diva bitch Bratz doll in 20lbs of fake hair and a store-bought Lolita act, but now it sounds like even the people who get paid to tolerate the budget Nick Jr. version of Mariah Carey have had enough of her spoiled sexy baby bullshit. According to Page Six, Airhead Grande Hairhead’s life coach quit because he couldn’t handle her shitty attitude anymore. An insider says he was hired to keep her “centered and healthy”, but it was impossible, since she’s exactly as awful as you’d imagine a 21-year-old come-to-life Bratz doll would be:

“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.”

Of course, a source close to Airhead claims that the “life coach” who quit was never actually her life coach, but a choreographer who is just mad he got fired by the wigged one:

“It is nothing but a spiteful former employee that has been telling rumors around town for the last several months.”

If the “life coach” is actually a choreographer who got fired, I wonder what he got canned for? I bet he tried to take a picture of the right side of Ariana’s face. Or maybe he made the mistake of reminding her that she’s an adult woman. “Excuse me?? I’m a VERY sexy baby! YOU’RE FIRED!

But in the event he was actually her life coach, it’s ok that he quit. The only life coach Ariana needs is her manager, Scooter Braun! I mean, look how well Justin Bieber has turned out? He could practically teach an Oprah’s master class on being a spoiled arrogant toddler!

Here’s Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop superstar sister serving up some not-right Toddlers & Tiaras realness at the Power 106 All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday. Do you ever get the feeling that Ariana Grande is just part of a long con being pulled by Chris Hansen to catch predators? I feel like at any moment, he’s going to walk on stage and ask everyone to have a take a seat.

Pics: Splash

Ariana Grande Latte Really Loves And Appreciates Her Fans (And I Mean The Opposite Of That, Of Course)

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

“I just want to squeeze you until you’re dead. Die! Die! I fucking hate you, you fucking bitch fuck! KISSY FACE!” is just one line from the internal monologue playing in Ariana Grande’s head while that was picture was being taken.

The music career of Ariana Grande, the demon that possessed a talking Bratz doll, isn’t even an hour old and the media is already tearing her to shreds for her diva bitch ways. Just in the past few weeks, there’s been stories about how she’s demanding, a complete asshole and will shank a bitch in the throat if they photograph her right side, Even Giuliana Rancic hates her. Well, here’s another story for the pile. This happened over the summer, but since America’s new favorite feel-good sport is hating on Blossom’s feminist of choice, the NYDN brought it out today.

Some source says that while visiting a radio station in Manhattan, Ariana put on a fake smile while signing autographs but as soon as she got into the elevator, she dropped the fakeness and wished death upon them all.

“She did autographs and pics and was all smiles until she got into the elevator,” a stunned industry insider tells us. “And as soon as the doors shut she said, ‘I hope they all fucking die.’ ”

Oh, young, evil Ariana, we’re all going to fucking die someday. It’s the fucking circle of fucking life.

This is kind of hilarious, because it’s funny when toddlers curse! They sound like adult people, almost! But it isn’t not funny when kids wish death upon people. Nope. That shit is scary. Those are the scariest kind of horror movies. I’m laughing now, but I won’t be laughing when stories come out about how Ariana’s lipstick is made of the blood of the small creatures she kills in her backyard for fun. Ariana’s own mom thought she was going to be a serial killer. She warned us! I bet that wicked child wishes hos who cross her into the cornfield. The cornfield might seem like it’s a nice place since Ariana isn’t there, but I doubt she lets her enemies off that easy. Her music probably plays on a loop in the cornfield. So do whatever that devil’s spawn says before you end up in a living, nonstop Problem.

Here’s Ariana the Terrible secretly wishing death upon her fans at Narita Airport in Tokyo today.

Pics: Wenn.com

50 Cent Challenges Floyd Mayweather To Read “Cat In The Hat” On Jimmy Kimmel Live!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

There was a time when 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather Jr were best brofriends forever, but their bromance ended after a business deal between the two went bad two years ago. Since then, 50 Cent has made it one of his life goals to troll the shit out of Floyd and he continued to troll him hard on Instagram yesterday. While celeb whores keep challenging each other to that Ice Bucket Challenge, Ten Dimes challenged his ex-BFF to something else. A bunch of ice falling on Floyd isn’t a challenge at all, because he’s been hit in the skull so many times that he’s lost all feeling in his head and face. So 50 dared Floyd to complete a really challenging challenge. 50 dared Floyd to read.

