Category: In The Event You Care

BREAKING FRIENDSHIP NEWS: Slash And Axl Rose Are Friends Again

August 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Stop whatever you’re doing (“Being hungover? I wish” hissed all of our livers), because I have very important information about the former best friend feud of our lifetime. Or at least mine, and the middle-aged dude down the street from my house who hangs out in his Toyota Tercel blasting “Welcome To The Jungle” every Friday night. Whatever his name is (probably Dwayne), he’s going to be thrilled to hear this.

Slash, seen above looking like hot farted on sexy, recently admitted during a Swedish television interview (via Loudwire) that he and his former Guns N’ Roses bandmate and friend, Axl Rose, are friends again. Slash tossed his friendship with Axl into the trash shortly after Slash left GnR in 1996, and I always assumed those two would go to their graves hating each other. But according to Slash, he and Axl have kissed and made up.

“It was probably way overdue, you know. But it’s…you know, it’s very cool at this point. You know, let some of that, sort of, negative … dispel some of that negative stuff that was going on for so long.”

And just like that, there goes the image of a wrinkly old man Axl Rose writing “Slash is a dumb dildo” on the bathroom stall walls of a senior’s center. I’m not sure why my brain went there, but it did. But even though Slash and Axl are pals again, don’t expect them to reunite on stage any time soon. Or at least don’t ask Slash about it. That is NOT something Slash wants to talk about.

“Oh, I couldn’t answer that one, though. All right, let’s get off the subject, ’cause, you know, that’s an old one.”

I know Slash doesn’t want to jinx it or whatever and he’s acting all hush-hush, but there are some people who need to know if Slash and Axl Rose will reunite on stage once again: the glamorous Guns N’ Roses groupies of the 90s! Don’t they deserve to know that? Think of the groupies, Slash. They need to start deciding between you and Axl now.

Pic: Tumblr

That’s Odd; Usually It’s Something Yellow Sliding Down Kim Kardashian

April 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Slutty Silly Putty hobgoblin Kim Kardashian and lead hooker-in-training Khloe Kardashian-Odom (“Stay tuned for the heartbreaking double-episode of KUWTK where she drops the Odom!”) went to the LA Mud Run on Saturday. Obviously running was out of the question for these two, since most high-impact activities will cause the hardened low-grade silicone in their asses to shatter, so instead they stuck to an activity Kim is good at: laying down and letting gravity do the work.

Khloe posted the picture of the two to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “Keeks and Kokes #MudRun” (Keeks and Kokes? More like Queefs and Jokes, amirite people?). Neither Kim not Khloe went into the muddy water at the bottom of the slide because Pimp Mama Kris is waiting for interest in her hookers to hit rock bottom before resorting to scat porn. NO! It’s probably because the 40lbs of makeup and eyelash glue on their faces would have shocked the pH level of the muddy water, forcing the EPA to come in and check the environmental damage caused by the contaminated cesspool. But thank goodness Kim and Khloe remembered to cover their faces while going down the slide; after all, there were young, easily frightened children present.

And because it wouldn’t really be a post about Kim Kardashian without a picture of her remarkably life-like face, here’s Kim and Khloe filming scenes for their basic cable reality show, Stupid Spoiled Dummies. I can’t even fucking believe I’m about to say this, but Kim doesn’t look terrible here (what was left of my soul just shrivelled up like a Shrinky Dink in a toaster oven). Then again, it could be the result of standing next to Khloe, who looks every bit the definition of a hoochie mama. What scene were the filming? The one where Khloe drops off her resume at Cheetahs?

Pics: Wenn, Splash

BREAKING NEWS: Kaley Cuoco Cut Her Hair

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Attention screenwriters: this is your next Captain Phillips. Get writing.

It looks like the attention she got from her fake haircut scored high enough on the Publicity-O-Meter, because Kaley Glencoco (who you may know as Penny from The Big Bang Theory, or “Who??” from everywhere else) has gone ahead and extended the 15 minutes of that first stunt by chopping off all her hair for real this time. I know, turn off the CNN; this is more important.

Kaley broke the news by posting several selfies to Instagram (everyone at Reuters must be on vacation). Us Weekly has a comprehensive overview of the event:

– The inspiration came from her fake haircut, which she quote – “fell in love with”
– Kaley had to wait for shooting to wrap on TBBT Tuesday night before she cut her hair Wednesday morning
– She was “extremely excited” for her new look

There you have it. That’s all we know for now, but hopefully more information will be released soon (I’m sure The Guardian will bring us frequent updates). And praise be Dorito jesus that she went with a bob and didn’t get bangs; I don’t think I have the self control needed not to make a corny ‘Big BANGS Theory’ joke.

Here’s the first round of hair cut pictures in what will no doubt be a series of 20 (or until Kaley cooks up something else for publicity, like resting her hand on her stomach). At first glance, I honestly thought her stylist was Leann Rimes, but then I remembered that no sane person would ever let Leann Rimes near a pair of scissors.

Pics: Instagram

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Blossom Still Has Thoughts On Breastfeeding

February 25, 2014 / Posted by:

But what I really want to hear are Joey’s thoughts on breastfeeding, and maybe to the tune of Nothing my Love Can’t Fix (“Oh-oh-ohhh/There’s nothing my leche can’t fix for you, baby”). Except knowing my weird Twilight Zone luck, I’d get Blossom’s alcoholic brother Tony’s thoughts on breastfeeding.

In an interview with HuffPo Live (via E! Online) on Friday, Mayim Bialik was once again forced to defend that picture of her breastfeeding her Justin Bieber-sized kid on the subway, because it’s not like she has anything better to talk about, like a hit TV show or Emmy nominations or her PhD or anything like that:

“That was not a weak moment of parenting but a conscious decision of, ‘I have the best way to make this child happy and content right now,” she said. Bialik then credited the Jewish parenting site Kveller with providing “a safe place for me to speak up to the thousands and thousands of women who parent this way who get people harassing them all the time, and people looking at us funny in every department store or wherever else we nurse.”

She also went on to say that unless the pair of boobs you’re staring at are attached to a woman in a neon pink g-string and french tip acrylics, you shouldn’t be getting a boner:

“Our culture has a very, very bizarre relationship with breasts. Breastfeeding is not a sexual act. It’s an intimate act, and that makes some people uncomfortable, but it’s completely normal to have all of the human hormones that are released when you breastfeed regulating your relationship with your child.”

In case you’re still not sure what to do when you see a woman’s boobs in public, ask yourself this: Do they have a baby attached to them? If the answer is Yes, then don’t stare. And if the answer is No, don’t fucking stare at those either, you creep. Go home and look up tits on the internet like everyone else. There. The End. Can we please tuck this discussion into bed and sneak downstairs to watch Beyond Scared Straight with a frosty mug full of Boone’s Farm now?

Here’s more of La Leche League’s hardest working ho arriving at The Today Show yesterday. I haven’t even seen the interview she gave, but I’d be willing to blindly put money on a question about breastfeeding:

(Pics: Splash)

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