Morrissey posted a written tribute to Prince on his fan site True-To-You, and being the cat lover he is, you’d think that he’d slap at Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness for tearin’ up so many pussies. But Morrissey applauded Prince for not eating animal stuff. Morrissey was also mad that in England, Prince’s death was overshadowed by THE QUEEN’s 90th birthday extravaganza. Morrissey’s Prince tribute isn’t so much a Prince tribute as it is slap down against the British royals. It’s as if Morrissey got on the stage and said, “I am here to pay tribute to the beloved Prince,” before pulling out a replica of THE QUEEN’s crown and then shitting on it. It’s 100% Morrissey, it’s 100% messy and I love it. You really can’t spell Morrissey without M-E-S-S-Y. It’s after the cut.
In case you haven’t heard about the sad and messy tale of the R &B singer Kehlani’s suicide attempt, it all started when her ex-boyfriend, rapper/singer PartyNextDoor (born name: Jahron Anthony Brathwaite), recently posted an Instagram picture of his hand holding her hand while in bed together. Many thought that Kehlani was still with Cleveland Cavaliers player Kyrie Irving, so social media went in on her and labeled her a cheating harlot slut whore tramp trollop hussy with a wandering poon. The hate that social media threw at Kehlani got to her so much that she tried to kill herself. On Monday, Kehlani posted a picture on Instagram of her lying in a hospital bed with an IV in her arm, and she added this caption:
“today I wanted to leave this earth. Being completely selfish for once. Never thought I’d get to such a low point. But… Don’t believe the blogs you read… No one was cheated on and I’m not a bad person… Everyone is hurt and everyone is in a place of misunderstanding… But as of today, I had no single wish to see tomorrow… But God saved me for a reason, and for that… I must be grateful… Cuz I’m not in heaven right now for a reason… On that note.. Bye Instagram”
Before Kehlani hit the delete button on her Instagram and Twitter accounts, she said that she never cheated on Kyrie Irving. She was already broken up with him when she got back together with PartyNextDoor (not to be confused with my rapper name PartyInTheBackdoor). Kehlani thanked PND for saving her life. And that brings us to the piping hot wet turd that appeared in Chris Brown’s thought bubble when he said something about this on Twitter.
Seen above looking like her makeup was done by an airbrush t-shirt artist at the mall, Rita Ora told The Mirror a story that made my head spit up more question marks than yours does whenever you see the name Rita Ora.
Rita says that at the Chime For Change charity event in London in 2013, she met her royal madgesty and the first thing Madge did was tell her to bow down, bitch. Madge apparently travels with her own lighting and didn’t want Rita to block it, so she asked a trick to kneel on the floor. Now, my life rule is that the only time it’s okay to kneel for someone is if that someone has a hard dick and is waving it in front of you, but Rita got on her knees anyway, because a thing called dignity doesn’t run through her veins.
“I was once doing a charity event and I met my idol Madonna. I was waiting for her and I was shivering. And my sister said to me, ‘Are you OK? You look really crazy’. And I was like, ‘I think I am going to be sick’. And Madonna walks in with lighting all around her.
I said, ‘Hi, it is so nice to meet you’ and she was like, ‘This is the lighting here. Can you just kneel down here on the floor?’ I was like OK. So I kneeled down on the floor and we had this conversation where I was on the floor. Can you believe that? But that is Madonna and she can do whatever she wants. That was major. Everything is a learning curve.”
Rita, who was the face of Madge’s clothing line for Macy’s and did a cameo in the Bitch I’m Madonna video, says that they’re totally friends now. To which Madge said, “Who?”
What’s weird about this story is that Madge didn’t do what she normally does when she meets a pop trick: suck that life force out of that youngin’. I’m guessing that Madge knew that she wouldn’t be able to handle all of the star power and talent that Rita possesses. I’m also guessing that Madge told that trick to get on the floor, because she knew that if they stood next to each other, she would become a dehydrated piece of chopped liver next to the charismatic goddess that is Rita Ora!
The pinnacle of memoirs and memoir writing, Katie Price, has a new esteemed colleague in the world of celebrity biographies. Let’s give a warm welcome to Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi. That’s right! Give her a hand! Padma, please tell us about you, your life and the days of it. The New York Daily News got their hands on a copy of Padma’s forthcoming autobiography, Love, Loss and What We Ate.
