The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
Bradley Cooper and his piece of 2 years Irina Shayk never publicly admitted that a Cooper-Shayk fetus was growing in her womb, but she let that fact be known at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last year. Irina sashayed down the runway while working a slightly covered-up teeny tiny bump that on a skinny lingerie model says, “I’m 5 months knocked up,” but on us regulars says, “I’ve been on the Master Cleanse for 10 days, I just had two enemas in a row and I’m sucking in so hard that I’ve got two broken rib bones now.” That baby is apparently here now and everyone is reporting that the kid was pulled out of Irina’s body two weeks ago. I know, if a celebrity baby is born and a black and white picture of the child’s hand clutching onto one of his parents’ fingers doesn’t show up on Instagram immediately, was the celebrity baby ever born? That is the eternal question.
Irina Shayk walked the runway at Victoria’s Secret annual fashion show last month looking a little bigger in the stomach and wearing ten tons of lingerie-inspired distractions around her mid-section. It didn’t take long for a source to spill the news to E! News that Irina was pregnant with Bradley Cooper’s baby. This might be more than a casual “I knocked-up my contract model girlfriend” thing.
While walking Los Angeles yesterday, Irina did a really good job at distracting people from the baby growing in her body by flashing a ring on THAT FINGER. That arrow in the FedEx logo can try, but Irina is making sure that no one is looking in any direction but down at her hand.
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) December 15, 2016
If Irina is about to become the second Mrs. Master Manipulator, this will be her first wedding.
There’s no confirmation on whether or not that Royal Look-4-Less ring on Irina’s hand is for sure an engagement ring. It could be. Sources say that Bradley and Irina have had the contract-extension conversation. Either Bradley and Irina are really engaged, or Irina just picked a finger at random on which to wear a very engagement-y looking ring. Irina? Wearing something to get a little attention? Hmmm, that doesn’t sound like her.
I screamed “WHAT!” in all-caps too, but then I realized that well, if Jeremy Renner can knock a trick up…
Crispy Ronaldo’s ex and Bradley Cooper’s current piece Irina Shayk walked the runway at tonight’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Paris, and she tried to distract eyeballs from her teeny tiny bump area by wearing a lace garter belt, a silk trench robe thing and red sparkly fringe. Shortly after Irina sashayed down the runway looking like she’s got a touch of the CASE OF THE BABIES, E! News magically put up a story about how she’s pregnant with the master manipulator’s baby. Irina and B. Coop have been a thing since around April 2015.
According to one insider, the pregnant star is in her second trimester and is “so excited” about becoming a mother for the very first time. Bradley’s rep did not respond to requests for comment on the happy news, however, Irina’s rep had no comment.
Irina managed to snatch the spotlight from the Trifecta of Dead Eyes (Gigi Hadid, Bella Hadid and Kendall Jenner) and the other Victoria’s Secret models, so after I slow clap for her for getting that baby bonus money, I’m going to slow clap for her getting all of the attention tonight. But really, I’m sure Bradley Cooper is going to make a wonderful father. We all saw how gentle he was with the real star of American Sniper.
And if 2017 wants to distance itself from 2016 and give us petty bitches a gift, then B. Coop and Irina will name their child Victor Garber Cooper-Shayk if it’s a boy and Victoria Garber Cooper-Shayk if it’s a girl. Give this to us, petty gods, please!
But of course they have! What would a professional relationship agreement be without a section outlining the conversation of marriage? “Section 4.2: In the event both parties don’t totally hate each other, a formal marriage proposal will be discussed. Dream wedding optional.”
E! News says that Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk have decided to take their year-and-a-half long relationship to the next level, which in the world of celebrities is putting it out there that they’re “discussing” marriage. A source says that they’re in an “extremely happy place” and have been discussing both the options of marriage and kids.
If you just got the feeling of déjà vu, it’s probably because we’ve already heard this story about a year ago. Except this time it comes with an addendum about a vacation. The source tells E! that Bradley and Irina are reportedly planning a tropical holiday. A vacation that could end with a ring on that finger, right source? But it could also end with pictures of Bradley eye-shanking Irina after she returns from the swim-up bar with a margarita (“OhMyGod did I or did I not ask for a Mai Tai“).
If Bradley and Irina’s “discussions” of marriage materialize into the real thing, this will be Irina’s first marriage and Bradley’s second. Bradley Cooper was married for four months to Jennifer Esposito. I’m sure Jennifer would be more than willing to give Irina some advice on being the next “Mrs. Master Manipulator.”
Bradley Cooper’s beard sure does look prickly. The one on his face looks pretty scratchy too. I know, I know. It’s Monday, don’t strain yourself. I’ll GONG myself for that one.
Just a few days ago, Bradley Cooper and his piece of the moment Irina Shayk were acting all lovey and shit at Wimbledon, but when they went back for yesterday’s men’s finals, they may have given us a different story. During the match, the camera panned to the audience and caught Irina making the same face I made when I read that B. Coop cast Lady GaGa in A Star Is Born. It also looked like he threw her a smug look that said, “Really, you’re going to do this now? I should dock your pay for this shit.” If you haven’t already, watch it and get into it:
Part of me watches that and sees nothing. It looks like Irina is bored and picking the gooey sleepies out of her eye while B. Coop talks with the person sitting next to her. The other part me (aka the one who lives to make messy drama out of nothing) sees a fight!
For what it’s worth (read: not much), a “source” tells E! News that B. Coop and Irina were totally not fighting: “They were not fighting. Everything is fine”
And I bet that when Taylor Swift’s PR team watched that video, they all screamed “Motherfucking shit!” at the same time before crossing off “get into a fight at a high profile sporting event” from their list of “Ways To Set Up The Split.”