If Charmed, Charlie’s Angeles and Wilson Phillips taught us anything, it’s that the power of 3 is unstoppable! So all of us peasants better spend our last few moments of freedom wearing color and smiling, because we’ll be banned from doing both of those things when the Trinity of Olsen Unholiness takes over the world. Half of us will be thrown into a factory where we’ll be forced to make our new overlords handmade cigarettes using French rolling papers, tobacco and the ashes of those who dared defy them! The other half of us will be thrown into a factory where we’ll be forced to hand-stitch panther hide caftans for our new leaders and their fellow evil-hearted rich friends. (I hope that whichever factory I’m thrown into, I’m assigned a spot next to Kimmy Gibbler so she can give me all the details of the Trollsens’ rise from cutesy toddlers to dictator gnomes.) When that happens, remember these pictures that served as a warning for the impending Olsen takeover!
At last night’s CFDA Awards in NYC, Elizabeth Olsen got sandwiched between Doom and Gloom as they all posed for pictures on the red carpet. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did themselves up like 1970s Santa Monica fortune tellers whose clients can always be seen going into their storefront but are never seen coming out. They did their sister/dark priestess-in-training up as an overgrown Ariana Grande Latte at a seance full of witches who buy all their clothes at White House|Black Market. What I’m trying to say is that the three of them together are more terrifying than the Macbeth witches!
But maybe there’s hope. In most of the pictures, Elizabeth Olsen is smiling and there’s a sparkle in her eye that I don’t think is from thinking about how she’s going to cackle into the night sky as she hears the pained cries of the mortals. I know, I’m trying to fool myself. She’s totally one of them now. I better learn how to sew.
Many book of fables will tell you that bridge trolls don’t do themes, because stupid human novelties like that are beneath them and the only thing that really brings them joy is hearing the blood-curdling moans of their victim as they siphon out that mortal’s soul for giving the wrong answer to their riddle. So, of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen rolled their eyes at the Met Gala’s little theme, “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology,” and instead showed up in their usual look: 400-year-old immortal witch who lives on the Upper East Side in Manhattan where by day, she runs a curiosities shop that specializes in vintage skulls of extinct animals, and by night, she sneaks into the bedrooms of sleeping children where she listens to their breathing before stealing the dreams from their dreamcatcher.
Honestly, I’d be disappointed if they did show up in some silver metallic gown and didn’t wear sacks made from the dusty curtains they snatched from an abandoned funeral home during the night. No, the Trollsens didn’t dress the theme (“What do you mean? We thought the theme was future and in the future when we take over the world, you’ll all be wearing these sacks as our sweat shop slaves.” – the Trollsens), but they did partake in Vogue’s photo booth thing. Using leftover set pieces from Michael and Janet Jackson’s “Scream” video, Vogue put together a photo booth and filmed guests doing their own thing. The Olsens did their own thing, which was to the freeze the souls of everyone with their eyes.
In your nightmares tonight, there will be a long hall and at the end of that hall you’ll find these two waiting for you. Pull out your Purell brand of holy water and prepare to spray it at the screen.
SANTO DIOS! Oh well, sleeping is overrated anyway. I don’t need it anymore.
Back in 2014, Paper Magazine tried to break the Internet with Kim Kartrashian’s greased-up plastic luau pig ass. And now, Paper Magazine is trying to break our spirits with a picture of Kylie Jenner looking like a LazyTown blow-up doll that was possessed by all the demons and now trolls the land looking to fill her triple-stuffed clown lips with the souls of her victims. Looking at this cover may be the most terrifying thing that has happened to me today and that’s saying a lot since this morning I woke up to find that I only had enough coffee for two cups. But fuck coffee. I need to switch to freebasing Drano after getting hit with Kylie looking like an anime frog whose head is getting attacked by a mutant cotton candy monster. That cover is very “Princess Lolly after Candy Land’s nuclear power plant explodes.”
This is supposed to be Paper’s “YOUth” issue, so I’m wondering why they chose a picture that makes Kylie look like she’s had all of the youth syphoned out of her. It’s terrifying and I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris handpicked this picture herself. PMK’s evil knows no bounds. But with that being said, Kylie Jenner has never looked more alive!
I bet that talking ScarJoBot does that same wink as it chokes the last breath out of you! We’re all dead.
