Say what you will about Nicole Kidman’s taste in men and wigs (and let’s face it, beards), but I don’t think anybody would claim she’s a bad mom. In an interview with the Australian magazine with the delightfully shady title “Who?” (question mark my addition), Nicole finally discussed her relationship with her two eldest children with Tom Cruise; Connor Cruise (23) and Isabella Cruise (25). It is with much shame and consternation that I report I got touched in the feels (which I thought had all turned into a globule of See’s Peanut Brittle, which if you’ve never tried it, is totally worth exchanging for celebrity empathy) reading about Nicole’s thoughts on her children’s decision to go the way of L. Ron Hubbard.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day was the first to say that Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise’s 22-year-old daughter Isabella Cruise married her non-Scientologist boyfriend Max Parker at a fancy hotel in London on September 18th. The details were about as convoluted as Tommy Girl’s thought process.
Woman’s Day said that Tommy Girl wasn’t at the wedding, but Nicole Kidman was. Radar piped in and also said that Tommy wasn’t there and they added that he had never met his daughter’s new husband. But then a Tommy Girl source (E.T. probably) told TMZ that he wasn’t at the wedding, but it wasn’t a big deal. Isabella wanted to keep the wedding small and so no parents were invited. TMZ’s source also said that Tom paid for the wedding and had met Max Parker before. Well, now Page Six is jumping in with their side. They say that Tommy was at the wedding and Nicole Kidman didn’t even know it was happening.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day is about as reliable as any given Lohan, but I’m going to choose to believe that all of this is made of 100% potent truthiness, because it’s Monday and the right way to start any week is with the image of Tom Cruise screaming himself out of his lifts over his daughter marrying outside of Scientology. And he may not have been invited to the wedding. Seethe, Tommy Girl, seethe.
Woman’s Day said that when 22-year-old Isabella Cruise married British IT consultant Max Parker at The Dorchester Hotel in London on September 18, she kept the ceremony and party very intimate, because she didn’t want the media to find out. Isabella’s mom, Nicole Kidman, was there, but her brother Connor Cruise and her daddy Tommy Girl were not. Isabella Cruise recently graduated from beauty school and her classmates at the Vidal Sassoon Academy were her bridesmaids. Woman’s Day claims that picture next to Nicole Kidman’s Botoxed mug is of Isabella wearing her wedding dress while posing with her bridesmaids who wore jumpsuits that did weird things to their crotches.
Radar’s source says that Max Parker isn’t a Scientologist, but two of his groomsmen were. The source also says that Max hasn’t even met Tommy Girl yet.
Isabella is apparently still a practicing Scientologist. So either Max Parker will have to eventually say goodbye to his sanity and become a Scientologist, or maybe, just maybe, Isabella Cruise is slowly backing away from the Church of Alien Craziness. If Isabella Cruise left Scientology, Tommy Girl wouldn’t be able to walk the halls of the Celebrity Centre with his nose up in the air like he’s Scientology’s Regina George and the queen bitch of that place. I mean, Tommy Girl let Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise get away. So if he let Isabella Cruise get away too, he’d lose major cred and every time he strolled into the Scientology bath house, the boys would throw him shady looks and say, “That bitch can’t even keep a prisoner,” under their breath.
UPDATE: And just as I hit the publish button, TMZ burped up an EXCLUSIVE about Isabella’s wedding. They say that Isabella did get married in London and they confirm that Tommy wasn’t there. But they say that no parents, including Nicole Kidman, were invited, because Isabella and Max wanted to keep their wedding extra small. Only a few friends were there. TMZ claims Tommy isn’t mad and he even paid for the wedding. The source also says that Tommy doesn’t give a shit about Max Parker not being a Scientologist and the two have hung out before. Yeah, okay, Tommy, I mean “TMZ’s source,” whatever you say.