I can’t believe it’s been nearly three years since Lady Gaga split up with my only reason to watch NBC: Chicago Fire panty dropper Taylor Kinney. Gaga and Taylor tried to make it seem like it was all just bad timing and that they’re really good friends who support each other through thick and thin, y’all! Alas, Taylor may have just proven he’s as much of a bitter, petty ex as the rest of us.
Look, we all knew Lady Gaga was going to be extra as hell last night. And praise Jeebus, she did not disappoint. From her emotionally overwrought yet ultimately trite acceptance speech for Best Original Song, to her bold choice to bring a Glidden paint swatch in Tangerine Dream to her stylist and say “match this”, Lady Gaga was doing the most, to say the least. So of course, when her BIG MOMENT came, and she and Bradley Cooper took to the stage to perform Shallow, she took the performance to the next level. I should say “they”, but I think we all know who was really “directing”. There were lingering stares, there were orgasmic undulations, and by the end, there was intimate canoodling which some people thought was TOO HOT FOR NETWORK TV AND DISRESPECTFUL TO BRADLEY’S GIRLFRIEND. Well, that’s what Mel B thought at least. Yes, that Mel B.
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk are one of those couples that lays pretty low and live a relatively private life. Last week, we got a Bradley and Irina sighting when they were photographed taking their daughter Lea out for a walk, and they appeared to be serving some happy family realness. But as Page Six reports, Bradley and Irina are reportedly “miserable,” together. If you really want to know what a miserable Bradley and Irina might look, here – just take a second look at Bradley and Irina bringing ten tons of over-it grumpiness at Wimbledon two years ago.
The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
Bradley Cooper and his piece of 2 years Irina Shayk never publicly admitted that a Cooper-Shayk fetus was growing in her womb, but she let that fact be known at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last year. Irina sashayed down the runway while working a slightly covered-up teeny tiny bump that on a skinny lingerie model says, “I’m 5 months knocked up,” but on us regulars says, “I’ve been on the Master Cleanse for 10 days, I just had two enemas in a row and I’m sucking in so hard that I’ve got two broken rib bones now.” That baby is apparently here now and everyone is reporting that the kid was pulled out of Irina’s body two weeks ago. I know, if a celebrity baby is born and a black and white picture of the child’s hand clutching onto one of his parents’ fingers doesn’t show up on Instagram immediately, was the celebrity baby ever born? That is the eternal question.