St. Angie’s Wedding Present To Brad Pitt Was Going To Be A $250,000 Typewriter Once Owned By Ernest Hemingway
Yes, because that’s what Brad Pitt wants for a wedding present – a $250,000 typewriter. Come on, Dame St. Angie, everybody knows that stoners are the easiest people to buy for! I once had a major stoner for a roommate and you know what I gave her for her birthday? A pizza. A pizza, and she fucking lost her shit over it. I know St. Angie is rich as shit, but come on – $250,000 on a typewriter? Not worth it unless it’s stuffed with cheese and smells like pepperoni! That would truly be a beautiful and thoughtful present.
Regardless, Dame St. Angie never bought her formerly-hot husband said expensive typewriter, but TMZ says she came very close. $11,000 close, in fact! TMZ says that earlier this summer, Our Lady of Eternally Skinny Arms, Dame St. Angie, called up Steve Soboroff, President of the Los Angeles Police Commission and vintage typewriter collector. Steve Soboroff apparently has a huge collection of famous people’s typewriters, like Truman Capote and Marilyn Monroe. Basically if a famous person touched a typewriter, he now owns it. Angie was initially interested in buying Tennessee Williams’ typewriter, but he didn’t want to sell it. So she settled on the last typewriter Ernest Hemingway owned before he died.
St. Angie agreed on the price of the typewriter – $250,000 – and sent an angel over to Steve Soboroff’s house with a deposit check for $11,000. However, something happened and Angie decided to cancel the deal. A source claims she never asked for the $11,000 deposit back, but they sent it anyway. And that’s the story of how St. Angie almost blew a quarter of a million dollars on a typewriter that was fingered by a famous dude!
Angie can spend her Maleficent money on whatever she wants, but $250,000 for Hemingway’s typewriter? Angie, you got hoodwinked! There’s only one typewriter that’s worth $250,000, and it’s this one:
When are people going to realize that New Year’s Eve is a fucking headache and nobody has a good time. Have you ever talked to someone on January 2nd and heard them say anything other than “Yeah, it was ok. We had to wait 2 hours for a cab and some drunk asshole barfed on my face”? Exactly. But according to Today, the people who still refuse to believe that there is no more important night to pour yourself into a tight satin tube dress and shell out $100 for a bottle of cheap champale are letting Applebee’s in Time’s Square bend their wallets over and fuck them with a lukewarm jalapeño popper:
Tuesday night, the two Applebee’s franchise locations in Times Square are offering a dinner package for that price, which includes a buffet dinner, open bar, deejay, live entertainment, party favors and a midnight Champagne toast. With a ticket in hand, partygoers can breeze past the security barriers and head to the restaurant at a reasonable 8 p.m., instead of waiting out in the cold.
I’m the last person to shame someone for eating garbage food (I myself kneel at the altar of Cracker Barrel’s hashbrown casserole) but to spend $300 on a microwaved Applebee’s steak should be classified as a felony. But that’s not even the worst part. Just when you think it couldn’t get sadder than a New Year’s Eve at Applebee’s…
Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, one of the few restaurants in the area with panoramic views of the festivities, was offering tickets for $679, but is already sold out. TGI Friday’s in Times Square New Year’s tickets—ranging from $225 to a whopping $1,095 VIP couple’s package—were still available, as were Ruby Tuesday’s, which is offering packages from $295—for open bar and passed appetizers only.
Well, there you have it: further proof that Idiocracy is coming true. I feel like there should be people from Social Services stationed outside Applebee’s and Bubba Gump to remove children from their parents. Look, I don’t care if it’s New Year’s Eve or not – if you’ve spent $375 to eat at Applebee’s, you’ve proven without a doubt that you are not competent enough to make good decisions.
(Pic via Flickr)