I guess Ricky Ma either didn’t see Ex Machina or it didn’t scare him away from having a robot girlfriend. Because Ricky, who is a 42-year-old graphic designer from Hong Kong, spent more than $55,000 and a year-and-a-half of his life making a talking robot. Ricky says that he’s had this dream ever since he was a child. Ricky talked to Reuters about his dark-sided creation and he would only say that he modeled it after a “Hollywood Star.” The Dr. Frankenstein of creepy sex robots didn’t say which Hollywood star, but please, that robot is a Gilbert Gottfried voice away from being ScarJoBot! Although, when you watch the video, you’ll see that ScarJoBot has a wider range of emotions than the real thing.
The robot of nightmares named Mark1 moves its arms and legs and it can turn its head and bow. It also answers a few verbal commands Ricky programmed into it.
In response to the compliment, “Mark 1, you are so beautiful”, its brows and the muscles around its eyes relax, and the corners of its lips lift, creating a natural-seeming smile, and it says, “Hehe, thank you.”
Ma, who believes the importance of robots will only grow, hopes an investor will buy his prototype, giving him the capital to build more, and wants to write a book about his experience, to help other enthusiasts.
Reuters piece didn’t say if this Uncanny valley work of horror has robotic fuck parts, but please. None of us are going to be surprised when we read about how a 42-year-old graphic designer from Hong Kong went to a hospital with a broken and electrocuted dick after he claims he fell on a toaster while naked. Pull out the holy water before pressing play:
That robot is creepy. It’s scary. It’s wrong. And I want a Prince Hot Ginge one NOW!
No, you’re not looking at Courtney Stodden’s long-lost half-human, half-whatever-they-make-cheap-dildos-out-of sister; it’s actually the Queen of Halloween herself, Heidi Klum! Heidi Klum’s annual Halloween party happened last night, and obviously Heidi is the only reason to care about that shit. As you probably already know, Heidi Klum loves Halloween. And this year, she decided to define terrifying by rolling up to her Halloween party as a humanized version of Jessica Rabbit.
Heidi posted a bunch of pictures on her Instagram showing her transformation from “Auf Wiedersehen” to “Leiber Gott, meine Augen!” (that’s “Dear God, my eyes!” in German). And basically, all it took was just a shitload of latex. Every part of Heidi is plastic: her lips, her tits, her ass, her ears, her eyes. Heidi Klum got the Heidi Montag special. It’s not so much Jessica Rabbit as it is what you’d get if Jessica Rabbit divorced Roger Rabbit’s annoying ass, but he missed her so much he had a Jessica Rabbit latex mask made and asked every trick he met on Toontown tinder to wear it while they had sex, but he accidentally left it face side down on the radiator beside a pile of purple condoms and it melted. It’s still 10000% more effort than most people put into their Halloween costumes though, so it gets a thumbs up from me.
With all that being said, you know Kim Kardashian just texted this picture of Heidi Klum to all her sisters with the words “Gorgeous, right? So natural. Trying to find out the name of her surgeon right now.”
Here’s more of Heidi Rabbit last night, as well as all the other famous people at her party, including Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart dressed as Marc Anthony, Emily Ratajowski as Marge Simpson, and Shanina Shaik as “Pour It Up” Rihanna (which is Slutoween commitment, considering it was cold as HELL last night).
Those damn Santa Ana winds (Note: If you’re a weather-themed drag queen looking for a name, consider Santa Ana Winds.) must’ve swept in some serious shit, because my allergies are acting up like Justin Bieber during a Norwegian TV performance. I’ve been overdosing on Benadryl, so when I first saw these pictures of the Today hosts in Peanuts drag for Halloween, I thought the medicine kicked on the “hallucination” switch in my brain. This is what it would look like if those mutant creatures from The Hills Have Eyes disguised themselves as Peanuts characters to lure children into their cave. I have three words for this: MWA MWA MWA?! That’s Peanuts grown-up talk for “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”
Ryan Murphy’s latest show American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson isn’t hitting TV screens until February 2016, but FX has been airing ads for it during American Horror Story: Hotel, because they figure that the audience is already in the mood for goriness and terrifying ghouls. And during last night’s episode of AHS: Hotel (which belonged to Angela Bassett and Angela Bassett only), we got to see John Travolta’s face move (sort of) as Robert Shapiro. I’ve already seen pictures of John Travolta in full Shapiro drag, but last night was the first time I saw him speak. It’s safe to say that this show is going to be the most horrifying thing that Ryan Murphy has ever created and that’s saying a lot since Goopy Paltrow once sang “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” on Glee.