Apparently, the noted lady beater has the reading skills of Kendull Jenner and this Christmas he’ll probably find a copy of Hooked on Phonics in his stocking. Floyd reads about as good as 50 Cent throws. On Instagram yesterday, 50 challenged Floyd to read one page from a Harry Potter book. If Floyd can do it without stopping and starting again, 50 promised to donate $750,000 to any charity of his choice. 50 later changed up the challenge when he realized that maybe Harry Potter is a little too advanced for Floyd. 50 is allowing Floyd to read “Cat In The Hat” and Jimmy Kimmel agreed to host the “ALS/ESL challenge” on his show. Oh, 50, that glorious piece of shit asshole.

After 50 Cent challenged Floyd to read, Power 105′s The Breakfast Club played a clip of Floyd struggling to read a handful of words. That’s some Jordan Catalano shit.

Floyd hasn’t publicly responded to 50 Cent yet, but there’s a rumor on Tumblr and Twitter that he tweeted (and deleted) this:

floydmayweather50cent

Floyd can’t read a book, but he can read a bitch.

Gene Simmons Apologizes For Telling Depressed People To Kill Themselves

August 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Why? Why? Why did I have to find out on the Lord’s Day that when Gene Simmons frowns, his cheeks look like saggy grandma tits? I could’ve handled it if I found out on a Monday. And now I’m depressed.

Back in July, notorious butt dingle Gene Simmons told SongFacts.com that he really has no sympathy for depressed people and drug addicts. The interview went unnoticed when it first came out, but after Robin Williams’ suicide, it made its way around the Internet. Gene was asked if he gets along with the original members of Kiss and he said that he doesn’t, because he doesn’t get along with drug addicts and anyone who “has a dark cloud over their head and sees themselves as a victim.”

Gene said that if you want to know real pain and suffering, talk to his mother, because she was in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. So unless the Nazis are beating you while holding you against your will in a concentration camp, you have no right to see the world as a shitty place. Oh Gene, the world was a shitty place then, it can be a shitty place now and it’s an even shittier place when you open up your crusty diarrhea slit of a mouth and speak words.

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Jean Kasem Is Trying To Take Casey’s Body To Norway

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

That photo was obviously a silent cry for help. At first, it looks like Casey Kasem’s glazed in the eyes, because that Amazonian she-hulk is squeezing him so tight that he’s losing consciousness. But now that I look at it, it’s obvious that the look in his eye says, “Save me from this crazy bitch who will one day drag my dead body all over the world.”

When we last left the bitch tower of craziness that is Jean Kasem, she was out of the country and Casey’s family was trying to track her down because his body was missing. At the time, Jean Kasem was believed to be in Israel, because she’s a humanitarian and figured that if she went to the Middle East, the Israelis and the Palestinians would stop fighting each other and join forces to get her out. Well, Jean Kasem has turned up and so has Casey’s body. Casey’s body has been in Montreal for weeks, but now Jean’s trying to move it to Oslo, Norway, because she’s insane or because she’s really trying to rack up those frequent flier miles.

Jean pulled Casey’s body out a funeral home after his death in June and flew him all the way to Canada. Santa Monica PD is investigating Jean for elder abuse and they ordered an autopsy on the body, but that hasn’t been done yet, because his body is nowhere near L.A. TMZ says that Jean is planning on taking Casey’s body to Oslo and his kids are trying to stop that from happening. If Jean gets Casey’s body to Europe, an autopsy might never be done and the Santa Monica PD might have to drop their case against her due to insufficient evidence.

I’m sure they test for antifreeze poisoning in Canada, so can’t they just do the autopsy there? Better yet, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo and the gang need to stop playing around and drive the Mystery Machine to Canada to get Shaggy’s body. While they’re there, they should leave a trail of bologna slices and exquisite 90s headbands from Jean’s lair to their van so they can trap her ass.

This Weekend at Casey’s foolery needs to end. But then again, I wouldn’t be too mad if the Today show got rid of that shitty “Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?” segment and replaced it with “Where In The World Is Casey Kasem’s Body?

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