The bulk of what’s been released has to do with Padma’s messy relationship with author and Taken villain-looking person, Salman Rushdie. She and Salman met in 1999 at a party when she was 28 and he was 51. He was also married at the time. Despite that, he wanted her body bad and chased after her. They eventually went out and she says they ended up sans ropas that first night. Of it, she writes, “At 3am, I woke with a start. I’m naked in a married man’s bed.” I can’t read that without going directly to the part in cinematic masterpiece, Obsessed, where Beyonce shouts “Naked?! In your bed?!”
“You can’t act worth a damn. I only hired you because we couldn’t afford Jessica Chastain. You have cankles. Wait, you’re not crying yet. Okay, while on my way over here, I stopped by your house and kicked your new kitten.” – David O. Russell in that picture, probably.
There’s been story after story about how director David O. Russell is a throbbing dick slit wart and working with him is about as pleasant and easy as using hot sauce as lube to butt bone yourself with a durian fruit. Cases in point: David O had a cuntastic meltdown and went after Lily Tomlin on the set of I Heart Huckabees. He allegedly molested his niece’s chest in a gym. He made a studio executive cry on the set of Joy. And that’s probably just the tip of the dick wad iceberg. Now here’s another story about what a piece of butt corn he is and I’m sure David O doesn’t mind it. Because every time a story about him being a nip pimple comes out, he stops punching a blind orphan puppy to cackle into the night sky over everyone being reminded of his asshole ways.
Elton John is turning 69 years old next month. I’ve always felt that if you’re lucky enough to reach your sexiest year, you should reward yourself by doing the bare minimum required. Elton John could be wheeled onto the stage on a rolling chair like Mimi with a boombox blasting “Crocodile Rock” and I’d say, “He’s earned that, he’s 69.” But that’s apparently not going to happen, because Elton isn’t interested in saying, “Fuck it,” to effort just yet. And he’s definitely not interested in watching performers who do.
Elton made it known that he does not play with people who fake their vocals when he accused Madonna of lip syncing back in the day. After calling Madonna a “fairground stripper,” the two kissed and made up…for now. I guess he needed a new person to hiss at, because now he’s coming for Janet Jackson. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Elton John took a swipe at Miss Jackson by accusing her performance vocals of being about as real as [insert the Jackson joke of your choice here].
“You know, fucking music magazines writing a review of Janet Jackson saying, ‘This is the greatest show – four and a half stars.’ It’s fucking lip-synced! Hello! That’s not a show! I’d rather go and see a drag queen. Fuck off.”
To be honest, I too would rather spend my pennies on a drag queen version of Janet Jackson. But that’s mostly because I really really want to see Coco Montrese’s perfect paint-by-numbers Janet nose in person.
I know Elton is all about integrity or whatever, but I think he’d probably really like lip syncing. Elton is a showman at heart, and if Britney Spears has taught us anything, it’s that lip syncing allows you to concentrate on the more important aspects of performing. Like armography. And yes, I know armography would technically prevent him from playing the piano, but do you want to put on a show or not, Elton? Speaking of artistry, here’s Elton and his husband David Furnish, who is teaching an expert-level class in how to work the hell out of a cute lil’ neckerchief.
The BRIT Awards were last night, and even an Ask Zandar game with two nearly-dead AA batteries in it could have predicted that Adele would walk away with the most awards. She took home trophies for British Female Solo Artist, Global Success Award, British Album of the Year, and British Single of the Year. They only give out 14 awards at the BRITs, which means Adele basically won almost 30% of them. Dear BRITs: Next time, save time and money by melting all the awards together into a giant ball and carve the word BEST into it.
Naturally I assumed that sort of math would cause We Hate Adele club president Noel Gallagher to spit out his cornflakes in disgust and release an angry statement about it all. But I guess he was busy, because we got an angry statement from his brother Liam Gallagher instead. Shortly after the BRIT Awards aired, Liam jumped onto Twitter and took a dump on the winners.
Where do I fucking start LG x
— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016
Music in the UK has been abducted by massive cunts THE END LG x
— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016
Thank fuck I got out when I got out out LG x
— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016
“You hear that everyone? He called me massive! Looks like I AM a big boy now!” said 2016 BRIT Award International Male Solo Artist winner Justin Bieber.