In this teaser, Robert Shapiro begins to ask O.J. (played by Cuba Gooding Jr.) a question (the question probably being, “You did it, right?”). Travolta looks like an animatronic wax figure trying to move as it slowly melts in a hot room. I really expected one of the baby weasels above his eyes to fall off and scurry out of the room.
I can’t wait for this. And if you don’t have a Halloween costume yet, you have one now. All you need is a suit, a whole lot of Silly Putty (for your face), a de-stuffed beaver stuffed toy (for your wig), glue and a handful of pubes (for your eyebrows). If people throw a look of confusion back at you when you tell them you’re Travolta as Shapiro, just shrug and tell them that you’re Ray Liotta after getting attacked by a mob of zombies.
I’ll warn you now – there’s a 50/50 chance the words “Poor Chris Brown” will leave your lips after reading this story. TMZ says that around 2:00 this morning, a home invasion and robbery happened at Chris Brown’s new house in the San Fernando Valley. Three armed men forced their way, found his aunt – who I guess lives with him? – and forced her at gunpoint into a closet. They proceeded to grab as much of Chris’ shit as possible, including cash and “other property“, and fled. Chris’s aunt was able to call 911, but the home invaders were gone by the time police arrived.
Chris Brown wasn’t at his house when the home invasion happened. The robbers hit Chris’ house at the exact same time he left a pre-ESPYs party at a club in West Hollywood. This isn’t the first time Chris Brown has come home from partying and discovered that his home had been destroyed. Back in May, Chris returned from a weekend in Las Vegas and found a fan living in his house.
So far, nobody knows who invaded Chris Brown’s house, but TMZ says his mother Mom Breezy thinks it was an inside job done by some of Chris Brown’s “no good-ass friends.” Don’t worry, Justin Bieber – we already know you’ve got an airtight alibi (ie. 2:00 a.m. is at least 6 hours past your bedtime).
I guess this is what can happen if you advertise how your new house is filled with expensive shoes and cars on Instagram and leave said house at the same time every night for the clubs. It’s Chris Brown’s aunt I feel bad for, for two reasons. One, because being woken up at 2:00 in the morning and forced into a closet at gunpoint is terrifying. Two, because she’s related to Chris Brown.
Here’s Chris Brown strolling out of a club at around the same time his house was getting robbed.
If you haven’t been able to keep any food down ever since you suffered through that dark-sided video of Pimp Mama Kris opening her legs and torturing a candy cane, then prepare for your stomach to put an “Out Of Business” sign over itself after you watch the newest video of her assault on Christmas. If I have to suffer, we all have to suffer!
Because PMK’s boss Lucifer wants to destroy the birthday of his rival’s son for everyone, she once again joined unholy forces with Love Magazine to do an advent calendar video and this time she did it with her soon-to-be top girl Kendall Jenner. The video is like a cross between a production of Chicago at The Ninth Circle Playhouse and a scene from Mean Girls if Mean Girls was a horror movie directed by David Cronenberg. If Regina George’s mom had a Rosemary’s Baby, it would be Pimp Mama Kris!
The opening scene of this mess of a video has to be the most terrifying thing ever captured on video. At first, I breathed a sigh of relief, because I thought that maybe it was Bruce Jenner giving us Santa Baby sultriness. But then the camera panned all the way up to reveal the pimp Grinch who is ruining Christmas with her desperate cool mom moves while her money maker danced like an animatronic stripper on Vicodin and wine.
Kristmas is truly the scariest HOliday of them all.
And yes, I’ll save you a spot at holy water bin, because you will need to thoroughly cleanse your eyeballs after this.
It must be close to Halloween, because the Duggars are back with another scary story!
The Duggars got the cover of UsWeekly again, which is weird to me. I mean, there they are right next to Miranda Lambert who is guaranteeing herself a one-way ticket to HELL by showing off her husband’s flesh property in a two piece! But I guess those Duggars got a TLC show to sell and UsWeekly knows that us drunk sluts will read that terrifying cover story, because it makes us feel good about being drunk sluts who can freely be drunk sluts.
Jessa and the newest Duggar baby machine tell UsWeekly some of the shit we already know: all of their dates are chaperoned, no chest-to-chest contact is allow (Um, what do you hussies think you’re doing in that cover picture?) and once they’re married, they have to keep their legs open for their husband to go in and babies to come out. They also can’t celebrate Halloween. They can’t dance. They can’t drink. Basically, their Jesus hates all things fun. My thoughts about the Duggars guide to love and sex is best expressed through the look on the face of the baby that Jenelle’s mom will raise.