I don’t remember reading anything in the news about an alien race of “massive cunts” descending upon the UK and abducting the music industry (which I’m totally picturing as looking like the aliens from Spice World). So I don’t know how accurate that statement is. But Liam is right about one thing: the quality of music in the UK isn’t nearly as good as it used to be. Example: S Club 7 – unquestionably the greatest artists to ever come out of the UK – haven’t released an album in over 14 years. That’s tragic! Hang your head in shame, music industry.
Susan Sarandon’s 69-year-old chichis took over the SAGs on Sunday and got a whole lot of attention. Even Kate Winslet was in awe of Susan Sarandon’s magnificent chichis. But not everyone was into Susan’s cleavage. Noted cunt plug Piers Morgan let it be known on Twitter that he thought that Susan’s look at the SAGs was highly inappropriate because she presented the In Memoriam segment and he felt like it was disrespectful to the dead. Um, I’m pretty sure that dead people love titty balls too. Here’s what Piers spilled out yesterday:
Would Susan Sarandon wear this to a funeral? No. It was thus horribly inappropriate for an In Memoriam tribute.
No problem with Ms Sarandon showing off her cleavage. Big problem with her doing it for ‘In Memoriam’ tribute.
No, what’s tacky is deliberately flaunting your breasts on TV for publicity, during a tribute to dead stars.
That started a cleavage war and chicks defending Susan Sarandon have been tweeting pics of their chichis at Piers since yesterday. They’ve been doing the same thing to Susan Sarandon as a way of supporting her (pun intended) and she’s been re-tweeting those pics. Susan also blew an air kiss of love at Piers today by tweeting this:
— Susan Sarandon (@SusanSarandon) February 4, 2016
What’s pretty impressive is that Piers didn’t misspell any words while tweeting with one hand and jacking off to Susan Sarandon’s chichis with the other. That’s what’s really going on here. But you know, I have to agree with Piers. The outfit that Susan Sarandon wore would be highly inappropriate for a funeral. I mean, she wore a white suit. Wearing white to a funeral is tacky! But if she wore nothing but that black bra and black heels to a funeral, then that would be totally appropriate and okay. Hell, I want her to wear that to my funeral.
The Illuminati’s High Plastic Priestess of Darkness has been on a roll this week. This week, thousands of Madonna fans have been dragging their hungover and underslept carcasses into their cubicles after staying up all night at her show. Madge’s shows have been starting hours late and many of her fans say they’re too damn old to be dropping their asses to “Deeper and Deeper” at 1am on a damn work night. Some of them also accused her of adding a whole lot of vodka to the blood of virgins she drinks backstage, because they say she seemed drunk during her show. Madge denied that. Madge played Nashville, TN on Monday night and she kept her fans waiting for 2 hours and I guess not all of them were mad at her for that, because one proposed to her. Madge used that proposal from a fan to call one of her ex-husbands a cunt. Keeping paying whores waiting for hours is wrong, but I guess dropping the cunt word into their ears is one way to make up for it.
The Daily Mirror says that during her show in Nashville, a fan in the front asked her to marry them. The fan either called themselves a cunt or they were wearing a shirt with the word on it. Madge let it be known that she is trolling for a man since the dark orb in her heart needs recharging and she can only do that by sucking the life out of another husband. But she also told the fan that she’s not looking for a cunt because she was already married to one.
Madonna has apparently used the C-word while lashing out at her ex-husband Guy Ritchie on stage.
The Queen of Pop, 57, seemed to launch into the foul-mouthed rant as she responded to a fan’s marriage proposal at her gig in Nashville.
She is alleged to have said: “I’m looking for a husband, not a cunt. I already married a cunt.”
I’m sure calling Guy Ritchie a cunt in front of thousands of people is really, really going to make Rocco come running back to live with her. At first I wished that she was talking about Sean Penn, but I don’t mean that. Calling Sean Penn a cunt is extremely wrong. That’s offensive to cunts. Cunts don’t deserve that.
When I went to the Mayan ruins in Tulum a couple of years ago, I watched a trucker hat-wearing tourist take a selfie using a selfie stick and I thought that was the most disrespectful act the Mayan gods will ever witness. But the Canadian anal fissure topped that yesterday by acting like a spoiled drunk mess at the Mayan ruins. Ellen DeGeneres better clear her schedule and pull out the glycerine, because Justin Bieber is going to go on her show to cry out fake tears while swearing that he’s really sowwy this time.